OK i hope this is OK.
I will win
We remained silent for a while after Emmet’s words dried up with my tears. After all what was there to say about Bella’s death that hadn’t all ready been said. I felt my grief for her, I felt terrified that she was somewhere alone, but she was gone. Something inside of Bella pushed her to starve her self and she paid the ultimate price. Her life and I missed her, however she had sparked something inside of me something that nothing or no one else could have sparked. A determination to not let her death pass with out a reason, a determination not to follow her in the way that she went. I would tare down Sophie, and I would win.
“Are you going to be OK?” Emmet asked eventually drumming his fingers on the top of his steering wheel while looking out at the world. “I have to be honest,” Emmet admitted “The unit are a little bit surprised. We know you were close to Bella, probably more then any of them, and Esmee says you were close to Connor as well…”
His name sent a scolding pain melting over my limbs as the flashing images of the first time he kissed me probed into the back of my eyes like hot pins. Unlike Bella’s spark he left a burning hole that ripped me apart whenever I remembered him.
“… so we where kind of expecting for you to take it all a little bit worse then this… Mi… Mi.”
I darted my watery blue eyes back to Emmet and for the first time I willed him to be able to see though them.
“Sophie killed my best friend,” I whispered. “She didn’t look back, she didn’t think who needed her she just destroyed without question and that isn’t OK. I’m fighting back now Emmet I’m going to kill her like she killed Bella. I will tare and rip Sophie down, and I will win.”
Friday, 24 February 2012
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
mew blog up and running!!!!!
thanks for advice everyone! I decided to run with the new blog! and put it up! the link is
miareyousafe.blogspot.com
there isn't much on there yet, but there will be later this evening! Go check it out and tell your friends!
miareyousafe.blogspot.com
there isn't much on there yet, but there will be later this evening! Go check it out and tell your friends!
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Somthing i'm thinking/going to do. (No story but idead please)
Hi guys, i need ideas because i am in a bit of limbo and i love your ideas and you always give me such good advise.
First off once this is finsihed and i have a proper proof reader/ editer look through it i am consedering sending this to a publisher. I have had some good comments and am thinking that it wouldn't hurt to try, however that isnt what i am writing about now, so on to the point.
I am thinking of starting a new blong! This one is a little bit all over the place and well bitty and the whole story isn't on here so i can't actually get any one else who isnt aware to start reading, so the idea is this one will stay here as it is with all of Mi's new updates for all my faithfull ever patient readers. I love you all by the way! but I will create abother one where chapter by chapter bit by bit from the very begining i will upload the back story and then i can start spreading the word get more people to read it ( which maybe you could help me with! Tell your friends everyone lets drum up support and awarness of Mis story!) and maybe along the way spred some awarness of mentel helth issues!
So what do you all think of this idea? Good? Bad? possably damn well crazy? Please let me know. at the moement i think i might go for it but there is still something holding me back! Advice please.
love vikki
First off once this is finsihed and i have a proper proof reader/ editer look through it i am consedering sending this to a publisher. I have had some good comments and am thinking that it wouldn't hurt to try, however that isnt what i am writing about now, so on to the point.
I am thinking of starting a new blong! This one is a little bit all over the place and well bitty and the whole story isn't on here so i can't actually get any one else who isnt aware to start reading, so the idea is this one will stay here as it is with all of Mi's new updates for all my faithfull ever patient readers. I love you all by the way! but I will create abother one where chapter by chapter bit by bit from the very begining i will upload the back story and then i can start spreading the word get more people to read it ( which maybe you could help me with! Tell your friends everyone lets drum up support and awarness of Mis story!) and maybe along the way spred some awarness of mentel helth issues!
So what do you all think of this idea? Good? Bad? possably damn well crazy? Please let me know. at the moement i think i might go for it but there is still something holding me back! Advice please.
love vikki
She should be here (Mi's side)
She should be here
“Oh bloody hell; she’s been driving my bloody car again.” Emmet Shouted as he slipped into his car and the steering weal was so close to him it hit him in the chest and his legs where so close to the peddles his knees hit him in the chin, making himself into a convincing imitation of a clown in a miniature clown car.
“I have an Idea why don’t you just do away with the front seats altogether and just drive in the back?” I laughed watching as Emmet swore at the seat as he hocked his hand under seat and pulled the leave that sent the seat shooting into the back where it remained before he swore even more loudly at the steering wheel so it grew to his full height before he fiddled with the mirrors and finally turned on the engine the car springing into life.
“The thought has crossed my mind a few times; trouble is Esmee tends to commandeer my car whenever she damn well feels like it and as you can see she has to sit on the weal.” Emmet Laughed as he pulled out of the drive way of apple gate house and onto the road.
It looked different out here again now, the same road that I used to walk down everyday for school changed so much from the months to months that I saw it these days. It was cold out here now and a frosty covering gave the trees that lined the road a grey, blue twinge and a mother carried a child on her hip that was wrapped up in a giant blue snow suit that made him stuck in one position. In a way it was strangely beautiful, no completely beautiful and Bella should have seen it. She should have been healthy and warm strolling up the street, that little baby should have been hers, she should have been happy. Not dead.
The tears swam in front of my eyes and then spilled down over my cheeks as my chest heaved upwards towards my a gentle hardly audible sob escaping before I sniffed trying to stop it but it carried on any way more tears flooding me from the inside out and drowning me.
“Hay, hay, sweetheart, what the matter honey, what going on?” Emmet asked glancing at me and the road alternatively, taking my hand into his and squeezing tightly before spotting a car parking space on the corner of the road and pulling his car in, killing the engine before undoing his seat belt and twisting his body so it was looking at mine.
“She’s dead Emmet,” I cried sniffing as my tears tried to consume me completely. “she’s actually dead.”
“Oh bloody hell; she’s been driving my bloody car again.” Emmet Shouted as he slipped into his car and the steering weal was so close to him it hit him in the chest and his legs where so close to the peddles his knees hit him in the chin, making himself into a convincing imitation of a clown in a miniature clown car.
“I have an Idea why don’t you just do away with the front seats altogether and just drive in the back?” I laughed watching as Emmet swore at the seat as he hocked his hand under seat and pulled the leave that sent the seat shooting into the back where it remained before he swore even more loudly at the steering wheel so it grew to his full height before he fiddled with the mirrors and finally turned on the engine the car springing into life.
“The thought has crossed my mind a few times; trouble is Esmee tends to commandeer my car whenever she damn well feels like it and as you can see she has to sit on the weal.” Emmet Laughed as he pulled out of the drive way of apple gate house and onto the road.
It looked different out here again now, the same road that I used to walk down everyday for school changed so much from the months to months that I saw it these days. It was cold out here now and a frosty covering gave the trees that lined the road a grey, blue twinge and a mother carried a child on her hip that was wrapped up in a giant blue snow suit that made him stuck in one position. In a way it was strangely beautiful, no completely beautiful and Bella should have seen it. She should have been healthy and warm strolling up the street, that little baby should have been hers, she should have been happy. Not dead.
The tears swam in front of my eyes and then spilled down over my cheeks as my chest heaved upwards towards my a gentle hardly audible sob escaping before I sniffed trying to stop it but it carried on any way more tears flooding me from the inside out and drowning me.
“Hay, hay, sweetheart, what the matter honey, what going on?” Emmet asked glancing at me and the road alternatively, taking my hand into his and squeezing tightly before spotting a car parking space on the corner of the road and pulling his car in, killing the engine before undoing his seat belt and twisting his body so it was looking at mine.
“She’s dead Emmet,” I cried sniffing as my tears tried to consume me completely. “she’s actually dead.”
Monday, 20 February 2012
Going out (Mi's side)
Going out
“Your just a big softy.” I accused smiling at Emmet as he flicked the pages back over to my current drawing of Bella and Alice and smiled again.
“I think Bella would like that.” Emmet confirmed nodding his head in improvements as he examined the paper one more time.
“Too bad she will never see it I suppose.” I groaned back, finally talking the sketch book off of Emmet and flipping the cover over. It hurt to look at Bella for to long after the remainder set in that I would actually never see her again. That she wouldn’t grow up or get married like she dreamed off so much. All she ever wanted was to find a twilight ending of her own. For someone to love her as much as Alice Cullen loved Jasper. I told myself that such love didn’t exist bust she believed in it with all her heart and there was a part of me that was also coming around to the idea of a pure higher love as well. Emmet defiantly loved Esmee like that and in return Esmee loved him, and then there was me, I loved… I loved… him.
“the unit for once has enough staff to cover our current client load and I have a spear couple of hours where I’m not meant to be doing anything; I also have a pass for you to leave the unit for a bit. You want to come out for a bit with me? I know a great arts and crafts superstore where we could get you some lovely things to help with your drawing,” Emmet Smiled standing up from my bed and holding out an arm to help me up with which I took smoothing down the top Esmee had got me not so long ago. She had bought me so much over my time in the unit and she never let me pay her the money back. I knew as well as she did if she ever go caught she would be in no world of trouble but she wouldn’t listen to me. I kept telling my self I would spoil Mia when I was living with them to pay her back in a round about way. Not even Esmee had the power to deny her daughter of toys that someone else bought for her.
“You have no idea how much I would like that,” I confirmed, before grabbing a jumper and my coat for the side of my room and following Emmet down the stairs and out of the unit into the great yet scary outside world.
“Your just a big softy.” I accused smiling at Emmet as he flicked the pages back over to my current drawing of Bella and Alice and smiled again.
“I think Bella would like that.” Emmet confirmed nodding his head in improvements as he examined the paper one more time.
“Too bad she will never see it I suppose.” I groaned back, finally talking the sketch book off of Emmet and flipping the cover over. It hurt to look at Bella for to long after the remainder set in that I would actually never see her again. That she wouldn’t grow up or get married like she dreamed off so much. All she ever wanted was to find a twilight ending of her own. For someone to love her as much as Alice Cullen loved Jasper. I told myself that such love didn’t exist bust she believed in it with all her heart and there was a part of me that was also coming around to the idea of a pure higher love as well. Emmet defiantly loved Esmee like that and in return Esmee loved him, and then there was me, I loved… I loved… him.
“the unit for once has enough staff to cover our current client load and I have a spear couple of hours where I’m not meant to be doing anything; I also have a pass for you to leave the unit for a bit. You want to come out for a bit with me? I know a great arts and crafts superstore where we could get you some lovely things to help with your drawing,” Emmet Smiled standing up from my bed and holding out an arm to help me up with which I took smoothing down the top Esmee had got me not so long ago. She had bought me so much over my time in the unit and she never let me pay her the money back. I knew as well as she did if she ever go caught she would be in no world of trouble but she wouldn’t listen to me. I kept telling my self I would spoil Mia when I was living with them to pay her back in a round about way. Not even Esmee had the power to deny her daughter of toys that someone else bought for her.
“You have no idea how much I would like that,” I confirmed, before grabbing a jumper and my coat for the side of my room and following Emmet down the stairs and out of the unit into the great yet scary outside world.
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Thank you Mi (Mi's side)
As promised...
Thank you Mi
I turned to drawing to help me cope with Bella departure. Even though it racked me with guilt I had stolen two things from the bin liners out side of Bella room that had been destined for the bin and designed all my recant attempts at drawing with the limited supplies I had left around them.
I had stolen two medium sized photos out of the bins. One of a very small very underweight Bella and another particularly beautiful photo of Ashley Greene in her role as Alice Cullen in the twilight films and spent my hours meshing the two carhercters together on paper, each one with Alice’s arms wrapped protectively around Bella in comfort. Bella had always found a hidden comfort in the character that I could never have gone deep enough to understand and now I wanted her permanently looked in her arms to maximise her comfort, Bella did not deserve to be alone and now there was no way I could get to her It felt maybe if I pushed Alice around her enough Bella could take her with her wherever she may go.
“We’ve been neglecting you haven’t we?” Emmet said smiling as walking in tough my door as I once again rubbed out the centre of Bella’s eyes and flicked away the bits that where left over with a sigh. I missed Bella.
“No, you have been doing your job, can’t argue with that one. Besides I was under the impression that I was going to have both Esmee and yourself tomorrow when I do my first placement visit” I smiled trying to draw the eyes in again with my stubby unsharpened pencil.
“You bet yeah, Esmee and myself are excited, we can’t wait to get you home Mi”
“You make it sound like I belong there” I groaned giving up and pushing the sketch pad away from me, throwing the pencil down on the top with a huff.
“You do belong there. You’re my sister-in-law, you belong there” Emmet smiled heading further into the room and sitting on the edge of my bed, his eyes looking down at my unfinished work.
I had to resist the urge to lurch forward and grab them towards me to Emmet from looking at them, His eyes seemed sad but they showed no judgement as he looked over the sketch so there was no way I could try and work out what he was thinking. I knew I wasn’t very good. All silly dreams of being an artist had floated away as I grew up and my work took more and more hits form demanding teacher and my mother and step father’s but I still enjoyed it as a hobby in the dark and I didn’t think I could cope with a cruel critique from Emmet. Bella’s and my soul depended on it.”
“These are stunning Mi, you have such huge talent honey.” Emmet smiled gently thumbing through the rest of the pages of the overcrowded sketch book until he pulled the page open on a drawing of Esmee who had Mia bundled into her arms kissing her on the fore head.
“that’s my daughter, and my wife.” Emmet breathed gently his voice filling with passion as he traced his fingers over Esmee’s hair just before one tear drop made the page damp.
“Oh hell I’m sorry.” Emmet groaned grabbing a tissue out of his pocket and dabbing the moisture off of the paper “I’m ruening all of your stunning work,” he groaned.
“Your crying”
“I know completely unprofessional and really bad for a man my size, I have no idea what’s come over me.”
“No, why are you crying Emmet?” I asked
“It’s them sweaty and the way you have drawn them. She’s my wife and she is just perfect,” Emmet moaned whipping his eyes.
“I didn’t know weather I did it right or not,” I admitted not sure weather I should have tried to comfort Emmet or not but decided against it. “I mean I drew in her scars and it almost seemed wrong,” I admitted
“You’ve done perfect. Her scars are a part of her Mi so of course you should have drawn them in. She wouldn’t be my Esmee with out them, and my Esmee‘s perfect in every way” Emmet confirmed dragging his eyes away from the drawing and looking at me before unexpectedly he leant forward and pulled my body towards his in a hug whispering “thank you Mi” into my ear.
Thank you Mi
I turned to drawing to help me cope with Bella departure. Even though it racked me with guilt I had stolen two things from the bin liners out side of Bella room that had been destined for the bin and designed all my recant attempts at drawing with the limited supplies I had left around them.
I had stolen two medium sized photos out of the bins. One of a very small very underweight Bella and another particularly beautiful photo of Ashley Greene in her role as Alice Cullen in the twilight films and spent my hours meshing the two carhercters together on paper, each one with Alice’s arms wrapped protectively around Bella in comfort. Bella had always found a hidden comfort in the character that I could never have gone deep enough to understand and now I wanted her permanently looked in her arms to maximise her comfort, Bella did not deserve to be alone and now there was no way I could get to her It felt maybe if I pushed Alice around her enough Bella could take her with her wherever she may go.
“We’ve been neglecting you haven’t we?” Emmet said smiling as walking in tough my door as I once again rubbed out the centre of Bella’s eyes and flicked away the bits that where left over with a sigh. I missed Bella.
“No, you have been doing your job, can’t argue with that one. Besides I was under the impression that I was going to have both Esmee and yourself tomorrow when I do my first placement visit” I smiled trying to draw the eyes in again with my stubby unsharpened pencil.
“You bet yeah, Esmee and myself are excited, we can’t wait to get you home Mi”
“You make it sound like I belong there” I groaned giving up and pushing the sketch pad away from me, throwing the pencil down on the top with a huff.
“You do belong there. You’re my sister-in-law, you belong there” Emmet smiled heading further into the room and sitting on the edge of my bed, his eyes looking down at my unfinished work.
I had to resist the urge to lurch forward and grab them towards me to Emmet from looking at them, His eyes seemed sad but they showed no judgement as he looked over the sketch so there was no way I could try and work out what he was thinking. I knew I wasn’t very good. All silly dreams of being an artist had floated away as I grew up and my work took more and more hits form demanding teacher and my mother and step father’s but I still enjoyed it as a hobby in the dark and I didn’t think I could cope with a cruel critique from Emmet. Bella’s and my soul depended on it.”
“These are stunning Mi, you have such huge talent honey.” Emmet smiled gently thumbing through the rest of the pages of the overcrowded sketch book until he pulled the page open on a drawing of Esmee who had Mia bundled into her arms kissing her on the fore head.
“that’s my daughter, and my wife.” Emmet breathed gently his voice filling with passion as he traced his fingers over Esmee’s hair just before one tear drop made the page damp.
“Oh hell I’m sorry.” Emmet groaned grabbing a tissue out of his pocket and dabbing the moisture off of the paper “I’m ruening all of your stunning work,” he groaned.
“Your crying”
“I know completely unprofessional and really bad for a man my size, I have no idea what’s come over me.”
“No, why are you crying Emmet?” I asked
“It’s them sweaty and the way you have drawn them. She’s my wife and she is just perfect,” Emmet moaned whipping his eyes.
“I didn’t know weather I did it right or not,” I admitted not sure weather I should have tried to comfort Emmet or not but decided against it. “I mean I drew in her scars and it almost seemed wrong,” I admitted
“You’ve done perfect. Her scars are a part of her Mi so of course you should have drawn them in. She wouldn’t be my Esmee with out them, and my Esmee‘s perfect in every way” Emmet confirmed dragging his eyes away from the drawing and looking at me before unexpectedly he leant forward and pulled my body towards his in a hug whispering “thank you Mi” into my ear.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Claimed (Mi's side)
Claimed
Ten days passed and Bella did not return to apple gate. For the first two days I watched numbed as clients panicked and staff tried to calm them down and I winced at the new ten minute intrusions that burst in on me then left again normally with out saying a word. All Entry observations where upped to green. And at risked greens to amber which ran all the staff off of there feet. My first visit to Esmee and Emmet’s was prospered to see how I was going to react to the shock but apparently I was not being punished and the planned overnight visit to the Bears over christmas was still going to happen if I maintained coping with the pressure in a good way.
Everyone expected me to flip out, even I expected me to flip out and I sometimes wondered why I wasn’t. One of my best friends I ever had died inches from my face and all I could do was act numbed like a ghost.
Ten days had passed and Bella did not return to the hospital but on the seventh day her Mother and Big brother had with tears rolling down over there face and within two hours with the help of Ingrid and Beth her possessions where cleared away into boxes and her posters ripped off of the walls and thrown into bin bags. The room cleaned with industrial strength cleaner and left in its original cell like condition.
We where not told what had happened to Bella and my questions where answered with a simple, “she wont be coming back.” I did not need there answers however as it was written all over there faces anyway. Bella had died. Bella’s Sophie had clamed her and guess what. She never did get thin enough.
Ten days passed and Bella did not return to apple gate. For the first two days I watched numbed as clients panicked and staff tried to calm them down and I winced at the new ten minute intrusions that burst in on me then left again normally with out saying a word. All Entry observations where upped to green. And at risked greens to amber which ran all the staff off of there feet. My first visit to Esmee and Emmet’s was prospered to see how I was going to react to the shock but apparently I was not being punished and the planned overnight visit to the Bears over christmas was still going to happen if I maintained coping with the pressure in a good way.
Everyone expected me to flip out, even I expected me to flip out and I sometimes wondered why I wasn’t. One of my best friends I ever had died inches from my face and all I could do was act numbed like a ghost.
Ten days had passed and Bella did not return to the hospital but on the seventh day her Mother and Big brother had with tears rolling down over there face and within two hours with the help of Ingrid and Beth her possessions where cleared away into boxes and her posters ripped off of the walls and thrown into bin bags. The room cleaned with industrial strength cleaner and left in its original cell like condition.
We where not told what had happened to Bella and my questions where answered with a simple, “she wont be coming back.” I did not need there answers however as it was written all over there faces anyway. Bella had died. Bella’s Sophie had clamed her and guess what. She never did get thin enough.
Claimed (Mi's side)
And I did…
I didn’t know how I did it but something in Esmee’s words made me challenge my self and the attitudes that I had at that moment about vomiting. Out of the whole list I gave Esmee for why I should continue to puke my guts up none of them where really true. I was not clean or white. I was messy and caked in blood and sick, nothing was better; nothing had stopped and Bella was still not breathing, yet Esmee’s reasoning was true. I could not deny that I was indeed crying so with my last ounce of energy I pulled my self away from the loo with Esmee’s help and collapsed onto the floor shivering and whimpering as my stomach kept involuntarily heaving towards my mouth and my heart thundered against my rib cage.
“All right, good girl, that’s a good girl.” Esmee said gently shifting her self down so she was lying out beside me, stroking my vomit stained hair back off of my face with one hand and checking my pause with the other.
“Can I give you some oxygen honey? You vitals are probably fine but it will make things a bit easier anyway however I wont force you.”
I shook my head while still gasping to try and get some clean and fresh air into my lugs that wasn’t thick with the bitter taste of left over stomach acid. It wasn’t really the fact that I didn’t Want the oxygen because at that moment I would have done anything to make me feel better but more the issue I couldn’t get my body off of the floor and there was a whole corridor and two flights of stair separating me from the clinic.
“I can’t move,” I moaned squeezing the words out of my lungs as my stomach heaved back towards my mouth but got caught somewhere in a bubble just under my rib cage. “I won’t make it to the clinic room.”
“Good god mi I can see that, I was more thinking of bringing the oxygen to you,” Esmee smiled gently reaching over again with a tissue so she could wipe the foul tasting droll off of my lips and the sticky bloody vomit off of my chin.
“It would be nice.” I smiled gently my tummy having again as I tried to get my breath to come in longer more satisfying gulps.
“Oxygen Mia? Oxygen? Who said you deserved oxygen?”
“Or maybe not,” I moaned closing my eyes against the pulsing pain behind them, my head spinning out as I tried to grip onto the bathroom floor with my clipped fingernails. I had no energy left to fight with the voice in my head, today she could win.
“You deserve it honey, you deserve it.” Esmee said firmly yet gently. “Trust me.”
And I did…
I didn’t know how I did it but something in Esmee’s words made me challenge my self and the attitudes that I had at that moment about vomiting. Out of the whole list I gave Esmee for why I should continue to puke my guts up none of them where really true. I was not clean or white. I was messy and caked in blood and sick, nothing was better; nothing had stopped and Bella was still not breathing, yet Esmee’s reasoning was true. I could not deny that I was indeed crying so with my last ounce of energy I pulled my self away from the loo with Esmee’s help and collapsed onto the floor shivering and whimpering as my stomach kept involuntarily heaving towards my mouth and my heart thundered against my rib cage.
“All right, good girl, that’s a good girl.” Esmee said gently shifting her self down so she was lying out beside me, stroking my vomit stained hair back off of my face with one hand and checking my pause with the other.
“Can I give you some oxygen honey? You vitals are probably fine but it will make things a bit easier anyway however I wont force you.”
I shook my head while still gasping to try and get some clean and fresh air into my lugs that wasn’t thick with the bitter taste of left over stomach acid. It wasn’t really the fact that I didn’t Want the oxygen because at that moment I would have done anything to make me feel better but more the issue I couldn’t get my body off of the floor and there was a whole corridor and two flights of stair separating me from the clinic.
“I can’t move,” I moaned squeezing the words out of my lungs as my stomach heaved back towards my mouth but got caught somewhere in a bubble just under my rib cage. “I won’t make it to the clinic room.”
“Good god mi I can see that, I was more thinking of bringing the oxygen to you,” Esmee smiled gently reaching over again with a tissue so she could wipe the foul tasting droll off of my lips and the sticky bloody vomit off of my chin.
“It would be nice.” I smiled gently my tummy having again as I tried to get my breath to come in longer more satisfying gulps.
“Oxygen Mia? Oxygen? Who said you deserved oxygen?”
“Or maybe not,” I moaned closing my eyes against the pulsing pain behind them, my head spinning out as I tried to grip onto the bathroom floor with my clipped fingernails. I had no energy left to fight with the voice in my head, today she could win.
“You deserve it honey, you deserve it.” Esmee said firmly yet gently. “Trust me.”
And I did…
Friday, 3 February 2012
Hi guys, sorry no story here just want to check in on everyone and see how they are.
I will be writing more soon so lots of uodates but right now i am updating back story and making it better! i can not belive how diffrent it is from my first draft. I think it is better though.
So brings me to a question, has everybody who wants it got a copy of my updated back story up to a chapter called the wishes and the reality? if not let me know and i will see what i can do.
love vikki
I will be writing more soon so lots of uodates but right now i am updating back story and making it better! i can not belive how diffrent it is from my first draft. I think it is better though.
So brings me to a question, has everybody who wants it got a copy of my updated back story up to a chapter called the wishes and the reality? if not let me know and i will see what i can do.
love vikki
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
puking is... (Mi's side)
Puking is…
“All right honey, it’s all right.” Esmee whispered gently crouching down beside me next to the toilet looping one arm around my shoulder and the other one around my throbbing waist helping me to stay propped against the toilet when all I really wanted to do was collapse down on to the floor because it hurt everything hurt. I wanted to sleep, I wanted to stop, I wanted to take my own advice for once in my life and let it rest now but I just couldn’t like two similar poles of a magnet could never join together.
Looking away from Esmee’s face with a grunt and I whimper I jammed my fingers back down my thought again and waited for her to restrain me or give me the usual staff patient show down talk “Stop or we’ll stop you, calm down or we’ll stop you, take control or we’ll control it for you… blaugh, blaugh, blaugh.
“oh honey that must be really painful.” Esmee whispered sweetly as more bile hit the bottom of the toilet and Esmee tightened the grip around my stomach more as it continued to heave and gag towards my mouth. “I’m holding you tightly so your stomach wont hurt so much,” Esmee said sweetly. “Your body’s had enough and it’s telling you to stop and that’s why it’s hurting,” Esmee explained, like she was explaining an equation on an homework sheet and not the laws of Bulimia.
Crying now I pushed my fingers once again heard into my throat making the pain boil in the rest of my body, “For god sake Esmee just restrain me all ready,” I sobbed trying to cram my fingers into my thought again as the last attempt had produced nothing but dry heaves. “I can’t stop, I can’t stop.”
“You can stop sweaty, you can, I know it is bloody hard but you do have that power inside you somewhere, you can stop you have to pull your self away from the toilet and sit and breath for a bit and I know you can do it. Esmee said strongly even though her face winced as I plunged in my slick wet back into my mouth and don, further, harder more vishos keeping it there no matter how much it hurt until green and red burst from my mouth
“but puking will make it better, puking makes me clean and pure and polished and white, puking will make it stop!” I shouted at Esmee sobbing loudly, “Puking will make it right and Bella will breath and live if I just keep puking! It’s divine it’s good. Puking makes me happy, puking…”
“ simply makes her cry…”
“All right honey, it’s all right.” Esmee whispered gently crouching down beside me next to the toilet looping one arm around my shoulder and the other one around my throbbing waist helping me to stay propped against the toilet when all I really wanted to do was collapse down on to the floor because it hurt everything hurt. I wanted to sleep, I wanted to stop, I wanted to take my own advice for once in my life and let it rest now but I just couldn’t like two similar poles of a magnet could never join together.
Looking away from Esmee’s face with a grunt and I whimper I jammed my fingers back down my thought again and waited for her to restrain me or give me the usual staff patient show down talk “Stop or we’ll stop you, calm down or we’ll stop you, take control or we’ll control it for you… blaugh, blaugh, blaugh.
“oh honey that must be really painful.” Esmee whispered sweetly as more bile hit the bottom of the toilet and Esmee tightened the grip around my stomach more as it continued to heave and gag towards my mouth. “I’m holding you tightly so your stomach wont hurt so much,” Esmee said sweetly. “Your body’s had enough and it’s telling you to stop and that’s why it’s hurting,” Esmee explained, like she was explaining an equation on an homework sheet and not the laws of Bulimia.
Crying now I pushed my fingers once again heard into my throat making the pain boil in the rest of my body, “For god sake Esmee just restrain me all ready,” I sobbed trying to cram my fingers into my thought again as the last attempt had produced nothing but dry heaves. “I can’t stop, I can’t stop.”
“You can stop sweaty, you can, I know it is bloody hard but you do have that power inside you somewhere, you can stop you have to pull your self away from the toilet and sit and breath for a bit and I know you can do it. Esmee said strongly even though her face winced as I plunged in my slick wet back into my mouth and don, further, harder more vishos keeping it there no matter how much it hurt until green and red burst from my mouth
“but puking will make it better, puking makes me clean and pure and polished and white, puking will make it stop!” I shouted at Esmee sobbing loudly, “Puking will make it right and Bella will breath and live if I just keep puking! It’s divine it’s good. Puking makes me happy, puking…”
“ simply makes her cry…”
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