My love lies lost, so they sent me
his ghost
Mi
My swallowing
reflex suddenly went away and I spluttered making most of the water I had been
sipping on exit out of my nose to cover the clean top that I had put on that
morning. No one was remotely interested that Connor was coming back really. He would be another face at the dinner table
and another body in a room in a place that never ever stood still, not even to
catch its breath or to remember the fallen. I wouldn’t of cared either but I
remembered his smell and the way he felt; his ancient eyes.
“Ok guys,
let’s call time,” Ava shouted clapping her hands twice to snap all the faces
that had gathered to stare at the freak girl again away before I had time to
turn a delicious shad of beetroot. “It’s
Friday so feel free to go where you want but I would like to see as many as you
back here for 10 so we can start to put of some Christmas decorations Only 12
days until the big guy comes.”
All the
chairs around the table scraped out instantaneously with an all-round groaning.
Ava must have been in her late twenty’s or early thirty’s but the truth is she
had such a childish presence about her it wouldn’t have surprised me if she
still believed in Santa and her mother left a stocking outside her door. I
could not judge her though. In fact I found myself smiling at her as she rolled
her eyes at the groaning and slipped from the table to go about sorting things
out.
“Are you all
right?” Edward asked entering back into the room after he and the entire table
had taken their plates to the dish washer except for me, even though my pate
had vanished as well as the rest of them leaving the milk splashed Formica
table clear. “I thought you were right behind me. Well you know the drill half
an hour with me and you free to go.”
“Puke
patrol,” I muttered under my breath just loud enough so Edward could hear it
which made him smile. At least the times of after meal observation were
reducing now. When I had been admitted it had been an hour to three at nurse’s
discretion now it was half an hour to an hour at nurse’s discretion. They trusted me more now, believed that I did
not feel anorexia’s power as much, believed that I had changed completely and
maybe they were right, things felt different normally even if right then
nothing felt at all; a numb buzzing sucking anything sensory out of the air
around me. I would have made myself sick right then if I could remember how or
why I would want to or how it made me hurt inside. I would have liked the pain
right then.
“You need
some help Mi? That was a toughie this morning but you did well. Do you want a
little walk around the unit grounds; see if we can maybe banish some of the bad
feelings?”
Bad feelings,
bad feelings would have at least made some sense. I could have worked with
anger or sadness even if it meant freaking out completely. At least there was
reaction to them. For so long in my life I had tried to induce numbness but
never quite managed to completely obliterate the feelings that made me human,
even when I thought I had managed it there must have always been something left
because I was still aware of the fact that I was real. Now I wasn’t even sure
whether I had a pulse or weather I would bleed if I was cut.
“All right
honey you’re obviously working through some big stuff right now and me
pestering you won’t help so I’m going to leave you to it. I’m still going to be
here though so just holler if you want anything.”
“I want to
get out of here,” I whispered, not sure if I was responding to Edward or trying
to encourage my body to flee from the situation. Maybe if I wasn’t stuck
somewhere inside the same four walls that crushed and contained me I could work
out weather I was actually still alive or not.
“Ok how about
a walk around the grounds?” Edward asked again rising to his feet just as a
slightly raised disgruntled voice arrived into the hallway outside the door making Edward stop what he
was doing to listen along with me. My ears pricked up at the familiar voice
that shot my heart rate up from ice cold and dead to pounding at a hundred
beats per minute out of my chest. Fires somehow setting ice alight inside my
head
“Jean I know
the rules and you can drop the shit. I wasted a whole year of my life in this
shit hole and guessed what I screwed up again so I have come back for some more
punishment. I know the alarms, the fire exits and the bloody meal time rotas!
They haunt me when I sleep I know them so well, just give me a brake be quite
and do whatever you have to do when conduction stupid amber observations that I
still protest that I don’t need.” Connors voice growled different from the
velvet tones I still remembered sliding over my body. Estranged form the
somewhat quiet boy that left the unit with his mother while staff nurse’s
supported my crumbling body. He was angry now, harsh and sarcastic like the world
had wronged him and he was fed up, His words so sharp the tore strips into my
heart and made my eyes water.
“Connor, I am
well aware that you are a re-admission and you feel that you do not need to be
back here in our care but Doctor Jordan feels a little differently
and he is in charge so what he says must go for now. Re-admission or not I have
to go over the rules and health and safety things to make sure you are safe and
aware of them. I understand this is hard…”
“You all say
that but actually none of you have any idea at all! My friends are getting
girlfriends and getting laid and having party’s and getting so drunk they don’t
remember their own names and I’m in here being told when to eat drink, shower
and talk and it’s just bullshit!
“Connor…”
“Don’t Connor
Me you stupid…”
Feeling
flooded back in and all at once I realised why numbness was a blessing because suddenly
everything hurt so much I had no choice but to roll off of my chair and crawl
to the corner under the table where I could screw myself up in to a ball and
rock. The Connor I had loved, who pressed his number into the palms of my hand
and stroked my hair was lost forever and they had sent back his ghost to haunt
me.
Great updates :) x
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