letting go and healing (Mi's side)

I am sorry about deleating thw last chapter called volcano but i read back though the story and it actually made no sence. Mi had actually told Emmet and Esmee about her abuse before so the chapter needed some tweeking and here is the finished vershion. I hope you like this chapter just as much though.


Letting go and healing

“You talk like I can be saved Esmee, like somehow I can be helped? I will never believe you, I am to damaged.” I said shivering a little even though I was under two very large tinfoil blankets and had a heater blowing hot air in my direction.

“Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive. Josephine Hart ” Esmee said getting to her feet and pulling the Ear thermometer off of the wall. “It is a good quote.”
“I can’t survive though.” I sighed “I have tried being perfect and it doesn’t work. I am damaged in a bad way, not a romantic way. Something I can’t get back from or change.” I said sadly absentmindedly pulling the hair off of the side of my face so Esmee could put the thermometer in my ear.

Esmee gently smoothed down the side of my wet hair in a rhythmic fashion and smiled in her some what sad way as she held the thermometer in my ear.
“I know what happened to you Mi and though you may think you are damaged but I don’t think you are honey. The people who did this are the damaged. Damaged meaning they are evil and wrong. You are not damaged Mi. You are hurt but still beautiful.”

“I don’t feel beautiful Esmee. I mostly just feel him on me and that doesn’t make me beautiful. That just makes me ugly that I aloud him to do that to me. Esmee I let him have sex with me! I let him shove his hands inside of me and every day it makes me feel sick. He made me give him a blow job just to survive, just to breath, everyday I wish I didn’t. I’m sure death would have been better.”

Esmee’s face was unreadable as she sat with her hand under my tinfoil blanket her fingers locked around mine her thumb gently rubbing over the top of my hands and bumping over the old scars like an ugly patch work blanket.

“I always feel dirty Esmee. I can’t get him off of me. I close my eyes and I see them they are always there. “

“Them?”

“Mum had loads of boyfriend. One night stands and things. But two I remember. Two I was forced to call dad, and both of them seemed to be more sexually interested in me then what they where with my mother.

The first one I think was the worse. Mostly on the account that he is still alive and can still get to me, but he used to display me to. Put me in the middle and rent me out as a sex toy for people.”

I then stopped unable to say any more my breath getting caught in my mouth and my tummy
filling with nausea. I couldn’t think about it any more , I couldn’t think about any of it any more I just wanted out.

“It’s all right. You don’t have to say any more. You have done really well talking to me like that. It’s all part of healing.