Phoenix on fire (mi's side)

Phoenix on fire

Mi

“Maybe we could skip that bit and you could just tell me what you’re going to do?” I said weekly staring so heard at his Pager while willing it to spring into life I was sure it would burst into flames.

I was running out of things to say, ways to explain and reasons to want to. Apple gate house had bee a progression and finely after what felt like a long time I had reached an uneasy acceptance of my funny little place in this world. Why did he want more? I was breathing and I was living and he had me under his control where he wanted me.

“Even if it does go off I wont leave,” Dr. Jordan said ducking his head into my line of vision and smiling breaking my concentration on his pager, “and we can’t skip anything because until I know how you are feeling I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Even if I said that I’m OK, that at the moment I am existing would you really believe me, would that be enough, because to be honest I am seeing the colour red right now any way.” I groaned turning away from him so I could look out from the bedroom window. Ironically even though the second and highest floor was meant to be for the “better” patients, the outside world seemed a lot further away and I sighed again before wishing I didn’t because the same scent from the bed below me crept inside the edges Of the internal seals I had been trying to put in place to block them out.

“Are you planning to try and kill your self Mi? The time for working against you in this has ended and I won’t do it any more. I want to get you out of here and into a foster placement that a lot of people in this unit have fort tooth and nail for you to get. I want to help you Mi I really do but now you need to work with me or we are at a stand still. I do not want to put you on red observations and if you tell me that you are OK I wont because the plan I said to you a moment ago about visits and Christmas will be a whole lot nice then the alternative which will happen if you find your self on reds again. I am honestly not trying to be nasty to you here Mi but I am handing the control of your life back to you. That does not mean you are alone; my self and every other member of staff in this unit are here to help you, all you have to do, and I am not saying it will be easy, is to ask.” Doctor Jordan said tapping my leg gently and getting to his feet with a smile before turning towards the door.

“I want to go out.” I shouted before I could stop my self “I want to get some drawing things.” I said quietly trying to tone down how demanding my voice sounded as I brushed out the sketch book with the picture of Emmet and Esmee embraced together so he could look at it if he wanted to, “I like drawing,” I continued cautiously as he regarded the sketch on my bed “and I like this picture but the eyes are wrong and I haven’t got nothing left to fix it with, so I want to go out.” I breathed deeply trying to steady my self as his previous words of what he had said before to sink in more and more and for some reason my whole body started to tremble the wetness finding my eyes again, in that moment there was so much to say but I couldn’t yet something inside had sparked into life and emotions bright and demanding yet all I could do was talk about eyes.

“You see all these pictures and I can never get the eyes!” I half yelped flipping through all the drawings of Emmet and Esmee in the sketch book while trying to find a way to cope with all the emotion that tried to spill from somewhere inside of me. I had no idea where it come form or why it was so strong but somewhere inside of me it was like a phoenix had burst into flames and I was being reborn and the more and more I looked at the Sketches of Emmet Esmee and my other friends I began to understand tiny little bits of things like a million left over puzzle pieces from a thousand puzzles falling in a mess onto my alp from out of know where and I want to scream out but all I could do was see the wrong eyes.

“There eyes are so important god damn it and I can’t get the bloody eyes.” I snarled at my self curling my body up into a ball and rocking as my breathing became too quick to count or handle. And the world span madly on around me. At the end of it all he may have been handing the control back to me and maybe somewhere inside I felt like I was being reborn but that in it’s self didn’t mean I had any idea how to handle it or even know if I wanted it.