(Esmee) Just when I wished he would fight for me (Mi's side)

Just when I wished he would fight for me

Hi guys i hope your all still there! i realise that it has been ages but i am still writing, it's just taking a bit longer because i am finding it hard to write. Writers block again.
but i am back now Mi fans and i haope to be churning out a few more chapters.

“Sorry I took so long I got held up with something,” I decided to go to the bathroom before I peed on the floor, I said brightly after I turned into Mi’s new room.

I didn’t know what I was expecting but to be honest it had probably been worse then what I was greeted with, blood maybe, or vomit or something equally as grungy that Dr Jordan would not have wanted to deal with however even though it was nasty for mi it seemed all she was suffering from was a pretty nasty anxiety attack that had lead to hyperventilation.

“that’s all right Esmee.” Doctor Jordan smiled getting to his feet after patting Mi once on the side of her leg. “I have got sign a few things of for Madeline’s admission and then I have to head over to skylight and do a few assessments.

“More admissions?”

“I never know until I get there, The psyc nurse doesn’t seem to be happy but it’s probably fine. I will call you if any different, ” Doctor Jordan smiled, then with out even turning to Mi he got up and walked to the door.

“Oh yeah Esmee, Mi has said she wants to go out, if she calms down and there is enough staff so someone can go with her I don’t see a problem with it,” Doctor Jordan added as an after thought before walking away, leaving me no time to explain that we would of had enough nurses in normal circumstances but Madeline was going to cause more of an issue then he was expecting and a little more man power would be appreciated or at least some advise on what to do when she manages to simultaneously trigger every other psychotic patient we had which at the moment was pronominally high and that wasn’t allowing for any of our more stable patients if they where having a bad day which by the sounds of it Mi was.

“All right then honey lets try and get this a bit more under control shall we?” I asked brightly going over to her and sitting on the patch where Doctor Jordan had just got up from

“I know that you are very scared and upset right now but this isn’t going to help the situation it is going to make it feel a hole lot worse in the long run.” I said gently yet firmly while rubbing Mi’s legs to try and make the cramp retreat that had so clearly tied them up in knots. I know they way I was saying it made it sound easy thing to do but inside I knew what Mi was facing would feel almost impossible to stop; panic attacks had the awful ability to make it feel like your dying.

“You need to slow it down,” I confirmed while emphasising my own breathing to try and give her a visual prompt on how to make her body feel like it belonged to her again, “You need to slow it right down.”

I could see Mi try to make a conscious effort to join in with my pattern of breathing but as I almost expected it did not last long. To her slowing it down would feel like a ludicrous idea, she thought she couldn’t breath so she had to go faster, harder and further. Inside slowing it down would feel like it would kill her and I really felt for her. I suffered from panic attacks all of the time when I wasn’t working, I had no idea how I managed to keep them at bay when I was working but as a nurse there was something different that came over me and made me calmer more in control; the Esmee for the masses.

“All right Honey, just hold still for me, lets try it this way,” I said softly abandoning all training I received once again and leaning forward and cupping both my hands over her mouth and nose so she had no option but to breath through them which meant in the process she would have to re-breath the carbon dioxide basically- at least on a physical level- eliminating the panic attack. Of course using a paper bag rather then my hands would have been better and slightly more traditional but I didn’t have one on me and I had no proper excuse for actually using this way of dealing with panic attacks any way so I could get one, we where meant to talk patients down from panic attacks and a fair few times in the unit I had done exactly that but from experience I found that the re-breathing way took half as long to work and panic attacks hurt; and this was Mi.

“That’s it keep slowing it down, big deep breaths.” I said firmly as Mi’s breathing began to slow down; her breaths feeling less harsh on the palms of my hands. “Would you like to tell me what brought all this on any way?” I asked gently smiling at her before glancing down at the floor beside her bed where a sketch book had fallen open with a perfectly drawn picture of Emmet and my self staring back at me.

“Mi, these are simply stunning, I mean just breath …”

“No, no! Don’t look at those.” Mi shouted suddenly her breathing now only slightly accelerated as she jumped off of the bed and gathered the drawings together holding then into her chest; the corner of the one that I just saw of Emmet and my self ripping at the corner of the paper a jagged line cutting though Emmet’s cheek; my stomach flipped.

“Mi it’s Ok honey it’s all right.” I said softly reaching out and touch her leg as she curled her self up on the bed drawing her knees up to her chest completely obscuring the pictures from view.

“It’s not OK Esmee,” Mi said in an almost whisper while closing her eyes and shaking her head the touch of a smile forming across her lips. “He wants me to take control of my life. He wants me to know all the answers and I don’t know them. I just can’t get it right no matter how heard I try.” Mi said sadly two tears dripping down over her face. “He’s given up Esmee,” Mi said sadly opening her red eyes and looking at me straight in my face “He’s given up just when I have started to wish that he would fight for me.”