Puddle to sedate, Life in a movie, The real monster in sophie, the fight for my soul. (Mi's side of the story)

Once again i appologize about the strang lay out. My blopg hates me :-(




Puddle to sedate.


It took me a while to do what Sophie asked of me. It had been a long time since I had made my self sick at all let alone made my self sick with out the aide of being bent over and forcing my finger back my throat however it was also like riding a bike and it took a mater of minutes before the vomit was gushing up my throat and out of my mouth down over my top and Esmee’s restraining hands and clogging my wind pipe as well so I started chocking.

“Ok…Ok.” Esmee said letting go of my restraint and leaning my body forward So I could vomited more cloudy liquid and bile onto the floor in front of me where it splattered up my trouser legs. The tears also dripped off of my nose to splash onto the floor as well but the panic had stopped now and Sophie seemed more sedated now that the calories where out of me and on to the floor In a puddle of bile and calorie boasting drink.  


Life in a movie
Things became fuzzy very quickly after I threw up another time onto the floor. Esmee and Emmet where talking to me gently and I could feel Esmee’s gentle hands rubbing up and down on my back but they seemed to be less intense then usual. Less passionte.

My whole world seemed to collapsed into a slow motion dream sequence like you saw on crappy medical dramas when you saw a doctor pumping on an uncharacteristically beautiful girls chest and she had floated up to the ceiling out of her own body to watch it all happen. To see her own Strangly romantic picture of her death. Where was the vomit and the blood? the sweet and the tears? The sickning snaps as the doctor brok every on her her ribs?

I tried to blink my eyes out of staring onto the floor but they seemed to react in the same slow motion and the tears that dripped out of them eolled to the ground bellow me like gracefull danchers  before they landed and bang seemed to echo around the whole room liek thunder.

Then I looked up much to slowly then I would of liked and I saw her dancing around like a pixie or fairy over the other side of the room, jumping up and down betwwen the floor and the white surfaces.


The real monster in Sophie
I of course new realistically that I was hallucinating but on there other hand every tiny bit of this perfect slim ebony haired girl tried to make me think that she was really there. She was to solid to be something that my brain could make up but I also new Sophie belonged only to me and my head alone.

I had seen tiny bits of Sophie before but she was always hazy, always foggy round the edges like she new as well as I did that she didn’t really belong to this world but here she was real. Like she had broken through the barrier of reality it's self to clame me. Every detail precise, right up to the way her chest rose and fell as she breathed and the microscopic hairs on her arms.

Sophie was stunning to behold like this it seemed almost to impossible that my brain could make up such a beauty. Her hair was the darkest Ebony black that hanged straight and shiny mid way down to her back. Her conplection was tanned a sun kissed golden the made her skin almost look like it glowed and her face was just stunning. Her eyes a smouldering hazel. Her nose just the right size to hang over her plump perfect lips however even though she had all of this it was her body that was what stunned me the most. It was more perfect then I thought any body could be. She was so thin there where no lumps, no bumps no flaws at all. Just amazing perfection. The vishion of beauty not even a glossy mag could manage with hours of air brushing.

“I can make you like this Mia. I can give you all this. I can make you so stunning. I can make you pretty. I can make you perfect”  Sophie cooed as she twisted her body around to some music that was inaudible to me jumping from the counters to the ground showing every perfect inch of her perfection.

“but I am never good enough for you Sophie.” I sighed

“That’s because you are still so fucking fat you bitch!”  Sophie snapped back her face suddenly less pretty, now angry,  Furious


“You are fat Mia! you are Ugly and you are stupid who could ever want you who could ever love you?” 

 Sophie roared her face contorting and turning red in her rage and like that Sophie changed in front of my eyes her body twisting and bubbling and contorting into something different, something evil, something dark and terrifying and they only thing I could do was open my mouth and scream and scream and scream.


The fight for my soul
 “Mi, Mi! Look at me baby! Look at me! It’s me It’s Esmee. What’s the matter? where is it hurting? What can I do? Mi please talk to me!”

Esmee was the first face I saw interrupt the monster in front of my eyes and she was screaming almost as loud as me her face streaked wither her own panicked tears and more fell out of her eyes as she shouted.

Esmee like before had come to save me. Come to protect me come as the light to brake through the darkness that unfolded and twisted all around me. Come to protect everything I was and everything I could be. She was my angel

“Esmee!” I yelled suddenly able to find the power of speech again “Oh my god Esmee!” I shouted again launching my self forward and wrapping my arms around her as tight as they would and screwing my hands up into the fabric of her long sleeve blouse and into the skin underneath before burying my face into her chest like some small five year old.
“Esmee I’m scared!” I wailed my tears coming hard and fast vibrating through my whole body before making there escape through my mouth and eyes.

“It all right Honey. I got you, your Ok. I’m here and your safe. No one can hurt you. We wont let any one or anything hurt you.” Esmee soothed holding me tighter into her and rocking me side to side rethmicly in her arms like she was trying to sooth a baby, and in a way I suppose that was what I was right then. I was as terrified as any baby, absolutely petrified at what I had witnessed and I was hurting to. Like something had reached into my chest and dragged out my heart and there was nothing but the emptiness. A void like a black hole that could suck in the stars and they sky and my entire world and I new I had to keep holding on to the only thing that couldn’t be budged by the blackness and the hatred and that was Esmee.

Esmee was everything that the black hole wasn’t. Esmee was everythying that i always thought Sophie was to me. She was sweetness and warmth and light. She was kindness and she was hope and joy and comfort and I new at that moment she was fighting Sophie for my Liberty. She was fighting for my very soul.

Laptop is back and ready to go

As Promised there will be a stream of new updates now my laptop is feeling all shinny and new again.
I hope you all like i am not really sure about the above chapters? What do you think? to wiered?

laptop trouble.

I am sorry i now have laptop trouble. I knocked one of the keys off of the keybord and aparantly it is going to take them to the 20th december to repair the bloody thing. I am really not happy. I adore my laptop. Any way seemes my laptop is where i write andf save my story there is going to be a considarable drop in the updates to my storys. Saying that i hope to still do a few.

I do hope every one stays intrested over this time and i will start writng as soonn as i can.
Thank you.

Sophie's instructions. (Mi's side)

Sophie’s instructions.
“Mia how exactly do you think crying is going to help! They don’t care if you cry they just want to make you fat fight them off don’t let them do it to you!”
No No No.” I shouted wriggling my body so hard up against Esmee’s arms that I thought my ribs might actually crack under the pressure as Esmee tightened her grip on me and braced her my back closer up against her body. I thrashed out my legs trying to kick Emmet in the crouch which he elegantly ducked and carried on syringing the cloudy liqued down the tube in my nose.

“I don’t fucking want it!” I yelled violently trying to shake my head away from him but Esmee some how had managed to stop me from moving my head as well.

“I don’t want it! I don’t want it.” I screamed again so loudly the nose became raspy in the back of my throat and it felt so sore it felt like there was someone in there with glass slashing at it. “I don’t want it!” I sobbed struggling once more before coming to rest in her arms again, the huge tear drops splattered on my red face along with the snot and the dribble. I looked like a three year old having a tantrum or a three year old that had just fell off of her bike and everything hurt them. The problem was the desperation and the pain was the same I needed them to stop like the three year old needed the new doll and I hurt like I had just fallen off of my bike and grazed all of my knees.

“Shhhh, Shhhh. It Ok it all right honey it will be over soon. Just focus on my voice and take deep breaths.” Esmee soothed into my ear trying to calm me down trying to make the pain go away and I wanted to listen I wanted to stop fighting but I told Sophie that I would do anything and I meant it. I had to stop them making me fat.
“Mia every minute you rest they are making you fatter you cow! Do you want to get even fatter! No one will love you when you are fat Mia! Try harder much, much, much harder.”

I struggled again not wanting to let down Sophie not wanting her to leave me but once again I failed to get away from Esmee and Emmet they where just to strong for me.

“There to strong!” I wailed out loud to Sophie before I could stop it. I was tired and terrified and I didn’t know what else I could do.
“Mia you are a bad person, you should be able to fight them away if you really wanted to be thin you would but if you are to week to be thin think of the other way. That tube goes into your stomach idiot, puke it up. Go on do it now right over both of them that will teach them top try and make you fat! Or are you to scared fat little piggy. Do you like being so fat! Do you like being so ugly!”

just a question

Hi there

On RYL when i was writing this i always tried to edit out numbers and tips and things when thgey where written in the story vecause it was against the rules. On this site however i have  not been doing so mostly becasue there is no rule saying that i have to. What i was thinking though was if people wanted me to i could start doing that again any how if people whould like such a thing to make it less trigering to read or somthing like that. Any way let me know your feeling on this.

Thanks Vikki

Conversations with Sophie (Mi's side)

I do not have an eating disorder so i can not pretend i know anything about it but i would imagine that this chapter will be very very triggering and upseting to any one that has. please me EXTRA safe with your self befor reading this.
thank you.



Conversations with Sophie

“I told you this would happen Mia. I told you! You stopped listening to me and now look! Look at your body look at that fat! I told you I would make you thin but you gave in! So tell me how it feels! Tell me how it feels to me so fat.”

“ not good.”


“You bought this on your self of course Mia. You ate all that food. I told you what you could eat! I told you how many calories you could have and you didn’t listen to me! I told you no more then 250 a day but you throw that in my face and you ate! You ate you fat ugly cow!"

“Sophie, I am sorry.”


“I was your only friend Mia, I told you that. I was the only one you could trust. I was going to make you thin and beautiful and perfect. I was going to make people love you again but who could love you now who could love all that fat?"

“What about Emmet and Esmee?”


“Don’t make me laugh! You think they really care about you? They don’t care about you Mia. Look what they have done to you! They are the ones that have made you this fat! They are the ones the undone all are hard work. You would of made it with me. We would of got there, now look at you. You fat little piggy. I should leave you and then you would be alone, then you would have no one!”

“Sophie no I am really sorry. Please don’t leave me! I will try harder! I will do whatever you want me to do!”


“Well there is no use crying now you stupid fat cow! You are the one that did all the damage. You are the one that let them feed you! You are the one that opened that fat little gob of yours and swallowed all of that stuff! I told you not to I told you to throw it up but you never listened to me and now you are fat! I should let you get even bigger !”

“No! No! I will never not listen to you again Sophie. I will do anything you want me to do just help me get thin! Help me please! Don’t leave me I will do anything you want me to do.”


“Including Emmet and Esmee? Will you betray them for me? I can’t help you when they are there Mia. It is me or them. Will you hurt them Mia. What will you do to be thin? There can’t be any one else Mia. I am your only friend in the world you can’t trust any one but me to help you.”

“I will hurt them! I will do anything. They are nothing compared to you. You are my only friend. You are the only one I can trust.”


“Good girl Mia. I will help you I will make you perfect and pretty and I will make you thin you fat cow.”

“Thank you.”


“Well you better way sort your self out . Lets make this the last period you have. I will make you thin starting now. No breakfast for the fat piggy. Do what ever you can but not one calorie must pass your lips. Not for a long time. I will tell you when you can eat again. You must remember Mia no food taste as good as thin feels.”

“I know. I won’t lat you down again.”

Oh great i was wrong, thing so change (Mi's side)

Oh great I was wrong, things do change

I think this chapter is OK but it could be considered graphic so as always safty first please.

Still angry at what I saw I turned around and grabbed my forever growing toiletry bag from the side of my room and walked out the door into the corridor. “Morning Mi” I stopped and span round looking up the corridor into the nurses station and smiled. These where the two voices that I had come to want to here in the morning. Every time they weren’t there I hated it. The trouble was I hated feeling like that. I should not feel that attached to two nurses.

“Emmet, Esmee.” I mumbled just loud enough so they could here me before putting my head down and heading up the corridor into the bathroom.”

“Are you feeling OK Mi?.” Esmee asked

“I’m OK.” I nodded pausing before I went into the bathroom.

“Do you want him or me for breakfast?” Esmee asked again lightly punching Emmet playfully on the side of his arm and unleashing the devastating power of one of her smiles on me so I had no choice other then to smile back at her.

“Like I care.” I said suppressing a laugh before closing the bathroom door behind me and locking the door.

Throwing my toiletry bag down next to the toilet I checked the lock a further two times before using the toilet Of course that was when It happened. When normality had to be shattered into a thousand pieces. There in my underwear and in the toilet bowl was something I had not seen in a long time. Something I never really wanted to see again. They would say this was a good moment but of course I new better. This was a sign that the feeding tube and all the Damn Ensure was doing what they had all wanted it to do. I had lost the controle I had lost the battle. They had made me fat. The red sticky blood that was soaked into my underwear proved that.

Nothing changes regardless (Mi's side)

Nothing changes regardless

The next morning I woke up to find my self in Dream with the same light dancing over my face and the same noises from the little corridor that I had walked up a thousand times. The same pictures of tabby kittens in cups and Pug puppy’s in boots greeted me from the walls and my hips hurt the same from where they rubbed on the corners of the mattress. Down stares the familiar clangs and smashes of plates and cutlery could be heard from members of staff setting up the breakfast table. I didn’t know what I was expecting but nothing had changed. Meaning good moments meant nothing.

Sighing and cranky from my broken nights sleep of nightmares I heaved my heavy body out of the bed and pulled back the curtains. At this time of the morning and at night was when I hated the Unit most. These where the times when the car park was empty and the lights where off in the out patients building next door. At night was when the amber security lights blinked from on top of the gates the brightest suggesting something scary lurked inside and in the mornings the birds sang from the tree tops before speeding their wings and flying away over the fences and alarms that kept the rest of us trapped inside like brutal dogs in a cage. To dangerous to mix with the “real” people in the “real” word.

Wrapping my self up tight in my dressing gown and shivering I glanced in the mirror at my face. My tube had moved in the night and I had been bleeding from that nostril so I now had a scummy dried layer of blood down to my bottom lip. My Hair had taking a battering from the tossing and turnings if my nightmares and of course I still had the white scare to remind me that not all nightmares where just confined to when I slept.

Frustrated with my reflection I yanked the tube back over my ear and smoothed down the tape to the side of my face before yanking my fingers through my hair pulling out a fair amount into my hands.

“Ugly fat bitch.” I moaned licking my finger and scraping at the dried blood on my face.
“Ugly, fat, dumb, stupid bitch.” a spat at my reflection once more before reaching out my hand and clawing the reflection in front of me hoping that somehow I would actually claw at my face. No nothing changed regardless of good moments. I was still fat, dumb Ugly Mi.

Damn writers block and a huge thank you

I have a damn writers block. I have my mind ticking over but there are many ways to go and my brain hurts. I just want to let every oen know that i haven't given up i'm just stuck.

Coincadently i think theis book is over 100 A4 pages long now! What iks more amazing is that you are all still here reading it. Some of you more then once!


You all say that i am amazing for writing this but you are all more amazing for reading it, thank you so much!!

What lengths to seize controle, (Emmet's side)

What lengths to seize control

I didn’t react right away to Mi hoping that she was going to get back in control of her self like she was trying to do but as the retching got louder and more people began to look I decided it was time to intervene before she vomited into her pasta.

“Come on Mi” I said gently sighing to my self while I squeezed her leg gently under the table to encourage her to move. “Come on honey.”

“Slowly Mi untangled her shaking body from the table and got to her feet still retching red faced and embraced into her un-plastered hand her eyes glinting with tears.

Eager to get her out of the room I grabbed hold of her plaster cast and pulled her towards the door and up the corridor to the clinic room hoping that I would get her into the room and calm her down before she vomited back up her dinner any real food she kept down her would be an achievement.

“Come on in sweet pee.” I said swiping my card key in the door and leading her into the stuffy clinic. “Take a seat up there for me.” I said as sweetly as I could pointing to the doctors bench.
There was not other way to describe Mi other then a walking Sterlington as she took the few steps towards the bench you could see her hips move and the two red sores on the points where her jeans designed for a 11 rubbed against the pointed edges. What had gone so wrong in this girls life that she was starving her self to death to keep in control?
　

A good momet, (Mi's side)

A good moment

“I know it is hard Mi but I will not be doing you any favours if I let you keep scratching at your self your just going to have to learn to trust me.” Esmee said gently pulling the big orange bucket of plaster over to the doctors bench where I was still sitting under the space blankets with the heater on me. I kept having the image float through my head that I was roast dinner.

“I do trust you.” I said almost with out thinking about it. Esmee like Emmet had long ago earned my trust even if this was the first time I admitted it to her.

“At last, this is a good moment.” Esmee smiled her brilliant flashing smile that lit up the whole room and gave every on that warm feeling inside that you get just after you watch a Disney film.
“A good moment, why?” I asked

“ Three months ago you didn’t trust any one, you didn’t talk to any one. Now you trust two people. You have opened up to us and you may not realise it now you just stopped yourself from hurting yourself and stayed in control while doing it.” Esmee said smiling again happy tears glistening in bother her eyes.

“This Mi, Is a fantastic moment!”

what do you think of the new lay out?

Hi every one just wondering what you all think of the new look blog hope you all like it.

Super human abilities (Mi's side)

Super human abilities

I leant my heavy head back up against the cold cream colour wall and closed my eyes letting a solitary tear drip out of my right eye and down my face where it come to settle on my feeding tube.

“You look shattered honey. When is the last time you slept the whole night through?”

“Well it wasn’t night but I was pretty soundo when you shoved that stuff in my ass. A few hours ago.”

“I had to do that Mi. I don’t like doing it, but there was no option, there was no ECA or safe place for you to be. You could of seriously hurt your self if we let it continue.”

“I know, but I wish you didn’t. I Hate sleep.” I moaned still keeping my eyes shut but letting my lips curl up at the edges into a smile so Esmee new I wasn’t angry at her for sedating me.

“You seem to hate everything that is good for you.” Esmee sighed. I opened my eye a crack and watched her move off of the bed and over to the cupboards of the clinic and started pulling things out again. When I realised all was safe and well I let my eyes close again
.
“It’s not like that Esmee. It’d hard to explain.” I moaned

“Can you try for me.”

“I think so.” I said trying to rearrange the words that swam lazily around my head into a sentence while I dug at a single place on my hand with my thumbnail until I felt the warm blood under the skin. These seemed to centre my thoughts.

“It’s all about control right. Not eating, cutting , counting. Everything.”

“I guess so.”

“I hate losing control. I know I do, that doesn’t mean I like it. Every time I get manic I try so heard to Calm my self down but I can’t it’s like something In my head is bubbling over. Well I guess sleep is like that apart from I am more bubbling under.”

“Go on .”

I looked for the words to go on to try and make it easier to explain before the float images intruded behind my eyes forcing me to open them. I sighed. This was another reason I hated sleep so much. The creeping figures always came to scare me.

“It’s dangerous when your asleep. All control goes. You can’t control how your body moves, how you think, what happens around you. Any one can hurt you, and then there’s what you dream. The night mares you can get stuck in. They can be more scary then anything being awake can throw at you."

“It scares you.” Esmee observed as she poured water from the hose attachment on the sink into a big orange bucket before throwing in two bandages. I looked at her like there was a possibility that she had lost her mind.

“It’s a plaster cast. You got your one wet and it’s useless now. It’s just for tonight. I will write it in the diary for you to go over to the Fracture clinic tomorrow and get a new one.” Esmee offered with a smile seeing my confusion.

Panic raised in my stomach at the thought of having to go back there and explain so I dug I dug a little harder at the back of my hand with my thumb nail to try and keep my self calm. I didn’t want to go back over to the A and E. I could do with out there judgment and hatred. I hated my self enough.

“Also I would like to point out that I am not an idiot Mi and I know what you are doing under that tinfoil and I would like you to stop.” Esmee added giving me a meaning full stare that was disapproving but not harsh or hateful.

I stopped the scratching immediately and sighed, I should of guessed One Of Esmee’s super human abilities that she seemed to have would have been seeing through apparently opaque objects.

letting go and healing (Mi's side)

I am sorry about deleating thw last chapter called volcano but i read back though the story and it actually made no sence. Mi had actually told Emmet and Esmee about her abuse before so the chapter needed some tweeking and here is the finished vershion. I hope you like this chapter just as much though.


Letting go and healing

“You talk like I can be saved Esmee, like somehow I can be helped? I will never believe you, I am to damaged.” I said shivering a little even though I was under two very large tinfoil blankets and had a heater blowing hot air in my direction.

“Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive. Josephine Hart ” Esmee said getting to her feet and pulling the Ear thermometer off of the wall. “It is a good quote.”
“I can’t survive though.” I sighed “I have tried being perfect and it doesn’t work. I am damaged in a bad way, not a romantic way. Something I can’t get back from or change.” I said sadly absentmindedly pulling the hair off of the side of my face so Esmee could put the thermometer in my ear.

Esmee gently smoothed down the side of my wet hair in a rhythmic fashion and smiled in her some what sad way as she held the thermometer in my ear.
“I know what happened to you Mi and though you may think you are damaged but I don’t think you are honey. The people who did this are the damaged. Damaged meaning they are evil and wrong. You are not damaged Mi. You are hurt but still beautiful.”

“I don’t feel beautiful Esmee. I mostly just feel him on me and that doesn’t make me beautiful. That just makes me ugly that I aloud him to do that to me. Esmee I let him have sex with me! I let him shove his hands inside of me and every day it makes me feel sick. He made me give him a blow job just to survive, just to breath, everyday I wish I didn’t. I’m sure death would have been better.”

Esmee’s face was unreadable as she sat with her hand under my tinfoil blanket her fingers locked around mine her thumb gently rubbing over the top of my hands and bumping over the old scars like an ugly patch work blanket.

“I always feel dirty Esmee. I can’t get him off of me. I close my eyes and I see them they are always there. “

“Them?”

“Mum had loads of boyfriend. One night stands and things. But two I remember. Two I was forced to call dad, and both of them seemed to be more sexually interested in me then what they where with my mother.

The first one I think was the worse. Mostly on the account that he is still alive and can still get to me, but he used to display me to. Put me in the middle and rent me out as a sex toy for people.”

I then stopped unable to say any more my breath getting caught in my mouth and my tummy
filling with nausea. I couldn’t think about it any more , I couldn’t think about any of it any more I just wanted out.

“It’s all right. You don’t have to say any more. You have done really well talking to me like that. It’s all part of healing.

When tomorrow comes we will try again (Mi's side)

When tomorrow comes we will try again

“Come on Mi I want to get you down to the clinic room OK .” Esmee said getting to her feat and then dragging my reluctant weighed down body with her.

I clutched my fingers into the fabric of Esmee’s top and held my head close to her shoulder wanting to catch the sent of her strawberry shampoo again, but most of all I wanted her not to hate me for all I had done for every time I thought about surviving Apply gate with out her and Emmet I felt my soul die.

When we got to the clinic room Esmee used her card Key and pushed open the door to the clinic. I took my position up onto the doctors bench where I dripped onto the crispy white paper that covered it.

I have always wanted an excuse to use these bloody things.” Esmee smiled as she unlocked a cabinet and pulled out two trays of space blankets before grabbing some and coming over to my bed tearing the plastic with her fingernails and unwrapping the giant tinfoil blankets.

“Here you go.” Esmee smiled wrapping the blankets around me “It looks like I am preparing you do go into the oven Esmee said again before going over to the corner of the room and pulling out a heater which she plugged in and directed towards me. “There you go all roasting.”

I tried to smile back at Esmee but only the rears came again which I tried to brush away with my finger tips. With this Esmee’s smile faded to and she came to sit next to me on the doctors bench.

“Talk to me Honey. I know I triggered you back then I didn’t mean to do that. I was trying to help. If you need to cut we can do somthing there is awlys a way out of it, it just some times takes a while to find”

“I know you hate me now Esmee and I know I have done so much wrong, I just want to get rid of it all, somehow get it out of me or make it numb at least. You couldn’t ever trigger me only I can do that, but know i don't wanrt to cut now. I just want nothing. I have no energy to cut my self."

“How many times do I have to tell you mi? I don’t hate you.”

“Maybe not but I know you have given up on me and I don’t blame you everything I have done, everything I have…”

“Mia listen to me. Esmee said scooting up on the bench and coming close to my body before wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling me in close to her. I didn't resist her close to me seemed to do a good job at warming up my soul. It let me know i wasn't alone

“Mi I am not going any where unless it is something out of my control. You can’t scare me off or offend me Ok and by hurting your self I wont go any where or get board or exasperated or what ever because I know what it feels like OK. I know what it is like to be told to stop only to find out you really, really cant. Only to find out what hurts you the most is also the thing that in you head you think keeps you sane and i also know just because you are put into a unit you wont stop hurting you self right away, but I also know that you can stop. soon it will get less and less until one day you will find another way and you wont have I hurt your self any more. Until then we will try and stop you hurting you self but if we don’t manage it we will stitch you up, patch you up, get you to the hospital and then try again tomorrow.
　
　
　
　
　

my ponderings

My friend like the rest of you reading on here has followed mi from the begining and says she liked it but the otehr day she asked me somthing.

Is it all to much? Did i have to be so graphic and could i of left out the flash back seens. The chapter she was refuring to was when Mi was describing to Esmee when she started to cut, why she did it and how. It felt strange to me out of all of the graphic chapters in my story this is the one she would pick up because i beleave there have bee worse.

This chapter was basicly a page on one of my old journals that was reworded and edited to fit, so in short this was my story and i have never considered it to much.

So i was wondering what you all thought. Iknow you all enjoy this because you wouldn't of followed me over here after it was deleated off fo RYL. (with out any PM from the mods telling me that they had done so. but that is just my own private grumble) Any way to the point though. do other people think that this is all to much. Should i try and fial it all down a bit? Make it all a little sweeter and less real?

Ahh any way private podering over on with the story.

Worse then I hoped for or just what I should of expected (Emmets side)

Worse then I hoped for or just what I should of expected

“Right I believe it is time for dinner.” Crystal snapped as soon as I saw Mi’s face relax even the slightest and right away the panic was zapped back into her face but Crystal was right. It was going to be hard but while Mi was on the build up menu meal times where absolute there was no avoiding them.

“Come on it is OK. I am with you this lunch time. Every meal you will get a partner with you OK Mi. Tonight it is Me.” I of course could of been wrong but I swore I saw her shoulders relaxed a bit as she looked up at me for a second and smiled.

When we got to the dinning room every one was all ready seated apart from the four chairs that where sat empty and waiting for us to fill them.

“Ingrid, Crystal.” Ella shouted from the opposite end of the table. “We thought Emmet had eaten you!”

“All right, All right so I don’t like missing Dinner.” I shouted over the top of the laughing and while the rest of the staff and clients where laughing into there dinner I guided Mi to her chair with the food and handed her a fork.

Mi’s face was suddenly gray and beads of sweet covered over the top of her fore head like suddenly she had developed gastroenteritis and was about to puke her guts up Into her pasta bake. I had to look away before I gave into my urge to drag her down to the clinic room.”

“Emmet she’s fine,“ Esmee said very faintly from over the opposite side of the table so I could only here her. She caught my eyes with a small smile and popped a piece of the pasta in to her mouth before she spotted Bella beside of her out the corner of her eyes trying to shove a fist full of the pasta into her pocket and grabbed hold of her wrist directing the food back to her plate. I saw Bella mime the word fucking bitch out of the corner of her mouth and I had to stop a giggle, she didn’t meant it in a nasty way Bella loved Esmee but when it come to food any one could turn into a “fcking bitch.” Of course it didn’t help that Esmee had turned around and replied “Yeah I know I am a right cow.”

Mi had now gone into her self like I was expecting and was slowly placing tiny pieces of pasta onto her fork before putting them into her mouth and chewing them slowly counting the number of bites whispered through her teeth. This of course would have to be stopped too but not today.; The fact that she was attempting to eat was enough.

“Well done Mi.” I said giving her a wink and gently squeezing her leg under the table. She responded with a smile before forgetting everything else again and taking more tiny bites out if her meal.

“Emmet Eat.” Esmee whispered again from across the them table after sorting Bella out. I looked at her blankly.

“Your food“ She confirmed looking down at her plate that was in front of her before picking up another fork full and putting in into her mouth as if in demonstration of how to eat.

“Of yeah.” I mumbled to my self before grabbing my fork and taking a mouth full of food but before I could repeat the action Esmee had caught my attention again and glanced at Mi next to me.

“I think she’s in trouble. “ Esmee whispered and with that I heard the retching coming from beside of me. This was worse then I had hoped for and she was doing so well to.
　

Not the plan (Mi's side) *triggering*

Not the plan.
This chapter is very very triggering I know i don't need to add these labels any more but this chapter really needes it! be safe.

I did not respond to Esmee again and for a long time the only sound in the room was from the creaking of pipes and the chattering of my teeth. My body for the first time in ages almost felt as cold as my insides.

“I used to cut my self Mi but that is the whole part of why this should be a form of hope because what do you see on my arms?”

Unable to respond to her question vocally I stretched out my arm and lied it up against hers and looked intently at them. This gave more of an answer then any words could. The scars that where etched upon both of them looked freakishly similar. Lines upon lines of parallel white scars crossed with jagged stabs of raised purple and red. How they got there made my insides cold. The thought of Esmee dragging back a razor across her own skin was terrible but worse was the thought of her enjoying it getting a strange kind of high out of it, that was almost nauseating.

still something inside of my sick mind at that moment buzzed with a strange tingling almost a kind of anticipation washing over as I remembered the good feeling it gave me as I watched the blood pore from my open wounds. It felt like a swarm of butterflies raced around in my stomach and I new I needed it. I new I needed that feeling. Needed it more then the air that I breathed in and out. I had to feel that exhilaration. That intense utterly controlling strange like pleasure that gripped at every part of me when my skin parted and I could see the pale flesh underneath for just a few seconds before the blood burst out from the severed capillaries and filled it. I needed that feeling and I needed it right away. I needed that thrilling rush. Such an immediate need that it physically hurt every nerve ending in my body and soul. I breathed in jaggedly and licked my lips I new what I had to do. Like a new born baby new immediatly how to feed.

“Oh shit.” Esmee suddenly shouted pulling her arm abruptly away from mine and in doing so braking me out of my trance.

“What?”

“I know that look Mi!” Esmee shouted tugging both sleeves back down to cover her arms again. “To trigger you defiantly wasn’t the plan!”

Saving Grace (Emmets side)

Emmets side of the story.

Saving Grace

Crystal and Ingrid took there positions around Mi’s body and held her stiller then I could alone even though in reality My brute size and advanced training in control and restraint had had her relatively secure any way.

Even though not as good as Esmee (Baring in mind I am biased) Ingrid was the saving grace of the situation. She did her Job well and was devoted to the clients she looked after every shift and she soon got around to trying to calm down Mi even if it was a little to clinical and by the book.

“Mi we had to restrain you because we can’t let you hurt your self Ok Once you are in better control we will let you go. If you can’t manage that we will have to put you into the ECA.” Ingrid said almost mechanically as if she was reading it off of cue cards from her course. I stand by what I said Ingrid was passionate and caring about her job but she was also new to the job and did things by the book even if they where not always the best option and at the time a threat of ECA to an all ready terrified child was not really the best idea and this showed from Mi’s reaction as her breathing became more rapid and she whined like an injured cat that had just been run over by some git in a sports car and left to die. It truly was heart braking and I wished that I could find the right words inside of me to help but there where none.

“Please…Please!” Mi finally managed to squeak out in a terrified voice form behind her shuddering “I promise I won’t thump the wall any more. I really wont, just please just let me go.”

My reaction was instantaneous if not highly stupid and I immediately let my arms become more lax then I should of around her and after Ingrid giving a silent nod of approval to Crystal and then to me we all let her go completely Leaving Mi to frightened to move shaking and almost destroyed in front of us. What had we really done here? Helped or hindered?
　

Hope stems from fear. (Mi's side)

Hope stems from fear.

My first reaction was stupid but it was also easy and seemed the most natural thing to do. I closed my eyes tight and started counting up in two’s in my head. The hope behind this reaction was If I closed my eyes long enough it would go away. Some form of magic would remove it or my eyes would open from a nightmare.

“Mi it’s Ok. It was very long ago now.”

“ 12..14..16..18..20.” I muttered out loud trying to pretend that Esmee wasn’t still sitting there in front of me. That I wasn’t sat soaking wet and freezing cold on a hospitals bathroom floor. That she had never pulled up her sleeves. That the counting was the only real thing in this situation, that everything else could and would change.

“This isn’t a bad thing that I am showing you Mi. This is something you should celebrate, I do every day.”

“ You celebrate this.” I said shouted out through a shaking voice as I reached out and grabbed hold of her now exposed forearm and held on tight until my fingers turned white. Hoping that some how the contact would make it go away. There was nothing to celebrate in such devastation, even more so when it was Esmee that it was devastating.

“Yes.”

“Then your crazy! This doesn’t happen… shouldn’t happen… Just No.!” I stuttered shaking my head violently from side to side like I was a wet dog trying to shake him self off.

“Mi have clearly scared you a bit and I can see why but I want you to listen to me. I want you to know why the story behind these scars should be hopeful to you, not one to scare you. It is true that infinitive hope can stem from all are darkest fears.”
　

Underneath her clothes (Mi's side)

Underneath her clothes


I tried to pull my heavy body up off of the ground of the shower but I was either not able or not wanting to do so and after a few more attempts I gave up and let my body collapse back to the floor again a new wave of sobbing taking over me. What was the point of trying.

A few minuets later there was frantic knocking on the door as the lock turned to let who was ever out side in. To far gone to try and react I just closed my eyes and continued to sob letting whatever was going to happen, happen.

“Mi honey, sweet heart Come on honey.”

“What are you still doing here?” I sobbed as I watched Esmee step into the shower fully clothed and shield me from the icy water that was still pelting down against my head.

“Mi! Damn it this water is freezing!” Esmee shouted recoiling slightly before she got her senses back and started fumbling with the water trying to turn it off.

“Mi baby girl why are you sat fully clothed in a freezing shower.” Esmee asked crouching down opposite me in the cubical reaching out and tucking a strand of my soaking wet hair behind my ear. She wore the same warm smile as she always wore as she looked into my eyes.

“Esmee I hurt!” I wailed barley controlling my chattering teeth and trembling hands “and I can’t stop the pain! I can’t run away from it and I can scream it out! I can’t cry it out Or starve it out of me. Hell I can’t even bleed it out! Or puke it out! There is nothing I can do to make the pain go away and it hurts!” I almost screamed at Esmee as I rocked my body violently back and forth against the wet shower floor. The anger and the pain raging in me, ready to consume
“It’s Ok honey I know.”

“ No Esmee you don’t! There is a monster inside of me and it aches all over and it eats at my soul. I am so heavy all of the time and all I want to do is cry but the tears don’t work. Nothing does! You don’t get it I have to kill the outside to destroy the monster within!”

“Mi I know it’s hard, and I know the pain your on about and I hate to think of you in it.”

“You don’t know this pain Esmee!” I screamed almost chocking on the rasping in the back of my throat. “Look at your life! You have a husband, a daughter! You’re a foster mother god damn it!” I yelled even louder before something within me found the cool down anger switch and I suddenly just became silent. A teenager in dripping wet cloths crying on a medical cold bathroom floor like something out of a sad depressing film.

“I am sorry Esmee.” I whispered closing my eyes “I am a bad person and this has to end OK.” I squeaked. “You have to let me go now.”

“Mi, I know how you feel.” Esmee said even more sweetly. Brushing her fingertips over my face wiping away the tears and the water.

“Esmee I don’t think you come back from this pain.” I sighed my body heaving again with tears though this time they where silent though some how heavier then the screaming ones.

“Mi, I know.” Esmee said again smiling as she effortlessly flicked the buttons on the cuff of her blouse open and pushed her sleeves up to her shoulders revealing for the first time what lied beneath her clothes. 

Freeze it out (Mi's side)

Freeze it out

It was 10 30 when Josh finally insisted that I left Summer and went back to my room and got ready for bed. It was about nine thirty when I got back to the unit from the general hospital and all that kept playing over and over in my head was Esmee once again getting home to late to tuck her daughter up in bed and once again it was my fault. What was worse still I didn’t think I could face going to my room. I had tried to run away from there earlier that day and I wasn’t ready to go back. My room no longer shouted NHS it yelled Some one cares and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Even more so now that I was almost sure that the people who did care now didn’t.

Once in the bathroom and away from staff and clients alike I turned on the shower and stepped in fully clothed letting the water weigh down my cloths and then in turn me. Finally I slinked to the floor and let my body dissolve into heavy sobbing. Every part of me ached with a heavily pressing sadness that I could not get rid of. That no matter how much I faked laughed a joked with Summer it was there to take over me when I was alone. It was always there to consume whatever it could like a angry monster that was always hungry and always attack with out ever resting.

I had not bothered to use the hot water tap and the jets of water that sprayed down over me where icy cold making me shiver and my teeth chatter together in a discordant melody. I could of easily turned around and turned on the hot water but I didn’t want to. My body felt to heavily with pain to lift up my arm and turn the dial for the hot water plus the cold sting of the icy jets pounding into my face suited how I felt. So cold, so empty, so heavy and alone. Maybe I could even try and freeze the sadness away. Freeze the guilt away.

I sat under the icy water for a long time until my skin was bright red but numb from the cold and I was shivering so much I couldn’t keep my spine from hitting repeatedly against the tiles behind me and it felt like I was going to puke, but still I could not find the will or the energy to move out of the shower, there was nothing waiting for me out there nothing I wanted to be a part of.

“ Mi, Mi. It’s Edward OK I am coming in. You have been in here with the water running for nearly forty minutes and I got to see if you are all right OK. Both Erin and Alice are busy at the moment so that leaves me.”

“You…You can’t come in here… I..I am naked. I should at least, have…have a female.” I stuttered towards the trying to move my body up off of the floor but failing.

“OK fair enough I will go and see if any one is freed up yet, but I will be back it a few seconds OK.”
Great I had a few seconds to pull my self together when I needed a few hours. or a few day even.

I can manage the impossible. great (Mi's story)

I can manage the impossible. great

Esmee said nothing more as she drove me and my new plaster cast back to the unit and dropped me off through the door while she swiped her key to get into the office. I had seemed to of pushed her to far and she seemed cold and off with me.

“I really am sorry Esmee.” I moaned at the office door as it clicked shut behind her. I hated being responsible for her being so late home, she had a husband and a daughter not to mention a new foster son and there she was spending so much time with me and worse of all I was now sure she hated me for it.

My feet felt heavy as I walked up the stairs towards my bedroom trying to make my body invisible as I was fully aware the last time every one saw me I fainted in front of them all because they threw me a birthday party.

“Boo!”

“Good God summer.” I shouted Jumping out of my own skin.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m just glad to see you. I was coming here expecting you to show me around and it takes you nearly three weeks to get back here.”

“Not my choice trust me.” I moaned more to my self then to Summer as I recalculated in my head the amount of nurses I had actually managed to piss off and alienate in that damn three weeks. What hurt the most was it seemed Esmee was the latest person to add to that list and with her I was sure to lose Emmet as well. I could almost feel my heart crumple inside of me as I thought about surviving apple gate house with out them.

“Come on lets go to my room I am in the room right next to yours for the time being. I think it’s wired how they give all the rooms names. I mean what the hell I am in Love! I have actually said that to my Nan when she called up. I am in love. She thought I was insane! There again she was under that impression any was my psychiatrist told her and I quote. “Apple gat house is like your modern day insane asylum!” I mean what the hell what did he think she was going to think. I am still trying to convince her that I am not looked up in a padded sell in a straight jacket.

I tried to block Summers constant chatting out of my all ready buzzing head. It had been more then a long day and the effects of the sedative still swam around in my brain. I liked Summer but she had the habit of talking far to much I assumed it was a nervous thing.

“So how have you got on then Summer.” I asked so I could cut the noise of her hyper monolog as I was herded into love. Not surprisingly it was the same setup as all of the rooms apart from this one was a mustered yellow colour. She had defiantly lost on the NHS colour board lottery.

“It’s been OK. I suppose.” Summer said going over to her bed and sitting down. Her bed still had the filmier NHS hospital sheet and blanket setup instead of a duvet. I shivered I was far to familiar with this set up at the moment.

“I am not sure about the whole red level observation though.” Summer said shivering. And that was about right that was the only real reaction any one could give about red level observations. So I shivered to in response too.

“What about the staff? You got any one you get on with?” I asked sliding down the wall and sitting down on the floor. Yes Summer did talk to much but her mindless babbling seemed to be soothing my buzzing head the more in infiltrated into my brain tha tor I had become immune it all ready.

“What apart from the obvious two?” Summer asked laughing while throwing a pillow across the floor for me to sit on.

“Who are they?”

“Oh come on Emmet and Esmee are total sweeties of course. Who couldn’t get on with them.”

“I don’t know.” I said smiling even though my eyes filled with tears and my voice cracked. “I think I have done a pretty good job of pissing them off too.”

“Aww don’t cry Mi. I am sure that isn’t the case. I don’t think Emmet and Esmee could get mad at any one.” Summer said springing off of her bed and coming over to where I was sitting.

What she said was why the situation was all so sad though. Before today I too would of thought it was impossible to piss of Esmee but some how I managed it. Sometimes it wasn’t all the great to do the impossible.

I don't want Happiness i just want OK

I don’t want happiness I just want OK

Esmee sighed gently before leaning back into her seat and steering out the windscreen into the dimly lit hospital car park while I stared at my plastered hand and pulled gently at the end of the bandage.

“What would you think Arabella would do and say now if she saw you like this?” Esmee finally asked still not looking at me but staring out into the gloom of the night

“That’s not fair.” I moaned almost shocked at the question and it’s blatant insensitivity. In fact the question would have been better suited coming from Crystal.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Esmee said tearing her eyes away from what she was looking at and looking at my direction. “I was just letting my mouth run before my brain.”

“It’s all right, I. wonder the same thing to sometimes.”

“How long have you been cutting Mi? I know what your records say but that is only what they know about. But how long has it really been.”

“I was 9 I think, it just happened, I’m mot sure how and I’m not sure why. It wasn’t like I planed it. I didn’t just wake up one day I think today I am going to try and cut my self it just happened. I just saw it sitting there on the side and it felt like it was actually calling to me. I was so angry. I was shaking and I couldn’t calm down and I needed something. I needed anything and I new what to do, I just used a ruler to undo that little screw on the pencil sharpener and I dragged the bade across my skin, and it felt amazing.” I said dreamily staring out of the car window and back across to the pain building of the hospital as I aloud my self to get completely lost in my memory and the tranquillity of the first cut I ever made on my skin.

“Nine is young.” Esmee sighed rubbing her hands over her arms she seemed to be remembering something her self. “Do you want to stop?” Esmee asked “Or do you think you have actually found a way to be happy?”

“What do you think? Of course I want to stop. I don’t want happiness Esmee or anything over the top, I just want to be OK. Every day that is all I pray for, not to be happy, just to feel OK. for a minute where I don’t feel sad. Just for a second where I don’t have to battle with my self over and over again for the same bloody things. For a tiny moment in time where Sophie isn’t screaming silently in my had. For a tiny moment where I don’t want to cut the hell out of my own skin. Or shove my fingers back my throat until I spit up blood or faint what ever comes first. That all I want Esmee, nothing more I just want to be OK.”

Jelly beans

jelly beans

About An hour later I was standing out side of Esmee’s Honda waiting for her to find her keys. It was a lovely little car with bumble bees and flower transfers on the exterior that always made me smile. It was when I got in to the car and breathed in deeply that my body made the familiar stiffening moment when I was about to flash back.

“Mi are you OK, honey?”

The breaks squealed and I was blinded by bright headlights of the car that drove at us full speed up the wrong side of the road and Arabella swerved hitting the brakes before turning her car over and tumbling down the embankment on the side 0f the road.
“Mi, talk to me.” Esmee said again leaning over and resting her hand on top of mine which knocked me out of my trance as the flash back played in front of my eyes.

“Jelly beans.” I moaned to my self glancing up at the new air freshener that hung above the rear view mirror before looking at the floor breathing hard trying to control the nausea.

“What about them honey?” Esmee asked gently even though there was a part of her that sounded like she thought I might of actually lost the plot completely.

“Your air freshener,” I moaned again glancing up at the offending object. “It’s Jelly beans.”
“Yeah, ummm, I thought it smelt lovely.” Esmee said now looking and sounding properly convinced that I might have actually lost all mental capacity.

“It does, it’s lovely.” I moaned again more to my self then Esmee as I hurried to wipe the tears out of my eyes before they could roll down over the side of my face.

“So what’s the problem then?” Esmee said laughing still sounding completely confused and more then a little bit concerned

“Arabella used to love that air freshener, she used to bye a new one every week , that was before she rolled her car off over the embankment and died that is.”

so many questions

So at first i was angry when the last sight i was posted on said that this story was against the rules, hence the creation of this blog so the people who where reading can continue to do so

but i was wondering, Did the moderaters have a point in saying in this story i was sharing tips to self harm. Is this whole story in fact pro-self harm?

Of course that was not the intention. I am not pro self harm. I will wear my scars on my body for the rest of my life and though at times i feel thay have helped me to survive i mostly feel just bitter sadness at my body being so damaged.

I would like peoples thoughts on this please

To be honest i am fed up of waking up (story)

H there every one that has followed me over from RYL. This is where the story will continue from now on. I hope it is still OK and that you all still enjoy it.

heres the next chapter in it new home.


To be honest I am fed up of waking up

My eyes rolled around uncomfortably in the back of my head as I tried to get my consciousness back from my drug induced sleep.

“That’s it Mi try and open them up for me.” Someone said in the background as they tickled the side of my check with there finger nail. I mumbled uncomfortable before Finally my eyes rolled in the right direction and I opened my eyes to a swirling room and intense nausea.

“I feel sick.” I moaned trying to pull my body up into a seating position but landed up just rolling in the wrong direction and bashing my side into the railings of the bed.

“Wow.” Esmee said who leant over and steadied my body while she hit the bed control button and my body began to go slowly upwards and she placed a dish into my lap.

“What are you doing here still.” I moaned still groggy as i rested my head back up against the mattress and closed my eyes to try and stop the room from spinning around me.

“I told you I wouldn’t leave you. Emmet’s had to go and pick up Mia from my mums and Bobby from school but he has only been gone a little while.”

“Bobby?” I asked turning to look at Esmee as best as I could even though my eyes still did occasional rolls in the back of my head and I had to use all my force to correct it.

“He’s are new foster son. Remember we had those two weeks off to settle him in a little while ago. He seems to be going well.”

“Oh yeah. I am sorry I forgot about it. I am glad he is OK.” I said somehow forcing my face into a smile which she returned to me.

“I’m sorry I lost It a bit there.” I mumbled looking away from Esmee as the flash back of the previous hours forced there way through my head. Not clear precise memories just foggy gray and black shapes that dug into me.

“That’s OK.” Esmee said reaching forwards and taking hold of my hand in hers. “I have had to deal with worse.”

more story

Ice doesn’t cut it.

“Here try this.” Esmee said reaching out and grabbing hold of my good hand pressing the ice cube into mine so I flinched with the shock and Esmee pulled her hand away from mine dropping the ice back into the bowel.

“No!” I shouted instinctively lurching my body towards it so Esmee picked the ice back up and pressed it into my hands so it was gripped between hers and mine and the water dripped onto the bed.

It was the wrong colour and the wrong heat even the wrong consistency but somehow though not as instant or as beautiful and invigorating as the blood flowing between my fingers and splashing beautiful and crimson and pure on to the white sheets it did release something. The sharp pain that dug into my hands with the ice and the warm smoothness of Esmee’s skin broke the anger just a tiny bit and I breathed in deeply. The trouble was it wasn’t enough, no where near enough.

“Here.” Esmee sad again ever so gently picking the bowel up off of the table and placing in in front of me. “Use them if it makes you reel better.”

I took my hand and placed it into the bowl and burred it under the ice gasping as the pain pulsed in my hands.

“It’s not the same.” I moaned grabbing the ice cube and digging into my arm dragging it across my arms like I would the Razor blade but nothing happened. Nothing broke with in me. Nothing was made better.

“Esmee I want it to stop and it doesn’t work.” I snapped swiping at the bowel of ice and letting a sob escape out of my mouth as I twisted my bad wrist round so I could feel the intense pain that I wanted.

“Don’t move that wrist.” Dr. Ash said speaking up from the side of the room where he stood watch everything that happened. “There is a little fracture in there and I don’t want it to get any worse.

That of course was when it happened. When the opportunity to destroy set into my brain and the corners of my lips turned up into a sinister smile. 　

To the floor With a deep breath I jumped up and bashed my all ready fractured wrist into the wall twice before Esmee jumped on me from behind and dragged me back into her arms.

“No!” I shouted pulling hard at Esmee’s hands and actually braking out of her grasps so I could throw my whole body into the wall.

“Ez what’s happening!” Emmet shouted as I rebounded back off of the wall for the second time and right into Emmet’s as he walked through the curtain into the cubical.

“To the floor.” Was the only command Esmee gave and Emmet swiped my legs from with under me and had me face down on the hospital floor. Where he restrained my upper body and Esmee launched into her position on my legs keeping them from kicking out.

“I think we need that sedative now.” Esmee barked at Dr. Ash who zipped out of the cubical at the speed of light.

“Mia calm down!” Emmet shouted over my screaming and flopping about like some fish out of water.

“Go to hell!” I snapped back.

“Mia! Calm down!” Emmet shouted again tightening his grip on my upper half.

“I got the sedative.” Dr. Ash said out of breath Entering back into the room.

There was a shuffle behind me and I felt someone pulling down my jeans and the back of my under wear before a needle was shoved into my right bum cheek and I yelped.

Almost instantly my body became heavy and the fight leaked out of me, my thrashing limbs becoming lifeless by my sides unable to move any more. My eye lids became heavy to as a numb buzzing filled up my head and my anger ebbed out of me to be replaced by the hollow sadness.

“Come on my darling.” Emmet then said gently slipping his muscular arms underneath my body before scoping me up into his arms and cradling me into his body like some over grown baby. I tried to lift my arms up to wrap them around his neck but it felt like they had been paralyzed and refused move a bit from my command so they just hung limp unmoving.

“You sleep now my honey.” Emmet said

gently as he placed my limp body down on the bed and removed his arms from under me before beginning to stroke my hair back over my face.

“Emmet I can’t do it any more.” I mumbled even though it was hardly eligible coming from my drugged up brain

“Yes you can my darling. Yes you can.” He whispered just before finally my brain gave up fighting the impending sleep and my eyes closed.

Only I prayed that I would never wake up.

the story continues.

Hi every one, this is continued from where i left off on RYL. It is unfortanute that i could no longer post the updates there but the rules are the rules and i can not go againt them.

As you all know this story is based heavily around battles with self harm eating disorders and abuse. There will be methords used to self harm writen here and the names of tablets and numbers and things including weights. and as always the content will remain triggering and sometimes graphic.

I hope you continue to enjoy this story though and here are the next few chapters.

Also spelling and grammer will be as bad as ever ha ha ha ha!

Go away stay

“Mia I am going to go and get what Esmee has asked for OK, Then I am going to come back and see if I can help at all OK.”

I didn’t respond to him. I didn’t think I could with out screaming at him so I kept my mouth shut by pressing my teeth harder against my hand causing blue indentations to appear there.

“It’s going to be all right.
  Esmee said half joking have serious before with one final yank she tore my hand away from me and held it in hers.
“Don’t you growl at me young lady.
Esmee soothed once again trying to unwrap my teeth from around my hand. I made a snarling noise like an angry dog through my nose.

So here is the story

So after this story being removed from a sight because of many diffrent rules i wanted somewhere else i could write it all to where the people who liked it could still read it if they wanted to, because to be honest there is nothing worse then writing a story that no one else can read.

I am going to continue writing on here from where i got to on  the other site and start with only the new chapters of the story as i just can't copy and paste them all onto here with out it having some kind of majour hissy fit at me and to be honest i just can't be bothered to fight with it.