Still very triggering so please still take care
Language!
“Emmet. I am glad that you come!” I heard my mother shout as I heard the front door open again. The policy of no knocking applied to him too. My mother saw Emmet as the son she could never have, a cherished, love son.
I had started to become woozy now and my cutting slowed to a more controlled pace. Both upper legs had been covered in the angry cuts and the tiny drips that had dripped to the floor had long since turned to bigger more impressive puddles.
“Esmee, let me in!” Emmet roared from outside the door bashing his wrists so hard against the wood I thought he might of managed to put his arm right though. I sat still not daring to move. This felt familiar too looked in this bathroom when the predator lurked out side the door pacing, just waiting until I tried to make my escape and the fear was almost paralyzing.
“This Is Emmet, This is Emmet, This is Emmet, this is Emmet.” I stuttered under my breath over and over again trying to convince my brain that there was nothing to fear. He may of found me silly and irritating but he was still himself and there was no way that mad would hurt me.
“Esmee!” He yelled again almost rattling the door off of its hinges “Esmee are you OK? What have you done?” He yelled his voice panicked. I new I should of answered but I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to do all of this all over again I hated the pain it caused and it should never of come to this anyway. If I hadn’t become so absorbed by my cutting I could have done it all ready. If I had just headed straight for the femoral artery I would have probably been dead by now; Or at least past the point of any return.
“Esmee I swear to god I will brake this fucking door down.” Emmet shouted growling somewhere in the back of his throat.
“Emmet! Language!” my mother yelled stunned,
“Just fuck off the lot of you!” I yelled back pulling at my hair in frustration why wouldn’t they leave me alone?
“Esmee! Language!” My mother shouted again exasperated. Then with out warning the door creaked and the lock snapped as Emmet came bulldozing through the door shoulder first ploughing into the sink opposite him before undeterred by the fact he had just broke down my mothers door he turned his attention to me.
Friday, 29 April 2011
(Esmee) Invincible (Mi's side)
You all know the drill by now! This is highly triggering and highly graphic so please me safe when reading
Invincible
At that moment I new exactly what to do. I would cut. There was no point in even attempting to fight the urge because there really wasn’t an urge to fight. It was just there. No longer something I could do but something I was going to do no matter what happened and my head or heart made no protest.
Gripping on tightly to the sink I pulled my self to my feet and turned to the bathroom storage cupboard. I new it had a lock but I learnt how to brake into it ages ago however as expected the lock wasn‘t in use these days any way. There had been no need to lock it after I moved out of the house.
As expected there where at least four fresh unopened blades in the packaging. They where not the usual safety razors but the deadly sharp ones with no plastic protection around them, dad preferred these; so did I.”
Carefully I unwrapped the blade from the paper wrapping and sank back down to the floor. I seemed more cantered now I was in control of my decent into nothingness and I aloud my self a few moments to feel the longing need for the blood to overtake me until I shock with my anticipation of it. The longer I waited, the more pain I felt. The bigger the relief would be when the blade finally was aloud to eat my skin.
I chose my upper legs as the place to cut and breathing hard through the pain of waiting I unbuckled my belt popped open the button on my jeans and shimmied out of them throwing them to one side before resting both my legs flat out in front of me on the cold white tiled floor so I could breathily study them.
I found a “safe” Place away from any main blood supplies and started to cut. Eventually I would aim for the femoral artery when I had had enough “fun” but first of all I just wanted to enjoy the bleeding and all the euphoria that came with it.
I cut superficial but frenzied making gash after gash all over the top of my left leg breathing heavily with a smile on my face as I watched the little droplets run off of my leg at sped and land in perfect little specks on the white tiles underneath. There was something brilliant about the bright red splotches covering the white floor pure floor cold tiles underneath I had never worked put what but witnessing them again made me realise why I always like this bathroom as my “cutting spot”
Emmet, Eemm… yeah it’s Liz. I have Esmee with me; she is locked her self in my bathroom and she is really upset. I don’t know what’s got into her but she says you split up. You have to come and sort this out.” There was a gap in the talking on the phone where Emmet set about blowing my cover. “Hurt her self? She wouldn’t do… She would! I thought she stopped; yes come, come.” My mum shouted on the end of the phone to Emmet. This would of normally made things feel better but now it made them worse and as the only reaction I could think of I picked up the pace of the cutting on my legs. If I could keep cutting I would be OK when I was cutting I was invincible.
Invincible
At that moment I new exactly what to do. I would cut. There was no point in even attempting to fight the urge because there really wasn’t an urge to fight. It was just there. No longer something I could do but something I was going to do no matter what happened and my head or heart made no protest.
Gripping on tightly to the sink I pulled my self to my feet and turned to the bathroom storage cupboard. I new it had a lock but I learnt how to brake into it ages ago however as expected the lock wasn‘t in use these days any way. There had been no need to lock it after I moved out of the house.
As expected there where at least four fresh unopened blades in the packaging. They where not the usual safety razors but the deadly sharp ones with no plastic protection around them, dad preferred these; so did I.”
Carefully I unwrapped the blade from the paper wrapping and sank back down to the floor. I seemed more cantered now I was in control of my decent into nothingness and I aloud my self a few moments to feel the longing need for the blood to overtake me until I shock with my anticipation of it. The longer I waited, the more pain I felt. The bigger the relief would be when the blade finally was aloud to eat my skin.
I chose my upper legs as the place to cut and breathing hard through the pain of waiting I unbuckled my belt popped open the button on my jeans and shimmied out of them throwing them to one side before resting both my legs flat out in front of me on the cold white tiled floor so I could breathily study them.
I found a “safe” Place away from any main blood supplies and started to cut. Eventually I would aim for the femoral artery when I had had enough “fun” but first of all I just wanted to enjoy the bleeding and all the euphoria that came with it.
I cut superficial but frenzied making gash after gash all over the top of my left leg breathing heavily with a smile on my face as I watched the little droplets run off of my leg at sped and land in perfect little specks on the white tiles underneath. There was something brilliant about the bright red splotches covering the white floor pure floor cold tiles underneath I had never worked put what but witnessing them again made me realise why I always like this bathroom as my “cutting spot”
Emmet, Eemm… yeah it’s Liz. I have Esmee with me; she is locked her self in my bathroom and she is really upset. I don’t know what’s got into her but she says you split up. You have to come and sort this out.” There was a gap in the talking on the phone where Emmet set about blowing my cover. “Hurt her self? She wouldn’t do… She would! I thought she stopped; yes come, come.” My mum shouted on the end of the phone to Emmet. This would of normally made things feel better but now it made them worse and as the only reaction I could think of I picked up the pace of the cutting on my legs. If I could keep cutting I would be OK when I was cutting I was invincible.
(Esmee) my skin (Mi's side)
Possabel trigger
My skin
Feeling like someone had just kicked me in the abdomen over and over again I collapsed to the floor curling my self into the foetal position. My whole body shook with my angry sobbing as I screamed at the top of my voice scratching at the groves in the bathroom’s tiled floor until I felt my fingernails brake and bleed.
“Esmee! Esmee honey!” My mother yelled from outside rattling the door “Esmee what are you doing in there!”
“Go away!” I yelled almost laughing realising how similar the whole seen was turning out. I had done this before, we both had. When I was a teenager I used to spend half my time on this bathroom floor screaming while using my dads razor blades to cut into my skin…My dads razor blades… my skin.
My skin
Feeling like someone had just kicked me in the abdomen over and over again I collapsed to the floor curling my self into the foetal position. My whole body shook with my angry sobbing as I screamed at the top of my voice scratching at the groves in the bathroom’s tiled floor until I felt my fingernails brake and bleed.
“Esmee! Esmee honey!” My mother yelled from outside rattling the door “Esmee what are you doing in there!”
“Go away!” I yelled almost laughing realising how similar the whole seen was turning out. I had done this before, we both had. When I was a teenager I used to spend half my time on this bathroom floor screaming while using my dads razor blades to cut into my skin…My dads razor blades… my skin.
(Esmee) my end of days (Mi's side)
My end of days
My whole body went limp as my mothers words hit my body like someone had come with a big vacuum cleaner and sucked all of the energy out of me.
“I know mum, I know. I have always been a silly girl haven’t I?” I said meekly forcing my face to smile at her. “I am sorry that I’m so stupid. I am sorry about so much, I’m sorry… So sorry.” I moaned pushing past my mother further into the house and on up the stairs to the first floor.
“Esmee where are you going? Are you OK?”
“I am fine mum. I just have to use your loo if that is OK.” I whispered the tears taking over me again as I picked up the pace so Id tacking the rest of the stars at a run.
“I’m fine. Really fine!” I sobbed as I reached the landing flung open the bathroom door and escaped inside locking the door behind me. It seemed strange and somewhat wrong but it looked like the stage for my suicide had been set. My end of days would come to me on my parent’s bathroom floor.
My whole body went limp as my mothers words hit my body like someone had come with a big vacuum cleaner and sucked all of the energy out of me.
“I know mum, I know. I have always been a silly girl haven’t I?” I said meekly forcing my face to smile at her. “I am sorry that I’m so stupid. I am sorry about so much, I’m sorry… So sorry.” I moaned pushing past my mother further into the house and on up the stairs to the first floor.
“Esmee where are you going? Are you OK?”
“I am fine mum. I just have to use your loo if that is OK.” I whispered the tears taking over me again as I picked up the pace so Id tacking the rest of the stars at a run.
“I’m fine. Really fine!” I sobbed as I reached the landing flung open the bathroom door and escaped inside locking the door behind me. It seemed strange and somewhat wrong but it looked like the stage for my suicide had been set. My end of days would come to me on my parent’s bathroom floor.
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
(Esmee) I wil remember (Mi's side)
I will remember
I had no plan to the way in witch I would end my life. All I new was it had to be quick with no waiting around and it had to be a sure fire way. People found you with overdoses and cut wrists. Hanging was a good bet but I had no where to go it that wasn’t in public view and diving off of high things had the same problem. All I did know was I had one stop to make before I left. I had one goodbye that I could not do with out saying. My mum and dad needed to know that I loved them and I needed to see there face just one more time so I could make sure I remembered every detail about them. I wanted to see Mia too but I new if I set my eyes on my perfect daughters face I wouldn’t be able to follow with the rest of my plan and I had all ready made up my mind. She would be OK. She had the most amazing farther in the world and though I wouldn’t be there, a mummy who loved her to the ends of the earth. Also there was no need to see her again to remember her face properly. Her picture was permanently tattooed onto my heart, it belonged to her.
I got to my parents house quickly and stood outside trying to catch my breath. I wanted to enter composed and OK I wanted them to think that I was just passing by and I was popping in to say hello, not popping in to say good bye. I would have to find a way while I was in there to tell them that I loved them and that they made the best parents in the whole world, that they gave me everything and what I was going to do was not there fault. I also had to find a way of telling them that I was sorry, because I was, more sorry then they would ever know.
I scanned my eyes over the front of the house and tried to draw it as a picture in my head. This was my first proper home and I wanted to remember every little bit of it because here is where I would remember every one being. Remember the good bits. Like all the last two Christmases where we all sat in their little front room together, mum and dad on the sofa and Emmet in the chair with myself draped over him. Little Mia was there too of course the first time round in her swinging crib as she was just two months old , the second In a big box on the floor buried under a mound of Christmas paper and her third sat on top of Emmet’s head bashing him over and over with a toy drum stick. It pained me slightly to think of this years as I new I wouldn’t be there. Saying that there had only ever been enough seating for three, and i didn't belong so fully in Emmets arms any more.
Not bothering to knock on the front door because I always got told off if I did anyway I twisted the handle and let my self into the familiar sunshine yellow hall way my face in an uncomfortable smiling mask; I wouldn’t be able to stay long, it would hurt to much.
“hi, mum, Hi dad” I called up the hall so I didn’t startle them. It was good that t it was one of the days that dad didn’t work. the plan would worke better if they where both there, that way they could comfort each other whne it happened, remind each other of their daughters last words, so they remembered that i loved them. I know it woul still hurt them, but maybe not as much.
“Esmee, darling!” Mum shouted as she emerged into the hall way, her arms out stretched to embrace me but the soon fell back to her sides like she had seen a ghost. “Esmee…What on earths that matter?” She asked taking one look at my face before running up to me and placing her hands on my shoulders.
I hadn’t realised it till now but as I had been running to get here I must have been crying as well. I had been aware of a wet and sticky annoyance on my face but hadn’t made the connection to what it was. It now became obvious that they where tears and there aftermath on my face had betrayed me.
“I’ve left him mum.” I squeaked the tears coming back to clog up my throat.
“Left who?” My mum asked confused, it seemed completely ridicules to her, it would seem completely ridicules to most, every one said we where the most in love couple that they new and I suppose in a way that was true still. I had trapped him for to long though; I had to set him free.
“Emmet mum.” I said my voice braking as the same pain whipped up through my body again. “I have trapped him for to long and I’m not good enough for him. I have been to much for him.” I wept holding my face in my hands my soul crushing it’s self.
“Plus I don’t think he really loves me any more.” I stuttered almost wailing.
I wanted my mother to lean forward and wrap her arms around me. I wanted her soft voice, I wanted her passion. I wanted her to tell me that it was OK and that we would get through it. I wanted her to tell me that my life was still worth living. That it would be possible to survive with out him. I know it was stupid after I had so fully made up my mind to die but I wanted her to tell me to live, but this did not happen and my whole body went ridged as her voice became sterner instead of softer,
“Oh Esmee.” She huffed you know that isn’t true, You silly girl.”
I had no plan to the way in witch I would end my life. All I new was it had to be quick with no waiting around and it had to be a sure fire way. People found you with overdoses and cut wrists. Hanging was a good bet but I had no where to go it that wasn’t in public view and diving off of high things had the same problem. All I did know was I had one stop to make before I left. I had one goodbye that I could not do with out saying. My mum and dad needed to know that I loved them and I needed to see there face just one more time so I could make sure I remembered every detail about them. I wanted to see Mia too but I new if I set my eyes on my perfect daughters face I wouldn’t be able to follow with the rest of my plan and I had all ready made up my mind. She would be OK. She had the most amazing farther in the world and though I wouldn’t be there, a mummy who loved her to the ends of the earth. Also there was no need to see her again to remember her face properly. Her picture was permanently tattooed onto my heart, it belonged to her.
I got to my parents house quickly and stood outside trying to catch my breath. I wanted to enter composed and OK I wanted them to think that I was just passing by and I was popping in to say hello, not popping in to say good bye. I would have to find a way while I was in there to tell them that I loved them and that they made the best parents in the whole world, that they gave me everything and what I was going to do was not there fault. I also had to find a way of telling them that I was sorry, because I was, more sorry then they would ever know.
I scanned my eyes over the front of the house and tried to draw it as a picture in my head. This was my first proper home and I wanted to remember every little bit of it because here is where I would remember every one being. Remember the good bits. Like all the last two Christmases where we all sat in their little front room together, mum and dad on the sofa and Emmet in the chair with myself draped over him. Little Mia was there too of course the first time round in her swinging crib as she was just two months old , the second In a big box on the floor buried under a mound of Christmas paper and her third sat on top of Emmet’s head bashing him over and over with a toy drum stick. It pained me slightly to think of this years as I new I wouldn’t be there. Saying that there had only ever been enough seating for three, and i didn't belong so fully in Emmets arms any more.
Not bothering to knock on the front door because I always got told off if I did anyway I twisted the handle and let my self into the familiar sunshine yellow hall way my face in an uncomfortable smiling mask; I wouldn’t be able to stay long, it would hurt to much.
“hi, mum, Hi dad” I called up the hall so I didn’t startle them. It was good that t it was one of the days that dad didn’t work. the plan would worke better if they where both there, that way they could comfort each other whne it happened, remind each other of their daughters last words, so they remembered that i loved them. I know it woul still hurt them, but maybe not as much.
“Esmee, darling!” Mum shouted as she emerged into the hall way, her arms out stretched to embrace me but the soon fell back to her sides like she had seen a ghost. “Esmee…What on earths that matter?” She asked taking one look at my face before running up to me and placing her hands on my shoulders.
I hadn’t realised it till now but as I had been running to get here I must have been crying as well. I had been aware of a wet and sticky annoyance on my face but hadn’t made the connection to what it was. It now became obvious that they where tears and there aftermath on my face had betrayed me.
“I’ve left him mum.” I squeaked the tears coming back to clog up my throat.
“Left who?” My mum asked confused, it seemed completely ridicules to her, it would seem completely ridicules to most, every one said we where the most in love couple that they new and I suppose in a way that was true still. I had trapped him for to long though; I had to set him free.
“Emmet mum.” I said my voice braking as the same pain whipped up through my body again. “I have trapped him for to long and I’m not good enough for him. I have been to much for him.” I wept holding my face in my hands my soul crushing it’s self.
“Plus I don’t think he really loves me any more.” I stuttered almost wailing.
I wanted my mother to lean forward and wrap her arms around me. I wanted her soft voice, I wanted her passion. I wanted her to tell me that it was OK and that we would get through it. I wanted her to tell me that my life was still worth living. That it would be possible to survive with out him. I know it was stupid after I had so fully made up my mind to die but I wanted her to tell me to live, but this did not happen and my whole body went ridged as her voice became sterner instead of softer,
“Oh Esmee.” She huffed you know that isn’t true, You silly girl.”
Sunday, 24 April 2011
(Esmee) My love wasn't enough (Mi's side)
My love wasn’t enough.
Without saying another word I threw open the car door and got out onto the street and started walking away. That was it all over in the space of seconds. Years and years of love and adoration extinguished; as easy as blowing out a candle. I knew it was stupid, I knew that there should have been a way to do something but my whole body hurt with what he said. I didn’t want to be someone else’s silly girl and it didn’t mater if we had been married for five years or five minutes if that is what I had become to him…it was over.
“Esmee, wait, stop! I am sorry” I heard Emmet yell behind me but the words didn’t mean anything and there was nothing to say. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me and I new he was a good man and all along I new I hadn’t been good enough for him. I new it couldn’t last and finally in once second of lost control he had said what he really thought.
I had no idea where I was going to go or any idea how a divorce really worked I never thought I would have to go through one. When I said I will I had truly meant it. I loved no other the way I loved him, the way I still loved him. The brake up of are marriage was not to punish him, it was to save him. My love wasn’t enough.
“Esmee where are you going? Wait!” Emmet shouted grabbing hold of my arm and yanking me around to look at him. He looked hurt but not as hurt as me, he also looked sorry but to change my mind would have been wrong. all of this was for him.
“I going away. I don’t want to be your silly girl Emmet.” I sighed two tears dribbling down over my face at the same time as his fell over his. I wondered if we both cried for the same reason but if we did there wouldn’t of been any reason to cry. If he loved me like he used to I would of stayed.
“Esmee I am sorry. Come back to the car, lets go home.”
“I no longer have one. It’s over Emmet, gone.”
“What do you mean? You are my wife Esmee, Sickness and in health,. Death do us part.” Emmet whined more tears falling over his cheeks in time with mine. I put my hand up and held the side of his face and forced my self to smile at him.
“Don’t cry my baby. I was never good enough for you. I was never “in health” and I never to hurt you.” I whispered the tears in my throat stopping from talking properly.
“Don’t go Esmee, don’t leave you know I am nothing with out you!” Emmet begged
“I’m sorry.” and with that I turned from him and begin running up the road as fast as my legs could carry me. In this road was where my story started and in this road it would end. I would not devoice Emmet there was no need to. Instead I would just bring the death do us part thing forward a bit.
You gave it all into the call
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us,
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us,
You took my hand and added a plan
You gave me your heart
You gave me your heart
Sia, my love
“Esmee, wait, stop! I am sorry” I heard Emmet yell behind me but the words didn’t mean anything and there was nothing to say. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me and I new he was a good man and all along I new I hadn’t been good enough for him. I new it couldn’t last and finally in once second of lost control he had said what he really thought.
I had no idea where I was going to go or any idea how a divorce really worked I never thought I would have to go through one. When I said I will I had truly meant it. I loved no other the way I loved him, the way I still loved him. The brake up of are marriage was not to punish him, it was to save him. My love wasn’t enough.
“Esmee where are you going? Wait!” Emmet shouted grabbing hold of my arm and yanking me around to look at him. He looked hurt but not as hurt as me, he also looked sorry but to change my mind would have been wrong. all of this was for him.
“I going away. I don’t want to be your silly girl Emmet.” I sighed two tears dribbling down over my face at the same time as his fell over his. I wondered if we both cried for the same reason but if we did there wouldn’t of been any reason to cry. If he loved me like he used to I would of stayed.
“Esmee I am sorry. Come back to the car, lets go home.”
“I no longer have one. It’s over Emmet, gone.”
“What do you mean? You are my wife Esmee, Sickness and in health,. Death do us part.” Emmet whined more tears falling over his cheeks in time with mine. I put my hand up and held the side of his face and forced my self to smile at him.
“Don’t cry my baby. I was never good enough for you. I was never “in health” and I never to hurt you.” I whispered the tears in my throat stopping from talking properly.
“Don’t go Esmee, don’t leave you know I am nothing with out you!” Emmet begged
“I’m sorry.” and with that I turned from him and begin running up the road as fast as my legs could carry me. In this road was where my story started and in this road it would end. I would not devoice Emmet there was no need to. Instead I would just bring the death do us part thing forward a bit.
(Esmee) Silly girl (mi's side)
Silly girl
“I’m sorry what?” Emmet asked shaking me off of his shoulder while turning his body so he could look at me. His eyes seemed hurt like I had just turned around d and told him that I had an affair with another block.
“Don’t look at me like that. It looks like I have done something wrong.”
“You have!” Emmet shouted more loudly then I think he intended to; he seemed shocked with him self.
“What?” I stuttered confused. “How is the fact that I got adopted my fault?” I asked shaking my head confused. I felt my anger burning somewhere deep inside of my self. He always told me that I could tell him anything yet when I did he reacted this way. Frustrated I snapped the elastic band around my wrist twice.
“You never told me! I have been married to you for five years, been your boyfriend for seven, known you for ten yet you decided not to tell me something so important!”
“How’s it important to you?” I shouted
“It is important to you! By default I find it important too. Why don’t you get that you silly girl!”
The tears sprang into my eyes suddenly as the last words to slip from his lips ripped through my body just like he had actually spitted a mouth full of tiny blades all over me at a hundred miles an hour. The blades got every bit of skin, every organ, every bone before finishing off with my soul. Was that really he saw me too? After all these years trying to become something, trying to stop those words from intimidating me and haunting me he was going to shout me down with the same sentence that used to be uttered to me all the time; The same sentence that used to drive me insane.
Why did you say that? Silly girl
Why do you think that? Silly girl
Why are you doing that? Silly girl
Silly girl
Silly girl
Silly girl
“I’m sorry what?” Emmet asked shaking me off of his shoulder while turning his body so he could look at me. His eyes seemed hurt like I had just turned around d and told him that I had an affair with another block.
“Don’t look at me like that. It looks like I have done something wrong.”
“You have!” Emmet shouted more loudly then I think he intended to; he seemed shocked with him self.
“What?” I stuttered confused. “How is the fact that I got adopted my fault?” I asked shaking my head confused. I felt my anger burning somewhere deep inside of my self. He always told me that I could tell him anything yet when I did he reacted this way. Frustrated I snapped the elastic band around my wrist twice.
“You never told me! I have been married to you for five years, been your boyfriend for seven, known you for ten yet you decided not to tell me something so important!”
“How’s it important to you?” I shouted
“It is important to you! By default I find it important too. Why don’t you get that you silly girl!”
The tears sprang into my eyes suddenly as the last words to slip from his lips ripped through my body just like he had actually spitted a mouth full of tiny blades all over me at a hundred miles an hour. The blades got every bit of skin, every organ, every bone before finishing off with my soul. Was that really he saw me too? After all these years trying to become something, trying to stop those words from intimidating me and haunting me he was going to shout me down with the same sentence that used to be uttered to me all the time; The same sentence that used to drive me insane.
Why did you say that? Silly girl
Why do you think that? Silly girl
Why are you doing that? Silly girl
Silly girl
Silly girl
Silly girl
Friday, 22 April 2011
(Esmee) I remember when i broke (Mi's side)
I remember when I broke.
“You hurt your self so they couldn’t? You made your self thin because they wanted you to be exactly like her.”
“Kind of. The eating was different though. The eating was for me. No one made me start restricting Emmet. I did that, no one ever told me I was fat.”
“I should know your answers Esmee. It makes me bad at my job to ask you but I would never of learned half of the things I do now that help so many people if they had not come from you. So at the risk of sounding an uncaring twit, why then; Why did you stop eating? Most people stop because they think they are fat.”
“I was never fat. I told the unit that story; I told every one that story.” I sighed letting my mind wonder back to the time I was sat in the offices of all the professionals each one wanting to attack my issues in a different
way. Each one saying they could help, when all each one did was inspire me to get thinner.
“I got thin simply because I could. I was good at it, it was that simple. I did it better then every one, even Julie. When I was a teenage and I was getting into a size 8 when she could barley get into a ten, it made her angry. It was something she couldn’t do better then me and It was something she wanted. When it come to the hunger games, I won.
“That’s the only reason why?”
“No.” I sighed resting my head against Emmet’s arm smiling though my tears still fell soaking into his light blue top. “There is so much about me that you still don’t know. There are still times when I feel like I am still so broken.”
“Your not broken darling, Emmet said bending his head down and kissing me on top of the head “You have been hurt but your not broken.”
“I think I am because I remember when I broke. I can remember how it felt and it felt like braking it felt worse then braking any bone. It felt like someone picked me up and tore me into little bits. I broke properly for the first time when my parents sat me down and told me I was adopted.
“You hurt your self so they couldn’t? You made your self thin because they wanted you to be exactly like her.”
“Kind of. The eating was different though. The eating was for me. No one made me start restricting Emmet. I did that, no one ever told me I was fat.”
“I should know your answers Esmee. It makes me bad at my job to ask you but I would never of learned half of the things I do now that help so many people if they had not come from you. So at the risk of sounding an uncaring twit, why then; Why did you stop eating? Most people stop because they think they are fat.”
“I was never fat. I told the unit that story; I told every one that story.” I sighed letting my mind wonder back to the time I was sat in the offices of all the professionals each one wanting to attack my issues in a different
way. Each one saying they could help, when all each one did was inspire me to get thinner.
“I got thin simply because I could. I was good at it, it was that simple. I did it better then every one, even Julie. When I was a teenage and I was getting into a size 8 when she could barley get into a ten, it made her angry. It was something she couldn’t do better then me and It was something she wanted. When it come to the hunger games, I won.
“That’s the only reason why?”
“No.” I sighed resting my head against Emmet’s arm smiling though my tears still fell soaking into his light blue top. “There is so much about me that you still don’t know. There are still times when I feel like I am still so broken.”
“Your not broken darling, Emmet said bending his head down and kissing me on top of the head “You have been hurt but your not broken.”
“I think I am because I remember when I broke. I can remember how it felt and it felt like braking it felt worse then braking any bone. It felt like someone picked me up and tore me into little bits. I broke properly for the first time when my parents sat me down and told me I was adopted.
Sunday, 17 April 2011
(Esmee) Julie (Mi's saide) *ediedt to make it consistant*
Julie
“For as long as I can remember the Franks have always been a huge part of are family’s life. Each others family spending more time other each others houses then they did there own. They new each other almost fifteen years before they had me and when they did finally bring me home still all new and wrinkly it was of course the Franks that my parents turned to for there parenting advice.
Also as far back as I can remember my parents always used to go out on the first Friday night of every month for a dance class. So naturally they needed a baby sitter for me as well and once again the Franks stepped up to the plate volunteering Julie their own teenage daughter for the job. My parents obviously took this up immediately. Julie was someone that they could trust. She was gentle and kind and always interested in looking after me when they took me over to their house for the evening. Of course another pro was she was very cheap. Open Access to a well stocked fridge and a couple quid thrown her way was all she asked for. Julie on paper was perfect. There would have been no reason for my parents ever to look any where else for my child care. I was always fed, bathed and in bed sleeping before they came home, Always happy.”
I said stiffly through my tears as I remembered the details of Julies face.
“Julie was truly a stunning beauty to behold. A real life Barbie silky long platinum hair shat she worse lose. An long face complete with button nose and sparkling liquid sapphire eyes that shined so brightly. Julie could of probably murdered the entire nabourhod and got away with it with her looks alone, but she was a good wholesome girl as well. Straight A’s in every subject, always home by the time set by her parents. Julie was perfect.” I smiled even though the tears made a constant track down the side of my face.
“Sounds like I had a great childhood right? A mother and farther who adored me. Two others that treated me like there own and a babysitter that was perfect in everything she did. I should of grown up happy, perfect, with good grades and social skills. I should have had friends coming out of my ears. That’s what every one expected, that’s what I tried to give to them but when I grew older I could never be like the Julie mini me that they wanted. I am glad I was never like her, but I was the only one that ever saw the monster in her because in reality that’s what she was. I suffered almost every kind of abuse you can think of when I was in the care of Julie but the worst thing she did was turn me against my self. Time the end, I was the hunter and the pray.
“For as long as I can remember the Franks have always been a huge part of are family’s life. Each others family spending more time other each others houses then they did there own. They new each other almost fifteen years before they had me and when they did finally bring me home still all new and wrinkly it was of course the Franks that my parents turned to for there parenting advice.
Also as far back as I can remember my parents always used to go out on the first Friday night of every month for a dance class. So naturally they needed a baby sitter for me as well and once again the Franks stepped up to the plate volunteering Julie their own teenage daughter for the job. My parents obviously took this up immediately. Julie was someone that they could trust. She was gentle and kind and always interested in looking after me when they took me over to their house for the evening. Of course another pro was she was very cheap. Open Access to a well stocked fridge and a couple quid thrown her way was all she asked for. Julie on paper was perfect. There would have been no reason for my parents ever to look any where else for my child care. I was always fed, bathed and in bed sleeping before they came home, Always happy.”
I said stiffly through my tears as I remembered the details of Julies face.
“Julie was truly a stunning beauty to behold. A real life Barbie silky long platinum hair shat she worse lose. An long face complete with button nose and sparkling liquid sapphire eyes that shined so brightly. Julie could of probably murdered the entire nabourhod and got away with it with her looks alone, but she was a good wholesome girl as well. Straight A’s in every subject, always home by the time set by her parents. Julie was perfect.” I smiled even though the tears made a constant track down the side of my face.
“Sounds like I had a great childhood right? A mother and farther who adored me. Two others that treated me like there own and a babysitter that was perfect in everything she did. I should of grown up happy, perfect, with good grades and social skills. I should have had friends coming out of my ears. That’s what every one expected, that’s what I tried to give to them but when I grew older I could never be like the Julie mini me that they wanted. I am glad I was never like her, but I was the only one that ever saw the monster in her because in reality that’s what she was. I suffered almost every kind of abuse you can think of when I was in the care of Julie but the worst thing she did was turn me against my self. Time the end, I was the hunter and the pray.
Saturday, 16 April 2011
(Esmee) Diasy way road (Mi's side)
Daisy way road
With out thinking what I was really about to do turned on the engine and made my way out of the car park turning in the wrong direction for home when I reached the junction.
I had no plan, no script and even if there was one I would have no good way of delivering the lines. I had nothing but I did know where I was going. I was going back to the start. I was going back to where it all began.
It did not take me long to get to where I was going. It was just a road close to where my parents lived. There was nothing practically noticeable about the street. In fact it was quite unnoticeable. A place where nothing ever really happened. A place that you would feel comfortable walking down even in the dead of night. A place where the white semi detached buildings competed over the best hanging baskets in the Summer. A place where expensive four by fours made there appearance in the drive ways as a status symbol. There was nothing dark or strange about Daisy Way road. Yet still this was where the story began. Outside number 32.
“Ok this is a nice street. Is there a reason we are here ?” Emmet asked cautiously looking over at me like there was a possibility that I might have lost my mind completely.
“Who do you think lives in that house Emmet?” I asked gently flashing my eyes towards the front of number 32. It was like every other house on the street looking at it with a strangers eyes. Maybe too many clashing colours in the hanging baskets and the lawn looked like it could do with being cut again. Maybe a new fishing garden gnome as the one there didn’t have a fishing rod any more to dip into the expensive new pond complete with fountain.
“What?” Emmet questioned looking confused as he gazed at my defensive posture my hands still glued to the steering wheel. My back not touching the seat. Ready to drive off at any second if the daemons that where only visible to me arose.
“What’s going on Esmee. I think we should go home.”
“I’m not mad Emmet. I promise. This has meaning. Just play the game for me.”
“An elderly couple.” Emmet said sighing caving into my demands. “Grown up children. No grandchildren.”
“ The house belongs to Mr And Mrs franks. Both in there mid to late sixty’s and both good friends with my parents. They are kind old people really. House proud of course and always desperate to keep up with the rest of the street, but they are good people who treated me well as I grew up. Helping me with home work never missing a Christmas or birthday. These would be two more people I hurt if I tell my story.” I said blankly sneaking a peek over to look at Emmet’s face. He just looked stunned.
“My parents are still best friends with the franks, and so they should be. If I speak out I tare a forty year old relationship apart. In fact I would probably turn it into a war.” I said looking away from the house and swallowing hard a single tear dripping down over my cheek on the left side.
“I would hurt all four of them and worse still I would hurt you.” I stuttered my bottom lip quivering slightly as I blinked away two more tears from my eyes. Each escaping elegantly down over my face.
“Shhh, don’t cry my baby. Don’t cry.” Emmet soothed un doing his seat belt and turning towards me, reaching up to my face with his fingertips to brush the tears away that gathered again in my eyes as I gripped harder onto the steering wheal and stared straight to keep my emotions in check. I new if I caught one glimpse of Emmet’s face I would melt.
“Do you still want to know my secret Emmet?” I squeaked
“Yes. I want to know everything about you. I want to know what every one of your scars are for. Why you have cried every tear. I want to know all the things you fear. I don’t care if it hurts me. There is no torture known to man that could hurt me more then knowing that someone or something is hurting you.”
“Ok, then let me tell you a story.”
With out thinking what I was really about to do turned on the engine and made my way out of the car park turning in the wrong direction for home when I reached the junction.
I had no plan, no script and even if there was one I would have no good way of delivering the lines. I had nothing but I did know where I was going. I was going back to the start. I was going back to where it all began.
It did not take me long to get to where I was going. It was just a road close to where my parents lived. There was nothing practically noticeable about the street. In fact it was quite unnoticeable. A place where nothing ever really happened. A place that you would feel comfortable walking down even in the dead of night. A place where the white semi detached buildings competed over the best hanging baskets in the Summer. A place where expensive four by fours made there appearance in the drive ways as a status symbol. There was nothing dark or strange about Daisy Way road. Yet still this was where the story began. Outside number 32.
“Ok this is a nice street. Is there a reason we are here ?” Emmet asked cautiously looking over at me like there was a possibility that I might have lost my mind completely.
“Who do you think lives in that house Emmet?” I asked gently flashing my eyes towards the front of number 32. It was like every other house on the street looking at it with a strangers eyes. Maybe too many clashing colours in the hanging baskets and the lawn looked like it could do with being cut again. Maybe a new fishing garden gnome as the one there didn’t have a fishing rod any more to dip into the expensive new pond complete with fountain.
“What?” Emmet questioned looking confused as he gazed at my defensive posture my hands still glued to the steering wheel. My back not touching the seat. Ready to drive off at any second if the daemons that where only visible to me arose.
“What’s going on Esmee. I think we should go home.”
“I’m not mad Emmet. I promise. This has meaning. Just play the game for me.”
“An elderly couple.” Emmet said sighing caving into my demands. “Grown up children. No grandchildren.”
“ The house belongs to Mr And Mrs franks. Both in there mid to late sixty’s and both good friends with my parents. They are kind old people really. House proud of course and always desperate to keep up with the rest of the street, but they are good people who treated me well as I grew up. Helping me with home work never missing a Christmas or birthday. These would be two more people I hurt if I tell my story.” I said blankly sneaking a peek over to look at Emmet’s face. He just looked stunned.
“My parents are still best friends with the franks, and so they should be. If I speak out I tare a forty year old relationship apart. In fact I would probably turn it into a war.” I said looking away from the house and swallowing hard a single tear dripping down over my cheek on the left side.
“I would hurt all four of them and worse still I would hurt you.” I stuttered my bottom lip quivering slightly as I blinked away two more tears from my eyes. Each escaping elegantly down over my face.
“Shhh, don’t cry my baby. Don’t cry.” Emmet soothed un doing his seat belt and turning towards me, reaching up to my face with his fingertips to brush the tears away that gathered again in my eyes as I gripped harder onto the steering wheal and stared straight to keep my emotions in check. I new if I caught one glimpse of Emmet’s face I would melt.
“Do you still want to know my secret Emmet?” I squeaked
“Yes. I want to know everything about you. I want to know what every one of your scars are for. Why you have cried every tear. I want to know all the things you fear. I don’t care if it hurts me. There is no torture known to man that could hurt me more then knowing that someone or something is hurting you.”
“Ok, then let me tell you a story.”
Friday, 15 April 2011
(Esmee) Survive for your self (Mi's side) *edited slightly*
Survive for your self
I smiled gently and closed my eyes breathing in deeply through my nose. Before lifting my hands up and removing his from my face. Holding them down by my sides.
“What do you think it would Change Emmet?” I asked opening my eyes again smiling sadly up into his face. “I would just hurt you, hurt my parents, hut everyone and it was all so long ago why would I say anything?” I asked turning my had still in his to walk towards the car again.
"You know the answer to that as well as I do.”
“No I don’t. I know why it is important to get a teenager to admit that a member of there family raped them. I know why it is so important to get a chid to admit that there parents are physically abusing them but I have no idea as to why myself, a twenty seven year old women who Is settled into a good job with a good life with a loving husband and an amazing daughter would tell when all I know is whatever I would have to say would hurt them. Emmet not knowing is better.”
“Anyone who ever hurt you need’s to be punished. The rules and the reasons are the same Esmee and even if you did hurt me it wouldn’t matter as long as it got the person in the wrong brought to justice.” Emmet said gently as we got to where his car was parked and he slipped into the passenger side as I swiped his keys from his belt so I could drive. He still looked a little green to be behind the weal.
“I got sick Esmee because she looked exactly like you lying there in that bed.” Emmet said his eyes boring into the side of my face as I tried to stare out of the wind screen ignoring his face;
“Beaten up, broken, barely human under all the machinery that did what your body couldn’t any more. They told me it would be nothing short of a miracle if you made it through the night let alone any longer.The person that hurt you amost killed you by doing what they did. They made you hate your self so much you tried to take your life. That's why they need to be punished. With every suicide there is almost alwyas a murder commeted at the same time." Emmet sighed.
“I am here aren’t I Emmet.” I said stealing a glance over at him before going back to altering the seat so I could actually reach the pedals. His face was still white and drawn out. It seemed by trying to protect him i was hurting him any way.
“I know, you say all the time. You survived for me, and every time all I really want to say is, you need to survive for your self.”
I smiled gently and closed my eyes breathing in deeply through my nose. Before lifting my hands up and removing his from my face. Holding them down by my sides.
“What do you think it would Change Emmet?” I asked opening my eyes again smiling sadly up into his face. “I would just hurt you, hurt my parents, hut everyone and it was all so long ago why would I say anything?” I asked turning my had still in his to walk towards the car again.
"You know the answer to that as well as I do.”
“No I don’t. I know why it is important to get a teenager to admit that a member of there family raped them. I know why it is so important to get a chid to admit that there parents are physically abusing them but I have no idea as to why myself, a twenty seven year old women who Is settled into a good job with a good life with a loving husband and an amazing daughter would tell when all I know is whatever I would have to say would hurt them. Emmet not knowing is better.”
“Anyone who ever hurt you need’s to be punished. The rules and the reasons are the same Esmee and even if you did hurt me it wouldn’t matter as long as it got the person in the wrong brought to justice.” Emmet said gently as we got to where his car was parked and he slipped into the passenger side as I swiped his keys from his belt so I could drive. He still looked a little green to be behind the weal.
“I got sick Esmee because she looked exactly like you lying there in that bed.” Emmet said his eyes boring into the side of my face as I tried to stare out of the wind screen ignoring his face;
“Beaten up, broken, barely human under all the machinery that did what your body couldn’t any more. They told me it would be nothing short of a miracle if you made it through the night let alone any longer.The person that hurt you amost killed you by doing what they did. They made you hate your self so much you tried to take your life. That's why they need to be punished. With every suicide there is almost alwyas a murder commeted at the same time." Emmet sighed.
“I am here aren’t I Emmet.” I said stealing a glance over at him before going back to altering the seat so I could actually reach the pedals. His face was still white and drawn out. It seemed by trying to protect him i was hurting him any way.
“I know, you say all the time. You survived for me, and every time all I really want to say is, you need to survive for your self.”
Thursday, 14 April 2011
(Esmee) Those eyes remain the same (Mi's side)
Those eyes remain the same
less then elegantly I clambered through the whole in the hedge to get to where Emmet was ruining the daffodils.
“Ok my love.” I said gently placing my hand on Emmet’s back as he arched his back like a cat trying to expel a fur ball.
“I am sorry I really should of thought about how it would upset you to.” I whispered cringing slightly as Emmet threw up again even though I like Emmet had absolutely no problem when it come to affairs of the human body (Lets face it we are vile creatures really) it hurt me to see him sick. It hurt me to realise exactly how wrapped up in my self I had been. Emmet loved Mi too from the first day he meat her I saw it in his eyes. Mi was one he had to save. Mi was one that he couldn’t let go of. He would of done anything to take her pain away.
“I’m Ok. It isn’t your fault. I thought I would be OK.” Emmet whispered breathlessly straitening up and wiping off his lips with the back of his hand
“No harm done any way. Except maybe to the daffodils.” Emmet corrected. grimacing at the damage to the flowers.
“Come on lets get you back to the car before someone see’s us lurking in the bushes and calls security.” I said laughing unable to help it as I examined the details of his face. I loved every one of those details more then life it’s self. I loved him more then I could every explain. I survived for him. I was still surviving for him.
“She’s very sick Esmee.” Emmet moaned as he clumsily tried to drag him self back through the narrow opening in the bash before turning around and practically lifting me out after him. “Her observations. They are just waiting for her to code again.” Emmet moaned as he wrapped his arm around my waist and started heading back slowly towards the car.
“I saw, but I tried not to. I didn’t want to be her nurse then. I wanted to be someone just to love her. Someone for her to open her eyes for.”
“ She is sitting right on the edge of life. Anything could knock her over.”
“She always has been.” I sighed moving my body in so it was closer to Emmet’s side. “She should have been admitted to the unit long before she was. When they come in that state I wonder where we went wrong.”
“Poor little girl.” Emmet moaned dully holding me tighter to him. “From what I you have heard you say though Esmee you where pretty far gone when you went to the unit.”
“I try not to remember.”
“I am sorry. I just hate to think of you like that. Most kids in there are only like that because someone hurt them. Hurt them badly. You say you where never hurt but sometimes I see it in your eyes.”
I insides screwed into a ball at Emmet’s evaluation. My lips after so may years where still sealed shut. I had never told any one. Not even my husband. Not even my parents. The truth would hurt them too, my life had been destroyed by what happened I would not destroy theirs as well as well.
"You see there it is again.” Emmet said interrupting my thoughts as he stopped walking and cupped my face in his hands making my look up into his jade eyes.
I have seen the whole of you change but those eyes remain the same.”
less then elegantly I clambered through the whole in the hedge to get to where Emmet was ruining the daffodils.
“Ok my love.” I said gently placing my hand on Emmet’s back as he arched his back like a cat trying to expel a fur ball.
“I am sorry I really should of thought about how it would upset you to.” I whispered cringing slightly as Emmet threw up again even though I like Emmet had absolutely no problem when it come to affairs of the human body (Lets face it we are vile creatures really) it hurt me to see him sick. It hurt me to realise exactly how wrapped up in my self I had been. Emmet loved Mi too from the first day he meat her I saw it in his eyes. Mi was one he had to save. Mi was one that he couldn’t let go of. He would of done anything to take her pain away.
“I’m Ok. It isn’t your fault. I thought I would be OK.” Emmet whispered breathlessly straitening up and wiping off his lips with the back of his hand
“No harm done any way. Except maybe to the daffodils.” Emmet corrected. grimacing at the damage to the flowers.
“Come on lets get you back to the car before someone see’s us lurking in the bushes and calls security.” I said laughing unable to help it as I examined the details of his face. I loved every one of those details more then life it’s self. I loved him more then I could every explain. I survived for him. I was still surviving for him.
“She’s very sick Esmee.” Emmet moaned as he clumsily tried to drag him self back through the narrow opening in the bash before turning around and practically lifting me out after him. “Her observations. They are just waiting for her to code again.” Emmet moaned as he wrapped his arm around my waist and started heading back slowly towards the car.
“I saw, but I tried not to. I didn’t want to be her nurse then. I wanted to be someone just to love her. Someone for her to open her eyes for.”
“ She is sitting right on the edge of life. Anything could knock her over.”
“She always has been.” I sighed moving my body in so it was closer to Emmet’s side. “She should have been admitted to the unit long before she was. When they come in that state I wonder where we went wrong.”
“Poor little girl.” Emmet moaned dully holding me tighter to him. “From what I you have heard you say though Esmee you where pretty far gone when you went to the unit.”
“I try not to remember.”
“I am sorry. I just hate to think of you like that. Most kids in there are only like that because someone hurt them. Hurt them badly. You say you where never hurt but sometimes I see it in your eyes.”
I insides screwed into a ball at Emmet’s evaluation. My lips after so may years where still sealed shut. I had never told any one. Not even my husband. Not even my parents. The truth would hurt them too, my life had been destroyed by what happened I would not destroy theirs as well as well.
"You see there it is again.” Emmet said interrupting my thoughts as he stopped walking and cupped my face in his hands making my look up into his jade eyes.
I have seen the whole of you change but those eyes remain the same.”
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
(Esmee) Running away (Mi's side)
Running away
I pulled a chair around so it was positioned with my back towards the monitor. I was not meant to be here for her vitals. In this situation I was not her nurse. Just a friend. A stand in mother finger for some one that was a baby in so many ways yet didn’t have one. In short I was someone to love her.
“Hello baby.” I whispered gently picking up her limp had into mine. There where to many tiny tubes in it to squeeze tightly like I wanted to but there was on tiny patch where I could stroke the skin gently with my finger, some not quite dried blood that had leaked from the canola soaked into my finger tip. It was warm and alive but not hers, because going through the lines into the back of her hand was a dark crimson liquid. A liquid that someone had given an hour to give between popping to Sainsbury’s and picking the kids up from school. The same liquid that was now helping to save a 16 year olds life.
“I love you OK little one. More then you will ever except that is for sure, but you need to know there is someone who loves you, so there is someone to survive for.” I whispered again gently as I discreetly soughed out the leaking drip when Jasper wasn’t looking.
“Ez.” Emmet said stiffly. He was still standing just inside the door way his whole body slumped to one side while he held on to the frame for dear life with trembling hands. His face was a deathly shade of white and his eyes shone with his tears while his bottom lip quivered in a way that would have been cute if it wasn’t for the fact he looked like he was either about to vomit or burst into tears.”
“Emmet, What’s the matter?” I asked gently placing Mi’s hand back down beside her again before going over to him and placing my hand on his shoulder. The movement made him flinch. Something he had never done before, not in all the time I had known him.
“We should leave.” I said firmly raising my self up onto tips toes to try and put my face in his line of eye to stop him staring at Mi’s hocked up body. I did not want to leave her side but Emmet was more important right then. Here was when I would look after him like he had done to me. When I would become the pillar to hold up the crumbing. I had not thought of Emmet’s reaction. I had assumed he would have been OK. I new he was Ok with the medical side of things needles, blood, vomit and any other bodily fluid didn’t bother him at all it was the other side that had almost thrown him to his knees. Someone he new so well, hardly clinging to her life. Someone who used to cry, to smile, to shout and then make jokes. Someone who used to make him roar with laughter before blinding him by tears lay barley human in front of him. Now more machine then flesh and blood.
“Come on Emmet.” I urged, tugging strongly on his arm and trying as best as I could to drag him out of the room.
When out of the confines of Mi’s room Emmet took off at an almost run up the corridor towards the exit of the ICU his speed catching me by surprise. I walked quickly after him not wanting to actually run. It seemed almost disrespectful to run in a ward of extremely sick people but once I got out into the main corridor of the hospital. I took off at a run after him as he turned towards the sign that read main exit.
It was outside that I finally got to him again and found him discreetly behind a slightly overgrown bush trying not to draw attention to him self while he puked into the flowers.
I pulled a chair around so it was positioned with my back towards the monitor. I was not meant to be here for her vitals. In this situation I was not her nurse. Just a friend. A stand in mother finger for some one that was a baby in so many ways yet didn’t have one. In short I was someone to love her.
“Hello baby.” I whispered gently picking up her limp had into mine. There where to many tiny tubes in it to squeeze tightly like I wanted to but there was on tiny patch where I could stroke the skin gently with my finger, some not quite dried blood that had leaked from the canola soaked into my finger tip. It was warm and alive but not hers, because going through the lines into the back of her hand was a dark crimson liquid. A liquid that someone had given an hour to give between popping to Sainsbury’s and picking the kids up from school. The same liquid that was now helping to save a 16 year olds life.
“I love you OK little one. More then you will ever except that is for sure, but you need to know there is someone who loves you, so there is someone to survive for.” I whispered again gently as I discreetly soughed out the leaking drip when Jasper wasn’t looking.
“Ez.” Emmet said stiffly. He was still standing just inside the door way his whole body slumped to one side while he held on to the frame for dear life with trembling hands. His face was a deathly shade of white and his eyes shone with his tears while his bottom lip quivered in a way that would have been cute if it wasn’t for the fact he looked like he was either about to vomit or burst into tears.”
“Emmet, What’s the matter?” I asked gently placing Mi’s hand back down beside her again before going over to him and placing my hand on his shoulder. The movement made him flinch. Something he had never done before, not in all the time I had known him.
“We should leave.” I said firmly raising my self up onto tips toes to try and put my face in his line of eye to stop him staring at Mi’s hocked up body. I did not want to leave her side but Emmet was more important right then. Here was when I would look after him like he had done to me. When I would become the pillar to hold up the crumbing. I had not thought of Emmet’s reaction. I had assumed he would have been OK. I new he was Ok with the medical side of things needles, blood, vomit and any other bodily fluid didn’t bother him at all it was the other side that had almost thrown him to his knees. Someone he new so well, hardly clinging to her life. Someone who used to cry, to smile, to shout and then make jokes. Someone who used to make him roar with laughter before blinding him by tears lay barley human in front of him. Now more machine then flesh and blood.
“Come on Emmet.” I urged, tugging strongly on his arm and trying as best as I could to drag him out of the room.
When out of the confines of Mi’s room Emmet took off at an almost run up the corridor towards the exit of the ICU his speed catching me by surprise. I walked quickly after him not wanting to actually run. It seemed almost disrespectful to run in a ward of extremely sick people but once I got out into the main corridor of the hospital. I took off at a run after him as he turned towards the sign that read main exit.
It was outside that I finally got to him again and found him discreetly behind a slightly overgrown bush trying not to draw attention to him self while he puked into the flowers.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
(Esmee) built on sand (mi's side)
You got wires going in,
You got wires coming out of your skin
There’s dried blood on your wrist
Your dried blood on my finger tips.
Wires
Athlete
Built on sand
“I should warn you she is in a bad way.” The nurse said as she stopped outside a door with a sign on it that read in a big childish font, Hi, my name is Mia and my nurse is Jasper. The whole thing seemed ridicules. Here I was standing outside being told that what I was about to see was horrible and on the door was a chatty style poster making it sound like I was about to walk into any small child’s bedroom in their own house.
“She is being kept sedated for now so she wont be aware and there will be a tube coming from her mouth that is breathing for her. There is also two chest drains and various other drips and things.” The nurse said gently.
“there is someone in there with her all the time at the moment just to monitor her progress. In fact I think it is Jasper right now so he will be able to answer any questions that you have.” the nurse smiled again before opening the door and popping her head round.
“Mia’s family is here to see her if that is OK.” the nurse announced before stepping to one side and letting us in the door, barely waiting before we stepped over the fresh hold before she clicked the door shut behind us.
I squeezed Emmet’s hand tightly as I tried to focus on the bed in front of me. It was Mi, barley, buried under a pile of equipment that come in and out of different patches of skin. From her mouth draping down over her body was a pale blue tube that attached it’s self to a machine that puffed away somewhere to the right of her. This machine was now working as her lungs and with every rhythmic gush of air Mi’s chest rose and fall accordingly. To slow for Mi’s natural breathing pattern which was generally a lot faster and a lot shallower. To alien for it to be a part of her delicate presence.
There where drips in every vain that doctors could get hold of all with dried blood incrusted around the edges. The canules where quick and messy but they did the job. In the A&E there would have been no time for neatness, every second she was sdwn was a second more then she had.
There where two pots on the floor by her bed for her chest tubes both about a third full of a murky liquid and a bag as the out put for her catheter attached it’s self to then end of her bed.
If ever there was to be a picture for an anti suicide campaign here it was. Lying still, non moving, hair messy, bruised, battered, dried blood. Alive but barley even there. A shell of the person that used to belong, more tubes then flesh no personality no nothing.
I flicked my eyes over to the monitor and tried to take in the numbers. It was times like this I wished I didn’t realize what they meant. If I didn’t I could of kept on thinking that the earlier report of “stable” that Emmet had been given over the phone was correct, but I did no what the numbers and pretty flashing lights meant. In reality all the foundations of Mi’s recovery where built on sand at any time everything including her life could slip away.
Sunday, 3 April 2011
(Esmee) Red, amber, green (Mi's side)
Red, amber, green
I didn’t want to go to the hospital. Emmet didn’t want to take me so I had no idea why we had come. All I new was I had to. ICU was not a nice place. Here every one was closer to death then they where life. Many where sedated others where to sick to move so just acted sedated. And by tomorrow if the statistics where anything to go by. Over six of the current patients would of died leaving six confused and upset family’s in there wake.
“Are you family?” The nurse asked suspiciously from the other side of the desk.
“We are the only family she has.” I said meekly though my eyes drifted over the nurses head to the three white boards behind her labelled red, amber and green. The ICU was split into a traffic light system like are observations on the unit. Every body here was critical but there was also further division into three different sections. The red bays where the worse, Amber somewhere in between and green serious but with hope. The people in green would probably make it out of the ICU compared to the people in red where the majority would be heading for the morgue. It was on the board labelled red I finally saw the name Mia Rose Dorado scrawled at the bottom.
I didn’t want to go to the hospital. Emmet didn’t want to take me so I had no idea why we had come. All I new was I had to. ICU was not a nice place. Here every one was closer to death then they where life. Many where sedated others where to sick to move so just acted sedated. And by tomorrow if the statistics where anything to go by. Over six of the current patients would of died leaving six confused and upset family’s in there wake.
“Are you family?” The nurse asked suspiciously from the other side of the desk.
“We are the only family she has.” I said meekly though my eyes drifted over the nurses head to the three white boards behind her labelled red, amber and green. The ICU was split into a traffic light system like are observations on the unit. Every body here was critical but there was also further division into three different sections. The red bays where the worse, Amber somewhere in between and green serious but with hope. The people in green would probably make it out of the ICU compared to the people in red where the majority would be heading for the morgue. It was on the board labelled red I finally saw the name Mia Rose Dorado scrawled at the bottom.
(Esmee) To the floor 2 (Mi' side)
Ok i love this chapter. I haven't a clue why. but i have to put a warning that there is adult content. It isn't extream and there is nothing in detal but if you don't know the basics of sex yet best to stay away.
To the floor 2
We sat in the kitchen intertwined together for a long time not doing anything but holding each other. He rocked me gently from side to side on his lap as he gently stroked my arm with his finger tips while I help my head up against his chest listening to the beating of his heart again. To me it was perfect and I could of stayed there forever. Wrapped in his arms totally safe with out harm but as with any perfect moment they always passed to soon. Or maybe that was a lie too. Maybe they all passed in the same time, maybe the bad ones just seemed to drag forever. The only truth was I new that they all passed eventually.
“Well Ez I would love to stay here like this all day but these kitchen chairs are uncomfortable and my ass is now not just asleep but completely unconscious.” Emmet said softly whispering into my ear witch made me giggle like an over grown school child before I slipped off of his lap to my feet Tucking my hair behind my ear and sneaking a look at him over my should, my trade mark smile upon my lips.
“You have no idea how bloody hot you are.” Emmet growled playfully at me pulling him self up from the chair with a heave but grabbed on to the table again as his numb bottom started to wake up. Of course this only made me giggle again.
“To bad your incapacitated by your own ass right now, or I could be in real trouble.” I laughed going over to the side of the kitchen and flicking the switch on the kettle so I could make tea.
“You know I want to go and see her right.” I said quietly as I placed tee bags into the cups. I wasn’t sure what Emmet’s reaction was going to be. He wouldn’t yell again he probably wouldn’t even be exasperated. To be honest they weren’t really what I was scared of any way. It was his disappointment I was scared of;
“I guess you would“ Emmet sighed. “I am not sure it is a great idea though Esmee.” Emmet said gently limping across the kitchen before going to the fridge and handing me the milk. I couldn’t look into his eyes. I wasn’t sure what they where going to look like.
“She’s all alone Emmet.” I moaned shyly turning to him and placing my hand on his solid built up chest before creeping it up to grab hold of him short cropped hair. I am not sure what he saw in my physical appearance but it wasn’t hard to see what I saw in him. Hi body was amazing with smooth muscular curves that made me want to press up close to him and lock my self there forever hoping that some magical force would make us one.
“I know honey but she is being looked after and she isn’t conscious at the moment any way, she wont know what is going on.” Emmet said answering my body’s pleas as he reached forward and pulled me back into his arms Wapping them around me before letting his hands come to rest on my bum that he gave a little squeeze making my concentration waver slightly as I tried to wind my body even closer to him. Desperate to have my skin touching his.
“I know that as well Em;” I whispered resting me heads back up against his chest “But if it was me I wouldn’t want to be in there all alone and if it where Are little Mia we wouldn’t just leave her there would we? I mean what if we had fostered her a little while ago? Would we just leave her there now?”
“We have not fostered Mi yet and Mia is are daughter Ez, they would expect us there in any one of those cases but not now.” Emmet said again making his voice even more velvety as he started to brush his lips over my forehead then down the right had side of my face until he reached the base of my throat before starting on my arms.
“Not to mention how it might make you feel.” He whispered before standing up again and resting his hands on my hips.
“She has no family Emmet. Well none that love her, none that care. There is no one else to see her and we are the closest things to parents she has.” I said moaning softly almost completely unable to concentrate now as Emmet started tracing his fingers over the out line of my breast while kissing me softly on the forehead again.
“Emmet what you doing isn’t fair. How can I argue with you when your making me feel like this.” I asked gripping my fingers into the fabric of his navy blue tee-shirt while I stood up on tip toes so I could reach his lips with mine where I kissed him heavily for a few moments. The feeling when are lips touched was amazing like two sides of a magnet and finally been able to come together and nether of us able or willing to be the first one to brake the electric bond that are lips had formed.
“I will take your there later. You are right “ Emmet said breathing deeply when he came up for air before pressing his lips back up against mine while with his hands he pulled my top up off over my head before trying to un hook my bra which as always he failed at miserably at.
“Emmet you terrible.” I giggled before reaching back with my own had and unhooking If for him letting it fall to the floor next to my top before pressing my body back up close to a now topless Emmet where he wrapped me in his arms and together intertwined with each other be sank down to the floor.
To the floor 2
We sat in the kitchen intertwined together for a long time not doing anything but holding each other. He rocked me gently from side to side on his lap as he gently stroked my arm with his finger tips while I help my head up against his chest listening to the beating of his heart again. To me it was perfect and I could of stayed there forever. Wrapped in his arms totally safe with out harm but as with any perfect moment they always passed to soon. Or maybe that was a lie too. Maybe they all passed in the same time, maybe the bad ones just seemed to drag forever. The only truth was I new that they all passed eventually.
“Well Ez I would love to stay here like this all day but these kitchen chairs are uncomfortable and my ass is now not just asleep but completely unconscious.” Emmet said softly whispering into my ear witch made me giggle like an over grown school child before I slipped off of his lap to my feet Tucking my hair behind my ear and sneaking a look at him over my should, my trade mark smile upon my lips.
“You have no idea how bloody hot you are.” Emmet growled playfully at me pulling him self up from the chair with a heave but grabbed on to the table again as his numb bottom started to wake up. Of course this only made me giggle again.
“To bad your incapacitated by your own ass right now, or I could be in real trouble.” I laughed going over to the side of the kitchen and flicking the switch on the kettle so I could make tea.
“You know I want to go and see her right.” I said quietly as I placed tee bags into the cups. I wasn’t sure what Emmet’s reaction was going to be. He wouldn’t yell again he probably wouldn’t even be exasperated. To be honest they weren’t really what I was scared of any way. It was his disappointment I was scared of;
“I guess you would“ Emmet sighed. “I am not sure it is a great idea though Esmee.” Emmet said gently limping across the kitchen before going to the fridge and handing me the milk. I couldn’t look into his eyes. I wasn’t sure what they where going to look like.
“She’s all alone Emmet.” I moaned shyly turning to him and placing my hand on his solid built up chest before creeping it up to grab hold of him short cropped hair. I am not sure what he saw in my physical appearance but it wasn’t hard to see what I saw in him. Hi body was amazing with smooth muscular curves that made me want to press up close to him and lock my self there forever hoping that some magical force would make us one.
“I know honey but she is being looked after and she isn’t conscious at the moment any way, she wont know what is going on.” Emmet said answering my body’s pleas as he reached forward and pulled me back into his arms Wapping them around me before letting his hands come to rest on my bum that he gave a little squeeze making my concentration waver slightly as I tried to wind my body even closer to him. Desperate to have my skin touching his.
“I know that as well Em;” I whispered resting me heads back up against his chest “But if it was me I wouldn’t want to be in there all alone and if it where Are little Mia we wouldn’t just leave her there would we? I mean what if we had fostered her a little while ago? Would we just leave her there now?”
“We have not fostered Mi yet and Mia is are daughter Ez, they would expect us there in any one of those cases but not now.” Emmet said again making his voice even more velvety as he started to brush his lips over my forehead then down the right had side of my face until he reached the base of my throat before starting on my arms.
“Not to mention how it might make you feel.” He whispered before standing up again and resting his hands on my hips.
“She has no family Emmet. Well none that love her, none that care. There is no one else to see her and we are the closest things to parents she has.” I said moaning softly almost completely unable to concentrate now as Emmet started tracing his fingers over the out line of my breast while kissing me softly on the forehead again.
“Emmet what you doing isn’t fair. How can I argue with you when your making me feel like this.” I asked gripping my fingers into the fabric of his navy blue tee-shirt while I stood up on tip toes so I could reach his lips with mine where I kissed him heavily for a few moments. The feeling when are lips touched was amazing like two sides of a magnet and finally been able to come together and nether of us able or willing to be the first one to brake the electric bond that are lips had formed.
“I will take your there later. You are right “ Emmet said breathing deeply when he came up for air before pressing his lips back up against mine while with his hands he pulled my top up off over my head before trying to un hook my bra which as always he failed at miserably at.
“Emmet you terrible.” I giggled before reaching back with my own had and unhooking If for him letting it fall to the floor next to my top before pressing my body back up close to a now topless Emmet where he wrapped me in his arms and together intertwined with each other be sank down to the floor.
Friday, 1 April 2011
(Together we are whole)
Mugh. I decided babbly in waht i do best do i am going to continue and i love writing about Emmet and Esmee i supose they are my ulatamit fantasy future.
Together we are whole.
I had no words to give after Emmet finished his rant. I couldn’t even look him in the eye. Instead I stared at the swirling glass of water in front of me and counted the little white tablets I had thrown across the table. My soul felt cold inside so could it had frozen the tears I had wanted to cry and locked them painfully in my chest.
In one big movement Emmet swooped upon the table and picked up the tablets and dropped them in the bin before returning and sitting next to me resting his elbows on the table.
“I should take you to A&E Esmee.” Emmet sighed deeply rubbing his hands over his face. I don’t know what to do honey. If you Suicidal you need to get help. I need to get you some help.”
Emmet moaned rubbing the tears out of his eyes before turning to look at me with his red face.
“Emmet I love my baby. I love my foster child, I love you and I love my job.” I said softly before taking a sip of the water from the glass in front of me to try and clear my throat.
“But I loved her too.” I squeaked. The tears finely melting inside me so they could fall from my eyes my body instantly becoming lighter and the blocked feeling in my chest drained away.
“I shouldn’t. She is nothing to me, just another patient but my heart feels different for her Emmet. I got to involved and I just can’t turn it off. I see her more as a daughter and then I realise that’s wrong too and I can’t sort it out in my head.”
“and you think killing your self will help that Esmee?” Emmet asked gently holding onto my had rubbing his thumb over the back.
“I’m not that bad Emmet. It was rage and fear that made me do that. I probably wouldn’t of taken them but the action of grabbing them felt good.”
“I don’t want you to become ill in front of me and for me to just ignore it Esmee. I don’t want to find you dead one day because I didn’t react to the signs. You have to be honest with me. Please. Are you in trouble?”
“I am sorry I lied to you Emmet. I was nothing before I found you and I know I mess up sometimes but whatever I do I do it because after all this time I can still hardly believe that you would love me as much as I love you. In my head it doesn’t make sense why out of every one you chose me. You can believe me though Emmet I promise I will never leave you or my daughter.” I said looking directly into my husbands stunning eyes. my voice cracked under my tears but I meant every word. How could I ever leave him?
“Good.” Emmet smiled though his eyes shone as well. “and I promise you are good enough Esmee. Your too good for me, but I thank god every day that I was aloud to have you anyway.”
Emmet said his voice heavy with sincerity before he leant forward grabbed me by the waste and pulled me from my chair onto his lap where we sat together, and when we where together me where truly whole.
Together we are whole.
I had no words to give after Emmet finished his rant. I couldn’t even look him in the eye. Instead I stared at the swirling glass of water in front of me and counted the little white tablets I had thrown across the table. My soul felt cold inside so could it had frozen the tears I had wanted to cry and locked them painfully in my chest.
In one big movement Emmet swooped upon the table and picked up the tablets and dropped them in the bin before returning and sitting next to me resting his elbows on the table.
“I should take you to A&E Esmee.” Emmet sighed deeply rubbing his hands over his face. I don’t know what to do honey. If you Suicidal you need to get help. I need to get you some help.”
Emmet moaned rubbing the tears out of his eyes before turning to look at me with his red face.
“Emmet I love my baby. I love my foster child, I love you and I love my job.” I said softly before taking a sip of the water from the glass in front of me to try and clear my throat.
“But I loved her too.” I squeaked. The tears finely melting inside me so they could fall from my eyes my body instantly becoming lighter and the blocked feeling in my chest drained away.
“I shouldn’t. She is nothing to me, just another patient but my heart feels different for her Emmet. I got to involved and I just can’t turn it off. I see her more as a daughter and then I realise that’s wrong too and I can’t sort it out in my head.”
“and you think killing your self will help that Esmee?” Emmet asked gently holding onto my had rubbing his thumb over the back.
“I’m not that bad Emmet. It was rage and fear that made me do that. I probably wouldn’t of taken them but the action of grabbing them felt good.”
“I don’t want you to become ill in front of me and for me to just ignore it Esmee. I don’t want to find you dead one day because I didn’t react to the signs. You have to be honest with me. Please. Are you in trouble?”
“I am sorry I lied to you Emmet. I was nothing before I found you and I know I mess up sometimes but whatever I do I do it because after all this time I can still hardly believe that you would love me as much as I love you. In my head it doesn’t make sense why out of every one you chose me. You can believe me though Emmet I promise I will never leave you or my daughter.” I said looking directly into my husbands stunning eyes. my voice cracked under my tears but I meant every word. How could I ever leave him?
“Good.” Emmet smiled though his eyes shone as well. “and I promise you are good enough Esmee. Your too good for me, but I thank god every day that I was aloud to have you anyway.”
Emmet said his voice heavy with sincerity before he leant forward grabbed me by the waste and pulled me from my chair onto his lap where we sat together, and when we where together me where truly whole.
(Esmee) More then one dies in this suicide (Mi's side)
more then one dies in this suicide.
“Esmee. Stop or I will stop you.” Emmet growled at my from the door bracing his body in the kitchen door way to stop him charging at me. Was he really giving me the Unit show down talk? Was he really warning me that he would restrain me like a child?
“You try and restrain me Emmet and I will counteract it twice as quick. I am not one of the kids. I know everything you will throw at me.”
“I know that. why do you think I am still standing here I am going to try something different. I am going to talk you out of it..
Esmee. From what I remember, charcoal tastes something like a mixture of baby sick, saw dust and goat piss mixed in with gone off milk to add the texture. The drip makes you feel like you are so heavy you are falling through the world beneath your feet and you feel so sick you can’t even raise your head to puke the ten times a minute that you need to do so mostly it just sticks to you face as you barley aim for then bowel that had been propped under your chin. Of course then there is the psyceatric assessment and if you are really lucky maybe you could get a place in Elm grove lodge truly get a feel for what it is like to be a patient again, because oh yeah you will be but don’t worry Esmee I here they have a lovely family room where I can bring Mia to see her mummy for an hour a week! Though I am not sure what I am going to say to bobby when he has to be sent away because we lost are licence. Or how I will support us both when you lose your job.” Emmet shouted the tears streaming down over his cheeks that he didn't even try to hide away.
“Oh and one last thing! If you do die I hope there is room up there for two because you can believe what you want Esmee but I know my own heart! There is no way I would continue to exist if you didn’t! More then one will die in this suicide!”
“Esmee. Stop or I will stop you.” Emmet growled at my from the door bracing his body in the kitchen door way to stop him charging at me. Was he really giving me the Unit show down talk? Was he really warning me that he would restrain me like a child?
“You try and restrain me Emmet and I will counteract it twice as quick. I am not one of the kids. I know everything you will throw at me.”
“I know that. why do you think I am still standing here I am going to try something different. I am going to talk you out of it..
Esmee. From what I remember, charcoal tastes something like a mixture of baby sick, saw dust and goat piss mixed in with gone off milk to add the texture. The drip makes you feel like you are so heavy you are falling through the world beneath your feet and you feel so sick you can’t even raise your head to puke the ten times a minute that you need to do so mostly it just sticks to you face as you barley aim for then bowel that had been propped under your chin. Of course then there is the psyceatric assessment and if you are really lucky maybe you could get a place in Elm grove lodge truly get a feel for what it is like to be a patient again, because oh yeah you will be but don’t worry Esmee I here they have a lovely family room where I can bring Mia to see her mummy for an hour a week! Though I am not sure what I am going to say to bobby when he has to be sent away because we lost are licence. Or how I will support us both when you lose your job.” Emmet shouted the tears streaming down over his cheeks that he didn't even try to hide away.
“Oh and one last thing! If you do die I hope there is room up there for two because you can believe what you want Esmee but I know my own heart! There is no way I would continue to exist if you didn’t! More then one will die in this suicide!”
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