All because of you (Mi's side)

Possably a mild trigger warning belongs here but i'm not sure either way if you are feeling praticully vunrable stay safe and don't read
All because of you“Mi, come on up you get no time to have a nap.” Esmee said gently lifting my upper body slightly up off of the bed so the world span back into focus as quick as it span out. “I can’t believe that you fainted.” Esmee laughed gently even though I could see the tears glisten once again glisten over her deep velvet black eyes; how I hated those tears.

“I’m sorry I thought you said you where going to foster me,” I laughed realising how I must of misheard the words that made me faint after all there was no way it could ever happen, Esmee and Emmet wouldn’t foster someone like me it was so stupid, they would foster the deserving children, the ones who where whole and loving and had done nothing wrong; in short they would foster anyone apart from me.

“”I did,” Esmee whispered gently two tears slipping out of her eyes which she wiped away with the side of her hands, “we’re going to take you home.”

“Don’t be stupid Esmee you can’t foster me I mean why the hell would you want to,” I spluttered trying to drag my body to an upright position but failing as the still lingering sedative drew my body back to the bed. “I mean I ruin everything and everyone that I touch and you want to bring me into your home with your daughter why would you do that to her; to your self’s? There again you are crying, oh hell they didn’t force you to have me did they? If so it‘s ok I can kick up a fuss, tell them I don‘t want to go with you.” I panted a little out of breath from trying to get put what I wanted to safe as fast as I could so the words didn’t tangle in my head, So I didn’t allow the tiny bubble of joy inside me explode from the news because no matter how I wanted what she said to be true, no matter how much I wanted to be there with them; in new it was impossible.

“You will do no such thing, they never force us to take on children Mi, they ask us they have even been known to beg us but we can always say no and we have before, though sometime we wished we never did. I am crying because I’m happy it’s what we wanted to have you with us, when your ready of course, which obviously isn’t yet and it won’t be until stop trying to kill your self. You need to be ready to live with a family, in a house with no alarms of ECA’S or observations because even though Emmet and myself work in a hospital our house isn’t one and we wouldn’t want it to be, we want it to be your home; a safe home for you.”

“I can’t stop though.” I blurted out trying to force the bubble of hope not to explode inside of me because it seemed that for some strange reason Esmee and Emmet actually wanted me there but I new hope was dangerous and happiness foolish because both cut better then any knife when they where ripped to pieces.

“It’s not something I can just stop doing Esmee.” I said lowering my voice to a normal speaking tone, “even if you really did want me to come and live with you, self harm for a long time has controlled me.” I admitted even though I didn’t want to. Self harm had always been about control for me, about something that was of all my own doing and it had worked for a while, I controlled the weapon, the place, the time, the severity and everything else in between but it hadn’t lasted, and before long I could feel it taking me over, removing a little bit more of the grasp I had over it day by day until one day I figured it out that I had actually just become a slave to another monster.

“I didn’t say you had to stop self harming Mi, that will come but that will take a long time what I said is you need to stop trying to kill your self and that is something very different.” Esmee said softly her eyes clouding over somewhat as she remembered some distant memory that I wasn’t aware of, all I new was what ever it was hurt her somewhere deep down in the core of her.

“What is it?” I asked gently touching her arm to try and pull her out of the nightmare she had fallen backwards into; whatever it was or when ever she was it was somewhere I would have crossed a million suns to stop her feeling it again.

“Would you like me to talk as your nurse or your sister?” Esmee asked as her eyes focused and became there normal dark onyx self’s again.

“Your sister; I like you as my sister.” I confirmed snuggling my body down close next to Esmee’s again, my arm wrapped over her tummy.

“Then my answer is it’s because of you, the same nightmare, the same recurring flash back has kept knocking me off of my feet lately and it’s all because of you.”