There's no weight in love

There’s no weight in love

I could hardly breathe as I reached the bathroom and threw myself inside and locked the door. I knew that it could be open from the outside by anyone but it felt one of the most secure places I the unit and one of the only places I could find some little relief. If there had been a cord at that moment I would have tied it around my neck without thinking. If there were blades I would have laughed at myself as I bled to death, but there was nothing to do harm with not even to a finely tuned in brain. There was a toilet though and my fingers could always find their way down my throat. He would love me if I was still as thin as her.

“I hate you!” I screamed as I caught my reflection in the mirror. I was huge. I had been telling myself that the mirrors lie but I was wrong, everyone else where the one’s lying to me. I was fat and disgusting and covered in lard. They filled my head with stories about being dead before I was thin enough but it was all lies. “I hate you so fucking much! I wish you would just fucking drop dead!” I yelled punching the mirror with both of my fists repeatedly not caring how much it hurt my bones.

I would not eat again. I would fight them and I would get there. I would get to thin, to perfect, to wanted and good. I would see bones under my skin and I would fall apart! I could be good all over again!” I sobbed harder knowing that losing the weight wouldn’t happen in the space of hours. It would take me moths to get back to five stone and even more because I would have to fight every member of staff along the way including them and that would break my heart.

Still crying I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet and studied my middle and index finger. There was a big part of my brain that knew at that moment where they should go. Instinctually I knew that there was a place at the back of my throat where they would fit. It was not a comfortable fit. It was in fact a match made in hell but it was surprising how many things could be, yet still feel amazing to a head that had been hurt.

I wanted to scream aloud as I heard the lock rattle in the door before I had time to take my chance to induce the sickness. Whoever it was on the outside of the door would not have felt the same perverted pleasure from attacking a gag reflex like I had. They would try to stop me.

Emmet ducked his head slightly to get in through the door frame after he had won the fight with the release mechanism and looked over the situation. I turned my back on him my tears suddenly silent. It wasn’t what I had been expecting from my emotion when I had seen him again. I had braced myself for the crazy frenzy of impulse to smack walls until my bones felt like that where shattered. Something inside me normally confirmed, wrong as it was, that to win the love of someone was to prove to them that you would rather turn your bones to dust then live without them. Sophie was mad though because he had made me fat, so by extension when threatened with him I got mad to. I did not show emotion in front of people I hated.

“You’re on red observations. I need to be with you wherever you go.”

“I’m in the toilet. I am meant to have a woman in here.”

“That only really applies if you’re using the bathroom for one of its traditional purposes. Hiding doesn’t count”

I heard Emmet sigh as if he was stretching before I saw him appear in the corner of my eye and lower himself onto the floor opposite from where I was curled in the gap beside the toilet and the frosted window. I wondered fleetingly if I could manage to yank the toilet off the wall and lob it out the window before following it by myself A three story plunge into concrete seemed easier than a conversation with him at that moment.

“Talk,” Emmet demanded.

“The weather’s nice."

“It’s pissing it down Mi.” if you are going to bullshit me with small talk at least try and get the facts right.” 

“You didn’t specify what subject to talk on and why just because is it raining does it mean the weather is bad. I like the rain. If you want a deep and meaningful conversation I am the wrong girl. I have nothing to say.” I hated the defiance. I hated that there was a million of Sophie’s workers doing over time on the construction of the castle she was to hold me hostage in. What I hated the most was the fact I had grabbed a hammer and nail and was helping reinforce the walls of my prison. I spent my whole life searching for freedom at the same time as locking the door to my own cage. It was stupid; but I couldn’t stop it.

“If you don’t want or need to talk it is time for you to down in the dining room.” Emmet got to his feet in annoyance and walked over to me in the corner before holding a hand down to help me up off of the floor. I studied the details of it for a moment, trying to see if there was something worth actually holding onto. In the end I looked away a blank look on my face. “It’s non-negotiable,” Emmet dictated.

“I’m not going!” I grumbled

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“That’s not a reason. Why don’t you want to?”

“Because I’m scared OK and because I hate myself!  You played a game inside my head and I am the only victim! I knew what I was. I knew what I wanted! I wanted perfection! I wanted bones and blood! I never wanted to be perfect! I wanted perfection back! She left me! He ran away from me in blood and water before dying in her hands! I never even got to hold him! Why you want to live after that? Why would you think keeping me alive was anything other than cruel when I have lost everything! Then you came and she came and you gave me something to live for, someone to fight for, someone to stay for, now half of me is with the angels and the other half is here but then I find out that you only cared because I was skin and bones! You have a new toy now so go and play with her!” I tried to stay calm as I finished shouting at him. I tried to stare him down and try and prove that he hadn’t hurt me and wouldn’t get the satisfaction of my tears but it was impossible. The tears came so quickly the biggest dams couldn’t hold them back and I was rendered the week crying wreck that I had been all along.

“I know that you’re scared.” I felt Emmet reach out and touch my shaking arm and I tensed. I tried to find the bit in me that would have had the power to shrug him off. There was a bit that demanded it of me. To get lost to him again would have been a stupid and an unforgivable mistake but I felt comfort from it. I was stronger when he was treating me like he cared. Something with him made my whole body and soul rise up. It was the most amazing feeling and that was why it hurt so much to think that I wasn’t what he wanted anymore. I would have become thin again if it meant I cemented a place in his heart. It was a pathetic place to be. I was just another doll for another person but I didn’t mind if it was him playing, I couldn’t.

“I did not play a game inside you head Mi. I tried to make your head realize that the games it was playing with itself  where wrong and harmful to you. I know that you miss your sister and your son and I can tell you that that stabbing  you fell when you think of them, that pain that makes you think you might have to drop down to your knees and scream and never stop is not something that goes away. I will tell you some rubbish of time healing all pain because I don’t think it does but I do think that life will give you tools to help you deal with the hurt that remains.” Emmet sighed sadly and took my hands trying to lead me out of my hiding hole beside the toilet. I tried to remain where I was it seemed safe to have some physical barrier to him but he claimed every wall I put in his way and slayed dragons. “Also I want to point out to you that my relationship with Pollyanna and with you is a very different one,” Emmet continued as he tried to steady my trembling.

“Because she is thinner than me… because…” I was cut off before I could shout again.

“Weight is just a damn number! I am so fed up of the people I love thinking my feelings will change about them just because that number increases! That is the difference between you and Pollyanna Mi, Not a number on a scale but love. You I love.