Sophie’s instructions.
“Mia how exactly do you think crying is going to help! They don’t care if you cry they just want to make you fat fight them off don’t let them do it to you!”
No No No.” I shouted wriggling my body so hard up against Esmee’s arms that I thought my ribs might actually crack under the pressure as Esmee tightened her grip on me and braced her my back closer up against her body. I thrashed out my legs trying to kick Emmet in the crouch which he elegantly ducked and carried on syringing the cloudy liqued down the tube in my nose.
“I don’t fucking want it!” I yelled violently trying to shake my head away from him but Esmee some how had managed to stop me from moving my head as well.
“I don’t want it! I don’t want it.” I screamed again so loudly the nose became raspy in the back of my throat and it felt so sore it felt like there was someone in there with glass slashing at it. “I don’t want it!” I sobbed struggling once more before coming to rest in her arms again, the huge tear drops splattered on my red face along with the snot and the dribble. I looked like a three year old having a tantrum or a three year old that had just fell off of her bike and everything hurt them. The problem was the desperation and the pain was the same I needed them to stop like the three year old needed the new doll and I hurt like I had just fallen off of my bike and grazed all of my knees.
“Shhhh, Shhhh. It Ok it all right honey it will be over soon. Just focus on my voice and take deep breaths.” Esmee soothed into my ear trying to calm me down trying to make the pain go away and I wanted to listen I wanted to stop fighting but I told Sophie that I would do anything and I meant it. I had to stop them making me fat.
“Mia every minute you rest they are making you fatter you cow! Do you want to get even fatter! No one will love you when you are fat Mia! Try harder much, much, much harder.”
I struggled again not wanting to let down Sophie not wanting her to leave me but once again I failed to get away from Esmee and Emmet they where just to strong for me.
“There to strong!” I wailed out loud to Sophie before I could stop it. I was tired and terrified and I didn’t know what else I could do.
“Mia you are a bad person, you should be able to fight them away if you really wanted to be thin you would but if you are to week to be thin think of the other way. That tube goes into your stomach idiot, puke it up. Go on do it now right over both of them that will teach them top try and make you fat! Or are you to scared fat little piggy. Do you like being so fat! Do you like being so ugly!”
Monday, 29 November 2010
Thursday, 25 November 2010
just a question
Hi there
On RYL when i was writing this i always tried to edit out numbers and tips and things when thgey where written in the story vecause it was against the rules. On this site however i have not been doing so mostly becasue there is no rule saying that i have to. What i was thinking though was if people wanted me to i could start doing that again any how if people whould like such a thing to make it less trigering to read or somthing like that. Any way let me know your feeling on this.
Thanks Vikki
On RYL when i was writing this i always tried to edit out numbers and tips and things when thgey where written in the story vecause it was against the rules. On this site however i have not been doing so mostly becasue there is no rule saying that i have to. What i was thinking though was if people wanted me to i could start doing that again any how if people whould like such a thing to make it less trigering to read or somthing like that. Any way let me know your feeling on this.
Thanks Vikki
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
Conversations with Sophie (Mi's side)
I do not have an eating disorder so i can not pretend i know anything about it but i would imagine that this chapter will be very very triggering and upseting to any one that has. please me EXTRA safe with your self befor reading this.
thank you.
Conversations with Sophie
“I told you this would happen Mia. I told you! You stopped listening to me and now look! Look at your body look at that fat! I told you I would make you thin but you gave in! So tell me how it feels! Tell me how it feels to me so fat.”
“ not good.”
“You bought this on your self of course Mia. You ate all that food. I told you what you could eat! I told you how many calories you could have and you didn’t listen to me! I told you no more then 250 a day but you throw that in my face and you ate! You ate you fat ugly cow!"
“Sophie, I am sorry.”
“I was your only friend Mia, I told you that. I was the only one you could trust. I was going to make you thin and beautiful and perfect. I was going to make people love you again but who could love you now who could love all that fat?"
“What about Emmet and Esmee?”
“Don’t make me laugh! You think they really care about you? They don’t care about you Mia. Look what they have done to you! They are the ones that have made you this fat! They are the ones the undone all are hard work. You would of made it with me. We would of got there, now look at you. You fat little piggy. I should leave you and then you would be alone, then you would have no one!”
“Sophie no I am really sorry. Please don’t leave me! I will try harder! I will do whatever you want me to do!”
“Well there is no use crying now you stupid fat cow! You are the one that did all the damage. You are the one that let them feed you! You are the one that opened that fat little gob of yours and swallowed all of that stuff! I told you not to I told you to throw it up but you never listened to me and now you are fat! I should let you get even bigger !”
“No! No! I will never not listen to you again Sophie. I will do anything you want me to do just help me get thin! Help me please! Don’t leave me I will do anything you want me to do.”
“Including Emmet and Esmee? Will you betray them for me? I can’t help you when they are there Mia. It is me or them. Will you hurt them Mia. What will you do to be thin? There can’t be any one else Mia. I am your only friend in the world you can’t trust any one but me to help you.”
“I will hurt them! I will do anything. They are nothing compared to you. You are my only friend. You are the only one I can trust.”
“Good girl Mia. I will help you I will make you perfect and pretty and I will make you thin you fat cow.”
“Thank you.”
“Well you better way sort your self out . Lets make this the last period you have. I will make you thin starting now. No breakfast for the fat piggy. Do what ever you can but not one calorie must pass your lips. Not for a long time. I will tell you when you can eat again. You must remember Mia no food taste as good as thin feels.”
“I know. I won’t lat you down again.”
thank you.
Conversations with Sophie
“I told you this would happen Mia. I told you! You stopped listening to me and now look! Look at your body look at that fat! I told you I would make you thin but you gave in! So tell me how it feels! Tell me how it feels to me so fat.”
“ not good.”
“You bought this on your self of course Mia. You ate all that food. I told you what you could eat! I told you how many calories you could have and you didn’t listen to me! I told you no more then 250 a day but you throw that in my face and you ate! You ate you fat ugly cow!"
“Sophie, I am sorry.”
“I was your only friend Mia, I told you that. I was the only one you could trust. I was going to make you thin and beautiful and perfect. I was going to make people love you again but who could love you now who could love all that fat?"
“What about Emmet and Esmee?”
“Don’t make me laugh! You think they really care about you? They don’t care about you Mia. Look what they have done to you! They are the ones that have made you this fat! They are the ones the undone all are hard work. You would of made it with me. We would of got there, now look at you. You fat little piggy. I should leave you and then you would be alone, then you would have no one!”
“Sophie no I am really sorry. Please don’t leave me! I will try harder! I will do whatever you want me to do!”
“Well there is no use crying now you stupid fat cow! You are the one that did all the damage. You are the one that let them feed you! You are the one that opened that fat little gob of yours and swallowed all of that stuff! I told you not to I told you to throw it up but you never listened to me and now you are fat! I should let you get even bigger !”
“No! No! I will never not listen to you again Sophie. I will do anything you want me to do just help me get thin! Help me please! Don’t leave me I will do anything you want me to do.”
“Including Emmet and Esmee? Will you betray them for me? I can’t help you when they are there Mia. It is me or them. Will you hurt them Mia. What will you do to be thin? There can’t be any one else Mia. I am your only friend in the world you can’t trust any one but me to help you.”
“I will hurt them! I will do anything. They are nothing compared to you. You are my only friend. You are the only one I can trust.”
“Good girl Mia. I will help you I will make you perfect and pretty and I will make you thin you fat cow.”
“Thank you.”
“Well you better way sort your self out . Lets make this the last period you have. I will make you thin starting now. No breakfast for the fat piggy. Do what ever you can but not one calorie must pass your lips. Not for a long time. I will tell you when you can eat again. You must remember Mia no food taste as good as thin feels.”
“I know. I won’t lat you down again.”
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Oh great i was wrong, thing so change (Mi's side)
Oh great I was wrong, things do change
I think this chapter is OK but it could be considered graphic so as always safty first please.
Still angry at what I saw I turned around and grabbed my forever growing toiletry bag from the side of my room and walked out the door into the corridor. “Morning Mi” I stopped and span round looking up the corridor into the nurses station and smiled. These where the two voices that I had come to want to here in the morning. Every time they weren’t there I hated it. The trouble was I hated feeling like that. I should not feel that attached to two nurses.
“Emmet, Esmee.” I mumbled just loud enough so they could here me before putting my head down and heading up the corridor into the bathroom.”
“Are you feeling OK Mi?.” Esmee asked
“I’m OK.” I nodded pausing before I went into the bathroom.
“Do you want him or me for breakfast?” Esmee asked again lightly punching Emmet playfully on the side of his arm and unleashing the devastating power of one of her smiles on me so I had no choice other then to smile back at her.
“Like I care.” I said suppressing a laugh before closing the bathroom door behind me and locking the door.
Throwing my toiletry bag down next to the toilet I checked the lock a further two times before using the toilet Of course that was when It happened. When normality had to be shattered into a thousand pieces. There in my underwear and in the toilet bowl was something I had not seen in a long time. Something I never really wanted to see again. They would say this was a good moment but of course I new better. This was a sign that the feeding tube and all the Damn Ensure was doing what they had all wanted it to do. I had lost the controle I had lost the battle. They had made me fat. The red sticky blood that was soaked into my underwear proved that.
I think this chapter is OK but it could be considered graphic so as always safty first please.
Still angry at what I saw I turned around and grabbed my forever growing toiletry bag from the side of my room and walked out the door into the corridor. “Morning Mi” I stopped and span round looking up the corridor into the nurses station and smiled. These where the two voices that I had come to want to here in the morning. Every time they weren’t there I hated it. The trouble was I hated feeling like that. I should not feel that attached to two nurses.
“Emmet, Esmee.” I mumbled just loud enough so they could here me before putting my head down and heading up the corridor into the bathroom.”
“Are you feeling OK Mi?.” Esmee asked
“I’m OK.” I nodded pausing before I went into the bathroom.
“Do you want him or me for breakfast?” Esmee asked again lightly punching Emmet playfully on the side of his arm and unleashing the devastating power of one of her smiles on me so I had no choice other then to smile back at her.
“Like I care.” I said suppressing a laugh before closing the bathroom door behind me and locking the door.
Throwing my toiletry bag down next to the toilet I checked the lock a further two times before using the toilet Of course that was when It happened. When normality had to be shattered into a thousand pieces. There in my underwear and in the toilet bowl was something I had not seen in a long time. Something I never really wanted to see again. They would say this was a good moment but of course I new better. This was a sign that the feeding tube and all the Damn Ensure was doing what they had all wanted it to do. I had lost the controle I had lost the battle. They had made me fat. The red sticky blood that was soaked into my underwear proved that.
Nothing changes regardless (Mi's side)
Nothing changes regardless
The next morning I woke up to find my self in Dream with the same light dancing over my face and the same noises from the little corridor that I had walked up a thousand times. The same pictures of tabby kittens in cups and Pug puppy’s in boots greeted me from the walls and my hips hurt the same from where they rubbed on the corners of the mattress. Down stares the familiar clangs and smashes of plates and cutlery could be heard from members of staff setting up the breakfast table. I didn’t know what I was expecting but nothing had changed. Meaning good moments meant nothing.
Sighing and cranky from my broken nights sleep of nightmares I heaved my heavy body out of the bed and pulled back the curtains. At this time of the morning and at night was when I hated the Unit most. These where the times when the car park was empty and the lights where off in the out patients building next door. At night was when the amber security lights blinked from on top of the gates the brightest suggesting something scary lurked inside and in the mornings the birds sang from the tree tops before speeding their wings and flying away over the fences and alarms that kept the rest of us trapped inside like brutal dogs in a cage. To dangerous to mix with the “real” people in the “real” word.
Wrapping my self up tight in my dressing gown and shivering I glanced in the mirror at my face. My tube had moved in the night and I had been bleeding from that nostril so I now had a scummy dried layer of blood down to my bottom lip. My Hair had taking a battering from the tossing and turnings if my nightmares and of course I still had the white scare to remind me that not all nightmares where just confined to when I slept.
Frustrated with my reflection I yanked the tube back over my ear and smoothed down the tape to the side of my face before yanking my fingers through my hair pulling out a fair amount into my hands.
“Ugly fat bitch.” I moaned licking my finger and scraping at the dried blood on my face.
“Ugly, fat, dumb, stupid bitch.” a spat at my reflection once more before reaching out my hand and clawing the reflection in front of me hoping that somehow I would actually claw at my face. No nothing changed regardless of good moments. I was still fat, dumb Ugly Mi.
The next morning I woke up to find my self in Dream with the same light dancing over my face and the same noises from the little corridor that I had walked up a thousand times. The same pictures of tabby kittens in cups and Pug puppy’s in boots greeted me from the walls and my hips hurt the same from where they rubbed on the corners of the mattress. Down stares the familiar clangs and smashes of plates and cutlery could be heard from members of staff setting up the breakfast table. I didn’t know what I was expecting but nothing had changed. Meaning good moments meant nothing.
Sighing and cranky from my broken nights sleep of nightmares I heaved my heavy body out of the bed and pulled back the curtains. At this time of the morning and at night was when I hated the Unit most. These where the times when the car park was empty and the lights where off in the out patients building next door. At night was when the amber security lights blinked from on top of the gates the brightest suggesting something scary lurked inside and in the mornings the birds sang from the tree tops before speeding their wings and flying away over the fences and alarms that kept the rest of us trapped inside like brutal dogs in a cage. To dangerous to mix with the “real” people in the “real” word.
Wrapping my self up tight in my dressing gown and shivering I glanced in the mirror at my face. My tube had moved in the night and I had been bleeding from that nostril so I now had a scummy dried layer of blood down to my bottom lip. My Hair had taking a battering from the tossing and turnings if my nightmares and of course I still had the white scare to remind me that not all nightmares where just confined to when I slept.
Frustrated with my reflection I yanked the tube back over my ear and smoothed down the tape to the side of my face before yanking my fingers through my hair pulling out a fair amount into my hands.
“Ugly fat bitch.” I moaned licking my finger and scraping at the dried blood on my face.
“Ugly, fat, dumb, stupid bitch.” a spat at my reflection once more before reaching out my hand and clawing the reflection in front of me hoping that somehow I would actually claw at my face. No nothing changed regardless of good moments. I was still fat, dumb Ugly Mi.
Damn writers block and a huge thank you
I have a damn writers block. I have my mind ticking over but there are many ways to go and my brain hurts. I just want to let every oen know that i haven't given up i'm just stuck.
Coincadently i think theis book is over 100 A4 pages long now! What iks more amazing is that you are all still here reading it. Some of you more then once!
You all say that i am amazing for writing this but you are all more amazing for reading it, thank you so much!!
Coincadently i think theis book is over 100 A4 pages long now! What iks more amazing is that you are all still here reading it. Some of you more then once!
You all say that i am amazing for writing this but you are all more amazing for reading it, thank you so much!!
Friday, 19 November 2010
What lengths to seize controle, (Emmet's side)
What lengths to seize control
I didn’t react right away to Mi hoping that she was going to get back in control of her self like she was trying to do but as the retching got louder and more people began to look I decided it was time to intervene before she vomited into her pasta.
“Come on Mi” I said gently sighing to my self while I squeezed her leg gently under the table to encourage her to move. “Come on honey.”
“Slowly Mi untangled her shaking body from the table and got to her feet still retching red faced and embraced into her un-plastered hand her eyes glinting with tears.
Eager to get her out of the room I grabbed hold of her plaster cast and pulled her towards the door and up the corridor to the clinic room hoping that I would get her into the room and calm her down before she vomited back up her dinner any real food she kept down her would be an achievement.
“Come on in sweet pee.” I said swiping my card key in the door and leading her into the stuffy clinic. “Take a seat up there for me.” I said as sweetly as I could pointing to the doctors bench.
There was not other way to describe Mi other then a walking Sterlington as she took the few steps towards the bench you could see her hips move and the two red sores on the points where her jeans designed for a 11 rubbed against the pointed edges. What had gone so wrong in this girls life that she was starving her self to death to keep in control?
I didn’t react right away to Mi hoping that she was going to get back in control of her self like she was trying to do but as the retching got louder and more people began to look I decided it was time to intervene before she vomited into her pasta.
“Come on Mi” I said gently sighing to my self while I squeezed her leg gently under the table to encourage her to move. “Come on honey.”
“Slowly Mi untangled her shaking body from the table and got to her feet still retching red faced and embraced into her un-plastered hand her eyes glinting with tears.
Eager to get her out of the room I grabbed hold of her plaster cast and pulled her towards the door and up the corridor to the clinic room hoping that I would get her into the room and calm her down before she vomited back up her dinner any real food she kept down her would be an achievement.
“Come on in sweet pee.” I said swiping my card key in the door and leading her into the stuffy clinic. “Take a seat up there for me.” I said as sweetly as I could pointing to the doctors bench.
There was not other way to describe Mi other then a walking Sterlington as she took the few steps towards the bench you could see her hips move and the two red sores on the points where her jeans designed for a 11 rubbed against the pointed edges. What had gone so wrong in this girls life that she was starving her self to death to keep in control?
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
A good momet, (Mi's side)
A good moment
“I know it is hard Mi but I will not be doing you any favours if I let you keep scratching at your self your just going to have to learn to trust me.” Esmee said gently pulling the big orange bucket of plaster over to the doctors bench where I was still sitting under the space blankets with the heater on me. I kept having the image float through my head that I was roast dinner.
“I do trust you.” I said almost with out thinking about it. Esmee like Emmet had long ago earned my trust even if this was the first time I admitted it to her.
“At last, this is a good moment.” Esmee smiled her brilliant flashing smile that lit up the whole room and gave every on that warm feeling inside that you get just after you watch a Disney film.
“A good moment, why?” I asked
“ Three months ago you didn’t trust any one, you didn’t talk to any one. Now you trust two people. You have opened up to us and you may not realise it now you just stopped yourself from hurting yourself and stayed in control while doing it.” Esmee said smiling again happy tears glistening in bother her eyes.
“This Mi, Is a fantastic moment!”
“I know it is hard Mi but I will not be doing you any favours if I let you keep scratching at your self your just going to have to learn to trust me.” Esmee said gently pulling the big orange bucket of plaster over to the doctors bench where I was still sitting under the space blankets with the heater on me. I kept having the image float through my head that I was roast dinner.
“I do trust you.” I said almost with out thinking about it. Esmee like Emmet had long ago earned my trust even if this was the first time I admitted it to her.
“At last, this is a good moment.” Esmee smiled her brilliant flashing smile that lit up the whole room and gave every on that warm feeling inside that you get just after you watch a Disney film.
“A good moment, why?” I asked
“ Three months ago you didn’t trust any one, you didn’t talk to any one. Now you trust two people. You have opened up to us and you may not realise it now you just stopped yourself from hurting yourself and stayed in control while doing it.” Esmee said smiling again happy tears glistening in bother her eyes.
“This Mi, Is a fantastic moment!”
Friday, 12 November 2010
what do you think of the new lay out?
Hi every one just wondering what you all think of the new look blog hope you all like it.
Super human abilities (Mi's side)
Super human abilities
I leant my heavy head back up against the cold cream colour wall and closed my eyes letting a solitary tear drip out of my right eye and down my face where it come to settle on my feeding tube.
“You look shattered honey. When is the last time you slept the whole night through?”
“Well it wasn’t night but I was pretty soundo when you shoved that stuff in my ass. A few hours ago.”
“I had to do that Mi. I don’t like doing it, but there was no option, there was no ECA or safe place for you to be. You could of seriously hurt your self if we let it continue.”
“I know, but I wish you didn’t. I Hate sleep.” I moaned still keeping my eyes shut but letting my lips curl up at the edges into a smile so Esmee new I wasn’t angry at her for sedating me.
“You seem to hate everything that is good for you.” Esmee sighed. I opened my eye a crack and watched her move off of the bed and over to the cupboards of the clinic and started pulling things out again. When I realised all was safe and well I let my eyes close again
.
“It’s not like that Esmee. It’d hard to explain.” I moaned
“Can you try for me.”
“I think so.” I said trying to rearrange the words that swam lazily around my head into a sentence while I dug at a single place on my hand with my thumbnail until I felt the warm blood under the skin. These seemed to centre my thoughts.
“It’s all about control right. Not eating, cutting , counting. Everything.”
“I guess so.”
“I hate losing control. I know I do, that doesn’t mean I like it. Every time I get manic I try so heard to Calm my self down but I can’t it’s like something In my head is bubbling over. Well I guess sleep is like that apart from I am more bubbling under.”
“Go on .”
I looked for the words to go on to try and make it easier to explain before the float images intruded behind my eyes forcing me to open them. I sighed. This was another reason I hated sleep so much. The creeping figures always came to scare me.
“It’s dangerous when your asleep. All control goes. You can’t control how your body moves, how you think, what happens around you. Any one can hurt you, and then there’s what you dream. The night mares you can get stuck in. They can be more scary then anything being awake can throw at you."
“It scares you.” Esmee observed as she poured water from the hose attachment on the sink into a big orange bucket before throwing in two bandages. I looked at her like there was a possibility that she had lost her mind.
“It’s a plaster cast. You got your one wet and it’s useless now. It’s just for tonight. I will write it in the diary for you to go over to the Fracture clinic tomorrow and get a new one.” Esmee offered with a smile seeing my confusion.
Panic raised in my stomach at the thought of having to go back there and explain so I dug I dug a little harder at the back of my hand with my thumb nail to try and keep my self calm. I didn’t want to go back over to the A and E. I could do with out there judgment and hatred. I hated my self enough.
“Also I would like to point out that I am not an idiot Mi and I know what you are doing under that tinfoil and I would like you to stop.” Esmee added giving me a meaning full stare that was disapproving but not harsh or hateful.
I stopped the scratching immediately and sighed, I should of guessed One Of Esmee’s super human abilities that she seemed to have would have been seeing through apparently opaque objects.
I leant my heavy head back up against the cold cream colour wall and closed my eyes letting a solitary tear drip out of my right eye and down my face where it come to settle on my feeding tube.
“You look shattered honey. When is the last time you slept the whole night through?”
“Well it wasn’t night but I was pretty soundo when you shoved that stuff in my ass. A few hours ago.”
“I had to do that Mi. I don’t like doing it, but there was no option, there was no ECA or safe place for you to be. You could of seriously hurt your self if we let it continue.”
“I know, but I wish you didn’t. I Hate sleep.” I moaned still keeping my eyes shut but letting my lips curl up at the edges into a smile so Esmee new I wasn’t angry at her for sedating me.
“You seem to hate everything that is good for you.” Esmee sighed. I opened my eye a crack and watched her move off of the bed and over to the cupboards of the clinic and started pulling things out again. When I realised all was safe and well I let my eyes close again
.
“It’s not like that Esmee. It’d hard to explain.” I moaned
“Can you try for me.”
“I think so.” I said trying to rearrange the words that swam lazily around my head into a sentence while I dug at a single place on my hand with my thumbnail until I felt the warm blood under the skin. These seemed to centre my thoughts.
“It’s all about control right. Not eating, cutting , counting. Everything.”
“I guess so.”
“I hate losing control. I know I do, that doesn’t mean I like it. Every time I get manic I try so heard to Calm my self down but I can’t it’s like something In my head is bubbling over. Well I guess sleep is like that apart from I am more bubbling under.”
“Go on .”
I looked for the words to go on to try and make it easier to explain before the float images intruded behind my eyes forcing me to open them. I sighed. This was another reason I hated sleep so much. The creeping figures always came to scare me.
“It’s dangerous when your asleep. All control goes. You can’t control how your body moves, how you think, what happens around you. Any one can hurt you, and then there’s what you dream. The night mares you can get stuck in. They can be more scary then anything being awake can throw at you."
“It scares you.” Esmee observed as she poured water from the hose attachment on the sink into a big orange bucket before throwing in two bandages. I looked at her like there was a possibility that she had lost her mind.
“It’s a plaster cast. You got your one wet and it’s useless now. It’s just for tonight. I will write it in the diary for you to go over to the Fracture clinic tomorrow and get a new one.” Esmee offered with a smile seeing my confusion.
Panic raised in my stomach at the thought of having to go back there and explain so I dug I dug a little harder at the back of my hand with my thumb nail to try and keep my self calm. I didn’t want to go back over to the A and E. I could do with out there judgment and hatred. I hated my self enough.
“Also I would like to point out that I am not an idiot Mi and I know what you are doing under that tinfoil and I would like you to stop.” Esmee added giving me a meaning full stare that was disapproving but not harsh or hateful.
I stopped the scratching immediately and sighed, I should of guessed One Of Esmee’s super human abilities that she seemed to have would have been seeing through apparently opaque objects.
Thursday, 11 November 2010
letting go and healing (Mi's side)
I am sorry about deleating thw last chapter called volcano but i read back though the story and it actually made no sence. Mi had actually told Emmet and Esmee about her abuse before so the chapter needed some tweeking and here is the finished vershion. I hope you like this chapter just as much though.
Letting go and healing
“You talk like I can be saved Esmee, like somehow I can be helped? I will never believe you, I am to damaged.” I said shivering a little even though I was under two very large tinfoil blankets and had a heater blowing hot air in my direction.
“Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive. Josephine Hart ” Esmee said getting to her feet and pulling the Ear thermometer off of the wall. “It is a good quote.”
“I can’t survive though.” I sighed “I have tried being perfect and it doesn’t work. I am damaged in a bad way, not a romantic way. Something I can’t get back from or change.” I said sadly absentmindedly pulling the hair off of the side of my face so Esmee could put the thermometer in my ear.
Esmee gently smoothed down the side of my wet hair in a rhythmic fashion and smiled in her some what sad way as she held the thermometer in my ear.
“I know what happened to you Mi and though you may think you are damaged but I don’t think you are honey. The people who did this are the damaged. Damaged meaning they are evil and wrong. You are not damaged Mi. You are hurt but still beautiful.”
“I don’t feel beautiful Esmee. I mostly just feel him on me and that doesn’t make me beautiful. That just makes me ugly that I aloud him to do that to me. Esmee I let him have sex with me! I let him shove his hands inside of me and every day it makes me feel sick. He made me give him a blow job just to survive, just to breath, everyday I wish I didn’t. I’m sure death would have been better.”
Esmee’s face was unreadable as she sat with her hand under my tinfoil blanket her fingers locked around mine her thumb gently rubbing over the top of my hands and bumping over the old scars like an ugly patch work blanket.
“I always feel dirty Esmee. I can’t get him off of me. I close my eyes and I see them they are always there. “
“Them?”
“Mum had loads of boyfriend. One night stands and things. But two I remember. Two I was forced to call dad, and both of them seemed to be more sexually interested in me then what they where with my mother.
The first one I think was the worse. Mostly on the account that he is still alive and can still get to me, but he used to display me to. Put me in the middle and rent me out as a sex toy for people.”
I then stopped unable to say any more my breath getting caught in my mouth and my tummy
filling with nausea. I couldn’t think about it any more , I couldn’t think about any of it any more I just wanted out.
“It’s all right. You don’t have to say any more. You have done really well talking to me like that. It’s all part of healing.
Letting go and healing
“You talk like I can be saved Esmee, like somehow I can be helped? I will never believe you, I am to damaged.” I said shivering a little even though I was under two very large tinfoil blankets and had a heater blowing hot air in my direction.
“Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive. Josephine Hart ” Esmee said getting to her feet and pulling the Ear thermometer off of the wall. “It is a good quote.”
“I can’t survive though.” I sighed “I have tried being perfect and it doesn’t work. I am damaged in a bad way, not a romantic way. Something I can’t get back from or change.” I said sadly absentmindedly pulling the hair off of the side of my face so Esmee could put the thermometer in my ear.
Esmee gently smoothed down the side of my wet hair in a rhythmic fashion and smiled in her some what sad way as she held the thermometer in my ear.
“I know what happened to you Mi and though you may think you are damaged but I don’t think you are honey. The people who did this are the damaged. Damaged meaning they are evil and wrong. You are not damaged Mi. You are hurt but still beautiful.”
“I don’t feel beautiful Esmee. I mostly just feel him on me and that doesn’t make me beautiful. That just makes me ugly that I aloud him to do that to me. Esmee I let him have sex with me! I let him shove his hands inside of me and every day it makes me feel sick. He made me give him a blow job just to survive, just to breath, everyday I wish I didn’t. I’m sure death would have been better.”
Esmee’s face was unreadable as she sat with her hand under my tinfoil blanket her fingers locked around mine her thumb gently rubbing over the top of my hands and bumping over the old scars like an ugly patch work blanket.
“I always feel dirty Esmee. I can’t get him off of me. I close my eyes and I see them they are always there. “
“Them?”
“Mum had loads of boyfriend. One night stands and things. But two I remember. Two I was forced to call dad, and both of them seemed to be more sexually interested in me then what they where with my mother.
The first one I think was the worse. Mostly on the account that he is still alive and can still get to me, but he used to display me to. Put me in the middle and rent me out as a sex toy for people.”
I then stopped unable to say any more my breath getting caught in my mouth and my tummy
filling with nausea. I couldn’t think about it any more , I couldn’t think about any of it any more I just wanted out.
“It’s all right. You don’t have to say any more. You have done really well talking to me like that. It’s all part of healing.
Friday, 5 November 2010
When tomorrow comes we will try again (Mi's side)
When tomorrow comes we will try again
“Come on Mi I want to get you down to the clinic room OK .” Esmee said getting to her feat and then dragging my reluctant weighed down body with her.
I clutched my fingers into the fabric of Esmee’s top and held my head close to her shoulder wanting to catch the sent of her strawberry shampoo again, but most of all I wanted her not to hate me for all I had done for every time I thought about surviving Apply gate with out her and Emmet I felt my soul die.
When we got to the clinic room Esmee used her card Key and pushed open the door to the clinic. I took my position up onto the doctors bench where I dripped onto the crispy white paper that covered it.
I have always wanted an excuse to use these bloody things.” Esmee smiled as she unlocked a cabinet and pulled out two trays of space blankets before grabbing some and coming over to my bed tearing the plastic with her fingernails and unwrapping the giant tinfoil blankets.
“Here you go.” Esmee smiled wrapping the blankets around me “It looks like I am preparing you do go into the oven Esmee said again before going over to the corner of the room and pulling out a heater which she plugged in and directed towards me. “There you go all roasting.”
I tried to smile back at Esmee but only the rears came again which I tried to brush away with my finger tips. With this Esmee’s smile faded to and she came to sit next to me on the doctors bench.
“Talk to me Honey. I know I triggered you back then I didn’t mean to do that. I was trying to help. If you need to cut we can do somthing there is awlys a way out of it, it just some times takes a while to find”
“I know you hate me now Esmee and I know I have done so much wrong, I just want to get rid of it all, somehow get it out of me or make it numb at least. You couldn’t ever trigger me only I can do that, but know i don't wanrt to cut now. I just want nothing. I have no energy to cut my self."
“How many times do I have to tell you mi? I don’t hate you.”
“Maybe not but I know you have given up on me and I don’t blame you everything I have done, everything I have…”
“Mia listen to me. Esmee said scooting up on the bench and coming close to my body before wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling me in close to her. I didn't resist her close to me seemed to do a good job at warming up my soul. It let me know i wasn't alone
“Mi I am not going any where unless it is something out of my control. You can’t scare me off or offend me Ok and by hurting your self I wont go any where or get board or exasperated or what ever because I know what it feels like OK. I know what it is like to be told to stop only to find out you really, really cant. Only to find out what hurts you the most is also the thing that in you head you think keeps you sane and i also know just because you are put into a unit you wont stop hurting you self right away, but I also know that you can stop. soon it will get less and less until one day you will find another way and you wont have I hurt your self any more. Until then we will try and stop you hurting you self but if we don’t manage it we will stitch you up, patch you up, get you to the hospital and then try again tomorrow.
“Come on Mi I want to get you down to the clinic room OK .” Esmee said getting to her feat and then dragging my reluctant weighed down body with her.
I clutched my fingers into the fabric of Esmee’s top and held my head close to her shoulder wanting to catch the sent of her strawberry shampoo again, but most of all I wanted her not to hate me for all I had done for every time I thought about surviving Apply gate with out her and Emmet I felt my soul die.
When we got to the clinic room Esmee used her card Key and pushed open the door to the clinic. I took my position up onto the doctors bench where I dripped onto the crispy white paper that covered it.
I have always wanted an excuse to use these bloody things.” Esmee smiled as she unlocked a cabinet and pulled out two trays of space blankets before grabbing some and coming over to my bed tearing the plastic with her fingernails and unwrapping the giant tinfoil blankets.
“Here you go.” Esmee smiled wrapping the blankets around me “It looks like I am preparing you do go into the oven Esmee said again before going over to the corner of the room and pulling out a heater which she plugged in and directed towards me. “There you go all roasting.”
I tried to smile back at Esmee but only the rears came again which I tried to brush away with my finger tips. With this Esmee’s smile faded to and she came to sit next to me on the doctors bench.
“Talk to me Honey. I know I triggered you back then I didn’t mean to do that. I was trying to help. If you need to cut we can do somthing there is awlys a way out of it, it just some times takes a while to find”
“I know you hate me now Esmee and I know I have done so much wrong, I just want to get rid of it all, somehow get it out of me or make it numb at least. You couldn’t ever trigger me only I can do that, but know i don't wanrt to cut now. I just want nothing. I have no energy to cut my self."
“How many times do I have to tell you mi? I don’t hate you.”
“Maybe not but I know you have given up on me and I don’t blame you everything I have done, everything I have…”
“Mia listen to me. Esmee said scooting up on the bench and coming close to my body before wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling me in close to her. I didn't resist her close to me seemed to do a good job at warming up my soul. It let me know i wasn't alone
“Mi I am not going any where unless it is something out of my control. You can’t scare me off or offend me Ok and by hurting your self I wont go any where or get board or exasperated or what ever because I know what it feels like OK. I know what it is like to be told to stop only to find out you really, really cant. Only to find out what hurts you the most is also the thing that in you head you think keeps you sane and i also know just because you are put into a unit you wont stop hurting you self right away, but I also know that you can stop. soon it will get less and less until one day you will find another way and you wont have I hurt your self any more. Until then we will try and stop you hurting you self but if we don’t manage it we will stitch you up, patch you up, get you to the hospital and then try again tomorrow.
my ponderings
My friend like the rest of you reading on here has followed mi from the begining and says she liked it but the otehr day she asked me somthing.
Is it all to much? Did i have to be so graphic and could i of left out the flash back seens. The chapter she was refuring to was when Mi was describing to Esmee when she started to cut, why she did it and how. It felt strange to me out of all of the graphic chapters in my story this is the one she would pick up because i beleave there have bee worse.
This chapter was basicly a page on one of my old journals that was reworded and edited to fit, so in short this was my story and i have never considered it to much.
So i was wondering what you all thought. Iknow you all enjoy this because you wouldn't of followed me over here after it was deleated off fo RYL. (with out any PM from the mods telling me that they had done so. but that is just my own private grumble) Any way to the point though. do other people think that this is all to much. Should i try and fial it all down a bit? Make it all a little sweeter and less real?
Ahh any way private podering over on with the story.
Is it all to much? Did i have to be so graphic and could i of left out the flash back seens. The chapter she was refuring to was when Mi was describing to Esmee when she started to cut, why she did it and how. It felt strange to me out of all of the graphic chapters in my story this is the one she would pick up because i beleave there have bee worse.
This chapter was basicly a page on one of my old journals that was reworded and edited to fit, so in short this was my story and i have never considered it to much.
So i was wondering what you all thought. Iknow you all enjoy this because you wouldn't of followed me over here after it was deleated off fo RYL. (with out any PM from the mods telling me that they had done so. but that is just my own private grumble) Any way to the point though. do other people think that this is all to much. Should i try and fial it all down a bit? Make it all a little sweeter and less real?
Ahh any way private podering over on with the story.
Worse then I hoped for or just what I should of expected (Emmets side)
Worse then I hoped for or just what I should of expected
“Right I believe it is time for dinner.” Crystal snapped as soon as I saw Mi’s face relax even the slightest and right away the panic was zapped back into her face but Crystal was right. It was going to be hard but while Mi was on the build up menu meal times where absolute there was no avoiding them.
“Come on it is OK. I am with you this lunch time. Every meal you will get a partner with you OK Mi. Tonight it is Me.” I of course could of been wrong but I swore I saw her shoulders relaxed a bit as she looked up at me for a second and smiled.
When we got to the dinning room every one was all ready seated apart from the four chairs that where sat empty and waiting for us to fill them.
“Ingrid, Crystal.” Ella shouted from the opposite end of the table. “We thought Emmet had eaten you!”
“All right, All right so I don’t like missing Dinner.” I shouted over the top of the laughing and while the rest of the staff and clients where laughing into there dinner I guided Mi to her chair with the food and handed her a fork.
Mi’s face was suddenly gray and beads of sweet covered over the top of her fore head like suddenly she had developed gastroenteritis and was about to puke her guts up Into her pasta bake. I had to look away before I gave into my urge to drag her down to the clinic room.”
“Emmet she’s fine,“ Esmee said very faintly from over the opposite side of the table so I could only here her. She caught my eyes with a small smile and popped a piece of the pasta in to her mouth before she spotted Bella beside of her out the corner of her eyes trying to shove a fist full of the pasta into her pocket and grabbed hold of her wrist directing the food back to her plate. I saw Bella mime the word fucking bitch out of the corner of her mouth and I had to stop a giggle, she didn’t meant it in a nasty way Bella loved Esmee but when it come to food any one could turn into a “fcking bitch.” Of course it didn’t help that Esmee had turned around and replied “Yeah I know I am a right cow.”
Mi had now gone into her self like I was expecting and was slowly placing tiny pieces of pasta onto her fork before putting them into her mouth and chewing them slowly counting the number of bites whispered through her teeth. This of course would have to be stopped too but not today.; The fact that she was attempting to eat was enough.
“Well done Mi.” I said giving her a wink and gently squeezing her leg under the table. She responded with a smile before forgetting everything else again and taking more tiny bites out if her meal.
“Emmet Eat.” Esmee whispered again from across the them table after sorting Bella out. I looked at her blankly.
“Your food“ She confirmed looking down at her plate that was in front of her before picking up another fork full and putting in into her mouth as if in demonstration of how to eat.
“Of yeah.” I mumbled to my self before grabbing my fork and taking a mouth full of food but before I could repeat the action Esmee had caught my attention again and glanced at Mi next to me.
“I think she’s in trouble. “ Esmee whispered and with that I heard the retching coming from beside of me. This was worse then I had hoped for and she was doing so well to.
“Right I believe it is time for dinner.” Crystal snapped as soon as I saw Mi’s face relax even the slightest and right away the panic was zapped back into her face but Crystal was right. It was going to be hard but while Mi was on the build up menu meal times where absolute there was no avoiding them.
“Come on it is OK. I am with you this lunch time. Every meal you will get a partner with you OK Mi. Tonight it is Me.” I of course could of been wrong but I swore I saw her shoulders relaxed a bit as she looked up at me for a second and smiled.
When we got to the dinning room every one was all ready seated apart from the four chairs that where sat empty and waiting for us to fill them.
“Ingrid, Crystal.” Ella shouted from the opposite end of the table. “We thought Emmet had eaten you!”
“All right, All right so I don’t like missing Dinner.” I shouted over the top of the laughing and while the rest of the staff and clients where laughing into there dinner I guided Mi to her chair with the food and handed her a fork.
Mi’s face was suddenly gray and beads of sweet covered over the top of her fore head like suddenly she had developed gastroenteritis and was about to puke her guts up Into her pasta bake. I had to look away before I gave into my urge to drag her down to the clinic room.”
“Emmet she’s fine,“ Esmee said very faintly from over the opposite side of the table so I could only here her. She caught my eyes with a small smile and popped a piece of the pasta in to her mouth before she spotted Bella beside of her out the corner of her eyes trying to shove a fist full of the pasta into her pocket and grabbed hold of her wrist directing the food back to her plate. I saw Bella mime the word fucking bitch out of the corner of her mouth and I had to stop a giggle, she didn’t meant it in a nasty way Bella loved Esmee but when it come to food any one could turn into a “fcking bitch.” Of course it didn’t help that Esmee had turned around and replied “Yeah I know I am a right cow.”
Mi had now gone into her self like I was expecting and was slowly placing tiny pieces of pasta onto her fork before putting them into her mouth and chewing them slowly counting the number of bites whispered through her teeth. This of course would have to be stopped too but not today.; The fact that she was attempting to eat was enough.
“Well done Mi.” I said giving her a wink and gently squeezing her leg under the table. She responded with a smile before forgetting everything else again and taking more tiny bites out if her meal.
“Emmet Eat.” Esmee whispered again from across the them table after sorting Bella out. I looked at her blankly.
“Your food“ She confirmed looking down at her plate that was in front of her before picking up another fork full and putting in into her mouth as if in demonstration of how to eat.
“Of yeah.” I mumbled to my self before grabbing my fork and taking a mouth full of food but before I could repeat the action Esmee had caught my attention again and glanced at Mi next to me.
“I think she’s in trouble. “ Esmee whispered and with that I heard the retching coming from beside of me. This was worse then I had hoped for and she was doing so well to.
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