Can i have a miracle?

Can I have a miracle?

I got back to the car just inside my twenty minutes after spending a good ten minutes on a bench outside of the teddy bear shop trying to calm my breath as it vibrated uncomfortably in my chest. I could have done it there and then a few small cuts. One for the pain, one for the anxiety, one for the joy. Just small cuts would have done no arteries needed to be breached. No stitches needed for the skin. I just wanted to see the blood. I wanted to know that I was truly me. Alive on this day at this year and going… home.

“Good timing. Two minutes to spare and all in one peace. Well done. Did you have fun?” Emmet asked. I nodded not trusting myself with words. It would have been easy to scream at them in that moment. I already felt on the verge of a full blown panic attack as my body trembled. Esmee’s eyes grew suspicious as she looked back over the car seat while I slipped myself into the back seat of the car.  

“Are you Ok?” I nodded again still not trusting speech but I made my gestures more enthusiastic. I swallowed hard at the nausea that come from panic and lying to someone who would have never lied to me.

Esmee scowled at me her eyebrows coming into meet at the middle. “Are you safe?”

“Yep all good just out of breath a bit. It’s the weather,” I said in a rush realizing that being mute wasn’t really going to be an option if I didn’t want to alert them. I also smiled showing my teeth even though it hurt to. I was so desperate to give up the blades to them I wanted to go back in time and un-buy them but I couldn’t I just wanted them so much. Just to be there just so I could own them. They were so oddly appealing to me. Like diamonds

.

Emmet Jumped out of the driving seat of the car before I had done talking and jumped in the back seat next to me

“Move seat Es big legs here,” He chirped as his les come up to hit his chin before Esmee slid her seat forward. And he relaxed fumbling around in his pocket for something. “Deep breaths Mi,” he said finding my blue inhaler.

I didn’t need it, My asthma was fine my chest wasn’t tight and I wasn’t wheezing but it was a good excuse for my fast breathing and I played along taking the inhaler twice. Emmet put his hand on my leg as he watched my chest rise and fall intently. I tried to calm myself. It was ok if I didn’t use the blade I would just be the stronger one and it wasn’t like I was trying to kill myself I wasn’t even certain I was going to harm myself. They were just there.

“Better?” He asked.

“Lots.” I said almost successfully pretending to myself that what I done was ok. “Thanks for that. I got what I needed. I’m ready for Christmas now.”

“Good well let’ get you home I know Mia is looking forward to seeing you and Esmee’s mum is going to be exhausted looking after her and a baby. She isn’t used to it,” Emmet laughed and I smiled. It had to be Ok after all it was Christmas and miracles happened.