take my hand

Take my hand.

 “Ok. It’s OK, try and calm yourself down a little bit. Now have you cut yourself? You’re not stupid and you’re not in trouble if you have but like always one of us will need to see and treat them.” Emmet said offering Mi his hand as I released her from my grip. If she had hurt herself there was no evidence of it. Her arms where clean of new wounds and there was no blood on her cloths or mine however my insides still twisted uncomfortably. I knew what it meant if she had harmed herself. It meant more months inside the unit. More observations and the end to any leave that she had. Worse than all of that I felt like that in some ways I could have prevented it. If I had checked on her at the time I was thinking about doing it a few hours ago I may have prevented her from going so far. It was bad enough seeing her like this knowing that she had had no intervention while she was feeling so “poorly” but if she had actually broke under it that would have made it so much harder to bare.

“No, but I want to. I really want to. I don’t think I can stop myself any longer. It’s too much inside of me. It’s like I’m burning up inside and there is no way out. It is so stupid and I am so sorry but I think I have to. I really can’t stop myself I shouldn’t have woken you up. I should have just got on with it. I would have been Ok then.”

Mi was on her feet and too the door fully sobbing again before either myself or Emmet could stop her. My heart pounded in my chest. I wasn’t really sure why. I wanted to stop her from going. Every part of me wanted to run after her and knock her to the floor. Restrain her until the storm had passed. Hold her tight to me until she had no more tears to cry or feeling to grip at her. I wanted to beg her. Pled her, but I couldn’t. I knew that that would be wrong. We were not in the unit anymore. My responsibilities as a sister, as a parent where a lot different to those as a nurse. I had always promised her things would be different once she was a part of us and I had no intention to go back on my word but I was going through the pits of hell stopping myself. So much so I couldn’t even find words to give her. I was going to let her walk back to her room and cut herself if that was the only way she thought she could manage.

“Mi. You don’t have to go. We are here. We don’t mind staying with you all night if we have too. You don’t have to do this alone at all. We can try things. Distraction. Simulated injury and anything else you can think of,” Emmet said softly getting to his feet but not approaching her as she shock in the hall way just outside our room.

 I could see the war inside her. The urge to flee was immense. I could feel her need; her utter longing to see blood. To feel pain. To stop the burning but she did not run. she remained on the spot swaying slightly from side to side her chest heaving up and down her hands crawling over her arms to find something to hold onto.

You’re not going to stop me?”

“No. You know the agreement. You should have gave the blades to us as soon as you got them. You know you could have always asked for one and we would have obliged but that’s neither here nor there now. You have blades and you have a choice. We will check on you every five to ten minutes if you chose to cut. Then we will sort them out and we will take you back to the unit. I’m sorry but we have no choice about the last bit but you need to know, no matter what you think. You have a choice.”

 

“I don’t… You don’t understand. You try but you don’t know what it’s like. I want it all to go away. Please make it go away.” Emmet moved then. No longer able to restrain himself to the spot and walked towards her. I couldn’t trust myself to move yet I was still far too close to demanding her not to. I knew in a way I was being selfish

. Emmet held his hand out to her as he reached her side but did not make a move to take hers.

“What if I’m sick?” Mi asked looking at Emmet's out stretched hand. She was desperate to take it but it wasn’t easy. “What if I can’t stop shaking? What if I pass out?”

“All those things can be sorted. You vomit we will clear it up. You pass out you will come round and we will keep you safe while you’re out and you will stop shaking. This will get better. You trust me remember.”

And with a nod of her head she took his hand.