Has it helped. (Esmee side)

Has it helped

Esmee

“OK, Ok. I’m coming let’s see what’s happening. Is she awake and breathing?” I asked pulling the office door closed behind me with a snick.

“Yes, she seemed OK when I left her to come and get you. The cuts aren’t bad exactly. Just … Well just there and that seems bad enough.”

“Ok honey I can take it from here. Why don’t you go and spend some time with the others before it is time for bed. I promise I will come and see you before you are sleeping ok.” Mi stopped walking so suddenly it felt like I Had to stop with her. My suggestion seemed to offend her somehow but I wasn’t sure what she was expecting. It was more than my jobs worth to let her get involved in the situation and she knew that. That didn’t mean it would stop her protesting.

“How are you going to talk to her without me?” She had a point. There was going to be a language barrier that I couldn’t get over and there was going to be something very patronising about just smiling at her as I prodded at her wounds. It wasn’t like a kid who had fallen over and scrapped their knee, you couldn’t just smile and them and tell them that you would rub it better. It was bigger, even bigger than words but at least you could try if you had them.

“We will get around it. You know I can’t let you help Mi. It’s already bad enough that you found her. I will come and let you know that she is ok after I have done with her ok. I promise I would leave you in the lurch.” Mi nodded before taking a step back and letting me progress along the corridor alone towards the flight of stairs that lead to the top floor.

I knocked out of habit when I reached twilight before letting myself into the room. I wasn’t sure what I was going to find as I had no prior knowledge of how Hev dealt with such things. We all new that she had a history of self-harm so we all knew that there was a chance of her hurting herself but so far she had been the beacon of courage and strength while in our care to the point when none of us really had an idea as to why she was still in a secure unit and not out living her life with everyone else. It was going to be sad having to write in her book that things had changed.

Hev’s eyes greeted me as I hovered by the door and then walked to over to her bed. She was scared of what I was planning to do to her to where she half-heartedly tried to hide the wounds on her legs.

“It’s ok Hev, you’re not in trouble.” I said as clearly as I could hoping that she could lip read if I was clear enough. “Can I have a look and see what you have done to yourself?” She nodded slowly as she uncovered her leg again and moved it so I could see the pits and gashes that leaked ruby red blood from her legs. I was going to need to stitch the worse ones if she would let me and cover the others. There where over twenty cuts that followed no pattern or reason just pain and they were made to make another bigger pain go away.

“Are you feeling better? Has this helped? Hev looked at me suspiciously caught off guard by the somewhat strange question. It was a valid one though people were trying to achieve something by their self-harm they didn’t always get what they wanted from it. In fact a lot of the time it was a desperate act but it could work in some way. It once had worked for everyone who had tried it. That was the reason why we kept chasing it down to the very ends of the world because when it worked it felt so god damn good.

“I know it sounds like a silly question but you did this to try and achieve something. Has it helped?”

“Does it ever?” Hev asked stiffly her word slurring into each other showing how much she hated to communicate in this way.  

“Well you do it for a reason don’t you?” Hev smiled a looked away tears glittering somewhere inside her eyes she didn’t need to answer the question for me to know the answer.