Violent ends (Mi;s side)

I just want to remind everyone that this is a first draft of the story and not the finished thing. This doesn't flow as well as i would like but time i do a better edit it will. It's a bit shifty and jumpy but you will get the idea. I hope you like. As always let me know what your thinking. 

Violent ends.

“Come on, I think all this waiting around for the last minute really isn’t helping anyone. Let’s get you down to breakfast the more you think about it the worse it’s going to get.” It felt like a cop out, like he couldn’t understand that my reaction was based somewhere in deep set fear inside my head. Yesterday’s breakfast had been bad. Of course there had been more to it than that. The words Conner had said to me had driven a part of my head into oblivion but even without everything he put into me even without the fear of losing my mind as soon as I got “home” on my Christmas leave and using Emmet’s razors to open my veins I would not have managed pancakes. I could yell at anorexia and tell it that I didn’t need it when not faced with food, but it was set in me now. It was a part of my life like so many things that I didn’t want. There would always be a part of me, like there was a part of Esmee and Echo and every other person that had been infected with her vicious thoughts that would always feel Anorexia. I would know that once there was a voice in my head that told me that all food was evil and wasn’t something that i needed.  A part of me that I had called Sophie had tried to kill me, and I had to accept that for the rest of my life probably Sophie would always want me dead. The trick was to learn that she was so very wrong. You had to learn to shout back louder than her and one day you would find that she didn’t have that much of a convincing argument anymore. I was getting there. I was better than the 55lb child that walked through the door but in terms of my recovery everyone knew I was still just a tiny baby. She would still have days or weeks when I could not eat, when the bit of me that was Sophie was a hell of a lot bigger.

“I don’t want to go to breakfast,” I mumbled stubbornly trying to shot down the fear and the destructive thoughts that where winning. “I’m not hungry.”

“Food has never been an option Mi. I understand that lately the nursing staffs have become a lot more lax with your meals and calorie intake but that wasn’t an oversight with us. It has been deliberate to see whether you could carry on your recovery more independently without such strict guidance. Overall we are pleased but I think maybe subconsciously you are beginning to restrict again. No one here will allow you to take that very far before be shot it down and if that means delaying your discharge or cutting your leave that’s what will happen.”

“Oh piss off. Do I look anorexic to you! I’m just not hungry Emmet. I will eat lunch.” I turned my back on Emmet in defiance and curled back up on the foot of my bed still shaking my legs against the duvet cover. I fixed my eyes on a spot on the wall to stare on. It was a pretend anger but it was a key component in the game that I felt like I had no choice to play today. I had to ruffle Emmet up; I had to make him angry with me. Anorexia enjoyed isolation, it caved in with sympathy and understanding it was with isolation that it could turn a human soul to stone.

“Mi, breakfast and every other meal today Is not negotiable. You will be expected to eat everything that is put in front of you and anything that is missed will be made up with Ensure. If you refuse I will tube feed you.”

“The jokes on you Emmet. I had my PEG taken out a week ago. I though you would remember,” I sneered with a malicious grin. “I thought you would have remembered, I was at the hospital all day.” I could feel my heart beat funny as I said the words. Somehow fear had turned into sick scary determination. It wasn’t want I wanted to be saying. There was a part of me that wanted to get up go down the stairs and eat like I was meant to and I wanted to obey it. Silently I screamed at myself to do what he wanted. I pushed with everything I had to make my body rise from my bed and walk but I was just a voice in someone else’s head. My body was being used as a host to become dark and twisted.

“I am well aware that you have had your PEG tube taken out, and I can guarantee you I’m not joking. I will put a tube up your nose if I have too Mi. Don’t make me.”