(Mi) Ava was wrong

Ava was wrong.

Edward reacted as I imagine he would and got to his knees in seconds trying to negotiate his rather long legs and the tables as he tried to get closer to my hidden ball. I had hoped, stupid as it was, he might have not noticed my sudden collapse and roll from the chair or at least ignored it completely and went about acting normal, there was nothing he could do anyway, there was no one in the grounds of Apple gate house that could make it better right then. The only two people who had a tiny chance were currently both off shift at the same time ( a rare occurrence) and  were residing somewhere in Newway close, either sleeping in or pulling ancient boxes of Christmas decorations down from there attic to cover the walls with primary colours. Emmet had promised me that Esmee went over the top for Christmas and decorated every square inch of the house. She claimed it was for Mia and Emmet pointed out that Mia had only seen two Christmas and she had been turning their house into a grotto ever since they had lived together. I had nothing to do with Christmas, it would come and it would go for all I cared and it never made me happy or jolly if anything it hurt more. The whole world was pretending to smile on December the 25^th. I had never found the way to make myself believe in it even though I wanted to. It would have been nice to believe that one day could grant peace on earth and that no one would hurt one another but I didn’t.  I could also remember the effort my mother put into it, and Christmas was the one thing she did try for. We covered tress in old balls and tinsel and watched the Christmas films on the telly while opening one door each day to an advent calendar and they were good memory’s that I would hold on to, but I also just as easily remembered Christmases for waking up on the bathroom floor in a puddle of blood streaked vomit and bleeding wrists and a mother passed out on the sofa after she found the bottle of Vodka again.

“Edward what are you doing trying to crawl under the table?” Jean asked as I saw her crocs enter into the dining room followed by a holy pair of messed up white trainers, complete with penned on skulls and lightning bolts just before Edward managed to shimmy his body in next to mine fully bumping his head in the process. My heart thudded in my chest in pounds and flutters not able to keep a rhythm and my stomach swirled the brown glue around in a protest, Connor was once again in the same room as me close enough so I could reach out and touch one of his feet which I had an odd urge to do yet he was also far away.  Just form his voice I could tell he was coming back to the unit as someone different from the person that left.

I counted… In Twelve’s.

 “I am having some time out with Mi,” Edward said answering Jeans question like having time out under tables was the most normal thing in the world. Jean on the other hand was either genius enough or stupid enough to pick out the obvious flaw to his answer.

“Ummm, and why is Mi under the table?”

“Why not be under the table?” Edward responded casually with just the slightest hint of sarcasm in his tone. I doubt he really wanted to be under the table and in all honesty I didn’t really have any desire to be there either but something unknown to me had sent me there. Maybe it had promised me some sort of invisibility. Maybe if I could stay still enough I could shrink into it and disappear. For the last few months I had been becoming more used to the physical space that I took up in the world, I still hated myself, loathed what I was and what I had the potential of becoming  but excepted that I was in fact there, now I was back to square one. I was a large mass in a place I didn’t belong and I simply wanted to disappear without worry or trace.

“Mi’s still here?” Connors voice was different for a few seconds, back to its normal self as he said my name and my insides burned angrily in a feeling that I could never place my finger on. It was the Connor feeling, the one that took me when he was near; the fire on my muscles and orangs and the electricity on my skin that drew me towards his. I held my breath scared that he would bend down and look at me yet secretly hoping he would do the same thing.

“Connor if you get under that table you realise there is no way I am coming in there after you.” I heard Jean warn. Her words spurred me into action again my body taking off before my mind had really told it to do so and before I knew it I was out from under the table and in the middle of the open room right in the line of Connors gaze, his eyes examining all the contours of my body making it feel like it was blistering from the inside out. I could have screamed if I hadn’t felt so sick. I would have been sick if I didn’t want to scream so much. I grabbed one of the chairs with a sticky hand to try and steady my jelly like legs and tried to keep my eyes away from his face and onto his feet even though an invisible force tried to pull them upwards.

“You didn’t expect to see you,” Connor said his voice changing again into his new manner, making me wish I had stayed under the table. “I though you would have killed yourself by now. You were so hell bent on it.” It was such an anti-Connor thing to say said in such an anti-Conner tone that I felt the blow of hit me somewhere just under my ribs. It was cold and spiteful something Crystal would have said under her breath as she passed you in the Corridor. It was not out of concern or petty that he so casually mentioned my suicide. It was like he was disappointed that I stood in front of him now no longer as broken as he could remember.

Without wanting to I shot him a look with my burning eyes and got caught off guard by what stared back at me. His eyes were shallow and burnt out, cold and out of place, hardened from the liquid universe to a village of one man out to destroy it just because he could. The blow this time almost made me sick.

“Who are you?” I asked the new Connor, my eyes floating down over his body to try and find a trace of the boy that had kissed me so gently.

“What?” Connor snapped and I flinched away as he throw his hands into the air while taking a step forward making Edward jump close in to my side in seconds, a protective arm in front of my chest and tummy. I thought I had been insane to jump to the conclusion that Connor was going to actually try and hit me, that nobody could change from what he had been to what he was now but apparently I wasn’t the only one by Edwards’s reaction. My skin froze over as fast as it had blistered.

“I don’t care what Ava says,” I moaned out to Edward and Jean as I tried to regain my balance without the aid of the chair, “That is not Connor.”

I bolted from the room.