Another battle for another day (Mi's side)

Another battle for another day

“You have no idea how much I have longed to here you say that,” Emmet smiled, his eyes almost looking misty as he looked over at me and grabbed my hand into his; giving it a squeeze. I had made him happy. Really happy and it hadn’t taken the state of perfection I was always looking for. It had taken nothing more then an attitude, however what made one happy made the other mad and I had to wince as Sophie exploded inside of my mind. She didn’t talk to me she just screamed like I had physically picked her up and dropped her into a vat of burning lava. And through that scream I could feel her pain inside me. The twisting of her limbs, the burning of her skin. I was letting the biggest part of me go. With out her what was left of me?

“I can’t do it,” I moaned screwing my eyes shut. “I wont to but I haven’t got a chance have I, really? She will never let me go.”

“Mi, Sophie isn’t real. I know she can feel it at times and for a while separating her from yourself is a very good way of trying to fight her, but now your almost there, your looking at the finishing line and it’s time to make her part of you again. Sophie is someone you made up inside your head. She doesn’t control you or what you eat and she doesn’t tell you you’re fat. It’s all you. You stop yourself from eating. You tell yourself that you’re fat. Sophie was just someone to blame, but now you have to look within your self to become stronger and ask your self what’s the real reason you stopped eating and now find it so heard to start again, because if you look deep enough you know that you didn’t arrive to this unit fat and that the weight you are now, the weight that you fort everyone over, is a lot healthier for you.”

“I know, I know,” I shouted holding my hands up in surrender as the inside of Emmet’s car started to spin around me from the heat that was building inside of my head and nausea that made it heard for me to breath with out puking. He was right. I had known it all along but admitting it aloud was too much. My head was screaming, my heart was melting and it felt like I was dying as the metal box around me seemed to restrict closer and closer inwards like a boa constrictor around a mouse.

“All right, all right Mi. We have reached your barrier of what you can deal with here and now we have to bring it back slowly to something manageable.” Emmet said calmly opening his window to let the cold December breeze in to ease my burning skin. “Take some deep breaths,” Emmet instructed calmly, putting his hand on my shoulder as and turning me around to look at him. I tried to keep my eyes looking anywhere apart from his. They would kill me instantly, the liquid jade solidifying my blood and freezing my soul

“Mi, look at me.” I refused. “Mi, look at me, it’s OK. It’s going to be Ok.” My heart told my eyes to move. My head forced them to dart around unable to focus on anything else. “Mi, look at me.” My heart won and my eyes shot up to meet his and braced my self for the pain but instead, everything became slower. The metal crushing walls backed away. My thoughts that had flared up like angry waves began to retreat. “Deep breaths.”

I inhaled deeply twice as I curled my fingers around the fabric of his jacket he was wearing concentrating with my head on how his chest pushed my hands away so easily from him and then pulled them back in. Deep, solid and easy. A beating drum in perfect rhythm.

“That’s a good girl. You’re doing so well. Keep going.” I forced the air into my lungs slowly until it felt like they would burst then let it out trying to follow Emmet’s pattern of breathing slowly. Each breath pushing the anorexia oblivion further and further away until it was just in the distance. Not gone exactly, but no longer crushing. Just another battle for another day.