Fabric, thorns and secrets.

Fabric, thorns and secrets

It was the instinctive part of me that reacted first and I growled before the sound erupted into a primal aggressive shout with bared teeth and I ripped out of Esmee’s hold as easily as the incredible hulk ripped out of his clothing. I wanted to hit her. My whole body pushed at the very edges of my control to lash out at her so she could feel pain because the bad bit of me. The bit that gained control far too easily blamed her for every tiny bit of my currant pain and anxiety and she had to be punished… or I did.

I stumbled away from Esmee whimpering as my whole body fought some kind of battle. There were more feelings inside me that could be counted and they all mashed up in some sort of strangling grip that ripped my head apart until I was convinced that in seconds I would implode. I wanted to implode. At least if I was blown into a million different pieces my head would have stopped torturing me. I would have stopped hurting.

“I hate you! I hate you!” I sobbed towards Esmee as all of the mussels in my body strained in opposite directions until I ended up on the floor riving in my own brains simulated agony.

 “You don’t hate me. You hate that way that you’re feeling and because I happen to be closest that makes you think that you hate me.”  

I hated her logic. I hated her ambivalence to the best insult that I had for someone like Esmee. I hated the way she could explain exactly the way I felt even better than I could but most of all I hated the fact that she was exactly right. I didn’t hate her. I loved her. I loved her more then I loved another human being in the entire universe and that was almost the problem. Love like that was always insane. It made you mental. No sane person would throw them self’s into traffic or in front of a bullet in their right mind and I would have for her, or for Emmet. I wouldn’t even think about it, not even when I was convinced that I hated them.

My body convulsed with shaking and my back arched against the ground as I tried to regain something of my sanity and my dignity. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter how fast I ran. That that wasn’t important but I couldn’t convince myself and what I hated more… what made me loath every living cell of my body was the fact I could forgive her more easily for telling me my son wasn’t important than what I could for her outrunning  me. That was just fucked up… I could sell my sons soul for a perfect body.

 Slowly Esmee got down on the floor with me as I started to chock on my own tears. She seemed a little clumsier then she used to be as she lowered herself into a lying position on her right hand side so she could be face to face with me. She may have been clumsier complete with her little bump but her face was the same as it always was, comforting and strong… understanding of everything I was battling…  I wanted to scratch at her with my broken nails… I wanted to roll over into her arms and let her hold me until the pain was gone.

“It’s OK. I know it feels bad, and I have said and done some really dumb things tonight which have made it worse. I can’t tell you how sorry I am about that. It’s going to be OK though, I’m right here.” Esmee’s words where so gentile, so kind and alluring it would have been impossible not to melt with them and her actions spoke a million more of the same kind words. She was the only person in the unit, probably in the world – with the exception of Emmet – that would lie down on the cold soaking wet floor with me just so I would know I wasn’t alone in the world… with my pain.

“It doesn’t work anymore,” I chocked, coughing so hard on my tears that it felt like my lugs would burst open against my ribs “The running…” I coughed again harder.

“Shhhh, try and calm down before you talk to me, I want to hear what you’re saying and I know that it is important but you need to try and calm your breath and control the sobbing. You can do it, take my hand.” Esmee leant her arm out across the floor to me with her palm facing upwards. She was so confident that she could pull me through, and for some reason so was I.

Without thinking I reached out to touch her. I slowly let my fingers slide in-between hers and then over her palm. Her comfort and her heat calmed me almost instantly, like she had a magic hormone seeping through her skin into mine. It was a better drug then even running was. It just felt right. I gently started to trace my fingers over the creases in her hands and with my sensitive fingertips trying to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I found very old scars against her fragile palms and two harder ridged shaped pieces of scar tissue on the back of her knuckles. I had the same ones as her. Bella would have had them too, and Echo, and anyone else that found their solace from inducing sickness. Almost subconsciously I began to slow my breath to match hers as I brushed my fingers gently over the three diamonds in her engagement ring, then the smooth white gold of her wedding ring. I then moved up her hand slower heading toward the cuff of her sleeve. I wanted to feel her pulse. I didn’t really know why but I knew it would be strong and it time against all the madness, just like she was. I very gently edged my fingers in under the cuff of her blouse trying find the spot where her very life flowed around her but my fingers hit more fabric that had tiny little nylon thorns sticking through it just before Esmee yelped and dragger her arm away cradling it to her side. At first I was confused what it was - as to why there was something that felt so alien against her skin so reluctantly I let my eyes drift to look at her face. It became obvious as soon as I saw her features as to what I had just discovered. It was her biggest secret and it hurt my soul to think that she had it. Apparently Esmee was in more trouble than I could have known.