summing up the situation (Mi's side)

really really triggering for SI also kind of graphic so take care and only read if you are safe

Oh and on a completly unrelated point what do people think of the new background? Please don't be too nasty at how ugly the child is, i think i was only two there! LOL

Summing up the situation

“So this is going to be your room.” Emmet said in an upbeat tone shoving a non glossy grainy photo in front of me that I tried to get my eyes to focus on. “It used to be the attic but we got it converted for our older foster kids, we also have a room on the first floor next to our room for foster children but we usually just use that one for babies and young children as it is rather small and not as private, the attic room has your own bathroom and things and is considerably larger…”

My head swam out of Emmet’s description and back inside of my self where the red monsters lay with projected images of me cutting into my own skin and the bright red swirling down to drip onto…

“Mi, Mi!” Emmet yelled rubbing the side of my arm roughly as my eyes and brain blinked back to focus in on him again, the fog lifting for a few seconds from over me. “Focus on my voice, I’m the only one who matters right now. Now what is your favourite colour?”

Red, a deep hot pulsing red pushing it’s way to the surface of my skin where it was so wrongly contained, red, red, red, deep perfect red…

“Mi, tell me a colour!” Emmet demanded his voice rising up past what was normal for him, like he was somehow trying to drown out the others that where in my head all shouting loudly all at the same time.

“Re…Purple.” I corrected my self trying to fix my wondering eyes onto the picture in front of me and paint the walls purple in my head over and over again as something deeper kept making them a dripping blood red until it felt like I was drowning in it.

“Good what else?”

Red, the colour swims around every part of me a deep metallic red that rushes up around me until it gets up to my head and flows over drowning me in it’s metallic smell as it pumps into my lungs and stomach stopping me breathing…

“Come on you have to like something else?” Emmet persisted like he couldn’t see that I was drowning in front of him; like he thought I cared right then what colour my room was painted or where it was in the house or anything else…

“Mi..”


“I don’t fucking care!” I snarled “I don’t give a fucking shit what colour you paint my fucking…”

“you do, Emmet corrected taking my hands back into his and rubbing them roughly trying to make my tense crooked fingers relax into his .

“Come off of colours,” I head Esmee say in the background as she took hold of my trembling shoulders in her hands and squeezed them tightly. “Horribly triggering, try and avoid anything too sensory.”

“Everything is sensory,”

The sticky warmness of blood against my hands seeping under the cracks to freedom, the acidic metallic smell that was so strong it left a lasting metal taste on my tongue like the coolness of cold steal. The glorious alive red against pale translucent white skin and fragile tiny blue vains that pulsed so willingly with the blood contained inside; one blade slice away from emptying them above the surface..

“Mi, Mi!” I heard Esmee shouting somewhere over the beating of my heart and the rushing of my blood. “What’s 109 plus 37?”

“146.”

“Good girl, what about what about 906 divided by four?” The cogs in my mind ticked dividing the number dividing it again trying to get them into the right places, but the number didn’t fit perfectly, there was something left, something to be halved again an annoying point five that I had always hated.

“226.5”

“ok What about 6 take away 103 then plus 45?”

The sum was easy; simple. “negative 52”

“15 times 12 divided by 3.”

That was harder but not impossible I just needed more time to make my mind the calculator, to push away all the annoying redness that lingered in the corners for it wasn’t needed to answer the question that had been set to make…

“60”

“213 plus 45? How are you feeling Mi?

Red against skin, red on the walls…

“258,” I stammered the question wasn’t heard enough. “Don’t stop,” I babbled breathlessly “Just make them harder, they need to be hard.” I demanded to Esmee as I felt my body relaxed slightly and my hands and legs un-cramp against the chair … “ really heard.”