it's the most wonderful time of the year.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Christmas came as it had threatened to and with it mixed feelings took over the unit. They had decorations and Edward wore a Christmas Jumper that played music on the lead up to the big day but as expected it was almost muted from inside the walls, like the outside worry didn’t exist for us Esmee and Emmet tried to keep me as involved as I wanted to be by telling me what they had gotten each other and what they had gotten Mia. They promised me Mia was a gem to look upon when opening wrapping paper and that my dreams of playing wither her throughout the day where almost guaranteed. I was scared but a part of me was almost excited so much so I smiled when I looked in the mirror on Christmas Eve morning and laughed when I saw the dusting of snow on the ground outside of the window. I had never seen snow at Christmas it was almost fairy tale like. As close to perfection there was.

“Morning lovely. It’s snowing,” Esmee smiled as she pushed open my door to give me my wake up call. I noticed she wore a woolly jumper with two penguins kissing and a hair band with 3D reindeer on springs sticking out of her hair.

“It is, I have never seen it snow at Christmas.”

“Someone up there obviously knows that this year was extra special. I can finally say I am having Christmas with my full family. Have you got your bag all packed and ready?”

“Yep.” I picked at the scabs on my arms as she talked. She madly seamed more excited than I was and I could abruptly feel the pressure of having to be perfect for the next 48 hours or more. The problem was a small part of me, no matter how insignificant I made it still hadn’t made up her mind. I could have the Christmas of a lifetime surrounded by family in there warm happy house or I could be myself and crap all over it by trying to do something to end my life. It was an opportunity for some sever self-harming that apparently couldn’t ignore.

“Don’t pick your Arms,” Esmee said gently coming over and detaching my fingers that had become bloody in only a way that she knew how. “It’s going to be OK. We know that you are capable of this or we would never ask you to do it. We will take it as slow as we need to, a second at a time and the unit isn’t going anywhere you can always come back early.”

“And fail you again,”

“You won’t be failing anyone. This isn’t about success or failure this is about living and where you are going to live after you get well enough to leave the hospital. If that time isn’t now and you are still poorly enough to need the hospital then that’s the way it is. I’ll wait.  

I took a deep breath and wrested my head against her shoulder where we stood trying to show my gratitude though I didn’t really feel it. No matter what she said it was a failure if I didn’t make it and I had a whole history against me, but I so wanted to be better for her