Daemons of her dreams.
Esmee
Mi never slept well. I had watched her many times before either when she was in hospital or on red observations and her sleep was always interrupted with invisible monsters unless she was sedated. I had told Dr Jordan about my concerns about the lack of quality sleep she actually got and he had prescribed Zlopiclon. It helped but it didn’t cure the problem Therapy was the only thing that could do that but at the moment she was deemed to sick to gain anything from it. I had argued that with out it she didn’t have a hope; he argued that therapy wasn’t cheap and he would not suggest a treatment that would not work. He said that Mi didn’t want to get better and shut the door on my face but I new he was wrong. Mi did not want to be sick; she just didn’t have a clue how to get better and there was a pill that would have made it all go away she wouldn’t be able to take it because she was just too tired to do so.
I wished there was something I could do as I watched the same expression cross over her face as the beads of cold sweet gather other her fore head as the daemons of her dreams took her away from the place where she was safe. I had told her that I would be there to fight them away but I would have to wait for her to wake up screaming before I could do that as there was no way I could get into her dreams to help her.
“It’s all right, I’m right here and you’re safe.” I soothed gently holding on to her hand but the comfort was more for my benefit then for hers. I new she was too far away in her nightmare for her to be able to here it but I could not just it there and watch without doing something or I would have lost my mind to.
I had always felt something different about Mi since the days she walked into the unit, a fierce protective streak that I had never felt over the other patients. I had always tried to be kind, caring and understanding to everyone but Mi had almost set off my motherly instinct I had never known why but now it almost made sense; like I Had known somewhere deep within me that she was an actual part of who I was and now I new for sure that she was my baby sister my compassion for her was in a constant overdrive which made the task of watching her in a scary place all alone make me want to cry however I knew I was going to have to get on with it because soon she would be living in my house where she would be Emmet and my self’s soul responsibility. They could keep her in the unit until she was 18 if they wanted to then of course she would not be leaving into foster care but I knew even if she didn’t her days in apple gate house where numbered mostly due to expense then progress, people weren’t kept there long without good reason and Dr Jordan had all ready written her off as a hopeless case to my face.
“Esmee you can’t win them all.” he had said to me smiling as he had put a hand on my shoulder, “Some are too far gone, you know as well as I do that Mia is to determined to end her life for any of us to stop her, it’s just a matter of time before she kills her self.” I had almost thrown something at him for giving in it was his job nit to give up on anybody but he had so it looked like I was going to have to save her alone, when I was growing up I had always wanted a sister; now I had one I would not lose her. The problem was I just didn’t know where the hell to start. I seemed like it was going to take some sort of magic to help her, some divine miracle but even though I new it existed as it walked into my life in the shape of Emmet she did not and even when she had felt it In the shape of Connor she refused to believe that it could actually happen to her.
Scaring nightmares
Esmee and my self talked for about fifteen more minutes both putting up convincing arguments for love until my head started spinning with tiredness and I could fight my corner no more so I backed down instead.
“You look exhausted.” Esmee commented as my shoulders drooped forward and I closed my eyes unable to keep them open any longer. “Come on, lie down.” She instructed getting off of the bed so I could shimmer my body down so I was lying flat.
“It’s been a hard day and your still recovering, you need lots of rest so you can heal properly, now close your eyes and get some sleep.”
“The nightmares will only get me any way,” I moaned even though I could feel sleep taking over me.
“Well if they do I’m going too be right here to scare them away.” Esmee smiled taking hold of her hand in mine as she started to sing her usual lullaby under her breath. Before the end of the first couple of line I had drifted off into a peaceful sleep.”
Smoke and mirrors
“Well that seemed intense,” Esmee commented after I led her back to my room and gestured for her to make her self at home which she would have done any way. It seemed so strange that dream had now become my sanctuary where as when I had first arrived it had been my cell. Esmee and Emmet had made it look truly beautiful when they had put all my pictures up and ever since then even though it still screamed NHS in its own way it didn’t matter; it was the best I ever had.
“It was.” I confirmed trying not to look at Esmee even though she was now staring at me with an intent curiosity burning somewhere inside of her.
“You know technically it is against the rules don’t you, for you to have a relationship with Connor” Esmee said even though her face was a warm smile, “However we don’t chose who we fall in love with, sometimes it just happens.”
“Love!” I laughed “People don’t just fall in love Esmee, it was just a stupid kiss and I won’t be doing it again any time soon.” I jibbed verbally poking my self closer and closer to a very flimsy edge that I had always hung so close to. That kiss had been magic and if she had asked me a few seconds after it I would have told her it was unmistakably and unarguably love that had fuelled it but now several minutes had passed it seemed more likely that it was teenage hormones. No one could ever love me and because of that very thought, the thought that I might not ever experience the touch of his lips against mine again I wanted to throw my self off of the edge that was inside my mind.
“People do just fall in love, they really do. Sometimes it is built and made over moths and years and sometimes it is just like magic and you fall in it; like destiny has sent two people crashing into each other.” Esmee smiled warmly her cheeks blushing the perfect shade of red.
“Hopeless romantic,” I moaned
“Maybe your right but that is something I am proud of because at the base of it lies Emmet. We have lived though love at first sight Mi. He found me, he found me when I was broken, he found me on a quite street in the gutter and he could have been any where in the world, or he could of walked right past. His collage class might not have been cancelled or he might have chosen another street to walk up but he didn’t and he found me and he loved me instantly and I loved him. It was like gravity had been pulling us together, knowing that we belonged with each other. I believe in love Mi and I believe in all of its power because I am one of its people; I am one of the people it has changes.”
“It was just a kiss, he wont even remember it tomorrow and neither will I.” I lied truing to get Esmee to stop acting so dreamy. I loved the fact that she was in love and I loved the fact she was in love with Emmet but in a way she was so blinded by it she could make everything a fairy tale. However much that kiss had felt like it had been out of a story book it had not been, if love destiny existed like Esmee said, it existed for the good and I was bad to the bone.
“Ok, but is that what it felt like to you Mi; like nothing?”
I sighed heavily with a pout on my face before answering, “Magic, it felt like magic, it felt like fireworks and I have never felt that way before.”
“So if it felt that good Mi, why do you think it’s nothing?” Esmee asked gently taking one of my hands into hers,
“Because magic is nothing but smoke and mirrors.”
Reaction
If I had not been on red observations, or if I was a fast sprinter I would have probably tried to have made the same exit as Conner just had however I was now sandwiched in between Edward who was behind me at one end of the corridor and Esmee who was at the other in front of me now staring at me with big eyes and a slightly open mouth so escape with out an entourage seemed unlikely.
“Well I can’t remember Dr. Jordan prescribing that.” Esmee smiled finally finding the power of speech and movement again as she walked towards my slightly trembling body. I knew what I had just done was intense and insane but I couldn’t bring my self to regret it for in the few moments when Conner and my self’s lips touched I had never felt more alive or more whole. For the first time I had felt pretty and sexy and completely wanted, for the first time I had found someone who fit beside me perfectly
“I’m on your observations for the next hour and it appears the I have left you side for just over three hours and I come back and your snogging the face off of another client, I think we have a lot to talk about; so your room or the nurses station?”
A cold shower
I did not know what Conner was doing but very slowly he reached out and pulled my face up to look into his. His skin felt like the finest silk against mine and his eyes were even more glorious then they had been before as I stared up into them in awe, it looked like whole galaxies could have been lost in there. They were old eyes, very old eyes aged far beyond his years but it didn’t matter what horrors they held; in that respect it would have been like looking into a mirror.
With a small smile he bent his head in closer to mine until his was so close I could feel his warm breath on my face and then are lips were touching I parted my lips slightly as he did his and his teeth softly brushed against my bottom lip and I took the kiss deeper.
The feeling was amazing; glorious and passionate and in a heart beat I knew this is what my whole life had been waiting for. Nothing had ever felt as good as his warm soft lips did against mine, noting had ever made me feel like my whole body was floating before but there I was as light as a feather my soul lifting up somewhere inside of me and I wanted more. Acting more on pure instinct and pleasure I stepped closer to him pressing self up close to his body wrapping my arms around his body and lacing the fingers on one of my hands though his messy brown hair and the other clenching hard into his black tee shirt trying to pull my self deeper and deeper into him.
I never knew such joy existed until that moment I had never felt such intense pleasure surging around my body and I didn’t want it to ever end but too soon I felt Connors grip release me and we parted both taking a step back just staring at each other are chests rising and falling in deep breathing each of us as shocked as the other at what had just happened, each of us wanting to do it again and again, each of us wanting to take it further, deeper.
“If we weren’t in the loony bin I would invite you back to my room,” Conner finally said breathlessly his mouth stretched into the biggest smile I had ever seen on his face making him absolutely sunning to behold.
“However, I think Edward and Esmee might have something to say about it so I will settle for a cold shower.” He whispered, bending in close to my ear making a shiver of pleasure vibrate down my spine before with a quick kiss on the fore head he blushed a deep red and ran up the corridor to the stairs taking them two at a time.
I'm sorry it has been so long since i updated, a mixture of writers block and a small addiction to playing the Sims 3 (Probably shouldn't of admitted that) anyhow enjoy!!
A new feeling
Realising what Conner had said I got to my feet forgetting the fact that I had been pretending to be asleep and ran out the door after him into the corridor.
“Wow Mi wait up red observations remember!” Edward shouted scrambling to his feet to run after me,
“I’m not doing anything Edward I just have to see him, just catch me up!” I yelled running up the corridor and grabbing Conner by the arm making him spin round to look at me.
“Are you mad Conner?” I asked laughing in a confused way shaking my head,
“Well, obviously.” Conner laughed gesturing around him to the scenery of the mental hospital that we both called home for one reason or another. “None of us are here because we are sane are we?
“Yes well no, well yes, well! Oh hell that isn’t what I meant!” I shouted throwing my hands up into the air in my frustration before slamming my hands down against my legs; why did everything always have to be complicated.
“What I mean,” I said taking a deep breath to try and centre my floating brain “What I mean is you…you said… I was beautiful.” I stuttered looking down at the floor unable to look up into his milk chocolate brown eyes that had always held me there before. “You said I was too good for you. That is what makes you insane because that isn’t right I’m not good enough for anyone Conner and I’m really not beautiful.”
“You are the most beautiful thing I have ever set my eyes on.” Conner admitted looking down at the floor as I looked up to see him; are eyes skimming over each others “The most stunning amazing person and I have always felt it ever since I set my eyes on you, but I have never been able to tell you, I mean how can I when you are so amazing and I am just…well, me.
“I think you’re amazing too.” I said slowly the same fluttering feeling taking over my chest as it always had done when he had looked at me before. I had always put it down to the fact that I thought he wanted to kill me but now I understood it more; it was because he stirred something deep within me; something that I had never felt; something that I just couldn’t understand but before I knew it, it was being explained to me.
Too good for me.
Time I got back to my room someone had made it look like it had never been touched which I thought must have been Ava with the help of Edward. They would have been the only two besides Emmet and Esmee who would have been nice enough to do it. Some things had been taken away but most stuff remained now it had been fully searched for weapons that I may have got my hands on. I wonder what they would have done if they realised who had actually given me that blade with out meaning to; I wondered if doctor Jordan even cared.
I didn’t know how doctor Jordan had become like he had for he also wore the battle scars of his past as a badge on his arms but he had either forgotten the pain or blocked it out or at the very least got angry at it. Had someone been so mean to him before that he had just become the monster so the monster couldn’t brake him. It seemed to me the bullied and the hurt either became bullies or therapist depending on weather they decided to get better or get even. Esmee had chosen to get better, something in me said that Dr. Jordan was trying to get even.
Longing for some room to breath I lied down on my bed and closed my eyes trying to block out the fact that Edward hovered by my side for a few moment before taking a seat with his back against the wall.
“Is she sleeping Edward?” I heard someone ask that I did not recognize. I had at one point or another I heard all the staff talking but this was so unique that I was sure it was a new one so I could only assume it was either a agency staff member or someone new that I hadn’t meat since I was in the hospital. Which ever one it was there was something compelling about the voice. It was harsher then Emmet’s but it had the same sincerity behind it all the same. It was rough but smooth; strong yet subtle. Beautiful yet completely frustrating.
“I think so, she has had a long day.” Edward responded.
“Is she OK though, I mean she isn’t sick any more is she? I didn’t like seeing her like that.”
“She is recovered now. Where you wanting someone to talk to Connor?
“No, it’s OK and I’m sorry, I will go, I just needed to see her now she is better, I haven’t been able to get the other image of her out of my head, it had seemed so imposable that she could survive seeing her back when she was pulled out the bath. I just wanted to check that she was still Mi.” I almost opened my Eyes when Edward had said that the voice belonged to Connor. It suddenly made sense that his voice would have been as intense as his eyes but why did he sound so sad when he talked about that night, he barley new me and every time are paths had crossed he had just spent all his time staring at me like he was trying to test out the theory if looks could really kill.
“She Looks a lot better now Connor. Would you like to come in and see her if it will make you feel better?” Edward asked “It’s OK I’m letting you in.” I took all my effort not to shoot up in bed and announce that I was awake but something in me wanted to keep on hearing Connor speak. I had been trying to figure him out for so long and right then I had a chance to.
“She is so beautiful.” Connor whispered “So stunningly beautiful, why does she keep trying to kill her self Edward? Why does she starve her self and cut her self? I am sorry but I don’t understand?”
“I don’t know Connor, no one does but that is why she is here. I didn’t realise you two where friends though.”
“We’re not, We’ve never even talked.”
“Then maybe you should, she could do with a good friend by her side. She feels very alone sometimes.”
“Don’t be silly Edward,” Conner said laughing bitterly at the apparent idiocy of Edwards suggestion. “she is far too good for me.”
Catching up.
“So Mi what are we going to do about that box?” Esmee asked me gently a few minutes later as she sat back on her chair opposite mine and took hold of my hands in hers.
My whole body stiffened at the thought of the box; It had never really gone away but the need to cut in its self had become a distraction to the nausea that occurred every time I thought of the seal to my box being so roughly cut open with the edge of a cold deadly sharp blade.
“I cant,” I stuttered breathing deeply as I tried to imagine all the memories in the box spilling out over the edges, the photos, the little notes, the scans, the birthday cards all there to consume me. “I can’t, I…I.”
“all right all right Mi big breaths and stay calm. No one is going to make you face something that you really can’t, however there are a lot of memories in that box that need to come out at some point, what has happened has happened and you can’t just keep Arabella and Oscar sealed away in a box for the rest of your life. That won’t make the pain go away Mi.”
“You have no idea.” I sighed heavily slightly annoyed at the fact she had summed a whole life time of memories up in one sentence. I new keeping the photos in a box wasn’t going to make the pain go away,’ I had been living with the pain, but keeping the box sealed had so far stopped me form losing my mind completely; or had it, or was that just a lie too?
“Your right, I don’t but I am honestly just trying to help you. Maybe we could look threw them together picture by picture doing one a week . We could bye a nice album or scrap book and keep them all in there instead. Or maybe we could start just a little bit more gently. Describe Arabella to me.”
Her picture in my head felt like someone had come along and punched me a thousand times before walking away and leaving me there alone on the floor with no one to save me.
“I can’t,” I chocked, the thick tears feeling like they where actually trying to clog up the inside of my mouth and throat. “I can’t do it, I can’t cope with her smiling face inside my head because it all leads back to that car crash and to the way she looked then and I can’t… I just… it was just…. NO!” I shouted jumping up out of my chair and clamping my hands over my ears at the same time as screwing my eyes shut tight trying to chase the images away from the corners of my head, trying to stop the screeching of brakes in my ears and my screaming for her just to wake up! At The time knowing that nothing else would matter if she just opened her eyes and smiled at me again; knowing if she didn’t I would have just witnessed the rest of my world once again slip away from me like sand though a fist leaving me all alone in the big wide world at just 14.
“OK, all right, I’m sorry, I have pushed to heard again, I’m sorry, it’s over, I’m shutting up.” Esmee tried to sooth as I felt one of her arms loop around my waste in a half restraint, half hug.
I tried to settle my self and not pull away from Esmee, maybe her persistence on the subject had hurt me but I new she was only tying to help me but still even though I was freaking out I new deep in me there may have been another reason that she wanted to know so much about my sister and my unborn child because even though it still seemed so strange Arabella was her sister too and my little boy would have been her nephew.
“Oh bloody hell!” I shouted once as my mind swirled around considering in even more depth what it meant for Esmee to be my sister, it meant Emmet was my both-in-law and Mia was my niece; that beautiful little girl was part of me and I wanted to know her inside out, wanted to be there for her and I could guarantee Esmee would let me and in exchange she would want to know everything about Arabella and she deserved to because she was amazing, she was what was right with the world; a small specimen of perfection that had been part of such an imperfect world and I new, like I always had in my own way, her memory didn’t deserve to be confined to a well worn cardboard box.
“Arabella was amazing,” I said slowly, opening my eyes and taking my hands off of my ears before sinking to the floor in the corner of the room. “She took after her father so we looked really different but she was so stunning. “that box Esmee it’s all in there you can look at it all if you want.” I offered
“Honey the only way I want to look at those pictures is with you at my side, I will not look though your life with out you like you wouldn’t look through mine and maybe that’s whet we can do, I have loads of photos and things at home of Mia and my mum has loads of me as a child and it think it would be lovely if you saw them. You have a lots of catching up to do and when you are ready so do I.”
READ ME PLEASE:: As every one knows by now i have been updating and going through my back story at the same time as writing the new stuff and sending it by E-mail - in bigger chunks- to any one who has given me there adress and who wants it. Well i am still doing this and i will be sending either the second or third bit soon (i can't remember which bit it is) However i have added quite a few chapters to this next bit, including the one underneath that i like and adds to the story however the one underneath i am not as sure about and would really like a few opinuions before i correct it and paste it into my final draft. I see it is very heavily and maybe triggering so be carefull before reading and please leave me some sort of comment so i can decide weather to leave this in.
thanks vikki.,
The tablets took me. I had fought there effects but now I had a belly full of charcoal and a drip pumping in as much poison into my vains as I had I felt pretty unwell; like I was dying. It was hot outside and I had a pile of blankets on top of my but my who body trembled with a clod that I felt deep within me. And the sickness had turned from bad to downright violent bringing up projectile green and black bile with little or no notice not to mention the crushing and twisting abdominal pain that ripped though my trembling body at any given moment taking all my effort not scream out in agony. Emmet had begged them to give me something for the pain but weather he agreed or not the protested that bay pain killer would make it worse for me even though he had given them a list of at least four that contained neither Paracetamol nor Ibuprofen..
I vomited again trying to aim as best as I could at the dish that Emmet kept permanently propped up under my chin now that I couldn’t sit up to vomit but missed and once aging through most of the black and green substance onto the plastic protector that Emmet kept changing for a new one every time that I missed my target.
“It’s all right darling, it’s OK.” Emmet soothed folding up the protector and bowl and taking it away before replacing it with another one.
“Am I going to die?” I whispered opening my eyes into the slightest slits so I could look into Emmet’s eyes so I could tell weather he was lying to me but there was no need to for he had no words of any comfort to give anyway instead he forced one small smile out as the same time as two big tears fell from his eyes and he put his hand under the pile of covers searching until he found mine and squeezed it tightly in his; more emphasis in it then there ever had been before.
“I don’t know baby. “
“Emmet; I’m scared.” I admitted two of my tears matching his as they rolled down over my cheeks and onto the sheet underneath.
“I know honey,” Emmet said softly before he go to his feet and as gently as silk brushed my sticky hair off of my fore head and kissed me very gently like he was tucking his daughter into bed for a good nights sleep, “I’m a little bit scared too.”
Defeating the impossible
“I’m not sure how long I sat at the table in the dinning room with a pen in my hand working out any ridiculously hard equation Esmee wrote down on the third piece of paper but I actually didn’t care. I would have spent the rest of my life sat up to that table working out any sum that was given to me.
“How are you feeling?” Esmee asked softly after a while as she handed me another piece of paper with the sum 1 plus 1 written with a smiley face doodled after it. I didn’t know how to answer her, I kind of felt better; like the red waves had retreated, like they weren’t above my head any more and filling up my lungs but lapping around my ankles just to keep me aware that it was still there; that it still owned me even after the modest success but how could that have been possible? I had never fought it and won before, I had always succumbed to it’s needs and not mine.
“I can carry on with the maths questions if your not ready Mi, I have all the time in the world, if it’s going to help you get though this then I will stay forever.”
“No, I’m OK I think, but that seams impossible; it had me drowning I could feel the tightness and the chocking in my lungs taking me over and Emmet was trying so hard but I new it wasn’t going to be good enough, and I was so rude Esmee and he was being so nice.” I stuttered my whole body shivering and shaking from under the shook of everything swimming inside of me like I could fight and win all the wars and still have so many more that I would have to get through some how and before I new it the tears came as well swimming in my eyes and tumbling down my cheeks before I could even try to get them into the right order to make any sense; for them to have any meaning for them to actually be there at all.
“I know Mi, it can be scary taking back control after so much time but you will just have to trust me when I tell you that what you have just done is a very good thing.”
“Scary, I corrected, terrifying.” I trembled
“I know but you’re going to be Ok.” Esmee soothed getting off of her chair and coming closer to me wrapping her arms tightly around mine. “your going to be just fine; I’m right here by your side.”
Sorry about so many updates but i have been board latly
My real living goddess
I breathed deeply for a few minutes sitting on the edge of the chair as I tried to get my head around what was said. I new crystal was all talk and nothing else; she was a big bully in a big world where they could pray upon those weaker then them. Once upon a time that would have been Esmee but not now she was so much better then she was before even with her recent blip but I still could not take in the fact they could threaten someone as beautiful and kind as her. She had never done anything to hurt them personally, she had disagreed with some of the things they said but so had everyone as some point; there was no one on the team quite as heartless as Crystal and Jacob.
“Em, are you OK?”
“Esmee,” I said breathing a sigh of relief as I saw her in the door frame and I got to my feet dragging her into the nurses station before throwing her lightly against the same wall I had just held Crystal and kissing her deeply while no on else was looking; letting my numbed cold senses warm up from her breath taking beauty and radiance until reluctantly I let are lips part from each others letting the coldness set in around us.
“I love you,” I confirmed staring into her deep black eyes, “and I will never let anyone hurt you.”
“I love you too Em, but do me a favour and get the hell off of me.” Esmee smiled smacking both her hands against my chest and pushing my back away from the wall her cheeks glowing a vibrant pink against her pale complexion making her look closer to a real living goddess then I had ever seen before.
“Why should I?”
“Mostly because I am incredibly turned on right now and I am meant to be working.” Esmee said looking away sheepishly before pulling down her blouse and pulling up her jeans that had slipped down past her waste line to her hips when I pushed her against the wall. Was she losing weight again? I hadn’t noticed but if her Jeans where falling down when they used to fit her perfectly there was a chance. Did that mean she was restricting again, or purging maybe, or worse was she physically sick?
“There old jeans Emmet,” Esmee smiled pulling me down to her level for one last kiss on the cheek. “Really old and you know I lost weight since then but they are the first ones I could find after Mia decided to pee all over me this morning just before we left for work; that will teach me for trying to potty train her.”
“As long as you’re not sick.” I replied
“I’m not sick, nor am I puking and I am defiantly eating so stop worrying about me silly old bear and tell me what’s happened with Mi before I have to go and do some observations.”
really really triggering for SI also kind of graphic so take care and only read if you are safe
Oh and on a completly unrelated point what do people think of the new background? Please don't be too nasty at how ugly the child is, i think i was only two there! LOL
Summing up the situation
“So this is going to be your room.” Emmet said in an upbeat tone shoving a non glossy grainy photo in front of me that I tried to get my eyes to focus on. “It used to be the attic but we got it converted for our older foster kids, we also have a room on the first floor next to our room for foster children but we usually just use that one for babies and young children as it is rather small and not as private, the attic room has your own bathroom and things and is considerably larger…”
My head swam out of Emmet’s description and back inside of my self where the red monsters lay with projected images of me cutting into my own skin and the bright red swirling down to drip onto…
“Mi, Mi!” Emmet yelled rubbing the side of my arm roughly as my eyes and brain blinked back to focus in on him again, the fog lifting for a few seconds from over me. “Focus on my voice, I’m the only one who matters right now. Now what is your favourite colour?”
Red, a deep hot pulsing red pushing it’s way to the surface of my skin where it was so wrongly contained, red, red, red, deep perfect red…
“Mi, tell me a colour!” Emmet demanded his voice rising up past what was normal for him, like he was somehow trying to drown out the others that where in my head all shouting loudly all at the same time.
“Re…Purple.” I corrected my self trying to fix my wondering eyes onto the picture in front of me and paint the walls purple in my head over and over again as something deeper kept making them a dripping blood red until it felt like I was drowning in it.
“Good what else?”
Red, the colour swims around every part of me a deep metallic red that rushes up around me until it gets up to my head and flows over drowning me in it’s metallic smell as it pumps into my lungs and stomach stopping me breathing…
“Come on you have to like something else?” Emmet persisted like he couldn’t see that I was drowning in front of him; like he thought I cared right then what colour my room was painted or where it was in the house or anything else…
“Mi..”
“I don’t fucking care!” I snarled “I don’t give a fucking shit what colour you paint my fucking…”
“you do, Emmet corrected taking my hands back into his and rubbing them roughly trying to make my tense crooked fingers relax into his .
“Come off of colours,” I head Esmee say in the background as she took hold of my trembling shoulders in her hands and squeezed them tightly. “Horribly triggering, try and avoid anything too sensory.”
“Everything is sensory,”
The sticky warmness of blood against my hands seeping under the cracks to freedom, the acidic metallic smell that was so strong it left a lasting metal taste on my tongue like the coolness of cold steal. The glorious alive red against pale translucent white skin and fragile tiny blue vains that pulsed so willingly with the blood contained inside; one blade slice away from emptying them above the surface..
“Mi, Mi!” I heard Esmee shouting somewhere over the beating of my heart and the rushing of my blood. “What’s 109 plus 37?”
“146.”
“Good girl, what about what about 906 divided by four?” The cogs in my mind ticked dividing the number dividing it again trying to get them into the right places, but the number didn’t fit perfectly, there was something left, something to be halved again an annoying point five that I had always hated.
“226.5”
“ok What about 6 take away 103 then plus 45?”
The sum was easy; simple. “negative 52”
“15 times 12 divided by 3.”
That was harder but not impossible I just needed more time to make my mind the calculator, to push away all the annoying redness that lingered in the corners for it wasn’t needed to answer the question that had been set to make…
“60”
“213 plus 45? How are you feeling Mi?
Red against skin, red on the walls…
“258,” I stammered the question wasn’t heard enough. “Don’t stop,” I babbled breathlessly “Just make them harder, they need to be hard.” I demanded to Esmee as I felt my body relaxed slightly and my hands and legs un-cramp against the chair … “ really heard.”
TRIGGERING,
Driven to distraction
“Everyone forgets; moves on.” I said weekly the tears breaking out from the inside to be shown to the world. There had been a time when I wouldn’t cry for anything; just couldn’t. after Arabella died they dried up to become some sought of burning caesium where the tears would turn to acid and scold me from the inside out until they moved into my blood stream and I had to cut to let them out before they killed me. Now however I cried all the time not that I didn’t want to cut any more; I just wanted to do both, like there was to much to be let out in one way and right then I wanted to do both, cry until my eyes and throat hurt and cut until I passed out on the floor.
“This is bloody ridicules!” I yelled at my self as the images of my desire floated though my head and triggered the same tight feeling in my chest, triggered the same tingling heat that swam up and down my body wherever the blood flowed like it was itching and the only way to scratch it was with the sharpness of metal.
“I’m so fucking impossible!” I yelled again dragging my hand out of Emmet’s using both of them to slap my self on the fore head. One minuet I was morning my son the next it seemed he didn’t matter any more, like I would of sold my last memory of him for a disposable razor blade; maybe the I could of cut the pain his memory caused me out of myself and put all that bad blood into a sealed box as well.
“Hands, I want those hands back.” Emmet ordered dragging them away from my fore head and squeezing them into his at the same time as flashing a look at Esmee who got when it meant with out any trouble and slipped over to the bathroom door pulling it close s with a thud; apparently Emmet was expecting trouble as well as my self even though I was trying so heard to get the monsters to leave my head, for the acid in my blood to settle down, for the tears from my eyes to be the only ones that was needed and not the ones from skin as well.
I squeezed Emmet’s hands heard as every though to cutting my self made the bands constrict further I new if my brain would just think of something different that I wouldn’t feel so desperate but there was no inspiration in amongst the plain padding and cameras to save myself from my self.”
“For god sake distract me!” I yelled getting to my feet unsteadily while dragging Emmet with me as he now refused to let go of my hands. “This room might stop someone from cutting them self’s but it certainly wont stop them from going insane I yelped as another elastic band tied it’s self tighter around the bottom of my chest making It feel like I was fight for my breath.
“Now distractions I can do! Come on you can help me decide what colour you want your new room, because of you keep fighting it like this kiddo you will be living with us in no time!"
To important to forget
“All right, you’re doing well.” Emmet said gently as my lunch rushed up into my mouth and expelled it’s self into the dish that was held in front of me by Emmet. He had told me it was going to make me feel better but he had no idea just how bad it was and still my now empty stomach churned around and around in on it’s self Making it feel like I wanted to try to bring up all of my internal organs as well.
“I’m sorry Kiddo.” Emmet said gently to me as Esmee took the bowl of vomit off of Emmet in her gloved hand and took it over to the little bathroom at the side running the water as she tipped the vomit down the loo and flushed it away.
“I didn’t know you were hiding that in there, if we did either myself or Esmee would of checked it.” Emmet whispered gently stroking his thumb over the back of my hand that I squeezed as hard as I could. I knew he was trying to be comforting but it actually made no difference to me who had opened the box, I would of tried to have grabbed it from any of them who had tried to have broke that seal because I knew what lied within there, a long line of memories that hurt every time they entered into my head.
“”Doesn’t matter,” I chocked out through my scratchy throat trying to clear everything out of my head and for a moment I almost wished I could have been back in the hospital, so all I had to do was scream my head off to make the pain go, to make the memories bleed out into gray swirling before eventually I felt nothing at all.
“It certainly does matter Mi.” Emmet disagreed shaking his head. “A very sensitive situation was handled in very insensitive way and that Isn’t OK.”
“I tried to forget,” I moaned pressing my fingers into my eyes in a vain attempt to make the image go away “I tried to forget him like the rest of them but he’s still there.” I whispered staring down at the texture of the ground below me trying to stop the tears that filled inside my eyes from falling
“I don’t think that you can forget it.” Emmet said gently placing his hand on the top of my leg. “Some things are just too important.”
ironic Possable mild trigger
As soon as I got through the door to the ECA I scrambled out of Emmet’s and Esmee’s arms and darted over to the far corner cowering like a frightened rabbit in headlights. I wanted to get the image of his tiny body out the back of my head but it refused to leave.
“What happened?” I heard Esmee whisper to Emmet gently from the corner as she placed his hand on the side of his hip and stared up at him trying to read his mind
“That was truly Pandora’s box.” Emmet whispered bending his head down over hers unable to stop him self from stealing a kiss off of her, “It was photos and things,” Emmet continued “and there was a baby, a very premature baby, I would say about 18 week’s gestation, he was dead of course.” Emmet whispered again before stealing another kiss off of her.
The nausea rolled within me as Emmet described my son in such harsh and clinical terms, he sounded like all the doctors and nurses who described him as a by product of a miss carriage, I wasn’t even meant to have his photo but Arabella begged for me and a kind nurse had took pity, giving me six blurry photos when I woke up three days later after I had been given enough blood to come round to remember him by. I had not been able to see him like this though for that tiny baby had been inside me, moving and swirling and kicking and reacting every time I sand to him or the greys anatomy them tune echoed from my treasured DVD box set. He was in short; so alive
I yelped out loud before I could stop my self, clutching my hands around my chest to try and stop it feeling like my insides where going to explode out of me and all over the floor in a sticky mess, I missed the feeling of him in there and every time I remembered the whirling against my bump it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.
“Was that Oscar Mi? Emmet asked as he stole one more kiss from Esmee and turned to me. My tummy reeled as I heard him name the clearly dead baby he had been talking about; my little boy.
“I feel sick,” I moaned as the whole of my body shook violently and my knees buckled to the padded floor underneath me my breath catching in my throat before I had chance to properly breathy it into my lungs.
“It’s going to be OK,” Emmet soothed crossing the floor to my side before going down on his knees next to me and taking my shaking hand into his and gripping it tightly. I wanted to scream aloud at him, I wanted to shout and holler and cry at the injustice of everything I wanted to demand that he made it feel better inside of me but I couldn’t do any of it apart from sit and shake and will the queasiness in me to stay confined to my stomach even though it protested and tried to crawl it’s way up into my mouth in a hot acidic protest.
“I feel sick,” I groaned again like somehow keeping on about it might make the nausea go away or get the burned in image out of my head.
“OK honey, it’s all right, do you want me to open up the bathroom for you?” Emmet asked gently before trying to get to his feet however I refused to let go of his hand so I got up with him and walked stiffly to the little bathroom door still shaking waiting for him get his key card out and swipe it through the slot. “I will leave it open OK, you are not being punished by being in here Mi, It’s just a room right now, and if you want anything we can go and get it for you, a blanket or a pillow, maybe your rabbit he seems to help make it better.”
I didn’t want the rabbit; I wanted what the rabbit represented. I wanted the desperately but like Oscar she was gone as well.
“I feel sick.” I mumbled again my mid always coming back to the aching nausea the thrashed around inside me and sat just below my gag reflex; to high to go back down and to low to be forced up.
“Come and sit here.” Emmet said gently lowering the toilet seat for me to sit on but I refused to move because I would have had to have let go of his hand; I squeezed tighter.
“I think I’m going to throw up.” I moaned as the bile crept further up and activated my gag reflex making my stomach lurch toward my mouth but still I refused to let go of him and take my kneeling position in front of the toilet to vomit just in case he disintegrated before I had time to take hold of his hand again.
“Ok let me grab these.” Emmet said reaching into the bathroom and grabbing the pile of dishes off of the side before he moved back out and sat down on the floor allowing me to sit down as close as I could get next to him. “You got your elastic band Esmee?” Emmet asked gently as I gagged a further two times bowing my head close down to the dish in my lap before catching my breath. The air hit into my like a stab in the stomach and I retched properly for the first time as Esmee came over and sat beside of me scooping my hair back up into a ponytail
“Mi, don’t fight it we wont be angry with you,” Emmet said softly “Your in shock and you will feel a lot better after you have been sick,”
I laughed bitterly at the meaning of his comment for the first time he was giving me permission to hurl and for the first time I really didn’t want to. I had always hated irony!
three potentoly triggering chapters, take care
Pandora’s Box
Everything inside me tensed as I looked past Esmee to crystal who was looking around the box with mild annoyance at how to brake the seal that I had put on there years over a year ago and that I never intended to open again because I was sure one look would into it like Pandora’s box would release unimaginable Evil into my world If not into any one else’s.
The temptation was to zip past Esmee grab the box off of Crystal and runaway somewhere with it because I feared she would pay no attention to the label on the top of the box that warned it should never ever be opened.
“Mi, your shaking.” Esmee chirped confused from in front of me as I continued to stair around her watching Crystals every moment untily as I watched Crystal take a Stanley knife from her pocket and touch the deadly cold steal tip to the parcel tape keeping the lid on I shrieked out in freer once again making every one in the room turn to look at directly at me again including Crystal.
“Don’t open that!” I begged her deeply my whole body trembling from head to toe as I tried to appeal to Crystals human side and for a split second it looked like it had worked as she took her hand away and regarded me in a me in a mixture of surprise and annoyance. “It hasn’t been opened for over a year.” I explained desperately pulling my hands out of Esmee’s as she tried to take hold of them in comfort.
“Don’t be silly Mia!” Crystal snapped turning back to her original evil grin before flicking the knife out and plunging the blade right through the side of the box and right though the side of my very soul.
Opened
“No!” I screamed again as I felt the knife drive thought me as easily as it drove though the box and before I new what I was doing I slipped past Esmee and dodged under Ava so I could make a lunge for crystal and the box. They could do what they wanted to the rest of the room, burn it all on a fire for all I cared but that box to remain closed.
I had no idea how he managed to move so fast but before I could even get close enough to take a swipe for the box Emmet had jumped across the room and intercepted me pulling me backwards making me shrike again as he dragged me away from my target, did he have no idea what would happened if she was aloud to open that box?
“Mi what are you doing?” Emmet asked desperately as is struggled against him with all my might and actually made him tumble slightly. “Umm a little help!” he groaned to the others as they stared on before he did something he had only ever done to me once before and swiped my legs out from under me and brought me down to the floor wit a thud which made me scream even more as my head landed inched from Crystal as she broke open the top of my box an tipped the contance of it roughly over the floor allowing a picture of my tiny deformed 18 week old miscarried foetus of Oscar fall inches from my face.
ghost
“Emmet please!” I howled as my eyes took in everything about the tiny half baby I had spent over two years trying to get out on my nightmares. I wanted to close my eyes but something in me refused to close them and the deformed body of what looked more like a chicken then my precious son burned into the back of my head.
“Oh god,” Emmet moaned as it dawned on him what the rather strange picture was and he rolled off of me instantly dragging my sobbing and shaking body with him out the room with the help of Ava and Esmee.
“Where are we going with her?” Ava asked Emmet adjusting her grip on me so I didn’t fall to the floor which is where my body would have headed with out the three members of staff keeping it upright. “ECA?” She questioned again as Emmet didn’t answer but swore repeatedly under his breath.
“It will have to be,” he groaned unimpressed with the idea even thought at the time I welcomed the security of the padded cell, Ava can you go and save the things from that box from Crystals prying eyes and put them in another one for me?” Emmet asked Ava not bothering to conseal his utter contempt for Crystal from his voice.
“sure I can, are Esmee and your self going to be OK?” She asked “It looks like she has seen a ghost
“She has.” Emmet confirmed sadly before turning away from her and dragging my trembling body up the corridor towards the ECA.
Illegal under wire
I stood in muted disbelief at the doorway of my room with Ava beside me as I watched Emmet, Esmee, crystal Ingrid and Edward all posed in latex gloves and green plastic aprons turn my room upside down. The bed frame was on the side on the wall while Emmet and Edward examined at wooden slats with a touch checking for anything that may have been taped there. Esmee was discreetly as possible going though my under pants, bras and socks examine every one in detail before passing some back in the draw and some in a cardboard box with office, my name and my patient number written ion the front.
“I’m not aloud my bras!” I blurted out with out thinking or caring how stupid I sounded. All five of them stopped what they where doing and turned to look at me with varying Expressions on the face ranging from crystals smug evilness right down to Esmee’s which was contorted with a pain that she felt somewhere deep inside at her for having to complete the task; I guess she new from first hand experience how totally degrading it felt. Edward and Ingrid smiled at me gently and Emmet watched his wife out the corner of his eye reading her every emotion in seconds.
“Of course you can honey,” Esmee said breaking the silence while walking towards me which made the others go back to there selected stations of investigation. “It’s just the ones with under wire I am taking away.” Esmee said softly as she took hold of my hand in one of hers and gave it a squeeze.
“Under wire, what the hell am I going to do with under wire?” I shouted angrily before I realised I was talking to Esmee and brought my voice down again, it wasn’t her fault.
“I know honey,” Esmee whispered rocking my arm from side to side not able to look up into my face properly, “I find it a bit stupid too but I have to do it Mi.”
“I know.” I said softly trying to make my voice as soft as I could “It was just a bit of a shock. Do you really have to look through everything I asked solemnly as I lifted my gaze off of the floor just in time to see Crystal pull Pandora’s Box out the back of my wardrobe.
Tip-ex
I could not answer Dr. Jordan’s question because fleetingly, for a micro-second, I had envisioned my self un-clicking the seat belt and throwing my self out of the moving car but it had been exactly that a tiny moment nothing more yet they had foreseen it coming, they new all my moves and I felt sick.
“Some of the staff are doing a room search and they will want to do a strip search of you when they are done, somehow you managed to get hold of a pensile sharpener and we don’t know how; we also don’t know weather you got any more.” Doctor Jordan said as he kept right by my side as we approached the door of the unit his eyes constantly glancing over me looking for signs of weather I was going to make a run for it and I almost did as he explained to me what my welcome back gift was going to be.
“I don’t have another blade.” I said flatly trying hard to hide the anger in my voice and the deep regret that I hadn’t swiped another one off of his desk when I had had the chance to however I now new were they where and I imagined my appointments would him would increase so there would be a lot of chances.
“I can’t take your word on that Mi there has all ready been an investigation into how such a thing was aloud to have happened and because I am your consultant a lot of that was about interrogating me and I won’t be allowing it to happen again.” Doctor Jordan said his voice raiding above what it normally was like he was on the verge of yelling at me. Of course I then saw what it all come down to in his eyes. All the meetings, the observations and all the room searches. The only reason he cared that I was now walking back to the unit with him and not cold in the ground was because that would have left a black mark next to his name he would never have been able to tip-ex over.
Child locks
Unlike the first time I was in Dr. Jordan’s punto he did not to talk to me. Last time he was trying to sell a place of magical fantasy healing and cures made of fairy dust but now he new there was no way he could put that across any more however though I did not enjoy apple gate house I thanked Dr. Jordan from the bottom of my heart for taking me there as with out his judgment to make me an impatient I would have been leaving in a children’s home somewhere and more importantly I would never of met Emmet and Esmee and that would have been an tragedy to me.
The drive back to the unit was short but for the whole time I kept my head pressed to the glass of the windows trying on the various people that walked down the side of the road kicking at the fallen November leaves. Some where old some pre-scoolers and a young frightened looking mother pushing a newborn baby in a red buggy, no doubt born in the same hospital at the same time I had tried to end my own. I had been in the care of apple gate house for six months now after being admitted at the end of may; my original assessment suggested I would need six weeks.
“You will be on red level observations for three days,” Doctor Jordan finally said as we turned up apple gate road and then into the unit grounds. “You will be on amber for a further three days after that and the green ten minutes until further evaluation.” he continued stiffly as he pulled the hand brake up on the and sighed opening his car door, “I will have to let you out; I put the child lock on.” He added as I tried the handle on the passenger side.
“Why?” I asked irritated unable to stop my self as I gripped the fabric of my new adult sized 10 jeans as heard as I could, the nausea rolled in my as I thought about the new size and the fact that they fitted perfectly.
“It was either that or an ambulance Mi, I thought you would prefer something a little less inconspicuous.”
“What did you think I was going to do, jump out of a moving car?” I asked bitterly.
“Could you really tell me honestly Mi that the thought hadn’t crossed your mind?”
Back to the gate
I was moved out of the ICU two days after Esmee came back and then spent a further two inhumanly boring weeks in a side ward of the skylight unit. I counted every damn ceiling tile, every mottled dot on the lino floor and every beat of the second hand on the clock. Emmet and Esmee still spent a lot of time with me and every so often a member of staff from the unit would come in or use the phone to see if I was feeling OK and to check on my progress and last but not least I had received at least one visit from three different consultant psychiatrist and plenty more form Doctor Jordan who now wrote in a jotter pad that he used especially for me, I didn’t know weather I should of felt honoured by it or slightly nauseous.
It was on day 13 hour 13 and with 1113 clicks of the second hand counted Doctor Jordan entered my room for the third time that day and clapped his hands with a big smile on his face announcing that every one agreed that physically and mentally I was ready to go back to the unit.
“When?” I asked not giving him not giving him the happiness he was expecting from such a statement, in fact I didn’t really pay much attention to him at all but to the little white patient line TV that hung over the bed. There was nothing on that interested me in the slightest but Dr. Jordan and his announcements interested me even less, he would do what he wanted weather I liked it on not and there was nothing I could do about it or stop him making the television the most relatable object in the room.
“As soon as you’re ready to go, you have been discharged and I’m going to give you a lift back the unit. I understand your return has gone down very well with Bella, summer and even with Connor it seems; the staff have said they haven’t heard him talk so much in all his time there.
“Connor?” I asked surprised at the mention of his name, I new him but not well, in fact we had never talked at all from what I recalled, he mostly just stared at me studying every detail of me with his deep chocolate eyes not even bothering to look away when our eyes briefly meet each others and locked there for a while, a certain fascination keeping them glued to each other however I still hadn’t managed to work out if he was trying to talk to me telepathically or kill me….
“Wait!” I shouted shaking my self out of the trance of wander the thought of Conner had set me into as another more important part of the sentence infiltrated me. “Bella was being discharged three days ago, she told me other the phone, why hasn’t she left yet?” I questioned wondering what had unfolded to keep her there; whatever it was I new that it couldn’t of been anything good.
“You know I’m not aloud to tell you that Mi, but as soon as you get your self ready I can take you back and you can ask her you’re self.”
“I am ready.” I said getting to my feet slipping and slipping my back pumps on over my feet before heaving the bag of clothes and books onto the bed wincing slightly as I caught sight of the angry raised barely healed scar on the back of my wrist.
“Well anyone would think you couldn’t wait to get back to the unit Mi.” Doctor Jordan smiled taking the bag for the bed and throwing to over his shoulder.”
“No,” I corrected shooting down any glory he might of felt, he wasn’t doing me any favours returning me to apple gate and he didn’t really care because to him I was just a piece of luggage he could put any where he wanted. “I have just learnt that arguing with you is like arguing with my reflection, I will always lose, so I just can’t be bothered any more.”
Ok i am pretty sure i am down to something like two readers now but hay ho here is another update!!!
Cruch
It felt like the bottom of my stomach slipped out from with under me as my heart jumped up to start drumming in my mouth; how had I caused this, how had I managed to haunt her and cause the pain I could so clearly see in her eyes for though I had made mistakes I had never meant to cause her any pain.
“You told me you where OK that night Mi, you smiled and you joked around and all the time you had that blade on you somewhere, you had it all planed out in your head and you could of told me, I would of tried to have helped you Mi but you just threw it away; took me for a fool.” Esmee sighed closing her eyes against the tears that tried to force there way out of them.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered unable to get anything else out of my mouth though on the insides big lengthy explanations formed to try and put her mind at rest. I wanted to tell her that she had been in my mind as I slid into the water and she had been on my mind as I dragged the blade back across my wrists. I wanted to tell her that the time we had talked before I tried to take my life in the tub i had got closer then I had ever been before at choosing life and telling her all of my plans. In short I wanted to tell her that she meant the world to me but instead I remained silent.
“I found you in that bath, I knocked on the door and you didn’t answer and something inside me knew I was going to walk into a scean from one of my very worse nightmares and I wasn’t wrong of course because there you where under the water; dead. I thought you where dead Mi, did you not think what that would do to the person who found you? Did you think I would just shake it off and go back to work the next day after telling Emmet over the breakfast table?” Esmee asked her eyes still closed as her tone turned from sad to frustrated
“Yes actually that is exactly how I thought it was going to work.” I said honestly recoiling slightly at how accurate Esmee’s words where to how I imagined the aftermath of my suicide; “I never new anyone cared about me so why would it effect them after I had died?”
“You mean that don’t you?” Esmee said opening her eyes and allowing two big tears to slip delicately down over her high cheek bones and off her face. It seemed my answer had brought her back from the brink of anger to a placid all be it bitter understanding of my actions.
“I did think of you Esmee, and Emmet. Every time. Every time I do something to my self lately you have both been floating though my head and there is a part of me that would rather talk to You both then do what my head tells me but it is so heard to take the help. I mean if you had been suffering with a broken leg for sixteen years with no help at all then all of a sudden someone came along and gave you a cruch to help you get around would you know how to use it right away or would you still find it easier the old way? I am sorry that I hurt you though Esmee I really never meant to do that; I’m so sorry.” sighed lacing my fingers back through hers.
“I know my baby, I know.”
