My closest friend is a toilet
OK writers block has now indeed lifted! Probably updating to much now! Well hay ho you can read them when you can. enjoy
Mi
More and more vomit kept splattering up against the side of the toilet bowl as over and over again I puked. I didn’t care if what I was doing was a bad thing; I had to be sick, I had to keep on being sick and never stop so over and over not even leaving space to breath or cry or think between the sickness I jammed as many gummy vomit covered fingers back into my mouth and down my throat as far as they could go educing the rainbow of vomit to smash into the crisp pure white sides of the toilet bowel.
She had been bleeding… fingers into mouth
She had never cut her self before … vomit enters the bowl
She was very thin, she hadn’t been eating again… fingers jammed further back my throat
She came to me to help her… black and green bile exiting, stomach, ribs, back and head screaming at me.
I had tried but she collapsed… fingers in
Stopped breathing, heart stopped, cold, dead… Whimpering, throbbing heart… no vomit just gagging… fingers went down further…
“Mi, mi honey is that you in there? I heard Esmee shout through the bathroom door her voice soft yet frantic, “Mi I’m going to let my self in OK.”
I stuffed my fingers down my thought as the emergency lock on the door snapped open and watched as orange acid joined the spectrum of colours that now resided down the toilet. I knew I should have stooped, common sense demanded it of me now and it was right, I had in fact thrown up enough, there was in fact nothing to be achieved anyway but beating my own body up and it was also a fact that as soon as Esmee saw what I was doing she would wrap her arms over my shoulders and restrain me into her, however I did not stop. to me right then none of the Common sense bits mattered. I had gone above Common sense to a place where puking was divine, to a place where puking would make me hurt less, to a place where puking would make me a shiny and bright and new inside like polished aluminium. I had gone to a place where Puking would make Bella’s heart start again. So even though Esmee was now in the room with me no doubt looking at my fucked up body draped over the toilet; holding into it like I was hugging my closest friend I rammed my fingers heard down my thought once again and yelped like a wounded animal as every burning muscle clinched forcing something, anything to come up into my mouth where it could join the rest of my badness in the bottom of the toilet.
Missing someone important.
OK just na keep heads up that i have edited the last paragraph on the chapter before this so if this is if you have read that all ready please go back and re-read for this to make sence. Thnaks, Vikki
“Esmee are you all right my love, are you all right?” Emmet shouted his voice more urgent. Had he been talking to me for a while? had I been blocking him out watching as Elizabeth took over for Crystal, then George for her then Ava for him. All of them having a turn on the patient like she was some sort of sick theam park attraction. It would be my go again soon, or Emmet’s…
“Esmee; talk to me!” Emmet urged standing in front of me and obscuring my vishion of Bella’s limp body being pummelled in and out of Mi’s bed by any passing nurse; at least there wasn’t the cracking anymore; I had made sure of that, I broke all her ribs for them…
“Esmee!””
“I’m fine, it’s OK, I’m just a little shell shocked that’s all.” I answered pulling my eyes up to meet Emmet’s that where stabbing into me franticly.
“Are you sure, you’re covered in blood, are you hurt? Is she hurt?” Emmet asked softly pressing one hand up close to my gradually swelling uterus. Yes she was Ok in there fine and safe; protected by her mum.
“It’s Bella’s blood,” I mumbled, my head still racing. There was someone I was forgetting in the list of people that had to be kept safe and close to me, someone important… “and she’s just fine.” I smiled.
“I thought it was Mi.” Emmet continued… Someone important… I was terrified that she had done something again… Someone important… I mean after last time and everything, she can be fragile and she has been so strong lately… Someone important, someone that had to be kept safe, someone that had to be close to me… and well…”
“Mi,” I yelled slapping both my hands against Emmet’s chest, pushing him off of my. “Where is she? She was here, I was talking to her and then Bella came and I had to stop, where is she?” I spluttered scanning my eyes over the room and into the corners trying to find the terrified face in among the face of nurses but she wasn’t there.
“Mi Emmet,” I shouted wondering why he wasn’t moving “She was here and she saw everything and now she has gone and I think she was triggered, help me find her!”
Someone important, someone that had to be kept safe, someone that had to be close to me.
Code blue
All right guys i have edited they very last paragraph on this chapter so please re-read for it to make sence, thanks"
I probably make a point of mentoning here that i don't own twilight or Alice Cullen or anything else that may be mentioned.
I am of course a huge twilight fan! but that is all!
All that aside though i hope this chapter was worth waiting for.
I had a little voice normally. I found shouting a struggle, maybe it was just because my vocal cords didn’t work well that way, maybe I knew that in a whisper I could usually say just as much, or maybe I was conditioned that way from when I was a child. I never got anything by shouting and crying about it. Negotiation was used, quiet dignified conversation or you where ignored until your were not being irrational it was usually an asset to me but sometimes I had to shout, sometimes I needed help and this was one of those time so why did my voice sound so whisper quite as I yelled “Code blue!” twice before jumping to my feet and smashing the blue glass panel that resided just under the red fire one with my fist making the whole unit wale with a sound that was a lot like the ones that where used in the world war air raids and a rather posh woman’s voice that announced “code blue tranquillity” over and over again
Breathless and nauseated I jumped back away from the wall and pilled my self back onto Mi’s bed my hair getting into my face as I tilted Bella’s head back pinched the top of her nose and pressed my lips around hers my second hand air inflating her lugs twice before I turned to her chest pushed my hands together, gritted my teeth and pressed down heard three large snaps signalling that I was beating up another body in the right way.
Crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, whoosh, whoosh, air filling lungs. More hands on ribs, crack, crack, crunch.
It must have been seconds but it felt like hours but eventually nurses arrived from every direction pooling into the room to take the body from both side one was on a mobile phone shouting instructions about the wrong patient.
“Yes Mia Dorado age 15, she’s crashed, there’s blood, known self…”
“It Bella I barked somewhere over my right shoulder to who ever it was that was calling the ambulance, “It’s Bella! I shouted again removing my hands from doing the compressions briefly as a pair of scissors chopped at the fabric of Bella’s favourite top that had the cast from twilight on it smiling back at me. It would have broke her heart of she could see it; to witness the cold steal blades cut right through the spiky haired vampires middle of her face splitting in apart between the eyes as the fabric was ripped off her chest revealing the all ready purple bruises that where beginning to form. The vampire was Alice, Bella adored Alice above all of them, she had told me once how Alice made her feel. How something about the character spoke to her, about how that smiling face that littered her walls was the only person that truly made her feel safe and I had smiled admiring her courage to find hope in simple things, to find something that was more important in her life then how many calories where aloud to go past her lips, but apparently there was some things even Alice couldn’t make better for her.
Crunch, crunch, crunch Crunch… quiet; that was the path way for my hands made then, no more protection for the heart; press, press, press, press, press…
“All right Esmee let me take over, you’re getting tired…” blood red painted fingernails pushed mine out the way, crystals hands resuming that same pushing. As mine had, “Esmee move get out the bloody way!” Crystal yelled when I didn’t soot over to let her get in front of Bella, “Move!”
With out responding verbally to her demands I rolled my self off of the bed backing back until my body hit the opposite wall, my face now almost as white as Bella’s, my breathing heavy from heard work and panic, my hands shaking furiously until fingers looked around mine; Emmet’s fingers; the lass nurse to respond to the still shrieking alarm - “Cold blue, tranquillity. Cold blue, tranquillity, cold blue…”
Bella falling
“Mi! Mi you have to hide me, or help me or something! I know this looks bad and all but you know that it isn’t, but lets face it I look like the corps bride right now and any minute the staff are going to come and look for me in my room and if I’m pissing blood all over the floor I can kiss good bye to green obs and say hello to red and I can’t go through that again, and… and… Shit!” Bella shouted as she opened her eyes mid rant spotting me after she had thrown her self into Mi’s room slamming the door behind her with a towel pressed firmly onto her heavily bleeding wrist, mascara tear streaks over her cheeks mixed in with the blood that had had managed to cover every part of her indeed making her convincing impersonation of the of the Corps bride.
“Fucking hell Esmee, your like a pack of vouchers aren’t you. Your Every fucking where trying to pick us off one by fucking one.” Bella screamed hysterically as she uncovered her wrist with the towel round it allowing a fresh stream of what was almost certainly arterial blood to spill out before she throw it full pelt into the wall closest to her.
Before I could even react to the seen unfolding in front of me Mi was on her feet swooping from the bed to her wardrobe, yanking a towel from the top shelf before shooting over to Bellas side pushing her arm into the air above her head while trying to wrap her towel tightly around her blooded wrist.
“Oi, Mi your trying to do me out of a job here,” I laughed as I managed to make my brain spring into action and dived my hands into my pocket trying to fish out my last pair of gloves that I knew where lurking in there somewhere.
“Ok Bella, all right sweet heart hold on.” I said jumping to my feet and going over to her where Mi was all ready doing pretty much exactly what I would have been doing anyway except I could tell weather I was going to go down to the clinic room and stitch her up, drive her over to the hospital or call an ambulance.
“All right Bella, I’m just going to take a look at this cut and see what we need to do here Ok.” I said gently taking hold of Bella’s arm from Mi and cradling it in close to my abdomen for support before very slowly I pulled the towel back off of the wound.
The wound was deep and with out the pressure that was being applied by Mi a jet of bright red blood squirted from the wound onto my neck and chin before flooding over my light blue blouse. She needed an ambulance, how the hell was she still standing?
Bella crashing
“OK Bella. I need to get some help so I’m going to press my RRA to get some attention, well either that or I strip and stand in the hall way naked but that would probably just scar the minds of other clients or get me arrested so I think I may stick with the watch of wonder if that’s OK.” I said smiling to try not and panic her, even though inside me I knew it was bad wounds this savvier did not normally respond to pressure entirely even if they helped slightly.
“Mi honey, I have my hands full here so could you press that little button there for me and commence that cats chorus please.” I also asked gently to the almost shell shocked Mi who could not look me in the eye but only stair on at the blood that was socking in warm and sticky onto my abdomen and the speckles that where splattered up my neck and drying onto my cheek. She was either horrified or in awe however even though I thought she hadn’t heard anything one blood stained hand crept out and gently pressed the red illuminated button on my wrist making the resounding low panic beep fill the room and the halls outside.
“I… I feel a bit … a bit… woozy.” Bella muttered the remaining colour that was left in her cheeks falling away in a rush, “I think I need…” Bella’s eyes shock slightly in there sockets before they rolled back into the back of her head and her very tiny still stick thin body of bones skin and thresh air feel down into my arms, her slightly laboured breathing of before suddenly very muted, the towel that had been pressed against her arm falling to the floor allowing the blood to pore from her wrist and through her fingers. Life sinking into years old crumby carpet that covered the floors where it eagerly sucked it up like a thirsty vampire being granted its final meal after being sentenced to a wooden stake through the heart.
“Bella! Bella can you here me?” I yelled pulling her over to Mi’s bed and pushing her onto her back on the mattress both my hand feverishly trying to find a pulse in her one remaining half human wrist and in her neck while pressing my head down close to her mouth praying to here gasping but her chest lay still, there where no sounds from her lips and her blood lay unmoving inside her.
Hands
Ok only a small chapter here but i am all ready writing the next one. Writers block dirverted for now. Watch this space.
“It isn’t his job to give up Mi,” I said in a whisper, leaning forward and taking hold of one of her cold hands into mine; rubbing mine over the fingers separating them to let the daylight through. “No one has given up on you mi.” The words felt like acid bile as they crawled up my thought and entered into the world to sooth the ears of the needy and poison the heart of the teller, but what else could I say? To tell her she was right; that he couldn’t care what the hell happened as long as she pissed off and freed up the room that he needed for someone else that wouldn’t splatter mud onto his track record would be like running her over in my car when she was all ready on the floor.
“Now your lying to me,” Mi laughed gently twirling her fingers in mine before letting go allowing my hand to flop down to the bed with a dull thud; my car crashing into the end of then dead end street; Mi strewn across the bonnet and somehow though I was in the driving seat I hadn’t been driving.
“What if he has, does that mean you will give up too? What about me? I will never give up on you and Emmet will never give up.” I confirmed pressing my fingers back into the gaps between Mi’s. It still felt strange to look at her skin next to mine; to feel it on mine. she was my sister; we shared a womb, the type A blood running though our veins not a coincidence like it had been for all the other patients I had touched hands with and for a moment I got lost in the delicate shape the hands made locked together, something strong yet so breakable in the structure they created.
It of course was the crashing and the shouted crying that brought me back to reality with a bump.
Just when I wished he would fight for me
Hi guys i hope your all still there! i realise that it has been ages but i am still writing, it's just taking a bit longer because i am finding it hard to write. Writers block again.
but i am back now Mi fans and i haope to be churning out a few more chapters.
“Sorry I took so long I got held up with something,” I decided to go to the bathroom before I peed on the floor, I said brightly after I turned into Mi’s new room.
I didn’t know what I was expecting but to be honest it had probably been worse then what I was greeted with, blood maybe, or vomit or something equally as grungy that Dr Jordan would not have wanted to deal with however even though it was nasty for mi it seemed all she was suffering from was a pretty nasty anxiety attack that had lead to hyperventilation.
“that’s all right Esmee.” Doctor Jordan smiled getting to his feet after patting Mi once on the side of her leg. “I have got sign a few things of for Madeline’s admission and then I have to head over to skylight and do a few assessments.
“More admissions?”
“I never know until I get there, The psyc nurse doesn’t seem to be happy but it’s probably fine. I will call you if any different, ” Doctor Jordan smiled, then with out even turning to Mi he got up and walked to the door.
“Oh yeah Esmee, Mi has said she wants to go out, if she calms down and there is enough staff so someone can go with her I don’t see a problem with it,” Doctor Jordan added as an after thought before walking away, leaving me no time to explain that we would of had enough nurses in normal circumstances but Madeline was going to cause more of an issue then he was expecting and a little more man power would be appreciated or at least some advise on what to do when she manages to simultaneously trigger every other psychotic patient we had which at the moment was pronominally high and that wasn’t allowing for any of our more stable patients if they where having a bad day which by the sounds of it Mi was.
“All right then honey lets try and get this a bit more under control shall we?” I asked brightly going over to her and sitting on the patch where Doctor Jordan had just got up from
“I know that you are very scared and upset right now but this isn’t going to help the situation it is going to make it feel a hole lot worse in the long run.” I said gently yet firmly while rubbing Mi’s legs to try and make the cramp retreat that had so clearly tied them up in knots. I know they way I was saying it made it sound easy thing to do but inside I knew what Mi was facing would feel almost impossible to stop; panic attacks had the awful ability to make it feel like your dying.
“You need to slow it down,” I confirmed while emphasising my own breathing to try and give her a visual prompt on how to make her body feel like it belonged to her again, “You need to slow it right down.”
I could see Mi try to make a conscious effort to join in with my pattern of breathing but as I almost expected it did not last long. To her slowing it down would feel like a ludicrous idea, she thought she couldn’t breath so she had to go faster, harder and further. Inside slowing it down would feel like it would kill her and I really felt for her. I suffered from panic attacks all of the time when I wasn’t working, I had no idea how I managed to keep them at bay when I was working but as a nurse there was something different that came over me and made me calmer more in control; the Esmee for the masses.
“All right Honey, just hold still for me, lets try it this way,” I said softly abandoning all training I received once again and leaning forward and cupping both my hands over her mouth and nose so she had no option but to breath through them which meant in the process she would have to re-breath the carbon dioxide basically- at least on a physical level- eliminating the panic attack. Of course using a paper bag rather then my hands would have been better and slightly more traditional but I didn’t have one on me and I had no proper excuse for actually using this way of dealing with panic attacks any way so I could get one, we where meant to talk patients down from panic attacks and a fair few times in the unit I had done exactly that but from experience I found that the re-breathing way took half as long to work and panic attacks hurt; and this was Mi.
“That’s it keep slowing it down, big deep breaths.” I said firmly as Mi’s breathing began to slow down; her breaths feeling less harsh on the palms of my hands. “Would you like to tell me what brought all this on any way?” I asked gently smiling at her before glancing down at the floor beside her bed where a sketch book had fallen open with a perfectly drawn picture of Emmet and my self staring back at me.
“Mi, these are simply stunning, I mean just breath …”
“No, no! Don’t look at those.” Mi shouted suddenly her breathing now only slightly accelerated as she jumped off of the bed and gathered the drawings together holding then into her chest; the corner of the one that I just saw of Emmet and my self ripping at the corner of the paper a jagged line cutting though Emmet’s cheek; my stomach flipped.
“Mi it’s Ok honey it’s all right.” I said softly reaching out and touch her leg as she curled her self up on the bed drawing her knees up to her chest completely obscuring the pictures from view.
“It’s not OK Esmee,” Mi said in an almost whisper while closing her eyes and shaking her head the touch of a smile forming across her lips. “He wants me to take control of my life. He wants me to know all the answers and I don’t know them. I just can’t get it right no matter how heard I try.” Mi said sadly two tears dripping down over her face. “He’s given up Esmee,” Mi said sadly opening her red eyes and looking at me straight in my face “He’s given up just when I have started to wish that he would fight for me.”
Breathing
Mi
The thing I was most aware of was my breathing. I realised I was going to fast and I realised I was probably making in sound harsher then It had to be, I realised that the breathing was probably the reason why every one of my fingers where in spasm and my legs where burning with crap and above it all and maybe the most importantly I realised that though it felt like I couldn’t breath I actually could and if I tried really heard to breath normally I probably could but there was something sick about the pain it caused me. Something sick yet pleasurable something about it made everything real to feel. For the first time the outside of me felt as disorder as the constant panic attacks that was within.
“All right, it’s OK. Slow, deep breaths, Slow, slow.” Doctor Jordan said speaking softly and very controlled as he took a seat back down on the edge of my bed while he took a small black mobile out of his pocket before pressing a few numbers and holding it up to his ear.
Only Lesser nurses have bladders
Esmee
Is it too much to ask for a damn bathroom break!” I groaned accusingly as the main office phone as it sprang into life as soon as I beeped my self into the office to get an induction folder and consent for admission forms that Ruby needed to sign. It was also a good excuse to use the bathroom as well but as always the telephone call sounded urgent and I was the only one in the office that could answer it. Apparently only lesser nurses had bladders.
“Hello, Apple gate house Y.P.U Esmee Bear speaking how may I help you” Hello Apple gate house, Esmee speaking, make it quick before I pee on the floor.
“Hello Esmee it’s Nick Jordan.”
“What is it Nick, I’m dealing with the Jinx admission can it wait?” I scowled at the phone; if I knew it was him I would have ignored the phone.
“Not really, I need a nurse, kind of quickly, I Left My RRA in my office.” Crap
“Where are you Nick, are you OK? How big a team do you need?”
“Just you would be helpful, or anyone else. Can you come up to Tranquillity, it’s not a huge emergency but I think this would be more suited to your talents to deal with (this is nurses work) and I can’t leave Mi alone right now.” Double crap
“Is she hurt Nick, do I need to call the Paramedics?” I asked franticly my hand claming around the phone. In a way I had been expecting something to happen, she was still depressed and her BPD was still miles bigger then she was yet she had been self harm three for over a month something had to give soon.
“No, no, she is doing remarkably well just get here when you can.”
“I’m on my way.”
Another gate kid
“It has changed.” Ruby mumbled letting go of my hands as soon as she got into the entrance hall her eyes darting around at everything wit out focusing on much until her eyes spotted Madeline who was now sprawled out on one of the blue sofas on her front with a biscuit in one hand and a colouring pen in the other that she drew angrily with on to a piece of paper on the cushions.
“Now this is what they will put into your brain,” Madeline confirmed pulling on Emmet’s arm and pointing at the sheet of paper in front of her while shoving in another big bite of biscuit as she talked. “They put it in here,” Madeline said pointing to her fore head. “They haven’t done you yet or hers there,” She confirmed pointing at me and smiling, “buts they got me and mummy but I stopped my chip from working see.” Madeline said getting to her knees on the chair and taking Emmet by the hand gently, “You just has to hits your head real heard!” Madeline Nodded and before anyone could see what was going to happen to stop it she sprang to her feet on the chairs turned to face the wall and launched an attack on it with her forehead.
“Madeline, No.” Emmet shouted reacting lightning fast at exactly the same time as I bounded across the room to try and stop the little girl form hurting her self even though in reality it was more just habit then the fact that I might have been needed to get her under control and time I crossed the room Emmet had her in a perfectly controlled hold restraint.
“Madeline, what you where doing is not tolerated here OK, Emmet said gently but firmly trying his best to ignore the fact that Madeline was struggling violently against him and thrashing her teeth at any part of him she got get close to.
“This place is a safe place and you will not be aloud to hurt your self or anyone else. So when you are feeling unable to keep your self safe I am going to OK.” Emmet finished bravely even though I was convinced that Madeline had not heard a word of what he had just said and had no intention of stopping her nosy protest anytime soon even so it was my job to try and talk her down to and I wanted to get a look at her head anyway so I got to my knees in front her fished a pair of gloves out of my pocket and attached them to my hands.
“This ones not going to be easy.” Emmet whispered gently as I bent in closer to him to get a look at Madeline’s head. “Her psychosis is crazy and she is going to start everyone else off in here when she gets to mingle a bit, plus I think she may have just urinated all over my lap,“ Emmet half smiled.
“Well,” I said half smiling back at him catching his eyes for half a second as I pressed my finger tips gently to Madeline’s for head, “If I don’t get a bathroom break soon at least I will be able to blame the mess on her.”
“Your bladder is ridicules you know,” Emmet chuckled.
“Not my problems; if you have an issue, best take it up with your baby.” I chuckled back rubbing him once on the shoulder before turning my attention back to Madeline who despite my assumptions seemed to be calming down slightly from inside Emmet’s induced cocoon; maybe she had just worn her self out.
“You’re Right Esmee,” Ruby suddenly said behind me making me jump up to a standing position startled which in turn almost made me wet my self. In all the commotion with Madeline I had forgotten that Ruby was still standing there looking for conformation that we where not going to eat her child the moment she left.
“Right about what Ruby,” I asked even though I was distracted by a rather more urgent need.
“She belongs here, well at least for now she does. You can look after her much better then I can alone right now. I mean look; he’s almost got her under control and you both reacted so quickly when she tried to hurt her self like that.” Ruby said sounding shocked as she stared over at her calming daughter with tears streaking down over her cheeks again, “I won’t contest the move here and I will sign the admission papers. I have to accept the fact that she needs help.”
Together
Esmee
“You want to know a secret?” I asked gently as Ruby swallowed deeply staring at the front step of the door like she was being asked to jump over a fifteen foot never ending whole in the ground that led right to the centre of the earth.
“I do to; every time I walk in trough the front door of this place for a second I think I am going to throw up,” I admitted. “I have worked here for five years and every time on every shift for a split second I feel sick.” I laughed gently thinking of how stupid it sounded to say the words aloud while taking hold of Ruby hand gently in mine which for a moment sent my head swimming back to a time when we found are self doing this a lot. In everything that was heard for one another while in the unit new found our self’s holding hands we somehow felt stronger as two
“Together.” Ruby mumbled gently closing her eyes and taking a big breath the edges for her lips curling up into a smile of bravery,
“Together.” I confirmed and with that we took a giant step into the hall way of our past and future.
Phoenix on fire
Mi
“Maybe we could skip that bit and you could just tell me what you’re going to do?” I said weekly staring so heard at his Pager while willing it to spring into life I was sure it would burst into flames.
I was running out of things to say, ways to explain and reasons to want to. Apple gate house had bee a progression and finely after what felt like a long time I had reached an uneasy acceptance of my funny little place in this world. Why did he want more? I was breathing and I was living and he had me under his control where he wanted me.
“Even if it does go off I wont leave,” Dr. Jordan said ducking his head into my line of vision and smiling breaking my concentration on his pager, “and we can’t skip anything because until I know how you are feeling I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Even if I said that I’m OK, that at the moment I am existing would you really believe me, would that be enough, because to be honest I am seeing the colour red right now any way.” I groaned turning away from him so I could look out from the bedroom window. Ironically even though the second and highest floor was meant to be for the “better” patients, the outside world seemed a lot further away and I sighed again before wishing I didn’t because the same scent from the bed below me crept inside the edges Of the internal seals I had been trying to put in place to block them out.
“Are you planning to try and kill your self Mi? The time for working against you in this has ended and I won’t do it any more. I want to get you out of here and into a foster placement that a lot of people in this unit have fort tooth and nail for you to get. I want to help you Mi I really do but now you need to work with me or we are at a stand still. I do not want to put you on red observations and if you tell me that you are OK I wont because the plan I said to you a moment ago about visits and Christmas will be a whole lot nice then the alternative which will happen if you find your self on reds again. I am honestly not trying to be nasty to you here Mi but I am handing the control of your life back to you. That does not mean you are alone; my self and every other member of staff in this unit are here to help you, all you have to do, and I am not saying it will be easy, is to ask.” Doctor Jordan said tapping my leg gently and getting to his feet with a smile before turning towards the door.
“I want to go out.” I shouted before I could stop my self “I want to get some drawing things.” I said quietly trying to tone down how demanding my voice sounded as I brushed out the sketch book with the picture of Emmet and Esmee embraced together so he could look at it if he wanted to, “I like drawing,” I continued cautiously as he regarded the sketch on my bed “and I like this picture but the eyes are wrong and I haven’t got nothing left to fix it with, so I want to go out.” I breathed deeply trying to steady my self as his previous words of what he had said before to sink in more and more and for some reason my whole body started to tremble the wetness finding my eyes again, in that moment there was so much to say but I couldn’t yet something inside had sparked into life and emotions bright and demanding yet all I could do was talk about eyes.
“You see all these pictures and I can never get the eyes!” I half yelped flipping through all the drawings of Emmet and Esmee in the sketch book while trying to find a way to cope with all the emotion that tried to spill from somewhere inside of me. I had no idea where it come form or why it was so strong but somewhere inside of me it was like a phoenix had burst into flames and I was being reborn and the more and more I looked at the Sketches of Emmet Esmee and my other friends I began to understand tiny little bits of things like a million left over puzzle pieces from a thousand puzzles falling in a mess onto my alp from out of know where and I want to scream out but all I could do was see the wrong eyes.
“There eyes are so important god damn it and I can’t get the bloody eyes.” I snarled at my self curling my body up into a ball and rocking as my breathing became too quick to count or handle. And the world span madly on around me. At the end of it all he may have been handing the control back to me and maybe somewhere inside I felt like I was being reborn but that in it’s self didn’t mean I had any idea how to handle it or even know if I wanted it.
