OK just a bit more from Emmet's side here i have been neglecting the poor man
Green eyed monster
As Mia’s protest from her nursery got louder it was almost as if the sound drew the daemons out from inside of Esmee, like somehow Mia screaming had been as good as dragging the razor across her skin and though she didn’t move to get Mia she seemed calm now like nothing inside her was testing her any more.
“Can you get her?” Esmee finally asked me blinking rapidly like somehow she was just walking up from where she had been. “I know she is shouting for me but I am not really in the best state to get her.” Esmee said again calmly as she pressed a slightly trembling hand on top of the wound on her leg that had started bleeding again.
“I can go,” I confirmed still amazed at how she had gone from where she was to this in the space of seconds; it seemed to good to be true.
“Are you going to be OK?” I asked at the door struggling with me self to leave, I had no idea what she was going to do with her self and a part of me wanted to stay, little Mia would cry her self back to sleep eventually, we where not normally in the practise of self soothing With Mia mostly because none of us could with stand the sound of her sobbing for longer then a few moments but here it almost seemed like a good idea to let her cry it out; especially if the other option was for Esmee to bleed it out
“I will be OK Em. I seem to be OK now, it’s Mia she dose these things to me.” Esmee said almost confused as me as she started to wipe blood off of her leg with a soft white tissue I smiled and at her and left towards Mia’s nursery. I was glad Esmee was OK, I was glad their was something out their that would make her see all the hope when she thought she had lost it but there was still one problem, it seemed so stupid but it was true I was jealous and hurt, why couldn’t I be that person.
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Monday, 23 May 2011
Fuck superman (Mi's side)
Fuck superman
“You are a super hero, well at least you are to me, so your not bullet proof; theirs no one shooting at me anyway and you haven’t got supper speed; my world goes to fast any how. I don’t suppose you can fly either; I have never been a huge fan of heights. I am assuming that you aren’t a mind reader; you have no idea how glad that makes me, and if you could turn invisible I would just get scared that you were gone. If you could see into the future; I wouldn’t want to know, and super strength is overrated; I have been on the end of too many super strong people. To me you have all of the super hero abilities I would ever want. You are amazingly gentle, and I have been hurt, you have super patients and let’s face it I can be a pain in the rear end. You can see some good in everyone and I have so much bad to see around. You can make me eat and I suppose somewhere deep inside me even though I can’t see it sometimes I know I am far from fat. You are compassionate and it can be hard to show someone like me compassion, you made me trust again and you have never let me down and even though I still hurt my self and even try to kill my self, even though I often feel so helpless there is one tiny spark of invincible hope that no one can put out. So fuck super man, I don’t need him, I just need you”
“You are a super hero, well at least you are to me, so your not bullet proof; theirs no one shooting at me anyway and you haven’t got supper speed; my world goes to fast any how. I don’t suppose you can fly either; I have never been a huge fan of heights. I am assuming that you aren’t a mind reader; you have no idea how glad that makes me, and if you could turn invisible I would just get scared that you were gone. If you could see into the future; I wouldn’t want to know, and super strength is overrated; I have been on the end of too many super strong people. To me you have all of the super hero abilities I would ever want. You are amazingly gentle, and I have been hurt, you have super patients and let’s face it I can be a pain in the rear end. You can see some good in everyone and I have so much bad to see around. You can make me eat and I suppose somewhere deep inside me even though I can’t see it sometimes I know I am far from fat. You are compassionate and it can be hard to show someone like me compassion, you made me trust again and you have never let me down and even though I still hurt my self and even try to kill my self, even though I often feel so helpless there is one tiny spark of invincible hope that no one can put out. So fuck super man, I don’t need him, I just need you”
Advice needed please !!!!!
How did people like Esmee's side of things when i was writing from her POV? i promise not to slip back into it for long but would people like it if time and again i went over to her point's of view so you could see hoe she is holding up or would people prefer for me to stick to Mi's side now and not differ. I have been fighting with my self over this but don't know so thought mayve you would. Advice please!!!!!!
Hero's and Villains (Mi's side)
Hero’s and villains
My mind moved in slow motion as I saw Esmee pull open the door. It must of happened in seconds but my brain turned it into hours. I tried to think of something to say to make her stay but I mostly had to fight with the same urge not to jump off of the bed and try to physically pull her back into the room; if my legs could of managed it I would of, I was prepared to try anything.
“You don’t get to leave!”” I finally shouted the words coming up from somewhere so quickly that I couldn’t stop them. I realised it was a poor argument but it was one, the only one that kept knocking into my head. She didn’t get to save me and then walk away from something I wasn’t aloud to. It was a far to simple thought process to matter in the slightest but for some reason to me it mattered, to me it was at that moment hugely irritating.
“You don’t get to walk away from the shit if I have to stay and live with it. If you where going to give up why did you try and save me, it wasn’t for my benefit surly; I had all ready given up.” I said the strange words tumbling from my mouth even though I tried to choke them back in. The argument was pitiful, there where a million and one batter ways for making her stay.
Esmee hovered at the open door and removed her had from the door handle hovering it jut above and thought. Her hesitation must have been momentary but to me it felt like a long time before she finally sighed heavily loosing some kind of war within her, pressed her eyes shut and closed the door again with her self still inside my room.
“I’m not walking away to give up on you, the only reason I would ever walk away is to save you or make it better for you, I’m not a super hero I’m just a stupid very insignificant human, and as a human sometimes the best thing I can do for someone is to go away. I don’t want to leave Mi I want nothing more then to stay, but if I do and I hurt you that makes me less then human, that make me the villain.”
My mind moved in slow motion as I saw Esmee pull open the door. It must of happened in seconds but my brain turned it into hours. I tried to think of something to say to make her stay but I mostly had to fight with the same urge not to jump off of the bed and try to physically pull her back into the room; if my legs could of managed it I would of, I was prepared to try anything.
“You don’t get to leave!”” I finally shouted the words coming up from somewhere so quickly that I couldn’t stop them. I realised it was a poor argument but it was one, the only one that kept knocking into my head. She didn’t get to save me and then walk away from something I wasn’t aloud to. It was a far to simple thought process to matter in the slightest but for some reason to me it mattered, to me it was at that moment hugely irritating.
“You don’t get to walk away from the shit if I have to stay and live with it. If you where going to give up why did you try and save me, it wasn’t for my benefit surly; I had all ready given up.” I said the strange words tumbling from my mouth even though I tried to choke them back in. The argument was pitiful, there where a million and one batter ways for making her stay.
Esmee hovered at the open door and removed her had from the door handle hovering it jut above and thought. Her hesitation must have been momentary but to me it felt like a long time before she finally sighed heavily loosing some kind of war within her, pressed her eyes shut and closed the door again with her self still inside my room.
“I’m not walking away to give up on you, the only reason I would ever walk away is to save you or make it better for you, I’m not a super hero I’m just a stupid very insignificant human, and as a human sometimes the best thing I can do for someone is to go away. I don’t want to leave Mi I want nothing more then to stay, but if I do and I hurt you that makes me less then human, that make me the villain.”
A little strange request (Sorry no story)
OK so i am mad! Every one knows that by now any way so that statment wont be a huge surprise, any how considering the fact that i am mad that means i can ask strnge questions.
I am looking for songs! So has any one ever read a preticuler chapter from this story, or just the whole story in genral and thought, oh that reminded me of that song, or, oh that song would fit in there great. Or maybe you imagines a certan song playing in the background while you read. If so i need your haelp!
Basicly music and writing are my only two real loves so i decided to combind the two and i have made up a playlist of all of the songs i relate to my story so i cna listen to them when i am writing to gain insperation, or even just listen to when i am reading the story back.
So..... to the point, i am good at babbling, if you have any recamendations for the playlist can you let me know the song name and artist so i can chek them out. I always want new music!
I am looking for songs! So has any one ever read a preticuler chapter from this story, or just the whole story in genral and thought, oh that reminded me of that song, or, oh that song would fit in there great. Or maybe you imagines a certan song playing in the background while you read. If so i need your haelp!
Basicly music and writing are my only two real loves so i decided to combind the two and i have made up a playlist of all of the songs i relate to my story so i cna listen to them when i am writing to gain insperation, or even just listen to when i am reading the story back.
So..... to the point, i am good at babbling, if you have any recamendations for the playlist can you let me know the song name and artist so i can chek them out. I always want new music!
Friday, 20 May 2011
Out the door (Mi's side)
Out the door
I braced my body for the worst and prised my self away from Emmet though the whole of me ached to stay latched onto him so I could soak in his warmth and compassion, it was the only good thing that I felt and I new in seconds it would be gone.
“I’m not going anywhere Mi, I will get off of your bed and let you rest t but I’m not going to shout like your scared I’m going to and I’m not going to walk away.” Emmet said gently sitting up on the edge of the bed leaving me colder then I had prepared my self for; it appeared there was no way I would be able to brace my self for the pain it caused somewhere inside of me.
“This is stupid,” I muttered feebly wrapping my arms around my body in a vain attempt to replicate the security I had felt when he had been holding me still. He had been like a giant armoured shelter wrapped around me that had been impenetrable to the bad things that tried to get themselves in, my self alone against them offered no more protection then a straw house and the bad things had matches.
“Did I let go too soon?” Emmet asked gently smoothing his fingers through my messed up hair. I nodded grabbing hold of the blanket on my bed trying my best to hug it close to me
“The bad things keep coming to get me.” I whispered under my breath squeezing my eyes tightly shut. “The bad feelings that drive me so crazy inside and the hurt, the hurt is so big and it’s never ending it just sits in me forever making every thing so painful.” I whined as my upper body shook violently which made my voice shiver.
“ I know Esmee’s mad with, and she has every right to be, but I know she has felt it before and if she could only remember how much it hurts maybe she would understand why I sometimes feel like I would rather be dead then feel it anymore.” I moaned
“I remember it all to well.” I opened my eyes with a start to see Esmee stood just inside the door, for some reason I expected her to look different, harsher, meaner, with the same red eyes that scared me so much but she didn’t she was the same as I always remembered her which only made it harder for me to restrain my self and not climber off of the bed towards her again so I could hold onto her before she disappeared in front of me if only just to apologize to her; she may never be able to forgive me but she had to know I was sorry.
“Mi, I am so sorry, I promised you I would never hurt you on purpose and I just did and that is completely unacceptable. I understand if you don’t want me to be here any more and I can sign off as your primary nurse at the unit. I should not of done what I did and I don’t expect you to forgive me hell if I was you I wouldn’t but I wanted you to know I was sorry OK honey.” Esmee said smiling though her own falling tears before she turned towards the door and pulled down then handle to walk out of my crumbling life forever.
I braced my body for the worst and prised my self away from Emmet though the whole of me ached to stay latched onto him so I could soak in his warmth and compassion, it was the only good thing that I felt and I new in seconds it would be gone.
“I’m not going anywhere Mi, I will get off of your bed and let you rest t but I’m not going to shout like your scared I’m going to and I’m not going to walk away.” Emmet said gently sitting up on the edge of the bed leaving me colder then I had prepared my self for; it appeared there was no way I would be able to brace my self for the pain it caused somewhere inside of me.
“This is stupid,” I muttered feebly wrapping my arms around my body in a vain attempt to replicate the security I had felt when he had been holding me still. He had been like a giant armoured shelter wrapped around me that had been impenetrable to the bad things that tried to get themselves in, my self alone against them offered no more protection then a straw house and the bad things had matches.
“Did I let go too soon?” Emmet asked gently smoothing his fingers through my messed up hair. I nodded grabbing hold of the blanket on my bed trying my best to hug it close to me
“The bad things keep coming to get me.” I whispered under my breath squeezing my eyes tightly shut. “The bad feelings that drive me so crazy inside and the hurt, the hurt is so big and it’s never ending it just sits in me forever making every thing so painful.” I whined as my upper body shook violently which made my voice shiver.
“ I know Esmee’s mad with, and she has every right to be, but I know she has felt it before and if she could only remember how much it hurts maybe she would understand why I sometimes feel like I would rather be dead then feel it anymore.” I moaned
“I remember it all to well.” I opened my eyes with a start to see Esmee stood just inside the door, for some reason I expected her to look different, harsher, meaner, with the same red eyes that scared me so much but she didn’t she was the same as I always remembered her which only made it harder for me to restrain my self and not climber off of the bed towards her again so I could hold onto her before she disappeared in front of me if only just to apologize to her; she may never be able to forgive me but she had to know I was sorry.
“Mi, I am so sorry, I promised you I would never hurt you on purpose and I just did and that is completely unacceptable. I understand if you don’t want me to be here any more and I can sign off as your primary nurse at the unit. I should not of done what I did and I don’t expect you to forgive me hell if I was you I wouldn’t but I wanted you to know I was sorry OK honey.” Esmee said smiling though her own falling tears before she turned towards the door and pulled down then handle to walk out of my crumbling life forever.
Thursday, 19 May 2011
It doesn't matter so i will be honest (Mi's side)
It doesn’t matter so I will be honest
I cried for what felt like a long time locked up safe in the relative security of Emmet’s arms and I was acutely surprised when I stopped, I was sure I would cry forever or at least scream out for her but I had been sure of that before and as with everything ready or not, the outward show of pain stopped leaving the ach inside.
“Please don’t let go,” I whispered knowing that Emmet would remove him self from the bed now my crying had gone but I didn’t want him to let me go, I may have looked better but inside I was still screaming.
“ok, tell me when you feel like you can manage on your own then I will let you go.” Emmet said softly adjusting his arms around me. With out thinking I wrapped my arms around one of his and held on tight two gentle tears falling out of my eyes and splashing onto his hands
“Can I talk to you?” I asked gently closing my eyes against my surroundings so o couldn’t see them.
“Of course you can honey, you know that.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone when I cut my self in the bath I didn’t really even mean to kill myself either, I was killing something else, something deeper.” I moaned resting my head on top of Emmet’s arm while holding on tighter to him.
“I know Sophie’s bad she represents everything that is wrong with the world and it feels like I could make it better if I could only get rid of her, so that’s what I was doing, I was killing her not myself but I had to go with her because she lived inside me and I know now that I’m still here so she is too and it will be days before she is talking at me again or dancing around me in the mirror telling me that I am fat and stupid and this may sound nasty and horrible and completely self centred but I don’t think I can do it again, and this is going to make you shout at me like your wife just did but I have lost everything any way so it doesn’t matter so I will be honest. With you Emmet. I wish I was dead, I didn’t want to be saved so maybe she was right, maybe I am evil and maybe you should walk away and lat me finish what I started.”
I cried for what felt like a long time locked up safe in the relative security of Emmet’s arms and I was acutely surprised when I stopped, I was sure I would cry forever or at least scream out for her but I had been sure of that before and as with everything ready or not, the outward show of pain stopped leaving the ach inside.
“Please don’t let go,” I whispered knowing that Emmet would remove him self from the bed now my crying had gone but I didn’t want him to let me go, I may have looked better but inside I was still screaming.
“ok, tell me when you feel like you can manage on your own then I will let you go.” Emmet said softly adjusting his arms around me. With out thinking I wrapped my arms around one of his and held on tight two gentle tears falling out of my eyes and splashing onto his hands
“Can I talk to you?” I asked gently closing my eyes against my surroundings so o couldn’t see them.
“Of course you can honey, you know that.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone when I cut my self in the bath I didn’t really even mean to kill myself either, I was killing something else, something deeper.” I moaned resting my head on top of Emmet’s arm while holding on tighter to him.
“I know Sophie’s bad she represents everything that is wrong with the world and it feels like I could make it better if I could only get rid of her, so that’s what I was doing, I was killing her not myself but I had to go with her because she lived inside me and I know now that I’m still here so she is too and it will be days before she is talking at me again or dancing around me in the mirror telling me that I am fat and stupid and this may sound nasty and horrible and completely self centred but I don’t think I can do it again, and this is going to make you shout at me like your wife just did but I have lost everything any way so it doesn’t matter so I will be honest. With you Emmet. I wish I was dead, I didn’t want to be saved so maybe she was right, maybe I am evil and maybe you should walk away and lat me finish what I started.”
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Wrapped up tight (Mi's side)
Wrapped up tight
I wanted to do so many things but didn’t know which one of them was for the best so in the end I settled for the only one that I couldn’t actually control and screamed sobbing as my whole body reacted to the agony inside, I arched my back uncomfortably like an angry cat and curled my legs up into my chest just to try and keep my self together but I new I would fail, I now new that I would fall apart and it would be the most agonising pain that I had ever felt, losing Esmee was like losing Arabella she was as important a person in my life and losing her wasn’t something I would survive.
“Mi, oh my little thing.” Emmet soothed abandoning the chair next to my bed so he could sit down next to me. I was vaguely aware of him trying to move me out of the ball I had tucked my self into but I wouldn’t budge an inch so instead he rubbed my back in fast rhythmic circles.
“Your going to be OK, I know this really hurts OK but it will pass and you will be OK.”
“I am falling apart!” I sobbed unable to except what he said “I have nothing left to hold on to now, and everything is just falling away so fast, so, so fast!”
“ I am right here, you can hold on to me, I promise you I am strong and even if you do I won’t brake.” Emmet said in his smooth musical voice, it was surprising that it could be heard above my sobbing but it always had been before as it was now; it was like he had his own special frequency in my head.
“I’m not strong enough to hold on!”
“Then trust me one more time Mi and let me do the holding.” Emmet whispered lowering his body down next to mine so he was almost laid on the bed before he wrapped his arms tightly around my body pulling my in close to him making it almost impossible to move which in a way helped make me feel more secure, after all if I was going to free fall it would hurt a lot les if I was wrapped up tight.
I wanted to do so many things but didn’t know which one of them was for the best so in the end I settled for the only one that I couldn’t actually control and screamed sobbing as my whole body reacted to the agony inside, I arched my back uncomfortably like an angry cat and curled my legs up into my chest just to try and keep my self together but I new I would fail, I now new that I would fall apart and it would be the most agonising pain that I had ever felt, losing Esmee was like losing Arabella she was as important a person in my life and losing her wasn’t something I would survive.
“Mi, oh my little thing.” Emmet soothed abandoning the chair next to my bed so he could sit down next to me. I was vaguely aware of him trying to move me out of the ball I had tucked my self into but I wouldn’t budge an inch so instead he rubbed my back in fast rhythmic circles.
“Your going to be OK, I know this really hurts OK but it will pass and you will be OK.”
“I am falling apart!” I sobbed unable to except what he said “I have nothing left to hold on to now, and everything is just falling away so fast, so, so fast!”
“ I am right here, you can hold on to me, I promise you I am strong and even if you do I won’t brake.” Emmet said in his smooth musical voice, it was surprising that it could be heard above my sobbing but it always had been before as it was now; it was like he had his own special frequency in my head.
“I’m not strong enough to hold on!”
“Then trust me one more time Mi and let me do the holding.” Emmet whispered lowering his body down next to mine so he was almost laid on the bed before he wrapped his arms tightly around my body pulling my in close to him making it almost impossible to move which in a way helped make me feel more secure, after all if I was going to free fall it would hurt a lot les if I was wrapped up tight.
white to black (Mi's side)
White to black
“Wow, wow.” Esmee shouted springing to catch me before my body hit down to the ground with the thump I was expecting.
“I’m Ok I’m all right, don’t worry about me.” I said hurriedly trying to shake her off as well as trying to get myfeet not to buckle against my own weight as I tried to support my self, this wasn’t meant to be about my self; this was for once meant to be about saving Esmee and I couldn’t even pull that off with any successes.
“Yep I can tell you are fine, just the small fact that you can’t support your own body weight have a chest full of half mended broken ribs, two lugs that keep collapsing in on them self’s at any given minute like a badly put up tent and an O2 sat that is dropping more every second that you are vertical and major surgery on your wrists and abdomen now lie the hell back down!” Esmee shouted overpowering my protests, pushing my body back down to the bed and dragging my legs back up so I was lying flat again,
“You lie bloody still and you get better I don’t want any more shit from you!” Esmee yelled angrily her face going a deep shade of red her eyes alight with a red twinge that I had only ever seen in my mothers eyes before.
“You have no idea what you did! You told me you where fine and in the same fucking hour I am dragging your drowned body out the bath and braking all your fucking ribs as your blood pisses all over the bathroom floor!”
“Esmee that is enough!” Emmet roared jumping to his feet and grabbing her by the shoulders spinning her around so she was looking at him. Her whole body shook with a fury that I had never seen in her before, her breathing was coming in short angry burst through her nose. I had broken the unbreakable, made an angel fall, turned the white swan to black and lost my only hope in one ill thought out sentence and yet that in it’s self seemed ridicules I had put her through so much more before.
“She want’s out so much let her do it I don’t care!”
“GET OUT NOW!” Emmet roared louder forcibly removing Esmee to the door by her shoulders and pushing her out but the sentence had all ready been said and my heart had all ready been obliterated into a million tiny bits, she had once saved me from total abyss yet now she had sent me back right into the depths of hell.
“Wow, wow.” Esmee shouted springing to catch me before my body hit down to the ground with the thump I was expecting.
“I’m Ok I’m all right, don’t worry about me.” I said hurriedly trying to shake her off as well as trying to get myfeet not to buckle against my own weight as I tried to support my self, this wasn’t meant to be about my self; this was for once meant to be about saving Esmee and I couldn’t even pull that off with any successes.
“Yep I can tell you are fine, just the small fact that you can’t support your own body weight have a chest full of half mended broken ribs, two lugs that keep collapsing in on them self’s at any given minute like a badly put up tent and an O2 sat that is dropping more every second that you are vertical and major surgery on your wrists and abdomen now lie the hell back down!” Esmee shouted overpowering my protests, pushing my body back down to the bed and dragging my legs back up so I was lying flat again,
“You lie bloody still and you get better I don’t want any more shit from you!” Esmee yelled angrily her face going a deep shade of red her eyes alight with a red twinge that I had only ever seen in my mothers eyes before.
“You have no idea what you did! You told me you where fine and in the same fucking hour I am dragging your drowned body out the bath and braking all your fucking ribs as your blood pisses all over the bathroom floor!”
“Esmee that is enough!” Emmet roared jumping to his feet and grabbing her by the shoulders spinning her around so she was looking at him. Her whole body shook with a fury that I had never seen in her before, her breathing was coming in short angry burst through her nose. I had broken the unbreakable, made an angel fall, turned the white swan to black and lost my only hope in one ill thought out sentence and yet that in it’s self seemed ridicules I had put her through so much more before.
“She want’s out so much let her do it I don’t care!”
“GET OUT NOW!” Emmet roared louder forcibly removing Esmee to the door by her shoulders and pushing her out but the sentence had all ready been said and my heart had all ready been obliterated into a million tiny bits, she had once saved me from total abyss yet now she had sent me back right into the depths of hell.
Monday, 16 May 2011
Her pain i created (mi's side)
Her pain I created
“Oh no.” I groaned closing my eyes trying to find the blackness again, I didn’t want to wake up here. I was looking for my sister and son not the pain, a pastel room and rather unattractive backless dress (gown) and… I tried to look up at the figure that had held the dish under my chin… Emmet and Esmee; the saving graces.
My body hurt too, so much so that I wished I was still under and every breath made a stabbing pain pierce into my chest making the whole concept of breathing just a little bit hard too to manage.
“Are you in pain baby girl?” Esmee asked gently leaning closer to the bed and taking my heavily bandaged hand into hers.
her face was tight and unnatural for Esmee’s her smile forced through a think layer of tears that made her face wet and her eyes red rimmed, something was hurting her far more then I had ever seen before and I almost aloud my self to weep with her’ her tears hurt me more then the physical pain ever could.
“Don’t cry Esmee.” I whispered Gently gripping my hand as much as I could around hers. I wish there was something more I could do to comfort her but I didn’t think my body would respond even if I tried to get it to move off of the bed.
“I’m not, I’m OK honey there is no need to worry about me.”
“Your lying to me, but I guess that’s OK, I lied to you too.” I said gently almost ashamed of what I had done. I did not regret the thought of my suicide, I regretted that it didn’t work and now I had to see her pain, I had counted on being dead so I didn’t have to watch the torment it might cause her.
Esmee’s face cracked and her bottom lip quivered which she bit down on as a tiny little half sob escaped her lips and new tears fell from her eyes so fast she couldn’t catch them in her hand ad her shoulders shook with the pressure of keeping her tears silent.
“Urgh! Why am I always confined to a bed when I need to do the comforting for once in my life?” I moaned trying to persuade my legs to spin round on the bed so I could get to my feet and wrap my arms around her, her cuddles had always helped me I hoped mine would do the same thing.
“Esmee why don’t you go out and take five minutes.” Emmet said gently placing his had on her shoulder which only caused the shaking to increase.
“No! Don’t go away, please.” I shouted as loud as I could though the pain ripped up through me, I couldn’t stand her walking away. “Just give her a damn hug or something!” I yelled at Emmet. “I mean I would but as I said I have the bed issue!”
Emmet did as I asked and pulled Esmee into his arms where she silently sobbed into his shoulder, I had never seen her like this, could scarcely imagine it even but here she was braking her heart mere feet away from me and I had a horrible idea that I new why and It was my fault.
“She found me didn’t she?” I asked weekly feeling the nausea roll inside me again.
“Yep,” Emmet nodded bending his head close to Esmee’s and kissing her gently on the top of her hair.
“I am sorry,” I said crying my self as I ripped my body from its lying position, I didn’t care how much it hurt if I had caused this pain I would sooth it too. “Esmee I am sorry it was you! I never wanted to hurt you!” I yelped as the pain hit me harder as I got to my feet but as I almost expected my legs weren’t strong enough to support me and my body went crashing down to meet the floor.
“Oh no.” I groaned closing my eyes trying to find the blackness again, I didn’t want to wake up here. I was looking for my sister and son not the pain, a pastel room and rather unattractive backless dress (gown) and… I tried to look up at the figure that had held the dish under my chin… Emmet and Esmee; the saving graces.
My body hurt too, so much so that I wished I was still under and every breath made a stabbing pain pierce into my chest making the whole concept of breathing just a little bit hard too to manage.
“Are you in pain baby girl?” Esmee asked gently leaning closer to the bed and taking my heavily bandaged hand into hers.
her face was tight and unnatural for Esmee’s her smile forced through a think layer of tears that made her face wet and her eyes red rimmed, something was hurting her far more then I had ever seen before and I almost aloud my self to weep with her’ her tears hurt me more then the physical pain ever could.
“Don’t cry Esmee.” I whispered Gently gripping my hand as much as I could around hers. I wish there was something more I could do to comfort her but I didn’t think my body would respond even if I tried to get it to move off of the bed.
“I’m not, I’m OK honey there is no need to worry about me.”
“Your lying to me, but I guess that’s OK, I lied to you too.” I said gently almost ashamed of what I had done. I did not regret the thought of my suicide, I regretted that it didn’t work and now I had to see her pain, I had counted on being dead so I didn’t have to watch the torment it might cause her.
Esmee’s face cracked and her bottom lip quivered which she bit down on as a tiny little half sob escaped her lips and new tears fell from her eyes so fast she couldn’t catch them in her hand ad her shoulders shook with the pressure of keeping her tears silent.
“Urgh! Why am I always confined to a bed when I need to do the comforting for once in my life?” I moaned trying to persuade my legs to spin round on the bed so I could get to my feet and wrap my arms around her, her cuddles had always helped me I hoped mine would do the same thing.
“Esmee why don’t you go out and take five minutes.” Emmet said gently placing his had on her shoulder which only caused the shaking to increase.
“No! Don’t go away, please.” I shouted as loud as I could though the pain ripped up through me, I couldn’t stand her walking away. “Just give her a damn hug or something!” I yelled at Emmet. “I mean I would but as I said I have the bed issue!”
Emmet did as I asked and pulled Esmee into his arms where she silently sobbed into his shoulder, I had never seen her like this, could scarcely imagine it even but here she was braking her heart mere feet away from me and I had a horrible idea that I new why and It was my fault.
“She found me didn’t she?” I asked weekly feeling the nausea roll inside me again.
“Yep,” Emmet nodded bending his head close to Esmee’s and kissing her gently on the top of her hair.
“I am sorry,” I said crying my self as I ripped my body from its lying position, I didn’t care how much it hurt if I had caused this pain I would sooth it too. “Esmee I am sorry it was you! I never wanted to hurt you!” I yelped as the pain hit me harder as I got to my feet but as I almost expected my legs weren’t strong enough to support me and my body went crashing down to meet the floor.
Sunday, 15 May 2011
(Mi's back!!!) Welcome back (Mi's side)
Mi
Mi's POV
Welcome back
Something blue pulsed inside my head dragging me away from the darkness that swam inside of me convincing me that I was not completely lost but there was nothing else either just the blue pulsating light against the back of my eyes and the whooshing sound; like the sound of the sea inside a shell.
I fort through the pulsing and the whooshing to try and find something more, the last thing that had stood in front of me was Arabella and my son and I had been so cruelly pulled away from them into nothing but maybe this was a second chance to find them if I could follow the pulsing they would be there again and this time I wouldn’t be sent away, I would find a way to hold on.
Soon the whooshing turned to beeping and mumbling and the blue light brighter inside my head until finally I broke through the barrier and blinked awake into a bright pastel coloured room.
“Good girl Mi open your eyes, open them up.”
The dream was over in an instant as I realised where I was and the nausea rolled angrily from my stomach and up my throat before erupting projectile out of my mouth into a bowl beside my chin.
“Welcome back Mi, we all missed you.”
Bloody fantastic
(Esmee) electrifying truth (Mi's side)
Hi everyone! I am very excited about this bit! and have been working towards it for ages! Please let me know your reactions!!!!!! thanks. :-)
electrifying truth
“You know every time I have to bandage you up I get the odd urge to get loads of these and completely wrap you up from head to toe.” Emmet said absent minded as he started wrapping a bandage around my leg.
“Interesting sexual fantasy you have there my dear.” I said raising my eye brows at him and smiling, I new this wasn’t what he had meant but somehow through all the carnage and confusion my cheeky side had emerged on top; it was my defence mechanism, I could only feel the big things for so long until I decided that they didn’t matter and I turned them into a joke.
“You know that isn’t what I meant, though the idea is intriguing I suppose.” Emmet answered grinning as he started tapping the end of one of the bandages down against the skin.
“Emmet!”
“You started it! But no, that isn’t what I meant any way. What I meant is I want to keep you safe and look after you it just seems like a good symbolic way.”
“I don’t think you would be able to get them around the enormous amount of cotton wool that you have me wrapped up in” I said softly smiling at him, it was not meant to be a mean comment or sarcastic, I new that all of Emmet’s smiles where forced for my behalf right now, all my cuts cut him as much as they did me.
“Another layer of protection couldn’t hurt, I love you too much to let the bad things get to you so often, so I’m upping the defences around you.”
“Ok, I might need it any way, I dread to think of what monsters might be contained in this file.” I whispered once again stroking the old front cover like it was an animal and if I stopped the thing might of come alive and started snapping at me.
“It will just be a name my love, you wont know her, there will be nothing in their to hurt you. I will read it for you if you want.” Emmet said gently curling him self up next to me so we where both laid out on the cramped single bed. Face to face.
“You would do that?” I asked pressing my hand up against his chest where his heart was so I could try and feel it beating. I had always had a thing with heart beats, I found them strangely comforting as most children do but for some reason I had never gotten over it.
“Of course I would.”
“OK,” I said nodding me head and pressing the folder to Emmet’s body, it felt good not to carrying the burden of it’s weight alone.
Slowly Emmet sat back up again and punched on the side of the bed opening the clasp to the first page of the folder with a smile on his face but as soon as he started reading it changed the colour draining from his features his mouth hanging open but no words could come out, what ever he saw was obviously far more shocking then every one thought.
“What! What!” I shouted grabbing the folder from Emmet’s grip with out any trouble so I could look at the same page. Something inside me expected to see a gruesome drawing on the page or a letter smeared in blood but the documents looked normal and offichel so I started reading down the list of things and that is when my reaction turned the same.
The blood drained from my face as more and more details where confirmed of a women that I had already read about before, had all ready seen around until at the end of the page written in a messy hand writing was a name that confirmed what was written above Tigerlilly Lin Dorado.
“Oh my god!” I shrieked throwing the folder off of my lap like it had just electrocuted me with a thousand volts, “Mi’s my sister!”
electrifying truth
“You know every time I have to bandage you up I get the odd urge to get loads of these and completely wrap you up from head to toe.” Emmet said absent minded as he started wrapping a bandage around my leg.
“Interesting sexual fantasy you have there my dear.” I said raising my eye brows at him and smiling, I new this wasn’t what he had meant but somehow through all the carnage and confusion my cheeky side had emerged on top; it was my defence mechanism, I could only feel the big things for so long until I decided that they didn’t matter and I turned them into a joke.
“You know that isn’t what I meant, though the idea is intriguing I suppose.” Emmet answered grinning as he started tapping the end of one of the bandages down against the skin.
“Emmet!”
“You started it! But no, that isn’t what I meant any way. What I meant is I want to keep you safe and look after you it just seems like a good symbolic way.”
“I don’t think you would be able to get them around the enormous amount of cotton wool that you have me wrapped up in” I said softly smiling at him, it was not meant to be a mean comment or sarcastic, I new that all of Emmet’s smiles where forced for my behalf right now, all my cuts cut him as much as they did me.
“Another layer of protection couldn’t hurt, I love you too much to let the bad things get to you so often, so I’m upping the defences around you.”
“Ok, I might need it any way, I dread to think of what monsters might be contained in this file.” I whispered once again stroking the old front cover like it was an animal and if I stopped the thing might of come alive and started snapping at me.
“It will just be a name my love, you wont know her, there will be nothing in their to hurt you. I will read it for you if you want.” Emmet said gently curling him self up next to me so we where both laid out on the cramped single bed. Face to face.
“You would do that?” I asked pressing my hand up against his chest where his heart was so I could try and feel it beating. I had always had a thing with heart beats, I found them strangely comforting as most children do but for some reason I had never gotten over it.
“Of course I would.”
“OK,” I said nodding me head and pressing the folder to Emmet’s body, it felt good not to carrying the burden of it’s weight alone.
Slowly Emmet sat back up again and punched on the side of the bed opening the clasp to the first page of the folder with a smile on his face but as soon as he started reading it changed the colour draining from his features his mouth hanging open but no words could come out, what ever he saw was obviously far more shocking then every one thought.
“What! What!” I shouted grabbing the folder from Emmet’s grip with out any trouble so I could look at the same page. Something inside me expected to see a gruesome drawing on the page or a letter smeared in blood but the documents looked normal and offichel so I started reading down the list of things and that is when my reaction turned the same.
The blood drained from my face as more and more details where confirmed of a women that I had already read about before, had all ready seen around until at the end of the page written in a messy hand writing was a name that confirmed what was written above Tigerlilly Lin Dorado.
“Oh my god!” I shrieked throwing the folder off of my lap like it had just electrocuted me with a thousand volts, “Mi’s my sister!”
Saturday, 14 May 2011
(Esmee) my kitten too (Mi's side)
My kitten too.
A few minutes later my mum came back into my room with an old looking brown file across her chest. It surprised me slightly at the size of the file. I was used to big files but it seemed the whole thing could have done with being a lot smaller. After all what could have been in there? It also seemed surreal seeing a file on my self. I new there must have been hundreds of them littered all over the place with my history of hospitalization but here was one that was written about me before I could even support my own body weight.
“I know this will be heard my love.” My mum said softly handing me the file and handing Emmet two crisp white bandages and different dressings. It seemed strange that even though I hadn’t lived at home with her for over five years she still new and kept all the things that where needed to dress the wounds I had caused.
“Why dose the file say Esmeralda May Monster on the front?” I asked gently stroking my hand over the ink on the front cover.
“That’s what your birth mother called you but as you where only days old when we got you we where aloud to change it. We thought it was a bit wordy so we took the two names and squished them together somewhat, hence Esmee.” My mum said softly stroking her fingers over the raised scars on my arms. Which made me shiver slightly, I new every one hurt her as much as they hurt Emmet but she never shyed away from them in fact she liked to stroke them, it was like she was constantly trying to rub tem better but she new she never could.
“Thanks.”
“What for kitten?”
“School was hard enough with out being associated with the hunchback of Notre Dame.” I laughed.
“trust you to think of that.” Mum said laughing too before rising from the edge of me bed again and stretching. “Look I think you need to read this on your own so you don’t feel pressured by me. Emmet is here for you and I’m not far away.” My mum said smiling at me before turning to Emmet, “ Look after my Kitten young man.”
“Try and stop me,” Emmet said smiling “She’s my kitten too.”
A few minutes later my mum came back into my room with an old looking brown file across her chest. It surprised me slightly at the size of the file. I was used to big files but it seemed the whole thing could have done with being a lot smaller. After all what could have been in there? It also seemed surreal seeing a file on my self. I new there must have been hundreds of them littered all over the place with my history of hospitalization but here was one that was written about me before I could even support my own body weight.
“I know this will be heard my love.” My mum said softly handing me the file and handing Emmet two crisp white bandages and different dressings. It seemed strange that even though I hadn’t lived at home with her for over five years she still new and kept all the things that where needed to dress the wounds I had caused.
“Why dose the file say Esmeralda May Monster on the front?” I asked gently stroking my hand over the ink on the front cover.
“That’s what your birth mother called you but as you where only days old when we got you we where aloud to change it. We thought it was a bit wordy so we took the two names and squished them together somewhat, hence Esmee.” My mum said softly stroking her fingers over the raised scars on my arms. Which made me shiver slightly, I new every one hurt her as much as they hurt Emmet but she never shyed away from them in fact she liked to stroke them, it was like she was constantly trying to rub tem better but she new she never could.
“Thanks.”
“What for kitten?”
“School was hard enough with out being associated with the hunchback of Notre Dame.” I laughed.
“trust you to think of that.” Mum said laughing too before rising from the edge of me bed again and stretching. “Look I think you need to read this on your own so you don’t feel pressured by me. Emmet is here for you and I’m not far away.” My mum said smiling at me before turning to Emmet, “ Look after my Kitten young man.”
“Try and stop me,” Emmet said smiling “She’s my kitten too.”
(Esmee) bloods still bad (Mi's side)
Bloods still bad
“If I say yes, what will you think?” I asked gently against the tears forced there way into my eyes.
“I will think the my twenty seven year old daughter want’s to know where she come from, and I think that, that is good.”
“But you’re my mum, no one else, I don’t want any one else if I could of lived in you for nine moths I would have, I didn’t choose my mother.” I wept burying my face into my hands.
“I would stop crying or you will start your husband off and I all ready see him as a six foot seven teddy bear, If he starts crying I may have to give him a big squishy hug.” my mum whispered bending down close to my ear which made me laugh She always new how to make me smile.
“I love you, I hope you know how much, because I can’t describe it, it’s a too big a feeling.”
“You’re my precious little kitten and I love you more then you will ever know and I know you love me too. Looking at a piece of paper with the name of a stranger printed on it Esmee won’t change the relationship between you and me or you and your dad. So I’m going to go and get your file and some bandages for your legs so teddy bear here can patch you up together again.”
“I’m sorry that happened, I don’t know what I was thinking, to do that here of all places.” I moaned kicking my self inside for what I had done; it seemed natural at the time, at the time of the cutting it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the actual act. I could have been anywhere in front of anyone and it wouldn’t of mattered. The end of the world could have come and I would have died with the razor in my hand but only now after the damage was done it did that seem so very stupid.
“I’m sorry I over reacted it was a bit of a shock and I’m not a nurse, to me blood any blood in the out side of the skin is a bad thing. That’s still then general rule isn’t it?” Mum asked pulling one of her faces as she got to her feet making Emmet and my self giggle like two overgrown school children on a sleep over.
“Yeah, blood’s still bad.” I smiled and with a quick wink my mum left the room to get the file that would revel my biggest secrets.
“If I say yes, what will you think?” I asked gently against the tears forced there way into my eyes.
“I will think the my twenty seven year old daughter want’s to know where she come from, and I think that, that is good.”
“But you’re my mum, no one else, I don’t want any one else if I could of lived in you for nine moths I would have, I didn’t choose my mother.” I wept burying my face into my hands.
“I would stop crying or you will start your husband off and I all ready see him as a six foot seven teddy bear, If he starts crying I may have to give him a big squishy hug.” my mum whispered bending down close to my ear which made me laugh She always new how to make me smile.
“I love you, I hope you know how much, because I can’t describe it, it’s a too big a feeling.”
“You’re my precious little kitten and I love you more then you will ever know and I know you love me too. Looking at a piece of paper with the name of a stranger printed on it Esmee won’t change the relationship between you and me or you and your dad. So I’m going to go and get your file and some bandages for your legs so teddy bear here can patch you up together again.”
“I’m sorry that happened, I don’t know what I was thinking, to do that here of all places.” I moaned kicking my self inside for what I had done; it seemed natural at the time, at the time of the cutting it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the actual act. I could have been anywhere in front of anyone and it wouldn’t of mattered. The end of the world could have come and I would have died with the razor in my hand but only now after the damage was done it did that seem so very stupid.
“I’m sorry I over reacted it was a bit of a shock and I’m not a nurse, to me blood any blood in the out side of the skin is a bad thing. That’s still then general rule isn’t it?” Mum asked pulling one of her faces as she got to her feet making Emmet and my self giggle like two overgrown school children on a sleep over.
“Yeah, blood’s still bad.” I smiled and with a quick wink my mum left the room to get the file that would revel my biggest secrets.
(Esmee) a gift (Mi's side)
A gift
“Mummy I’m sorry.” I shouted scrambling off of the bed and to my feet so I could pursue her if she walked away from me. It had been two long to lose my mum to a stranger I didn’t know and I would run to the ends of the earth after her.
“Hush my baby, hush.” My mum said gently catching me by the arm and leading me back to the bed before laying me down on top of the covers and sitting her self delicately on the side gently holding my hand in hers.
My mother was a plump little lady with lightly tanned skin and short straight ash blond hair that that sat unruly on her head doing exactly what it wanted when it felt like doing it. She had small kind light blue eyes and wore rimless spectacles half way down her nose so she still landed up squinting at everything she did because she was forever looking over them.
“I’m sorry mum, you where never… I mean I didn’t… I mean it …” I babbled trying to find the right words to say but came up short. I mean what could I say? I had lied to her about not wanting to see the file since I was a child and she had found out about it when I was talking behind her back.
“Hush Kitten, let me talk.” My mum soothed lightly pressing her finger tip to my lips which caused me to smile, we had so much connection with each other that the whole idea of a file telling me someone else was my mother seemed ludicrous.
“When you where little I went through hell and high water to get your adoption file because I always wanted you to know the truth. I unfortunately could not take you as one of my creations. you where a gift; a beautiful, amazing, once in a life time gift but I new there was someone else out there that carried you for nine months so you where there gift too and I should not take that away from them, or you. The file is in my bedroom Esmee, it has been there for years waiting for you, I think it’s time that you see it.”
“Mummy I’m sorry.” I shouted scrambling off of the bed and to my feet so I could pursue her if she walked away from me. It had been two long to lose my mum to a stranger I didn’t know and I would run to the ends of the earth after her.
“Hush my baby, hush.” My mum said gently catching me by the arm and leading me back to the bed before laying me down on top of the covers and sitting her self delicately on the side gently holding my hand in hers.
My mother was a plump little lady with lightly tanned skin and short straight ash blond hair that that sat unruly on her head doing exactly what it wanted when it felt like doing it. She had small kind light blue eyes and wore rimless spectacles half way down her nose so she still landed up squinting at everything she did because she was forever looking over them.
“I’m sorry mum, you where never… I mean I didn’t… I mean it …” I babbled trying to find the right words to say but came up short. I mean what could I say? I had lied to her about not wanting to see the file since I was a child and she had found out about it when I was talking behind her back.
“Hush Kitten, let me talk.” My mum soothed lightly pressing her finger tip to my lips which caused me to smile, we had so much connection with each other that the whole idea of a file telling me someone else was my mother seemed ludicrous.
“When you where little I went through hell and high water to get your adoption file because I always wanted you to know the truth. I unfortunately could not take you as one of my creations. you where a gift; a beautiful, amazing, once in a life time gift but I new there was someone else out there that carried you for nine months so you where there gift too and I should not take that away from them, or you. The file is in my bedroom Esmee, it has been there for years waiting for you, I think it’s time that you see it.”
second part sent.
Hi every one just me again. It's time to check your inboxes as i have sent the second part of the story to all of you by e-mail. If you havn't got a copy it means i haven't got your e-mail adreess or there was a problem with it so if you havent got a copy and you want one drop me a line.
The e-mail has no subject (i am a donut and forgot to write one) but it is the whole story upto where i stoped edating. (I think it's whrere Mi is in the hospital bathroom with Emmet and she has just revield to him what used to happen to her)
I hope you all enjoy the read as much as i enjoy writing it as always i love to here all of your ideas and comments so drop me a line.
thanks all, love vikki
The e-mail has no subject (i am a donut and forgot to write one) but it is the whole story upto where i stoped edating. (I think it's whrere Mi is in the hospital bathroom with Emmet and she has just revield to him what used to happen to her)
I hope you all enjoy the read as much as i enjoy writing it as always i love to here all of your ideas and comments so drop me a line.
thanks all, love vikki
Friday, 13 May 2011
(Esmee) this is why (Mi's siide)
This is why
Emmet Carried me to my old bedroom in my parents house and lied me down on the still somewhat familiar bed. My parents had not changed my room much from the time I had left when I was 16, they always expected me to return to it after my stay at the hospital but I never had. I stayed in the hospital for nearly two years and when I finally got to leave more to the fact I was too old to stay rather then I made much progress i went in to supported housing for a few months before to there utter surprise and deep concern I moved in with Emmet. It was with him I finally started to make progress and get better. After all of this though my parents still kept my room open for me saying they wanted me to know that I always had a home with them.
“This is why Emmet,” I said gently looking around the room and smiling before breathing in deeply so I could smell the fabric conditioner that mum used on her sheets, it had always been a comforting smell to me.
“what is why?” Emmet asked gently stroking his fingers through my hair
“Why I could never look at my adoption file or even tell you that I was adopted, look at this room and what do you see? I see a home, my home and it is here in this house with my mum and my dad who taught me how to walk and talk and kept a damn height chart of me on their door frame. Hell I even caught my mum trying to make a mark of my height on there a few days ago and i’m twenty seven years old. “ I said laughing “All of this is here with them. For some reason I can’t see my birth mother having a height chart of me on the door frame of her house or have a room all set up for me if I ever wanted to come home.”
“I understand that I really do, I know you love your mum to bits even when you hate her but have you never wanted to know your birth mothers name or what she looked like, why she couldn’t keep you?” Emmet asked gently while he tried to prop my legs up on some cushions at the end of my bed.
“Of course I want to know Emmet but how could I do that to my mum and dad? It’s like saying you weren’t good enough and it isn’t true, they where amazing parents. Yes they made mistakes but what parent hasn’t? I know we have made a few and I am sure we will make a few more before Mia grows old. This is the biggest thank you I can give them Emmet, by not looking at that file I am confirming to them that they are the only parents I could ever want or wish for.” I said before turning my head to the right and seeing my mother standing silently at the door, she had heard everything I had just said
Emmet Carried me to my old bedroom in my parents house and lied me down on the still somewhat familiar bed. My parents had not changed my room much from the time I had left when I was 16, they always expected me to return to it after my stay at the hospital but I never had. I stayed in the hospital for nearly two years and when I finally got to leave more to the fact I was too old to stay rather then I made much progress i went in to supported housing for a few months before to there utter surprise and deep concern I moved in with Emmet. It was with him I finally started to make progress and get better. After all of this though my parents still kept my room open for me saying they wanted me to know that I always had a home with them.
“This is why Emmet,” I said gently looking around the room and smiling before breathing in deeply so I could smell the fabric conditioner that mum used on her sheets, it had always been a comforting smell to me.
“what is why?” Emmet asked gently stroking his fingers through my hair
“Why I could never look at my adoption file or even tell you that I was adopted, look at this room and what do you see? I see a home, my home and it is here in this house with my mum and my dad who taught me how to walk and talk and kept a damn height chart of me on their door frame. Hell I even caught my mum trying to make a mark of my height on there a few days ago and i’m twenty seven years old. “ I said laughing “All of this is here with them. For some reason I can’t see my birth mother having a height chart of me on the door frame of her house or have a room all set up for me if I ever wanted to come home.”
“I understand that I really do, I know you love your mum to bits even when you hate her but have you never wanted to know your birth mothers name or what she looked like, why she couldn’t keep you?” Emmet asked gently while he tried to prop my legs up on some cushions at the end of my bed.
“Of course I want to know Emmet but how could I do that to my mum and dad? It’s like saying you weren’t good enough and it isn’t true, they where amazing parents. Yes they made mistakes but what parent hasn’t? I know we have made a few and I am sure we will make a few more before Mia grows old. This is the biggest thank you I can give them Emmet, by not looking at that file I am confirming to them that they are the only parents I could ever want or wish for.” I said before turning my head to the right and seeing my mother standing silently at the door, she had heard everything I had just said
(Esmee) I will look after you (Mi's side)
I will look after you
“This journey, it is never ending, don’t get me wrong Em I am inclined to agree with you, it really would be worth making no matter how long it was if it had an end, but I have news for you, it never ends.”
“Then we will just enjoy the ride won’t we.” Emmet whispered splashing water up onto my other leg while dabbing away the dried blood gently with the towel trying to reveal the cuts underneath so he could examine each one with care pushing the edges together with his fingers.
My upper body shook violently in irregular spasms as my leg other leg become clear of all dried blood and the full damaged was revealed. There must have been over fifty of them, some of them no bigger then a paper cut others longer and deeper that gapped open ever so slightly at the edges each one different from the other in some way with only one connection to link them all together, I was their creator.
“I feel a bit sick.” I moaned tearing my eyes away from the cuts that littered my legs and looking back over my shoulder only to be greeted by my congealed blood that had gathered in to sticky almost black puddles on the tiles.
“Oh hell,” I urged pulling my heavy body back out of the bath and over to the toilet where I threw up painfully.
“Ok, it’s all right.” Emmet soothed joining me on his hands and knees so he could rub my back gently and offer comfort. “Your doing OK, it’s all going to be fine.”
“I feel like shit.” I groaned resting my head against the toilet seat and closing my eyes to try and block everything out.
“Your bound to baby, you have been through a lot but I’m here now, I will look after you.” Emmet comforted gently before he got to his feet and bent down picking my up into his protective arms and carrying me out of the bathroom.
“This journey, it is never ending, don’t get me wrong Em I am inclined to agree with you, it really would be worth making no matter how long it was if it had an end, but I have news for you, it never ends.”
“Then we will just enjoy the ride won’t we.” Emmet whispered splashing water up onto my other leg while dabbing away the dried blood gently with the towel trying to reveal the cuts underneath so he could examine each one with care pushing the edges together with his fingers.
My upper body shook violently in irregular spasms as my leg other leg become clear of all dried blood and the full damaged was revealed. There must have been over fifty of them, some of them no bigger then a paper cut others longer and deeper that gapped open ever so slightly at the edges each one different from the other in some way with only one connection to link them all together, I was their creator.
“I feel a bit sick.” I moaned tearing my eyes away from the cuts that littered my legs and looking back over my shoulder only to be greeted by my congealed blood that had gathered in to sticky almost black puddles on the tiles.
“Oh hell,” I urged pulling my heavy body back out of the bath and over to the toilet where I threw up painfully.
“Ok, it’s all right.” Emmet soothed joining me on his hands and knees so he could rub my back gently and offer comfort. “Your doing OK, it’s all going to be fine.”
“I feel like shit.” I groaned resting my head against the toilet seat and closing my eyes to try and block everything out.
“Your bound to baby, you have been through a lot but I’m here now, I will look after you.” Emmet comforted gently before he got to his feet and bent down picking my up into his protective arms and carrying me out of the bathroom.
Monday, 9 May 2011
(Esmee) A journy woth making (Mis side)
A journey worth making
“Wow, it’s all right honey bear, it’s all right sweet heart.” Emmet hushed sympathetically putting his arm around my shoulder and holding me close. He had no idea why I was crying, he truly didn’t mind looking after me like I was on of the units patients; he truly didn’t mind doing anything for me.
I tried to control my crying quickly, I didn’t want to cry here no matter how bad I felt, I just wanted this bit over with once my legs where under bandages I could start to try and forget about them but right here right now they where very real, like a giant pulsing neon sign showing just how much I had lost control of my actions.
“I’m fine.” I stuttered holding my breath to keep back the tears “Lets just get this done with.” I moaned starting to wash off the blood on the other leg roughly making the cuts start to bleed again.
“Wow, wow, gentle,” Emmet said taking hold of my hands “You’re going to hurt your self doing it like that.”
“Oh and wouldn’t that be a tragedy!” I chirped sarcastically turning my head away so Emmet couldn’t see the tears fall from my eyes again.
“Yes, it would be, to cause you any unnecessary pain is a tragedy.” Emmet confirmed cupping one of his hands around the side of my face and pulling it back to look at his while wiping the tear drops off with his thumb.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything.” I whispered barley audible as more fresh tears took over me and fell down over my cheeks
“Esmee, this is bad OK, your right, you cut a lot here, more then you have done in a long time but it isn’t the end of the world. Don’t get me wrong I never want you to harm your self but I except that sometimes it happens and it has so don’t beat your self up about it. Lets patch these up and work on not letting it happen again. You can still beat self harm Esmee, so you might hit some bumps along the way, No one ever said the journy would be flawless or easy easy, but what I can tell you with out any doubt it is one worth making.”
“Wow, it’s all right honey bear, it’s all right sweet heart.” Emmet hushed sympathetically putting his arm around my shoulder and holding me close. He had no idea why I was crying, he truly didn’t mind looking after me like I was on of the units patients; he truly didn’t mind doing anything for me.
I tried to control my crying quickly, I didn’t want to cry here no matter how bad I felt, I just wanted this bit over with once my legs where under bandages I could start to try and forget about them but right here right now they where very real, like a giant pulsing neon sign showing just how much I had lost control of my actions.
“I’m fine.” I stuttered holding my breath to keep back the tears “Lets just get this done with.” I moaned starting to wash off the blood on the other leg roughly making the cuts start to bleed again.
“Wow, wow, gentle,” Emmet said taking hold of my hands “You’re going to hurt your self doing it like that.”
“Oh and wouldn’t that be a tragedy!” I chirped sarcastically turning my head away so Emmet couldn’t see the tears fall from my eyes again.
“Yes, it would be, to cause you any unnecessary pain is a tragedy.” Emmet confirmed cupping one of his hands around the side of my face and pulling it back to look at his while wiping the tear drops off with his thumb.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything.” I whispered barley audible as more fresh tears took over me and fell down over my cheeks
“Esmee, this is bad OK, your right, you cut a lot here, more then you have done in a long time but it isn’t the end of the world. Don’t get me wrong I never want you to harm your self but I except that sometimes it happens and it has so don’t beat your self up about it. Lets patch these up and work on not letting it happen again. You can still beat self harm Esmee, so you might hit some bumps along the way, No one ever said the journy would be flawless or easy easy, but what I can tell you with out any doubt it is one worth making.”
Sunday, 8 May 2011
(Esmee) How did it come to this? (Mi's side)
How did it come to this?
“don’t ever talk like that! Ever , I mean it.” I stuttered trying to imagine my husbands own suicide. It made no sense, even with out me he was amazing he needed to be here, he needed to keep on living above everything.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He whispered gently bowing his head down close to mine so are forehead’s touched together, “I am yours forever.”
“I’m yours too.”
“Can I sort your legs out now?”
I sighed knowing the time had to come. I wanted to forget what I had done and hoped that if I had just stayed there long enough what I had done would be erased somehow but it hadn’t and the time had come to take responsibility for my actions again.
“I am sorry, I have really messed up this time.” I whispered ashamed as I uncurled my body and sat up revealing the damage to my legs. They where a mess of jagged slices none of them to deep to hurt but all of them enough to leave a mark and there where loads, more then I had done for over five years.
“Oh darling,” Emmet soothed sympathetically looking at me legs as he got to his feet and turned the taps on over the bath tub. He was also covered in my bloody from where he lay on the floor. I had not felt so small for a long time, this was not the actions of the independent professional women I had tried to become but the out of control teenager that I once was; the out of control teenager I had fort so hard to let go.
“I think the best thing for you to sit on the edge of the bath with your legs in the tub that way I can bath them off better.” Emmet instructed giving me his hand to help pull me up from the floor.
I did as I was told with out question and in silence biting down on my lip to stop me from bursting into tears again; I felt so degraded, I was a teenager the last time he had done this I never though all those years later it would come back again. How had it come to this?
“I am sorry if this hurts.” Emmet said again softly leaning over the bath and sponging off my legs with a wet towel trying to remove all the dried blood to reveal the real damage underneath. Each new cut that became apparent felt like it cut me all over again as the water turned a dirty brown colour from all of the blood until finally after the devastation of my right leg was completely revealed I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer and they erupted from my chest in a heavy sob.
“don’t ever talk like that! Ever , I mean it.” I stuttered trying to imagine my husbands own suicide. It made no sense, even with out me he was amazing he needed to be here, he needed to keep on living above everything.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He whispered gently bowing his head down close to mine so are forehead’s touched together, “I am yours forever.”
“I’m yours too.”
“Can I sort your legs out now?”
I sighed knowing the time had to come. I wanted to forget what I had done and hoped that if I had just stayed there long enough what I had done would be erased somehow but it hadn’t and the time had come to take responsibility for my actions again.
“I am sorry, I have really messed up this time.” I whispered ashamed as I uncurled my body and sat up revealing the damage to my legs. They where a mess of jagged slices none of them to deep to hurt but all of them enough to leave a mark and there where loads, more then I had done for over five years.
“Oh darling,” Emmet soothed sympathetically looking at me legs as he got to his feet and turned the taps on over the bath tub. He was also covered in my bloody from where he lay on the floor. I had not felt so small for a long time, this was not the actions of the independent professional women I had tried to become but the out of control teenager that I once was; the out of control teenager I had fort so hard to let go.
“I think the best thing for you to sit on the edge of the bath with your legs in the tub that way I can bath them off better.” Emmet instructed giving me his hand to help pull me up from the floor.
I did as I was told with out question and in silence biting down on my lip to stop me from bursting into tears again; I felt so degraded, I was a teenager the last time he had done this I never though all those years later it would come back again. How had it come to this?
“I am sorry if this hurts.” Emmet said again softly leaning over the bath and sponging off my legs with a wet towel trying to remove all the dried blood to reveal the real damage underneath. Each new cut that became apparent felt like it cut me all over again as the water turned a dirty brown colour from all of the blood until finally after the devastation of my right leg was completely revealed I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer and they erupted from my chest in a heavy sob.
Saturday, 7 May 2011
(Esmee) I survive for you (Mi's side)
I survive for you
Emmet and my self stayed on the floor for a long time. I wasn’t sure how long exactly but it must have been hours as the sun had now set in the sky and we where lying in the gloom with just the hall way light for illumination.
My father had done the rounds for the children and brought them back home our house where he had stayed with them while my mother occasionally hovered at the bathroom door like a ghost before sighing and walking away. My mother had no idea how each one of those sighs destroyed me. I wanted so much to be good enough for her and though she always told me that she loved me and wouldn’t change me for the world there was always a bit of me that though she expected so much more of me; more that I should have been able to give.
“What’s the matter? You have gone all stiff again?” Emmet asked gently kissing me on the fore head
“How to be perfect, you all deserve so much more.”
“I have exactly what I want.”
“So you like lying in my blood on my mothers bathroom floor?”
“I want you forever and always, what ever comes with that comes with that.”
“I tried to walk away for you Emmet, I tried to set you free.” I whispered tracing patterns with the tip of my finger onto his chest
“Set me free? You have no idea how much you mean to me do you?” Emmet said pulling me closer to him and wrapping his arms around me protectively like he was scared I might vanish into thin air, or turn to dust in his hands. “When you mother called I was writing a note.”
“A note?”
“My suicide note. For the first time in my entire life I didn’t want to live. I didn’t know pain like that existed, there was just the blackness and the sadness, there was no light, there was no hope, there was just this empty void,” Emmet gulped his voice thick with tears. “I was wrong Esmee when I said you had to survive for your self. I never really saw it till now but I survive for you.”
Emmet and my self stayed on the floor for a long time. I wasn’t sure how long exactly but it must have been hours as the sun had now set in the sky and we where lying in the gloom with just the hall way light for illumination.
My father had done the rounds for the children and brought them back home our house where he had stayed with them while my mother occasionally hovered at the bathroom door like a ghost before sighing and walking away. My mother had no idea how each one of those sighs destroyed me. I wanted so much to be good enough for her and though she always told me that she loved me and wouldn’t change me for the world there was always a bit of me that though she expected so much more of me; more that I should have been able to give.
“What’s the matter? You have gone all stiff again?” Emmet asked gently kissing me on the fore head
“How to be perfect, you all deserve so much more.”
“I have exactly what I want.”
“So you like lying in my blood on my mothers bathroom floor?”
“I want you forever and always, what ever comes with that comes with that.”
“I tried to walk away for you Emmet, I tried to set you free.” I whispered tracing patterns with the tip of my finger onto his chest
“Set me free? You have no idea how much you mean to me do you?” Emmet said pulling me closer to him and wrapping his arms around me protectively like he was scared I might vanish into thin air, or turn to dust in his hands. “When you mother called I was writing a note.”
“A note?”
“My suicide note. For the first time in my entire life I didn’t want to live. I didn’t know pain like that existed, there was just the blackness and the sadness, there was no light, there was no hope, there was just this empty void,” Emmet gulped his voice thick with tears. “I was wrong Esmee when I said you had to survive for your self. I never really saw it till now but I survive for you.”
Friday, 6 May 2011
(Esmee) reunited (Mi's side)
Reunited
After I screamed till my lungs hurt I curled up in the foetal position and wept heavily my body shuddering in time with my crying. I had no idea where the tears come from, but they had come and they couldn’t be stopped.
“Oh my baby, Oh my sweet, darling love.” Emmet whispered gently as he got to his knees next to my curled up body covering him self in my blood. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” He soothed again lying on the bathroom floor next to me so we where lying face to face. Emmet’s expression was pained like it always was when he herd me cry but he hid it well once again he was there for me; I know he would see me through.
“Please don’t leave me.” I sobbed trying to gulp in air through my discordant sobs. “I know I am a silly girl but please don’t leave me.” I begged. I new I didn’t deserve this kind and loving man, and I new I had been the one to try and leave him but the truth is I just couldn’t see anything with out him, only the pain and the darkness. Even my suicide would bring no relief if he wasn’t there waiting for me. He was the very air that I breathed, the life that flowed all around me, he was my soul.
“Your not a silly girl,” Emmet whispered swallowing hard against his own tears. “I am so sorry i hurt you. You are kind and beautiful and I promise I will never leave you.” Emmet whispered gently, pulling my body up close to his where I fit perfectly like two half’s of a broken heart reunited together again.
We’ll do it all, everything, on are own
We don’t need anything, or anyone
If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me,
And just forget the world?
Chasing cars
Snow patrol
“Oh my baby, Oh my sweet, darling love.” Emmet whispered gently as he got to his knees next to my curled up body covering him self in my blood. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” He soothed again lying on the bathroom floor next to me so we where lying face to face. Emmet’s expression was pained like it always was when he herd me cry but he hid it well once again he was there for me; I know he would see me through.
“Please don’t leave me.” I sobbed trying to gulp in air through my discordant sobs. “I know I am a silly girl but please don’t leave me.” I begged. I new I didn’t deserve this kind and loving man, and I new I had been the one to try and leave him but the truth is I just couldn’t see anything with out him, only the pain and the darkness. Even my suicide would bring no relief if he wasn’t there waiting for me. He was the very air that I breathed, the life that flowed all around me, he was my soul.
“Your not a silly girl,” Emmet whispered swallowing hard against his own tears. “I am so sorry i hurt you. You are kind and beautiful and I promise I will never leave you.” Emmet whispered gently, pulling my body up close to his where I fit perfectly like two half’s of a broken heart reunited together again.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
(Esmee) Shouthing down the shouting (mi's side)
Shouting down the shouting
“My door, My daughter!” my mother yelled stumbling over her own feet as she took two steps back away from the bathroom and into the hall way. For her I was replaying her worse nightmares, she thought all this was over when she prised my fingers off of hers at the door to apple gate unit. All those years ago. Dr. Summers had promised her a cure to my taboo behaviour and she accepted this as fact; blinded by all the fancy letters after his name.
“I’ll… I’ll call an ambulance.”
“No!” Emmet and my self shouted simultaneously, so loudly it made my mum stumble again.
“What do you mean no? Are you both insane? Look at the blood! I don’t care what you idiots say I am calling, my daughter isn’t bleeding to death on my bathroom floor.” I my mum argued puffing her self up to her full height before stumbling towards her bedroom to get the phone.
“Liz, stop,” Emmet yelled running after my mother an grabbing hold of her before she could get to her room.
“Young man, I don’t know what the hell has got into you but you must let me go this instant!”
“I can’t do that!”
“I thought you loved my daughter!”
“I do love her, why do you think I am doing this!”
“She is bleeding to death Emmet, she needs and ambulance!”
“She is not bleeding to death Liz. If she was you would have to beat me to the fucking phone, now calm the hell down and let me sought her out!”
“She’s my daughter!”
“She’s my universe!”
I tried to stop it but I could not and before I new it I opened my mouth and screamed at the top of my lungs. The crying wasn’t enough, and all the blood in the world could not of stopped the shouting that rang through my ears as they argued so I did the only thing I could. I shouted louder then all of them.
“My door, My daughter!” my mother yelled stumbling over her own feet as she took two steps back away from the bathroom and into the hall way. For her I was replaying her worse nightmares, she thought all this was over when she prised my fingers off of hers at the door to apple gate unit. All those years ago. Dr. Summers had promised her a cure to my taboo behaviour and she accepted this as fact; blinded by all the fancy letters after his name.
“I’ll… I’ll call an ambulance.”
“No!” Emmet and my self shouted simultaneously, so loudly it made my mum stumble again.
“What do you mean no? Are you both insane? Look at the blood! I don’t care what you idiots say I am calling, my daughter isn’t bleeding to death on my bathroom floor.” I my mum argued puffing her self up to her full height before stumbling towards her bedroom to get the phone.
“Liz, stop,” Emmet yelled running after my mother an grabbing hold of her before she could get to her room.
“Young man, I don’t know what the hell has got into you but you must let me go this instant!”
“I can’t do that!”
“I thought you loved my daughter!”
“I do love her, why do you think I am doing this!”
“She is bleeding to death Emmet, she needs and ambulance!”
“She is not bleeding to death Liz. If she was you would have to beat me to the fucking phone, now calm the hell down and let me sought her out!”
“She’s my daughter!”
“She’s my universe!”
I tried to stop it but I could not and before I new it I opened my mouth and screamed at the top of my lungs. The crying wasn’t enough, and all the blood in the world could not of stopped the shouting that rang through my ears as they argued so I did the only thing I could. I shouted louder then all of them.
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