Something to live for

I wanted to let go and give up the fight
Tell my heart it can stop beating
You gave me a reason to believe in myself
Just when I'd given up dreaming

Ronan Keating

just when i'd given up dreaming

“I didn’t think it was that bad Mi, a shook but not bad, did I treat you badly or something Mi? Was there something that I did wrong?”

“Idiot!” I yelled still trembling barley controlling the vomiting from in my scrunched up circle on the bed. Did she really have no idea why I thought this was such a problem, if she did she would know the problem wasn’t her or something she did to me but purely about me; everything I loved with any depth at all was now dead. I didn’t want to be Esmee’s murderer too; I couldn’t be responsible for the death of another angel.

“This isn’t about you, it is about me and what I am and what I do; I have only ever love one other as much as I do you and she is dead and she was also my sister, I do not want to be responsible for your death!” I panted painfully my ribs resisting every painful breath that I took while a monitor beeped out it’s annoyance somewhere above my head to the right of me.

“ Mi, Mi honey you have to calm down now, really, really important that you try and calm your self down.” Esmee responded as I clutched painfully at my sore chest the pain throbbing more and more.

“Your heart rate is too high and your oxygen is to low.” Esmee said pulling my head out from my ball and taking the two prongs of oxygen tubes out of my nose before trying to snap a full mask over my face which I refused; I saw this as another chance; another chance at dying; my chest felt like I was dying and my head felt like it was going under, the monitors also agreed I was in distress.

“I want to die; this is a second chance.”

“No! No! You fucking well try!” Esmee yelled tears spilling out of her sparkling ebony eyes “You know what it’s like to lose a sister that you adore; so would you really leave me with out mine?”

Weather it was insanity or for the first time common sense breaking through I wasn’t sure but I reacted anyway in a way I never thought I would again and I reached out and grabbed the oxygen mask off of Esmee and pressed it hard up against my face with shaking hands and tried to breath deeply and calmly which made the machines settle and the pain in my chest slip away, I guess though I could barley believe it I found something to live for.