For the love of bones

For the love of bones

It was anger that made my legs move and not the fact that I wanted to go to breakfast. Anger was anorexia’s biggest ally. It was anger that made it possible to move when every part of you was frozen at the thought of facing food again. It was anger that kept the people that wanted to help at bay. Without anger Anorexia would spend most of its time hiding under the bed.  I could not face a plate of pancakes again. Even the thought of cereal was flooding my shield but I could not tell him I was scared because it was more important that I proved him wrong.

“Do you eat when you’re not hungry?” I snapped waiting by the door frame for him to follow me down the stairs where the table would already be set up. Even on the second floor I could smell it, feel the calories leaching their way into my skin. I wanted to vomit. “Well come on,” I huffed stamping my foot as I waited “You where the one it such a hurry a minute ago.”

“Ok, I’m coming.” Emmet walked towards me and I took of up the corridor towards the flight of stairs trying to push the tears back under a stone inside my head. I hated the fact that we were fighting with each other and I hated the fact that in the end he would win. My legs where turning more and more to jelly from the fear as I got closer to the dining room.  I would break before he did and what was worse was he knew it…

“Emmet, catch! The voice of Jean suddenly sounded making Emmet Jerk around in the direction of her but the object she had been referring too had already hoped past Emmet like a Gazelle however had failed to negotiated me as an obstacle and smashed into my front knocking me to the floor before I could try and steady myself.

Disorientated and in pain from my impact with the floor it took me a few moments to try and get back to my feet but the person on top of me was like lightning. She was back standing erect in seconds her eyes darting between Emmet and Jean who advanced on her like hunting lions.

“Pollyanna, you need to go to with Jean to the dining room for breakfast. I am sure that Jean has told you that this is not negotiable. I also think that Mi would like an apology.” Emmet turned from the new girl who obviously went by the name of Pollyanna and crouched down next to me as he spoke.

“Are you hurt?” He asked. I shook my head and pulled myself back to my feet giving me the first opportunity to really look at the new girl. The image that stood in front of me was horrific. Anyone that had ever thought you could never be thin enough had not ever seen Pollyanna, after a glimpse of her they would be forced to retract that statement. She was a frame of bones hidden underneath baggy clothes. She was the face I would be sharing the early breakfasts with from now on. She was why the early breakfast’s where needed. The reason why tubes where placed up noses.

“She’s perfect Mia. She is what you gave away. She is the pureness that you could never be. She is strong and reliable. She doesn’t stuff herself all day. She got there. She is good enough. What are you compared to that self-control. Look at Emmet now; look at the way he is looking at her. He has someone else who is thinner then you that he could love now. He never loved you, you were just his project and this is his next but she won’t give in. She is so much better then you.”

I watched without words for a few seconds as both Emmet and Jean crowded around Pollyanna and turned their backs on me. I felt sorry for her in a way. I had remembered what it was like to be new and trapped between the nurses that all new tricks that you had to work out. There was a tiny part though that Sophie kindled that felt annoyance. It felt like the presence of someone showing their bones rendered me invisible. The red obs that had been “vital” a few hours ago meant nothing when there was a side show of hips and ribs to be goggling.

“I know that you are scared Pollyanna and we will be gentle with you but you must go down to breakfast and eat for us,” Emmet said gently, placing his hand on her arm. He hadn’t been gentle with me… he had threatened me…

“You’re nothing to him now Mia. Look at him, he just expects you to sit there like his good little lap dog and wait while he ignores you and there you are doing it. Just standing around so they can feed you more and take you away from what you really want… It’s not too late Mia, I can help you, I can make you perfect and strong. I am your only friend. I am the only one that really understands what you want Mia. I can make it so nothing hurts you anymore.”

I felt two fat tears roll out of my eyes as I continued to stare on at the girl that had once been me. When I was thin, when I was perfect… when I wasn’t a ghost that they fed now and again… when he loved me…”

He does love me.

“Don’t kid yourself Mia…”

He does love me…

“You’re stupid… he loves bones, Look at her.”

I think he loves me…

“LOOK AT HER!

Maybe he loves me…

“He doesn’t… I love you Mia, only I love you.”

I want him to love me…

“HE DOESN’T STOP MOPING ABOUT IT!

He hates me…

With my face flooded with tears I turned silently on the balls of my feet and runaway with Sophie back up the stairs towards the bathroom.