Naked (Mis side)

Naked

So walk away, walk away

Save your self from the heart ach

Go now before it’s too late

So walk away, walk away

Save your self from the heart ach.

Go now before it’s too late

But still she stays

The script walk away

Leave, for god sake walk out of this room and don’t come back! Burn the adoption file move house, move jobs, don’t ever come near me again because I hate you OK! I hate that you won’t listen and no matter how loud I shout you won’t believe me! I hate You Esmee, I just hate you!” I shouted my tears beating hers to the finish line as I span my legs around so they where sat on the edge of the bed and permitted them to fall down in rivers over my cheeks as I stared into the featured of her face that was now one of utter panic; my explosion was obviously not what she was expecting.

“Mi’ I’m sorry I upset you, what did I say honey, tell me so I know how to put it right?” Esmee asked franticly not knowing weather to come over to me or stand back from me so in the end just landed up rocking back and forth on the spot and stroking thin air with her hands as if trying desperately trying to comfort it;. I wanted to sofen to her and stop her panic but this was the last round I would ever fight against her and I had to win because in reality I far from hated her I loved her but if she new that se wouldn’t leave and she was about to start fighting a battle she could not win, she was trying to stop the all ready broken from becoming broken and not even super hero Esmee had a TRDIS up her sleeve. If she stayed with me I would destroy her; I had to get her to leave

“Go! Leave me! Leave me now!” I practically screamed at the shell shocked Esmee who now danced and squirmed in the corner of the room in an uncomfortable manner looking like she needed to use the toilet.

“Ok, Ok I will go just calm down and please so I don’t lose my head tell me what I did wrong.”

“You love me! I can see it in your eyes and I don’t know what to do because I never seen a love like it and know I am going to hurt you! I shouted in-between sobbing. The worse was I wasn’t really sure what I was finding so completely distressing and upsetting but right then even though it was at a stupid time and had no real reason I had to scream and I wanted to cry and everything hurt my body and mind to much to stop it. These tears had to be cried and my screams had to be heard.

“You are fighting for me and I am a battle I you can’t win because I all ready lost everyone Esmee! You lose this fight and then I will lose you because you seem like the kind of girl that will fight to the death for what you believes in and for some reason you believe in me.”

“It’s all right honey, it’s OK”

“It damn well isn’t OK!” I yelled before in haste ripping the hospital gown that was on me right off leaving me naked with just the drips and tubes coming out every vain and opening in my body, some pumping stuff in and others pumping it out the newest one and oddly the most predomination one was in my stomach and something tight felt like it constricted around my heart; I had a PEG tube but strangely even that didn’t matter all that much then, it was just another sticking plaster to hold together a ripped up person.

“Look at me uncovered, look at everything I have become.” I sobbed as I sat on the bed completely naked not even trying to protect my modesty, what was the point anyway he had took it all away from me a long time ago, he had torn out every real feeling inside of me and left me completely empty, he had hurt me and something inside me finally realized it wasn’t my fault.

“Do I look fucked up enough on the outside yet to show how fucked up it is inside? Do I have enough scars on my skin to show how inside I am completely shredded and bleeding out? Don’t I look so scary and broken yet to you Esmee that you can tell I wont be mended or can’t be saved. Am I not fucked up enough so you won’t even start to fight? Well this is me Esmee all that I am, Naked, scared and broken and even though I have tried I can’t be better for you; hell I wanted to be better for you! So am I really worth the fight? Esmee before it is too late for god sake save your self and walk away because if you don’t leave now I will never let you go!”

Esmee said nothing as I stopped ranting and sobbed into my hands curling up in a naked ball onto the bed again my body shivering from the pain and effort of crying so hard.

Esmee very slowly moved from the corner of the room and approached my bed and covered my body in the clean hospital sheet before turning and sitting on the floor next to my bed and letting her tears fall too; sometimes tears said all there was to say.

Fight ti the end (Mi's side)

Fight to the end

“I wish I had better words but I keep coming up short. It feels terrible inside me now, it did before when you told me about the abuse for the first time but I am tried to here those confessions as a staff nurse, as you sister I mostly just feel anger.”

“I’m sorry; I guess I see why you are angry at me though it does…”

“Stop, stop, stop!” Esmee shouted cutting off my some what stupid explanation with her icy tone and I stopped in my track, here want a situation I could win or persuade her with and even if I had the chance to make my excuses what would they be? I was angry with me too; angry that I couldn’t Save Arabella and my self; angry that he left me so dirty and all of the boiling water and soap in the world couldn’t wash him off of me.

“I’m angry at him Mi and I’m angry at my self and every one else in the world right now; every one apart from you. You where a little girl and he used you and broke and tore you up and took something that wasn’t his to take!” Esmee whined in a strained voice the tears building up in her onyx eyes making them shine.

“You where a little girl and now your all grown up and the woman in front of me is still living with her ghost. You spent you whole life protecting people and standing up to take the force of the blow. No wonder you are on you knees and gasping for breath; no wonder you are constantly looking for a way out, I would be; I did. But Mi you’re my baby sister I never new you where there but now I do I’m going to protect you I am going to fight for you until the day I die, no one will ever hurt you again.”

the sacrifice (MI's side)

The sacrifice

This contains a graphic account of sexual abuse, take care please

“It started when I was about 10 and they did things to me; painful things; bad things; I think it was sex, I’m not sure but I think it was. He hurt me a lot more then what his fingers did and it lasted longer and he seemed to enjoy it more but I passed out; I think it was the pain and when I came round I was really sick but it made me feel better and it made me feel like I was clean inside again, like he had put something in me and I could get it out just by being sick.”

“Mi I just want to say something, that isn’t sex what you just described; sex can be something amazing; what you just described was rape and child abuse.”


“It wasn’t, I told him he could do it to me, I said I enjoyed it and I said he could keep one doing it. He said if I said no, or wined or cried he would stop everything and he would never touch me again.”

“I don’t believe that Mi and even if he did you where too little to make that choice; it was still wrong.”

“He did Esmee! I swear to god he did! But there was a condition if it wasn’t me it was her. He said if I didn’t she would have to. If I said no A-Bell wouldn’t have a choice; she would have to take my place… I was the sacrifice to keep her safe.”

to me you are beautiful

To me you are beautiful.

It was almost like my body shouted fuck off at Esmee as I tried to get the answer out to her question and it vomited any way covering the bottom of the bowl on my lap in a black and green mess; fantastic now Esmee was going to think I was ignoring her and making my self sick any way; even when I tried to be a “good girl” I fucked up.

“Wowah,” Esmee said slightly startled as she reached over grabbed another bowl from the massive pile and held it up close under my chin, but the nausea had gone as quick as it had come and I new I wouldn’t be sick again making me look even more suspicious; cold the world really hate me that much to want me to alienate every one?”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled not bothering to even mutter my long explanation of how I didn’t make my self sick and how it just happened it was pointless any way there was no way she would believe me.

“You could help that Mi, you weren’t making your self sick then that just happened, you where almost as shocked about it as I was, your body has been though a whole lot and there is a load of medicine going into you a bit of sickness is to be expected.”

“I can sort that out if you want.” Jasper said making Esmee and my self jump; it appeared we had both forgotten he was still in the room with us, “I think you are about due for some more anti sickness if you wanted it any way, Then I really must change your sheets so you can get some sleep tonight.” Jasper said with a camp flick of his hand as he uncrossed his legs threw a piece of tissue over my latest bowl of vomit and left swinging his hips.

“Esmee, am I really too thin?”

“Yes.”

“Then why can’t I see it? When I look in the mirror I do see this fat person staring back at me and I mean I am huge I see fat rolls and love handles and everything, I’m not lying Esmee I do see that.”

“I know you do honey.”

“Where you like me too? Did you look at your self and hate every little bit?”

“You want to know one of my secrets, I sometimes still do.”

“But you’re so beautiful.”

“That doesn’t mean I feel it because so are you but you wont believe me and that is kind of what hurts the most, I could say it over and over again and it would make no difference would it, you just don’t feel it, but you are; to me you are beautiful.

Aughhhhhhh

Ok genral rant here.

I juat want to let every one know that i still am reading all of your coments and things and as always i love receaving them and reasing them! I am so glad that every one is still liking what they read and not getting bord.

The reasions why i am not ansering any comments is for some strange reasion it will no longer let me comment on my own blog any more! GREAT!!!!! UGH I AM ANNOYED

Sorry guys i'm really not ignoring you!!

Tell it like it is (Mi's side)

I don't think this is praticulerly triggering but i must admit that i was in floods of tears while writing this and i am not sure why, maybe i am being over emotonal, maybe it was the song i was listening to ( the loneliest girl in the word by the Cary brothers, check it out it is amazing) or maybe it is a bit triggering and i can't see it, so just a little warning here. thanks for reading everyone
vikki


tell it like it is.

Say it, say it, say it, tell it like it is

Say it, say it, say it, tell it like it is

What breaks your heart

What keeps you awake at night

What makes you want to break down and cry

Tell it like it is

Tracy Chapmen

“Just tell me what it will achieve baby?” Esmee asked putting down the new pyjamas before coming over to the bed and sitting close by my side her hand gripping onto the bowl next to mine once again her beautiful engagement ring catching my eye; an amazing and some what significant token of how Emmet loved her more then the world it’s self.

“What do you mean?” I asked trying not to sound too defensive. I had a horrible feeling that Esmee had some how picked up the super power of mind reading and had dived in there and discovered my long to make my self sick; sick until I was thin again; sick until I was even thinner, Sick until I could fade to nothing

“I’m not reading you like a book Mi, I am simply reading me, that face your wearing I have worn it before but I want to stop you making the mistakes that I would have made. The fact that you haven’t made your self puke that means there is something in you that knows you shouldn’t. So tell me Mi what will making you self sick achieve; convince me and I will let you, I promise.”

“You can’t promise that, you have to stop me.”

“At this moment I am no one and free to make whatever promise I want Mi, make your case, you have my word.”

“I am fat, I want to be thin Esmee, and I want to fit in and be popular and be happy and free and beautiful.” I whimpered the tears gathering in both my eyes and hanging on the edges of my eyes lashes as I stared into the gray and cold cardboard bowl my bony fingers turning white as I gripped on hard to the edges.

“Now dig deeper and give me the real reason.” Esmee whispered placing her hand on top of mine on the side of the bowl wrapping her fingers tightly around them.

“Deep inside you somewhere though it is often concealed away you know that you are not fat, you know we wouldn’t be feeding you through drips and tubes if you where.” Esmee said gently pressing the side of her body close to mine. “Deep in you there is a real reason why you want to make your body vomit, tell me; tell it like it is my baby, it’s your time now; set your self free.”

new size (Mi's side)

New size

“Yeah, lots of new Jammies!” Jasper exclaimed as he practically bounced back in through the door his ensemble of Scooby doo scrubs now complete with a green plastic apron over the top of them.

“I must say they are rather more fetching then the hospital gowns,” Jasper said nodding his approval at the same time giving on of the campest hand gestures I had ever seen a man use.

“I consider my self an expert on PJ’s and I think, in my expert opinion that is the cookie monster ones would look exquisite on you.”

“Why did you by me new PJ’s Esmee there was no need.”

“I know, but I wanted to some of your older ones are getting a little shabby.”

“And a little small, I grumbled.” That was a fact that I didn’t like much. OK the cloths I wore where normally for children quite a bit younger then what I was but I liked that, well Sophie liked that, when I was fitting my self into cloths for a 12 year old she seemed sedated like she was when I had to make another hole in my belt because the normal ones wouldn’t hold my jeans up any more however lately it had been the other way around. My child size cloths where becoming almost uncomfortably tight around the waist and the tops clinging to the new bulges in my stomach. TThese new pyjamas however looked quite a lot bigger then my old ones which was only confirmed by the label sticking out the top of the Hello kitty pare that had an adult size 8 printed on the label; I suddenly felt sick again.

“Are you all right my sweetie?” Jasper asked looking at my face as I constrained on getting the new found nausea to leave me again. “You seem to be looking a little green again? He pointed out waking to my bed and placing one of the new bowls into my lap.

This was almost to tempting for me to resist. It was almost like he was asking me to be sick again, like all I had to do was will all the nausea to come up my throat and after all everything counted on my quest to be perfect.

two tough cookies (Emmets side)

Two tough cookies

“You do realise it is rather more traditional for a farther to feed the baby then the baby to feed the farther.” Esmee said laughing as she entered into the kitchen dressed in a towel with her hair still wet from her shower.

“She’s more covering then feeding.” I pointed out as Mia took another spoon full of her cereal and thrusted it in the general direction of my face landing in right in my left eye and allowing the soggy weat-a-bix to drip down the side of my face.

“You are a monkey little Mia.” I said making a face at Mia as I tried to whip away the cereal from my face with a tee cloth and take advantage of her Mia’s open mouth as I grabbed her spoon and shoved a spoon full into her mouth.

“Your going to have to give her and your self a bath after breakfast, look after the mess you got both of your self’s in.” Esmee laughed going over the kettle and flicking the switch before preparing two mugs of coffee and a sippy cup of milk for Mia.

“Yep, I know.” I laughed grabbing Mia’s arm and leading it back to her own mouth as she tried to direct another spoon full of food in my general direction.

“So are you going into work today then?” I asked Esmee as I stared down at the un-organised and very much incomplete nurses plan that I had in front of me that was meant to direct all the nurses on the late shift that afternoon.

“Of course, you know you need me there.”

“No disagreement on my behalf with that statement.” I moaned scribbling a line through Jacobs name next to an hour of green observation with more force then was needed and plonking him in CCTV instead and scribbling Esmee’s name in his place; she would get the job done.

“I will do Dinner with her if you want.” Esmee said placing a mug of coffee down next to me on the table and Mia’s sippy cup on her high chair before taking advantage and shovelling two more spoon full’s of food into Mia’s mouth.

“Josh is with Bella.” I said pointing down ant the weat-a-bix smudged nurse’s rota.

“Yes but you have no one on Mi’s, I will do her.”

“She will be one tough cookie to manage. “ I answered holding my pen to the paper and deliberating not really willing to write down Esmee’s name. I new she would be great with her and Mi would be in safe hands with Esmee but the drama of last night was still very fresh In my memory and so was Esmee’s new founded venerability in my eyes. I didn’t want her doing anything that could be upsetting for her and there was a good chance that Mi would be difficult or at least inconsolable when it came to facing food.

“That’s OK Em, I’m another tough cookie.”

rude awaknings (Emmets side)

Rude awakenings

The next morning I was woken up by the same alarm clock but not in the same kind of way, for now my alarm clock was actually sharing my bed and slapping me around the face while screeching; needless to say I was startled.

“What the! Wahhh!” I shouted admittedly sounding like a girl as I opened my still tired eyes to see a pair of bright green ones staring back at my face intently and smiling revealing two front teeth.

“Mummy!” Mia shouted leaping off of me and onto Esmee now content that I was fully awake and giving her the attention she wanted,

“What, where, Wowah!” Esmee shouted from her side on the bed with thrashing limbs before less then elegantly falling out of the bed and onto the floor pulling the duvet cover with her on top of her just as I reached out and grabbed Mia to stop joining Esmee’s pile on the floor.

“I’m awake.” Esmee laughed muffled from under the pile of duvet the sat on top of her on the floor.

“What you doing down there?” I asked laughing my self as I detached Esmee from the duvet and pulled her back up onto the bed.

“Well I can tell you what I’m not doing, I’m not sleeping,” Esmee moaned, “what time is it?”
“ 6 am,”
“and what time have we got to be in work for?”
“2pm,”
“That it I’m buying another alarm clock!”

new clothes (Mi's side)

New clothes

“Good girl, your doing really well just keep taking deep breaths with the oxygen.” Esmee soothed taking the mask from my shaking Hands and pulling the green elastic over the back of my head while gently pushing me Back to relax against the bed which I did uneasily.

“I have new sheets!” Jasper shouted just as lively as before as he practically jumped back in over the fresh hold of the room.

“I also see you are supporting a new face accessory and a low O2 SAT.” He commented still unperturbed dropping the sheets onto Esmee’s empty chair and going over to the equipment behind my head to fiddle with the complicated machinery.

“I’m a nurse, sorry but I noticed the drop in SAT’S and reacted; she was struggling to breath. Sorry I guess it is just a reflex after all of these years.” Esmee said shyly her hand still griped into mine.

“Well that’s cool, I better way make sure I do my job well or you will be going around correcting my mistakes for me, are you specialized?”

“Yeah, paediatrics, I work in the community.”

“Sounds interesting. I love ICU nursing though I could never give it up. Though saying that I could do with seeing a little less of Mi though, some one so young and beautiful shouldn’t be spending so much time in my care.” Jasper commented before flashing me a wink and smiling. In his same ridiculously camp way as he normally did.

“How are you feeling Mi, can you breath a better now? Your O2 Is looking a lot better and your heart rate has come down a lot, just trying to keep us on are toes hay?” Jasper smiled taking the mask back off of my face, putting the two prongs back into my nose before looping the tubing back over my ears.

“I’m better thanks.”

“And there was me thinking that it was going to be quiet night, I was just getting ready for a nap under the nurses desk.” Jasper laughed going around to the front of the bed and grabbing the bowls of sick before once again skipping - if not a little bit more carefully- out of the wards door.

“He is the only person in the world that can get that excited over a night in the ICU and various bowls of vomit.” I said still staring In disbelief at the door.

“He does have a certain flare to him doesn’t he,” Esmee agreed removing her self from my bed and going over to the reclining chair and pulling out a plastic bag that was stuffed down the side of it.

“I went shopping and got you some bits and pieces for your hospital stay; I would imagine that you might be in here for a little while during your recovery and I didn’t think you would want to be wearing a hospital gown for the entire time in here so you have a choice of tinker bell, hello kitty, cute fluffy things, or cookie monster.” Esmee said holding up two sets of pyjamas with a big smile on her face.

Something to live for

I wanted to let go and give up the fight
Tell my heart it can stop beating
You gave me a reason to believe in myself
Just when I'd given up dreaming

Ronan Keating

just when i'd given up dreaming

“I didn’t think it was that bad Mi, a shook but not bad, did I treat you badly or something Mi? Was there something that I did wrong?”

“Idiot!” I yelled still trembling barley controlling the vomiting from in my scrunched up circle on the bed. Did she really have no idea why I thought this was such a problem, if she did she would know the problem wasn’t her or something she did to me but purely about me; everything I loved with any depth at all was now dead. I didn’t want to be Esmee’s murderer too; I couldn’t be responsible for the death of another angel.

“This isn’t about you, it is about me and what I am and what I do; I have only ever love one other as much as I do you and she is dead and she was also my sister, I do not want to be responsible for your death!” I panted painfully my ribs resisting every painful breath that I took while a monitor beeped out it’s annoyance somewhere above my head to the right of me.

“ Mi, Mi honey you have to calm down now, really, really important that you try and calm your self down.” Esmee responded as I clutched painfully at my sore chest the pain throbbing more and more.

“Your heart rate is too high and your oxygen is to low.” Esmee said pulling my head out from my ball and taking the two prongs of oxygen tubes out of my nose before trying to snap a full mask over my face which I refused; I saw this as another chance; another chance at dying; my chest felt like I was dying and my head felt like it was going under, the monitors also agreed I was in distress.

“I want to die; this is a second chance.”

“No! No! You fucking well try!” Esmee yelled tears spilling out of her sparkling ebony eyes “You know what it’s like to lose a sister that you adore; so would you really leave me with out mine?”

Weather it was insanity or for the first time common sense breaking through I wasn’t sure but I reacted anyway in a way I never thought I would again and I reached out and grabbed the oxygen mask off of Esmee and pressed it hard up against my face with shaking hands and tried to breath deeply and calmly which made the machines settle and the pain in my chest slip away, I guess though I could barley believe it I found something to live for.

more bowls and clean sheets (Mi's side)

More bowls and clean sheets
“Yes and I am napoleon! But that makes no difference to my argument!” I laughed

“Mi I am being serious. I found out a little while ago when you where still unconscious. I really am your sister. Well at least I am 99 present sure that I am.” I was about to laugh out loud again at the total lunacy of the comment but Esmee was wearing her serious face which made my smile stop too; the colour draining from my face; the nausea rolling in my stomach.

“You’re not my sister Esmee,” I whispered.

“I was adopted when I was a little baby and given a different first and last name. My adoption file confirms that my mother and your mother have the same name, the same date of birth and the same place of birth. The names of my mother’s parents are also the same as your mother’s parent’s names as well, not to mention that they both have the same physical appearance.”

I tried to find the glint of hummer on Esmee’s face that I was so desperate to find, but no matter how hard I looked there was nothing there that suggested she was having some kind of sick joke with me.

Retching as the nausea increased in my stomach I grabbed a cardboard bowl off of the locker next to the bed and brought up a mixture of green and black bile into the dish unable to comprehend what she was trying to say to me. I only ever had one sister, that was all I ever wanted and now she was gone as well. Arabella was my life; my entire life and I had killed her and she despaired into nothing and I didn’t want Esmee to fade too. She was to amazing to be related to me or my monster of a mother.

“You’re not my sister, you can’t be my sister.” I moaned between retching, rocking and bringing up more black bile into the dish that I barley could hold onto any more as my hands where shaking so much. “You’re not my sister; you’re just not my sister.” I moaned vomiting more thick black bile down over the hospital gown I was wearing and on to the sheets, which unexpectedly caused me to burst back into tears which in turn caused me to bring more bile up over my self.

“All right honey, it’s OK I’m sorry.” Esmee soothed grabbing the last cardboard dish off of the bed side table and holding it up close under my chin just before I vomited again and with the other had she pressed the nurse on call button that was on my pillow.

“I’m sorry, I messed up the bed and the gown” I wept while trying to catch my breath through my painful ribs.

“don’t you worry about that my love it’s OK I will have your sheets changed in no time and your gown, you don’t have to worry about that, that isn’t a problem at all honey.” Esmee soothed gently while rubbing my back in big circles just before the door opened and Jasper summers my ICU nurse came bounding in the door turning on the main strip light.

“More bowls!” Jasper yelled with Jazz hands before jumping around a full 360 and skipping back into the hall way like a four year old child would during a PE lesson.

“Well he’s lively tonight isn’t he?” Esmee commented while still rubbing big circular movements onto my back before in a flash Jasper returned into my room carrying a mountain of bowls while still skipping and supporting a face like he was high on sherbeart.

“New sheets as well!” Jasper announced again like it was one of the most exciting things he ever come across before he dropped the bowls in Esmee’s lap then turned and skipped back out the door again still smiling.

“Esmee you can’t be my sister.” I mumbled again the ideas still flashing through my head, “You can’t be my sister, you just can’t be my bloody sister.” I moaned before vomiting more bile into a new dish that Esmee held up under my chin.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have mentioned it yet, I wasn’t meant to say anything it just kind of slipped out and I am sorry just try and calm your self down, just calm down.”

“Fucking hell Esmee!” I shouted throwing my arms up in the air almost pulling out the drips before I scooted away from her on the bed and wrapped my self up into a ball before rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet trying to get the news out of my head. How could something like that just slip out? How could she think I could just calm down?

blood that ties (Mi's side)

Blood that ties

When I opened my eyes again the room was in darkness apart from a little bedside light beside the bed. I felt out for Esmee but the bed was empty apart from my self which caused the nausea that came with my panic grip at my stomach. I know I was being ultra needy where as before I had never needed any one but for some reason I couldn’t get my head to react in the normal way; it needed someone or something ti keep the darkness at bay.

“Esmee.” I moaned trying to force my eyes to focus in the new gloom of the room, “Esmee, you…”

“I’m here honey, I’m still here.” Esmee said softly rising form a new soft reclining chair in the corner coming of the room. Her eyes looked foggy like she had just woken up too, it seemed wiered that she had been here so long, let alone that she was sleeping on shift.

“There’s no need to be scared, I’m right here.” Esmee whispered gently removing her self from the char and perching on the side of my bed wrapping her fingers through mine.

“What time is it? You must be on the longest shift ever to still be here.” I observed smiling through the pain that breathing still caused me; I wondered exactly how many of my ribs had been broken In the aftermath of me being pulled out of the bath tub.

“I’m not working at the moment honey, I have quite a bit of time off right now, In fact I’m not sure I am going to go back at all. I think I have done to much nursing; I think maybe everyone else was right, I maybe care to much.”

My insides went cold at the thought of what Esmee was saying, apple gate house wit out her would be intolerable, it just wouldn’t work; like buying a car with out an engine, like the human body trying to function with out the heart.

“your kidding right, you can’t stop being a nurse.”

“Yes I can, I didn’t sign a contract in blood or anything.” Esmee said sadly smiling through the blanket of sadness that seemed to cover her since I had woken up; how had I done this to her?

“I don’t care what you signed your contract in, you can’t quit your job!”

“why? Mi I work in apple gat house because I am trying to help people. Not to watch teenagers die in my arms., not to brake all there ribs while trying to keep them alive, I’m not strong enough to do that, I’m not strong enough to lose you.”

“Esmee I am nothing to you, just a fucked up kid in this big fucked up world, you can’t let me change you like that!” I yelled ignoring the pian that tried to burst out through my chest.

“You are so much more then that, you have no idea.” Esmee moaned putting her head in her hands and sighing hard

“No I am not! I am nothing!”

“Stop saying that, you’re my bloody sister!”

sleep find me (Mi's side)

Sleep find me

“Close your eyes

Get some sleep,

It’s to late now

To change anything,

But it’s all right,

Get some sleep,

It’s so dark outside

So close your eyes

And feel the wind turn round,

If your not lost I guess that makes you found.”

Newton Faulkner

Lullaby

Esmee stayed lying next to me for a long time gently stroking through my hair as I kept my body up close with hers. Nurses came in and out checking on my drips and things some passing comment about Esmee not really being aloud on the bed and others ignoring her completely, however what ever was said she did not move from my side and eventually the nurses that had a problem with it gave up and stopped moaning.

“Why don’t you try and get some sleep Mi? It has been a long day and you must be tired out.”

“If I close my eyes I am scared you will be gone, that when I wake up again I will be alone, I rather stay awake then risk that.”

“You can sleep; I will still be here when you wake up.” Esmee confirmed sincerely stroking her fingers through my hair. “I won’t leave you.”

“I am sorry that I upset you Esmee, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Hush now little kitten, it’s time to close those tired eyes and dream so happy dreams.” Esmee soothed musically bending over and kissing me gently on the fore head before she started singing and I new resistance was futile so I closed my eyes snuggled up into my ball and aloud my self to drift off safe in the knowledge that for once in this world I was not alone.

I will look after you (Mi's side)

I will look after you

Esmee sighed heavily and walked away from the door hanging her head low before taking her seat back next to my bed, I tried to get just one glimpse of her eyes but she refused to look at me and chose to keep her eyes close to the floor with her face hidden behind her hair; where had the Esmee gone that I loved?

With a sigh smaller to Esmee’s Emmet got off of the side of my bed and took his seat next to hers gently wrapping his fingers through her hands, I noticed that her grip tightened slightly on his, the diamond on her engagement rig sparkling.

My whole body hurt, I had kept her here but she was hardly there any way so the loss still felt as bad as what it would have if she walked away from me; it was like living with her ghost.

Defeated I gave up and pulled the blankets up over my head and wept turning my back on Emmet and Esmee. I had really done it this time when trying to lose my self I had lost every one else and managed to keep my self alive, but what was I with out them?

“Hospital beds have got a lot more comfortable then what they where when I spent my time in them.” Esmee said gently as I felt a weight on the bed next to me and turned around to look pulling the blankets down off of my head to see her lying down net to me kicking her boots off onto the floor.

“And I look ridicules in tights so I am glad you’re not a fan of superman.”

I tried to smile at her joke but I still hurt to much, I wanted nothing more to reach out and hold onto her with all I had left in me but once again it felt like there was a giant ten foot invisible wall in between the person I wanted to be close with and my self.

“Esmee, Esmee can I just pleas give you a cuddle, just once more and then I will never ask again I promise.” I chocked out trying to keep the tears back just enough to keep my voice eligible

“Oh my baby come here.” Esmee soothed turning her body towards me and opening her arms pulling me up close to her.

“Please don’t leave me.” I whispered pressing my self up as close to her as I could manage the tears pouring down over my cheeks. “Please, please don’t go away, I can’t lose you as well” I pleaded squeezing her hands in mine

“Shhh, it’s OK, I’m not going anywhere, I will never leave you, I will never, ever leave you sweet heart, I am going to look after you now, and I am never going to let any one hurt you again, I will protect you.”