All because of you (Mi's side)

Possably a mild trigger warning belongs here but i'm not sure either way if you are feeling praticully vunrable stay safe and don't read
All because of you“Mi, come on up you get no time to have a nap.” Esmee said gently lifting my upper body slightly up off of the bed so the world span back into focus as quick as it span out. “I can’t believe that you fainted.” Esmee laughed gently even though I could see the tears glisten once again glisten over her deep velvet black eyes; how I hated those tears.

“I’m sorry I thought you said you where going to foster me,” I laughed realising how I must of misheard the words that made me faint after all there was no way it could ever happen, Esmee and Emmet wouldn’t foster someone like me it was so stupid, they would foster the deserving children, the ones who where whole and loving and had done nothing wrong; in short they would foster anyone apart from me.

“”I did,” Esmee whispered gently two tears slipping out of her eyes which she wiped away with the side of her hands, “we’re going to take you home.”

“Don’t be stupid Esmee you can’t foster me I mean why the hell would you want to,” I spluttered trying to drag my body to an upright position but failing as the still lingering sedative drew my body back to the bed. “I mean I ruin everything and everyone that I touch and you want to bring me into your home with your daughter why would you do that to her; to your self’s? There again you are crying, oh hell they didn’t force you to have me did they? If so it‘s ok I can kick up a fuss, tell them I don‘t want to go with you.” I panted a little out of breath from trying to get put what I wanted to safe as fast as I could so the words didn’t tangle in my head, So I didn’t allow the tiny bubble of joy inside me explode from the news because no matter how I wanted what she said to be true, no matter how much I wanted to be there with them; in new it was impossible.

“You will do no such thing, they never force us to take on children Mi, they ask us they have even been known to beg us but we can always say no and we have before, though sometime we wished we never did. I am crying because I’m happy it’s what we wanted to have you with us, when your ready of course, which obviously isn’t yet and it won’t be until stop trying to kill your self. You need to be ready to live with a family, in a house with no alarms of ECA’S or observations because even though Emmet and myself work in a hospital our house isn’t one and we wouldn’t want it to be, we want it to be your home; a safe home for you.”

“I can’t stop though.” I blurted out trying to force the bubble of hope not to explode inside of me because it seemed that for some strange reason Esmee and Emmet actually wanted me there but I new hope was dangerous and happiness foolish because both cut better then any knife when they where ripped to pieces.

“It’s not something I can just stop doing Esmee.” I said lowering my voice to a normal speaking tone, “even if you really did want me to come and live with you, self harm for a long time has controlled me.” I admitted even though I didn’t want to. Self harm had always been about control for me, about something that was of all my own doing and it had worked for a while, I controlled the weapon, the place, the time, the severity and everything else in between but it hadn’t lasted, and before long I could feel it taking me over, removing a little bit more of the grasp I had over it day by day until one day I figured it out that I had actually just become a slave to another monster.

“I didn’t say you had to stop self harming Mi, that will come but that will take a long time what I said is you need to stop trying to kill your self and that is something very different.” Esmee said softly her eyes clouding over somewhat as she remembered some distant memory that I wasn’t aware of, all I new was what ever it was hurt her somewhere deep down in the core of her.

“What is it?” I asked gently touching her arm to try and pull her out of the nightmare she had fallen backwards into; whatever it was or when ever she was it was somewhere I would have crossed a million suns to stop her feeling it again.

“Would you like me to talk as your nurse or your sister?” Esmee asked as her eyes focused and became there normal dark onyx self’s again.

“Your sister; I like you as my sister.” I confirmed snuggling my body down close next to Esmee’s again, my arm wrapped over her tummy.

“Then my answer is it’s because of you, the same nightmare, the same recurring flash back has kept knocking me off of my feet lately and it’s all because of you.”

New mum (Mi's side)

New mum

“I’m both Mi, I work there and you are a patient there that makes me a nurse.”

“That makes you better then me.”

“I didn’t say that, and I have never thought that either Mi” Esmee said sounding hurt at my last comment. I hadn’t meant it to be a jibe at her I simply thought it was plane conmen knowledge that she was better then me in every way possible.

“I didn’t say it to upset you Esmee, or to hurt you I just know you are and you are a grown woman and grown married amazing women don’t spend all that much time with there sisters especially ones they didn’t know they had for over twenty years of there life’s. I guess what I am saying is no matter what blood says if you don’t want to you doing have to be my sister.” I said gently the tears crashing down over my eyes again as I anticipated Esmee running for the door after I had granted her freedom, I mean why would she stay now she had no obligation to.

“I’m not going to be anywhere and I am not going to be one of those distant sisters I just can’t be. I love you and I know you won’t believe me because you don’t love your self but I do and I al going to be sticking around.” Esmee smiled leaning into me and kissing me on the top of the head before adding “weather you like it or not,” in a giggle.

“What about after I am discharged, they won’t keep me there forever.”

“Ahhh yeah about that I have some news, I think you might like it as well. I spent the majority of last week doing paper work.”

“Well congratulations, you finally caught up with it then.”

“Don’t be cheeky madam and no I very much doubt I will ever be able to catch up with the mound I have to do however I actually liked these forms, they made something official that Emmet and ,y self have been working towards for ages.” Esmee said a wide smile spreading over her face as she propped her self up on one arm so she could look at me clearer.

“What do you know Esmee? You’re making me uneasy.” I said suspiciously as her smile grew lager across her face until she practically laughed.

“You my dear are looking at your new foster mother.”

My weakest point (Emmet's side)

My weakest point
Red rage filled every pore of my body and every tiny space in the room as my hands shook vigorously form inside my pockets and the bile bubbled just at the back of my throat also before I could even stop to comprehend what I was doing an almost feral growl rumbled in the back of my mouth before escaping through my mouth. Crystal could have said what she wanted about me but she brought in something more precious to me then anything else in the universe and insulted it to my face and never in my entire life had I wanted to punch someone as much as I wanted to knock her face half way into next year.

“Never. Insult. My wife.” I growled while biting down on my bottom lip until blood filled up inside my mouth which I swallowed down with a grimace

“Did I touch a nerve?” Crystal smiled, “Shame.”

“Your shift is over Crystal. You may leave.” I growled again my whole body trembling.

“Oh I’m leaving; I can’t stand to look at either of your faces for more then a few seconds without wanting to vomit.” Crystal sneered before walking past me at which point I grabbed both her wrist and effortlessly twirled her around so she was sandwiched between the wall and my self and for the first time the sneer on her face turned to one of horror as she looked up into my eyes.

“Let me go, this will cost you your job!” Crystal spat

“ I haven’t actually hurt you and I never would I just thought you should know what it felt like to be bullied and scares Crystal, I mean you no harm.“ I said gently letting go of her hands and stepping back two spaces so she could get past me.

“You wait until I tell my husband!” \Crystal snarled at me as she brushed her self off and continued walking to the door.

“You think I am scared of Jacob!” I laughed “he is just a little bully too.”

“Then maybe we should pick on your weakest point; Esmee” Crystal laughed her lips in her trade mark crule before she flicked her hair back over her shoulder and walked away laughing while I sunk into the nearest arm chair; the colour draining from my face.

Insulting an angel (Emmets side)

Insulting an angel

“You did the right thing Emmet.” Crystal said to me as I kicked the back of a chair in my anger at what I had just aloud to happen before I raised my head up to glare at her,

“What?” She questioned innocently as my furious eyes set onto hers and her cruel smile, “You think this is my fault Emmet? Hell I thought she was going to attack me you didn’t see the look in her eyes down there, all I asked her to do was drink the damn Ensure and she went all possessed on me.” Crystal snapped as she pulled her fingers through her tangled blond hair moaning about something I couldn’t quite make out under her breath.

“Hell any one would think I was trying to make her drink poison.”

“In her mind Crystal it felt like you where!” I snapped pushing my hands deep into my jeans pockets so I wouldn’t hit the wall that I stood next to, “she has an eating disorder Crystal, her head is so messed up right now she doesn’t know what is right for her! Hell you would never guess it with her being in an acute inpatients unit or anything but she is acutely unwell!” I hissed though clenched teeth.

“I should of none you would have that view on things and be totally unreasonable!” Crystal snapped her eyes throwing fire out of them, “I would never imagined you being so soft with the size of you but hay I doubt it is your fault really with a wife like Esmee on at you all the time I mean she is more then a freak then you are when it comes to caring for all the hapless cases in this place!”

ECA removals (Emmet's side)

ECA removals

With tears in my eyes that I pushed down I crouched down into position and watched as Crystal forcibly moved Mi around to face her and started the count down for are lift.

At three crystal moved Mi into the right position and I lifted her restrained legs into the air so she was face down in a horizontal position. The scream that blasted form her mouth was worse then I had been expecting; after a while you got immune to certain screaming when you worked in the unit but the noise was something I head never heard before; but it was horrendous. To Mi she was screaming very loudly, louder then she had screamed in a log time but it was the soft muted quality about it that made it so haunting, it was like she new no one was going to help her but she couldn’t stop the fear she felt from exploding out of it’s confines

“Mi; it’s OK, it’s going to be OK we are all here and no one is going to hurt you and it will be over soon, just hold on a bit longer and it will be OK.” I babbled desperate for the ghost scream to stop ringing in my ears as we made are way down the hall way past the faces of the other clients who new that this was something that was on the cards for any of them if it was needed or apparently even if it wasn’t needed if Crystal had anything to do with it.

“Emmet what the hell!” I heard Bella shout as we past her at the bottom of the stairs her eyes wide with disbelief at what she was seeing, of course I was almost as astonished by what we where doing as she was so I could give her no answer so settled for putting on my official voice and telling her I would talk to her later.

After picking up Alice and, Erin and Josh at various points through the awkward journey we finally managed to make it to the ECA where Alice swiped her card Key and pushed open the heavy doors to the room where she recoiled slightly at the heat and stale smell that hit her in the face before pushing on inside and helping us lay Mi’s screaming body down to the floor on her front.

“Here we go Mi, it’s all over now.” I tried to sooth before Crystal cut me of with a snap and began the countdown for the drop and run which I would have no choice to be apart of even though I wanted nothing more then to stay in the padded prison with her and provide the reassurance she so desperately needed from someone however as always protocol smashed me in the face and as shouted three I bounded up from my position and bounded out the ECA door with the rest of them letting the door close with a click to imprison nothing more then a frightened little baby

Part of the family (Mi's side)

Part of the family

Acting on instinct rather then my last ounce of common sense that hadn’t been drugged out of me by the powerful sedatives that they kept putting into my skin I leapt forward from the bed and wrapped my arms around Esmee almost pulling her on top of me in the process.

“You left me!” I sobbed, the screaming becoming wet as the tears crashed out of my eyes in a mixture of anger and relief. “You left me!”

“I know, I know I’m sorry, but I’m here now, I’m here.” Esmee soothed gently in a hushed tone as she lowered my body back down to the bed before lying hers down beside mine but I still refused to let go of my grip on her knowing that if this was the last time I got to hold her or got to see her I wanted to remember every little bit of how she felt, I wanted to remember the settling comfort it cast upon me because if I could just hold onto that forever with the help of powerful sedatives I could barley survive the rest of my life.

“I was always coming back Mi,” Esmee said gently leaning forward and kissing me on the top of the head allowing her beautiful velvet strawberry scented hair cascade around my face making another memory that I tried to cling to in my head, “I just needed time, I was struggling and you saw that Mi, I needed help and I was ashamed.”

“What did you think I was going to do Esmee judge you, shout at you? I could really do that and not be a hypercrit couldn’t I.” I said duly glancing down at my own bandaged wrists under which my own stitches lay in neat rolls pulling together the arteries and skin which I had cut apart allowing my own blood to flow.

“Mi I knew you wouldn’t judge me but I was judging my self for allowing you to see that, I am the nurse Mi we are trained to be indestructible and calm under pressure not mentally ill our self’s in short I am meant to protect you.”

“all that has changed though Esmee.” I moaned trying to wind my self closer to her while nestling my face in under her neck so I could keep breathing in her scent, “your not my nurse any more; your family.”

my sister returning (Mi's side)

My sister returning

Mi

The same swirling started again pressing behind my eyes as the easy hours of sleep slipped away again forcing my head back into the curliness of reality but I new how to make the pain go away and with out even thinking about it too much I opened my mouth and began to scream hoping that the nurse wouldn’t take to long with her needle where liquid piece laid.

“Mi, mi stop screaming honey, stop screaming.” An echoed voice that seemed slightly familiar soothed somewhere in the background of my head but it made no difference to me what nurse was trying to talk me down from my noisy protest, there was only two voices; two faces that would make the screaming become redundant, would make all the horror and the pain go away so I could cope with the waking world and they where never there any more and I new they where never going to come back. I didn’t know how much time had passed since my screaming cycle of existence began it could have been hours or it could have been weeks, months, years but still that pain and fear remained the same along with the need for the screaming.

“Mi open your eyes and look at me, I am here, I am here.” the same voice said again before a hand locked it’s self around mine tightly and fingers started smoothing through my hair like a strange memory of what I used to know; a strange brief moment in my life where I had felt love and compassion from someone; a strange fleeting time when I had gained a sister again.

“It’s Esmee Mi, it’s Esmee I am here talk to me baby, stop screaming and talk to me.”

I heard what they lady said but I was reluctant to stop the screaming just in case it wasn’t the Esmee I screamed for, just in case the ghostly memory of her touch was exactly that; a memory and she wasn’t there at all. I knew I couldn’t cope with opening my eyes to find an empty space so I carried on screaming waiting of the nurse to tell me she was injecting the sedative and for the reality to fade into dreams again.

“Mi please stop screaming honey, I’m right here and going to keep you safe, no ones going to hurt you I promise.” the voice said again before I felt the arms around me; the undeniable arms of my sister returning to me and I opened my eyes just the slightest little bit to see if I could see Esmee around the edges of my swirling vision while breathing in to try and catch the scent of her strawberry hair. Both of which where there.

(Esmee) i should of come back sooner (Mi's side)

I should of come back sooner.

　

Esmee

“Hi Jasper.” I said nervously as I approached the main nurses desk in the ICU which had Jasper sat behind it hammering at the Keys in exasperation as the ancient PC refused to do what he was asking it to,

“Bloody useless heap of junk!” Jasper grumbled before turning his attention to me.

“Its Esmee bear, I have come to see Mi.” I smiled trying to show some sympathy for his computer predicament.

“Esmee you have no idea how glad I am to see you.” Jasper said sincerely “Mi isn’t doing do well.”

“Wh…what…I mean I thought she was…” I babbled as the cloud of panic came down around me, his words could have meant anything from the fact that she had a miner set back to she was dying and I wasn’t prepared for either. I hadn’t known what I was expecting after a week of not seeing her, maybe the cold shoulder and some lost trust but I had big plans on how to make it up to her but she had to be OK for me to do that she had to be there for me to make it better.

“No, no, it’s nothing like that.” Jasper Quickly continued coming around to my side of the desk and taking hold of my trembling hand in his, “Physically Mi is doing really well, in fact she is so good the doctors are trying to get her moved down to sky light however that isn’t possible right now because emotionally, to be blunt, she is a train wreck,”

“She is really fragile, I agreed sighing wonder how much of the train wreck he was talking about was due to the fact that I had ran out on her and not talked to her for a week. “Could I see her though?

“You can sit with her of course, but she has been sedated.”

“Sedated, what happened?”


“ I wasn’t lying when I said train wreck Esmee, she really is doing badly she has been heavily sedated for the week because whenever she wakes up she just screams we have all tried various ways of trying to talk her down but it doesn’t work, I think she misses you Esmee, maybe you could try, can you sit with her for a bit she will be waking up soon.”

“Of course I can.” I moaned wondering why I had taken so long to come back and see Mi again. I know Emmet had wanted me to take some time out, to let the tablets settle into my system and relax but I could of waited less time then week like a few days; or a few hours.

“She is in the same room, you can go on down, call us if you need anything.”

“Will do” I said smiling sadly at Jasper before making my way down the corridor down to Mi’s room trying not to glance into the other rooms of patients that where more tubes then skin and their visitors who sad holding there hands on the chairs next to them, none of them had given up hope that their relative could get better, none of them had excepted that the end could be minutes away however all of them could be misinformed.

Mi was sleeping peacefully on her back her chest rising and falling on it’s own with easily for the first time in a long time and she looked well. There where still drips handing behind her bed and going in trough her hands but that alone was not a reason to keep her in the ICU, she was ready to leave and would have done if she hadn’t been so hurt she spent all her waking moments screaming.

“oh sweet heart.” I whispered gently smoothing my hand through her before dragging the seat closer to her bed so I could sit holding her hand waiting for her to wake up, “I am so sorry, I should of come back sooner,” I sighed holding my head down low looking at the floor with tears in my eyes, “I should of come back sooner.”

I scream for them (mi's side)

MI

I scream for them

The room kept spinning madly around in front of me as I tried to grip onto anything with my unresponsive hands. I was half awake now but it felt like they had given me enough sedative to put down a rhino and not just to help me sleep as I they had promised. I had no idea how long I had been in this dizzy haze but new whenever I became to alert a nurse came in and injected the same drug into the back of my hand making everything blur then fade again until I woke up to the same swirling of colours and echoed sounds. Every time I cusped conciseness I grasped around for Esmee or Emmet but every time I became aware of the fact that they where never there any more the same scream tried to bursts its way out of my lips in a shallow protest to regain what I had lost when Esmee went running out the door, but inside I new no protest would bring them back to me but I went on screaming any way if only to get the sedative I had so desperately tried to avoid in the past, for I had come to learn that at lest when I was sleeping I could recall their faces exactly.

(Esmee) It will all be OK (Mi' side)

It will all be OK

“It’s OK, It’s Ok I soothed weekly to him as I scooted around in the car seat so I could rub his back not sure what else to do. The gesture of comforting such a big man liked this seemed almost silly and completely stupid in its appearance but other the years I had come to know Emmet better then any one else in the world including me and the first thing I found out was- though looking the opposite way round- Emmet was more cuddly teddy bear then terrifying grizzly bear and at times he needed to be looked after and treated gently.

“Emmet you can trust me right? Then I promise now I will never leave you not until you order me away. I will forever be by your side, after all what would I be with out you? You saved my life like an angel that was sent just for me you found me when I was in pieces and you put me back together again; better then I was before, you gave everything to me and I love you so much.” I soothed gently winding my body as closely as I could to him until I was practically lying across his back.

“You’re the only person in the world that can terrify me and you’re the only one that can knock me to my knees in seconds and I adore you.” Emmet said in a deep breathless voice as he sat with his head between his knees taking slow even breaths to calm his self down.

“I am sorry I put you though so much, I whispered gently nuzzling my face into his back breathing in his speachel sent that he shared with are daughter,

“It’s all going to be ok you know,” I whispered locking my arms around him as tightly as I could and squeezing my eyes shut tight, it will all be ok; I promise.”

(Esmee) His soul lies within (Mi's side)

His soul lies within

I don’t think I had planned to leave Emmet forever; maybe just a break away, a holiday somewhere where it didn’t feel so could; somewhere by the sea where people always seemed so free. Away from Emmet, away from Mi, away from myself. Of course that was where the problem lay that would be impossible and that would have been my main reason for going.

“Esmee, wait! Esmee, don’t do this, let me explain to you! Don’t do this to me again!” I heard Emmet yell as he ran after me out of the surgery doors and into the car park,

“Don’t do this to you! I bellowed loudly before spinning around on one foot to confront him, “You just threw me to the fucking dragons in there you..” I snapped loudly but stopped just before I called him all the names under the sun as the details of his face came into clearer focus, “Emmet,” I whispered gently as he ran at full speed into my arms before continuing to cry loudly and inconsolably into my shoulder. What the hell had I done to him?

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t leaving; well not forever, I just needed some space, some time, you betrayed me bad in there Emmet and it hurt, but I never meant to hurt you. Let me drive you home OK; I will try and make it better.” I whispered slowly trying to negotiate the words around the giant lump that sat proudly in my throat. We had been together almost 10 years and I had never seen him cry like he was then, he was always strong in the face of everything; always resilient to whatever blows he might of got in life but now he was so fragile and week and I had no idea what to do, how could you glue the glue that held everything together, together.”

“It’s all right,” I whispered gently in a hushed tone as I tried to move him and my self slowly towards the car that was over the other side of the car park “I’m here, I’m going to look after you, I’m going to make it better.” I promised any thoughts of breaks or holidays by the see drifting out of my mind, all that mattered now was I was there to look after him for as long as he needed me.

“Come on Emmet, it’s going to be OK.” I whispered gently as I reached his Nissan note in the doctors car park and shoved him in the passenger side, which was not as easy as it looked mostly due to the sheer size of him.

I had told Emmet that I would drive mostly due to the fact I liked my dinky Jazz compared to his more robust note but even then Emmet looked out of place in it and would have been more suited to a land rover or even an articulated lorry, but Emmet had insisted on driving me there and now I had to drive back in the monster that was Emmet’s car and not surprisingly when I slipped in the drivers side my feet where ten foot away from the peddles and I couldn’t see over the steering wheel.

“You really do have the longest legs on planet earth I groaned as I tried to shimmy the seat forward before trying to bounce on it to lower the steering weal to the measurements of a human being rather then that of a mountain giant.

“You’re just a short ass.” Emmet sniffed his mouth in a sort of twisted smile of tears and hummer as he glanced over at me just before I started swearing at the steering weal to see if it would help get it into place; the next plan was kicking it.

“I prefer vertically challenged, and I’m not that small any way you are just very, very tall.”

“We are completely opposite; almost incompatible; people laugh when they see us together we are so different and I suppose that is the problem.” Emmet said sadly not daring to look at my face but I could see his reflection in the side mirror of the car any way tears streaming down over his pink cheeks.

“Let them laugh, what difference does it make to us? I don’t need them, you are all I need and want and I bet the ones that do laugh haven’t ever felt love like I have.” I said gently placing my hand on Emmet’s leg as he caught the falling tears in his hands.

“I wasn’t trying to lock you up Esmee, surly after all this time you know mw better then that, I want you by my side always” Emmet moaned

“I know I can be a chore, I am damaged at best I can see why I get too much for you, I just wish you would tell me rather then try to send me to that place.”

I don’t want to get rid of you Esmee! I want to keep you safe” Emmet sobbed loudly any marginal control he had over the tears slipping away from him “I need you to be alive and safe with all the care and attention that you need and if that means fighting to have you sectioned and observed that that’s what I will do! Because I need you alive! My soul lives in you it flows around your veins and breaths every time you do, if you die the best part of me dies too. You told the doctor you where tempted to take your own life as easy as you would order a take away, you said like it was nothing, like it didn’t matter and I broke in two!” Emmet sobbed not able to catch his breath though the tears and the agony that seemed to have engulfed him entirely.

“If you can think it so easily Esmee you can act on it in the same way and all it would take is for me to be out or for me not to get you quick enough and you could be gone and I need you! I need you more then anyone in this world, even more then you need me and I don’t want you to go! I can’t let you go.” Emmet practically screamed his body almost heaving with the effort of it as he opened the car door and started coughing harshly out of it still unable to catch his breath before he puked onto the floor.

(Esmee) Betrayed (Mi's side)

Betrayed

Emmet’s body against mine suddenly felt like it was burning me as I listened to his betrayel, he had promised me that he would never agree to send me back to elm grove and here he was asking for my admission and it hurt.

“Es,” Emmet sighed as I span out of his grips and turned to confront him.”

“Don’t Es me” I shouted louder then I meant to as I looked him up and down not sure what he had turned into, had I become that much of a strain on him was he unwilling to take the lows with the highs or didn’t he care what I said of felt.

“I’m safe if that is the way you want to put it. I love my daughter and my sister and they both need me I’m not about to take my life and don’t tell me that either of you have never fleetingly thought to suicide I snapped, not knowing if I wasn’t to scream, cry of head under the desk.

“It’s all right Esmee beds at elm grove are scarce enough as it is and I don’t believe you need to be there but I would like you to come back and see me in a few weeks to see how you are getting on, is that OK also in the mean time there is the emergency department if the thought of killing your self become harder to bare or you consider acting on them.” Doctor Carter said scribbling his signature on the back of the prescription and handing it to me which I grabbed turned Around took one last fleeting glance at Emmet’s torn up face and left.

(Esmee) As long as she is safe (Mi's side)

As long as she is safe

The tears stopped as suddenly as they came as the question left Doctor Carter’s lips and fell upon my ears. It had been so long since I had been asked that question by a professional and I suddenly remembered how much it had always irritated me.

The question had no real context yet it was thrown around so often, even I was guilty of letting the question slip out from my lips when I was talking with other people, It was what we where trained to use in any situation; a generic impersonal open ended question that could be asked in any scenario, yet I had only every wanted someone to be blunt enough with me to turn around and ask whet they really meant. “Esmee are you going to commit suicide?”

I felt the corners of my lips turn into a smile and coughed heard to mask the bubble of inappropriate laughter that forced its way to the surface before I pulled my self out of Emmet’s protective embrace and turned my attention to Doctor Carter who was sitting at his desk

“That question gets bounced around so often it doesn’t mean anything any more. I ask the same people the same question day in and day out and they all say yes and don’t mean it or I just don’t get an answer. I said roughly rubbing my temples before turning to look at Doctor Carter with the over grown childish smile that ad now attached it’s self to my face. I wasn’t sure of the question had generally be funny to me or it was just an involuntary mask that had attached to my face protecting my soul from the venerable position I had put my self in.

“Well don’t be one of them Esmee you know what I am asking and it isn’t a joke,”

“If you’re asking weather I am going to go home and overdose or try and throw my self of a cliff then no, it isn’t like that. Don’t get me wrong I find the idea intriguing sometimes, even tempting but not a viable option.” Emmet’s had tightened into an almost uncomfortable grip around mine as I mentioned the fact the I found the idea of suicide tempting, I doubted any other confession that could pass my lips would of hurt him more.

“So you are suicidal but not ready to commit to the action of actually doing it yet; but you want to, is that what you are telling me.” Doctor Carter asked which made Emmet’s grip so tight it felt like my had might explode before he blurted something incomprehensible into the conversation.

“Sorry Emmet I didn’t catch that.”

“You have to look after her,” Emmet said stiffly even though his voice was desperate and shaky before he pulled me in closer to his side holding onto my arms like somehow I might turn to dust in front of him. “You have to keep her safe, what about;” Emmet hesitated; “what about, about there, would that help, could they look after her? You have to do anything to keep her safe” Emmet whispered tightly before capturing the single tear that ran from his right eye in defiance in his wobbling hand. “Even if she never forgives me I don’t care as long as she is safe.”

(Esmee) Esmee are you safe (Mi's side)

Esmee are you safe?

Unable to stand back and listen to me cry any longer Emmet come into the room and I got to my feet to walk the distance between him and my self; the distance to his embrace.

“It’s all right honey, it’s OK, I’m never going to let you go.” Emmet whispered as he clutched me into his chest with all the effort he could muster up. “I am going to look after you OK just like I did before, I’m going to make it better, I’m going to make the pain go away Esmee.”

“I’m scared.” I said my voice shuddering behind the tears, “Emmet, I’m scared.”

“What of, what’s scaring you so much baby?”

“I can’t stop crying. I squeaked holding my breath against the sobs that tried to brake though my week barrier of protection. “It’s so stupid.”

“They aren’t stupid, I promise you that and they will stop in there own time, it’s OK to cry you know that, you taught me that the first time I meant you on the street, you where dying because you couldn’t cry and I would much rather have this, I much rather you where crying and still here with me than far away.” Emmet said gently bowing his head down to mine and kissing the top of my head gently with his soft warm lips that felt so get when they where touching me.

“Esmee, I am going to write you a prescription for Venlafaxine Ok, looking back over you notes it seams that these where the most helpful for you, I am going to start you off on 75mg a day and see how you get on, is this OK?” I wanted to say no, I wanted to tell him that anti-dispersants where for the old Esmee and that there was no need for them any more but that argument would have been stupid considering the currant unnecessary tears that where rolling down over my face so I just nodded and excepted that tried to swallow the fact that every morning would now consist of Coffee, toast and medication.

“I have to ask you one more thing Esmee before I let you leave or I wouldn’t be doing my job, Esmee are you safe?”