(Mi) A part of Esmee

A part of Esmee

Mi

Puking made nothing better. It made everything hurt but it was all that I had in the world right then and I needed to comfort myself in some way, anyway even if my chosen method made the world spin around me and my eyes water in discomfort even if it would kill me I had to make it better meaning I was well and truly stuck in the middle.

Over and over again I pushed my fingers into the back of my throat and watched as green and orange splashed over the side of the toilet bowl making it dirty. I didn’t even live with them yet and I was messing up their breathtakingly beautiful house and that was all I would ever do, be a pain in their side a stain on one of their polished wood floors. I heard that blood and vomit was a bitch to get out.

“Now I know I’m not a nurse Mi but I assume that you’re not meant to be doing that.” Liz said opening the door of the bathroom. I saw her cringe and her noise wrinkle up at the sour smell that hung in the air in thick orange clouds. I ignored her anyway and pushed on. I didn’t want to I know all future judgment of me would rest on this moment. She wanted to see if I was good enough for her daughter and now she would find out I wasn’t.

More vomit splashed up against the side of the toilet pan as I pushed my fingers in further and I yelped at the pain it caused. The pain hurt but it was OK, it would bring me some salvation at the end of it all even if it was to get the dirty feeling out from inside of me.

“Nope didn’t like watching it when Esmee used to do it, still don’t like watching it now.” Liz said cringing but coming closer anyway before crouching down next to me and pulling my slimy fingers out of my mouth and down towards her sides. “I won’t let you hurt yourself Mi; I can’t, not after watching Esmee for so long. You mean more then you will ever know, to all of us.”

“But they did this all for me!” I shouted at Liz making her jump startled at my sudden outburst. They got me all of this stuff and made my room look like something from a fairy tale. It’s purple with wooden flowers and shiny things and I’m black and jagged and dull! I don’t deserve all of this! My own mother didn’t even do this She just shoved me in a room on a second hand bed and beat the shit out of me if I moaned!” I screeched crying hard into the back of my hands.

“But that’s not how it should be Mi. Just because that is the way it was doesn’t mean that it is right. Esmee and Emmet look after all of their foster children like this and even if they have made an extra special effort for you why not? You’re her baby sister. She’s bringing you home. All she wants is you to have the life that you deserved all along. That place and that woman that has hurt you so much are a part of your past now and it never does pay to spend your whole life looking back when the view is so good up ahead.” Liz said gently pulling my trembling body up off of the floor by my elbow and leading me out of the living room back into my grand looking bedroom before she flumped her body down onto the bed making the soft looking mattress bounce and relaxed her head against the head board. She held her arm out to the side and gestured for me to go and sit next to her. “Come on Mi I’m mum I’m not going to hurt you.”

Mum, the word meant nothing to me. Mum wasn’t the character that most people saw as a mother. She never rocked me to sleep as a child or cheered me on at a sports day. She never said I was her perfect little girl and she never put plasters against my cuts and bruises. She had made all my cuts she had and she told me that I was a worthless piece of shit that was no good for her or anyone else. She was meant to protect me but she just watched as her playthings raped me over and over and sold me out as a sex toy because now and again he would throw her a cheap pair of earing’s. The word mum meant nothing to me apart from hurt and pain. She certainly wasn’t someone to trust.

“Ok, I’m Liz mum, not mum, mum, I’m part of Esmee I am safe.”

Part of Esmee, Sweetness and love, the one who put plasters on my cuts the one who rocked me to sleep and the one who made it better in so many ways.     Part of Esmee part of perfection.

Sighing and exhausted I allowed myself to sink down into the mattress, the soft bedding creasing the creases in my skin, I could have curled up and slept there for days not moving or wanting for anything but the dreams that would come for they would be of perfection of soft velvet rivers of crushed blue, of peace of love, of Esmee and Emmet.

“That’s a good girl.” Liz said gently as I let my head fall onto the pillows and she put her arm around my shoulders, the edge of her fingers brushing through the tips of my hair. “I used to do this with Esmee all the time when she was your age. Well it’s been a while but I love it.” I smiled gently moaning slightly to myself, she sounded like Esmee, and she felt like Esmee and without meaning to I let my eyelids close.