christmas shopping

Christmas shopping

All three of us left the unit just after lunch to make our way back “Home” I t was planed the I would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day night there but if I self-harmed I had to go right back to the unit. There where so many rules that I had to get my head around but the main one was don’t screw up and I was despite not to also with the rules came my brake. I had not been allowed to go out alone since the last time they had tried it on my birthday but they were going to try it again I had twenty minutes a day to myself and I knew exactly how I wanted to spend mine before the shops closed.

“Can you take me into town?” I asked Emmet as he drove around the corner away from the unit. I want to spend my twenty minutes in some shops. After all it’s Christmas and I don’t have you anything yet nor Mia.”

“I can drop you in town and wait for you there if that is what you want but you don’t need to get us anything honey. You have given us all we want just by being here,.” Emmet smiled into his rear view mirror.

“Well I have to get Mia something. It’s Christmas and she’s a baby.”

“And all ready spoilt by her mum and myself. Honestly Mi save your Money for yourself.”

“Please let me.  I really want to. It won’t be much just a little something so I can say that I got her something for the big day.”

“You do what you want. Just have fun OK. Our numbers are on this phone as before. If you need us for any reason please don’t be scared to call we are just going to be in the car anyway ok. You have twenty minutes if you’re not back by then we will call the police and of course you will go right back to the unit. Enjoy yourself.”

I didn’t really know what I was going to get Mia for Christmas but I knew what I was going to get her parents I had been drawing a lot over the last few weeks and I had drawn them both together in my time. Even in drawings they fit perfectly together and I planned to give them a drawing each in a frame. It wasn’t much and it was a lot less then they deserved but it was all that I had. I couldn’t afford to buy them anything exciting but it was something and they would like it anyway. They were far too gracious to complain even if they didn’t like it.

It took me about five minutes to buy photo frames but I was still stuck what to but Mia and I was still at war with myself. I wanted blades. I had no idea what I was doing trying to buy them and I knew I was throwing everything away if they ever found out, but what they didn’t known what going to hurt them and besides I didn’t want to use them. I just wanted them. As a very sharp very strange comfort blanket and the pharmacy was so close.

I slipped through the doors like a ghost as I looked around me making sure I was not in sight from anybody and made my way over to the shaving products. There was so many, all easy to do harm with. All of them waiting with intent to open my veins but I knew what I was looking for. With a choice I always went for the same ones and I swiped them off of the shelf and stalked over to the checkouts to pay. I knew it was wrong. I knew I was ruining everything but at least it wasn’t pills. I on purposely made a choice to avoid the shelf of pain killers. I still didn’t know if I could trust myself.

I found it hard to breath from the supposed thickness of the air that was inside the pharmacy but felt better once I got out into the cold winter air. I had got away with it. I just had to find somewhere to hide them on my body so Emmet and Esmee couldn’t see them then find something for little Mia.

Finding something for Mia was to be easier then I first thought after I crossed the road and stared into the window of the collectable teddy bear shop. A cuddly bear for such a cute little bear seemed more than perfect and even though it was sort of expensive I did not hesitate to hand over the money for the pink ball of fluff that was so rightly called Amelia.

c

I knew this Christmas could go either way I could make it work or it could go down in flames. The trouble was I didn’t know what was closer to my heart.