Naked (Mis side)

Naked

So walk away, walk away

Save your self from the heart ach

Go now before it’s too late

So walk away, walk away

Save your self from the heart ach.

Go now before it’s too late

But still she stays

The script walk away

Leave, for god sake walk out of this room and don’t come back! Burn the adoption file move house, move jobs, don’t ever come near me again because I hate you OK! I hate that you won’t listen and no matter how loud I shout you won’t believe me! I hate You Esmee, I just hate you!” I shouted my tears beating hers to the finish line as I span my legs around so they where sat on the edge of the bed and permitted them to fall down in rivers over my cheeks as I stared into the featured of her face that was now one of utter panic; my explosion was obviously not what she was expecting.

“Mi’ I’m sorry I upset you, what did I say honey, tell me so I know how to put it right?” Esmee asked franticly not knowing weather to come over to me or stand back from me so in the end just landed up rocking back and forth on the spot and stroking thin air with her hands as if trying desperately trying to comfort it;. I wanted to sofen to her and stop her panic but this was the last round I would ever fight against her and I had to win because in reality I far from hated her I loved her but if she new that se wouldn’t leave and she was about to start fighting a battle she could not win, she was trying to stop the all ready broken from becoming broken and not even super hero Esmee had a TRDIS up her sleeve. If she stayed with me I would destroy her; I had to get her to leave

“Go! Leave me! Leave me now!” I practically screamed at the shell shocked Esmee who now danced and squirmed in the corner of the room in an uncomfortable manner looking like she needed to use the toilet.

“Ok, Ok I will go just calm down and please so I don’t lose my head tell me what I did wrong.”

“You love me! I can see it in your eyes and I don’t know what to do because I never seen a love like it and know I am going to hurt you! I shouted in-between sobbing. The worse was I wasn’t really sure what I was finding so completely distressing and upsetting but right then even though it was at a stupid time and had no real reason I had to scream and I wanted to cry and everything hurt my body and mind to much to stop it. These tears had to be cried and my screams had to be heard.

“You are fighting for me and I am a battle I you can’t win because I all ready lost everyone Esmee! You lose this fight and then I will lose you because you seem like the kind of girl that will fight to the death for what you believes in and for some reason you believe in me.”

“It’s all right honey, it’s OK”

“It damn well isn’t OK!” I yelled before in haste ripping the hospital gown that was on me right off leaving me naked with just the drips and tubes coming out every vain and opening in my body, some pumping stuff in and others pumping it out the newest one and oddly the most predomination one was in my stomach and something tight felt like it constricted around my heart; I had a PEG tube but strangely even that didn’t matter all that much then, it was just another sticking plaster to hold together a ripped up person.

“Look at me uncovered, look at everything I have become.” I sobbed as I sat on the bed completely naked not even trying to protect my modesty, what was the point anyway he had took it all away from me a long time ago, he had torn out every real feeling inside of me and left me completely empty, he had hurt me and something inside me finally realized it wasn’t my fault.

“Do I look fucked up enough on the outside yet to show how fucked up it is inside? Do I have enough scars on my skin to show how inside I am completely shredded and bleeding out? Don’t I look so scary and broken yet to you Esmee that you can tell I wont be mended or can’t be saved. Am I not fucked up enough so you won’t even start to fight? Well this is me Esmee all that I am, Naked, scared and broken and even though I have tried I can’t be better for you; hell I wanted to be better for you! So am I really worth the fight? Esmee before it is too late for god sake save your self and walk away because if you don’t leave now I will never let you go!”

Esmee said nothing as I stopped ranting and sobbed into my hands curling up in a naked ball onto the bed again my body shivering from the pain and effort of crying so hard.

Esmee very slowly moved from the corner of the room and approached my bed and covered my body in the clean hospital sheet before turning and sitting on the floor next to my bed and letting her tears fall too; sometimes tears said all there was to say.