OK so writers bloxk really sucks. I still have it but have tried to struggle though and write something. I am not sure if this is any good but i have tried. Please let me know if you don't think it's up to standered and i will try again.
vikki
They came back
“Hay, hay, its OK sweet heart it’s OK.” Emmet soothed stroking his fingers through my hair as he tried to rearrange himself better so I could sit better on his lap. “If only everybody was as existed as about me waking up in the morning the unit would run perfectly.” Emmet laughed holding me tight into him but I just continued to sob into his chest unable to laugh at his joke even though he was trying to make me feel better. I still couldn’t believe that he was actually there again and I could once again hold onto him. I still felt bad, depression didn’t just lift like that but with him there felt like there was a chance, with him the complete blackness that had always surrounded me shifted to dark greys
“Come on Sweetie, It’s OK, it’s all going to be OK.” Emmet soothed gently reaching up to my bedside table and pulling down the box of tissues before handing me one.
“I understand mornings have become very heard for you at the moment.” Emmet said softly as he rubbed big calming circles over my back as I continued to try -unsuccessfully admittedly - to catch my breath enough to form coherent speech.
There was so much that I wanted to ask Emmet that there seemed to be no time for my tears now. I wanted to know if he was OK and I wanted to know if she was OK and weather she would be coming back to work as well. I wanted to tell him if I had done something to cause their extended absence I was sorry, I wanted to tell him that I never meant to do any harm to them and I hated my self for hurting them but there was no words I could say and as the morning fully engulfed me the nausea hit hard along with the crying making me reluctantly let him go in haste so I could make my normal disoriented scramble to the bathroom where I could throw up.
“Hay Mi what’s the matter, where are you going?” I heard Emmet call after me as I reached the door of my room and tripped out into the corridor barley missing a grumpy Bella as she emerged out of Joy -her new high dependency room- growling at Edward about it being a teenagers right to be able to sleep in and skip breakfast.
Gasping slightly I ploughed off up the corridor at a sprint as I felt the vomit gush forcefully up my throat and into my mouth and only just managed to fling my self into the bathroom before the familiar murky liquid mixed with orange bile erupted out of my mouth and splattered onto the floor in a projectile fashion missing my target of the toilet by inches.
“Stupid fucking worthless piece of shit.” I growled at my self trying to stop the tears that rolled down over my face in a mixture of embarrassment and frustration turning into full on sobbing. “Stupid disgusting bitch from hell, why can’t I just fucking die?” I hissed chocking on the heard tears as I grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser and throw them on the floor on top of the vomit as I tried to make my chest take some deep breaths around the wetness that was clogged inside of me. “Fucking useless bitch. Fucking useless worthless, completely idiotic fucking brain dead whore that can’t even get vomiting fucking…”
“Hay, hay Mi honey what’s all this about sweet heart.” I heard another sweet voce echo from behind me cutting me off as my self insulting got louder and once again all my muscles tightened in a spasm. Was it really possible that she had returned to? That like Emmet before Esmee could really be standing solid and real behind me?
“Sweat heart what’s the matter? What happened?” the same voice asked at the same time as placing her arm around me, the same velvet touch against my skin that made me know instantly that Esmee had returned too.
“I’ve thrown up on the floor,” I Wailed no longer able to contain the tears to simply crying, “I am so sorry, I tried to get to the loo in time but it was just so fast and so violent that I just couldn’t and I know I am stupid but I have told the doctor over and over that I can’t stop throwing up and…”
“Wowah, Mi honey its fine baby, its fine, all of its fine, we have all had this before it can’t be helped and it can be cleaned up easily enough, it’s absolutely…”
“Stupid! I’m so fucking stupid!” I sobbed
“No your not baby, your really not, I know you feeling terribly sad right now but it’s all OK. It’s going to get better OK.” Esmee said softly turning me around so I was looking right at her,
“You came back,” I whined as I looked up into her eyes and every defence and feeling from the last three weeks with out her came to smash into me in one go. “You came back Esmee,” I wept throwing my self into her arms much like I had done to Emmet’s, “you came back!”
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Saturday, 12 November 2011
Knives of ice and sweetness (Mi's side)
Ahh i so loce writing this i have no idea why. This chapter is happy and sad so as always safty first
enjoy
Knives of ice and sweetness
Somewhere in the middle of the night my head found an uneasy sleep but it hadn’t lasted long and I woke again at about three in the morning. My head hurt and I felt sick as I always did these days but I did not move out of the bed. In light of my recant depression my anti- depressants had been upped again to what felt like an inhuman amount and now every morning before breakfast I had to swallow six bitter little pills. The constant sickness and nausea was cause by this but Dr. Jordan didn’t seemed to care much about side effects and prescribed yet more tablets to stop this and suggested that I kept same bowls in my room as I was mostly sick when I first tried to move in the mornings. He seemed to forget the fact that being sick was uncomfortable and draining not to mention horribly triggering.
The clocks had since gone back so the mornings where now brighter and the unit was soaked in an eyrie glow by 6am. Sometimes if I could find the energy in my self I would sit up pull back the icky speckled curtains and stair out onto the grounds. I used to hate the fact that the fence was so tall and the way the security lights flashed like they where on guard from where they sat proudly on top of it. I used to hate the fact the car park was nearly deserted apart from a few staff cars that would sit there as they worked the night shift in the unit but all those little things seemed not to matter any more. In fact I had become to welcome the enclosure at least in here you where safe from the crowds and demons that lurked out there.
Twice that morning I tried to persuade my body to get up and look out the window but the exercise of doing so had long become just another devise to torture my self with. Every morning I peeked down at the car park longing to see that gleaming red Nissan Note or that soft powder blue Honda Jazz looking back up at me but they where never there any more and it hurt too much to see there empty spaces in the head nurses bays.
As always the rest of the unit started to stir at about seven when the night staff where getting ready to go home at half past and the early shift where getting there bearings and taking there seats in the nurses station or by the doors of there sleeping ambers or reds like ghosts in the night, changing shifting and moving but always there somehow like magic or a curse.
More then once that morning I thought I heard Esmee’s soft and concerned voice asking questions about something or someone but this wasn’t so unheard of. My mind had fooled me and tricked me that she was there before and the same thing happened for Emmet as well. I could remember the day he first walked into my room at the unit and I was so scared of him and how now it seemed so stupid because if he was to walk in that door now I would run up to him, throw my arms around him and try never to let him go. Emmet was the closest thing I had ever felt to how a farther should be but I had lost him and I had lost another sister as well in Esmee. When would the world decide I had lost enough?
My body shook with silent sobbing as I remembered their faces and all the things they had done for me over the six short months I had known them. How they made me feel hope, how they had eased my hurting and how the fact I had allowed my self to become so intertwined with them that it could hurt this much when they where not here any more.
My crying lasted to 8am when the doors started banging open and nurses started calling out names to try and prise reluctant clients out of there beds. Some staff where loud and abrupt about it, smashing doors and pulling open curtains, some where funny and used tickling out of tune singing their favourite songs being Morning has broken and the sun has got his hat on and others where softer… well they used to be softer.
“Mi, come on Hun it’s time to get up and get ready for breakfast A soft deep voice whispered somewhere close to my bed when it was my turn for the wake up call and normally I would have shot up in seconds yanked open my curtains if they all ready hadn’t and scampered off to the bathroom with out saying a world but this morning I could not bring my self to prise my eyes open because for a moment I thought I had drifted back to sleep and for the first time in a long time a pleasant dream had found me. This was Emmet’s wake up call I remembered it so well and I wanted to hold on there for just a few more seconds in dream induced bliss.
“Come on sleepy head, it’s time to open them eyes; we’ve missed you.” I could feel my body tense as the sweet words drifted through me like knives of sweet ice stabbing somewhere into my chest and soon the tears had come back making my whole body shudder and shake as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter the tears dripping out from under my eye lashes and onto my all ready damp pillow.
“So your all ready awake, just can’t face seeing the world just yet then, well that’s OK you’ll get there.” The voice of Emmet said gently just before I felt the familiar hand on my shoulder and the tears came thicker faster and slightly noisier. This dream sequence had once again turned into a night mare. He was there but that hurt because it wasn’t really him and as always with my dreams they where not happy until I was screaming.
“Come on Mi, up you get. Let’s get you dressed and ready and we can have a chat after breakfast see if we can work out why you are feeling quite so down right now.”
Unable to bear it any more I opened my eyes to try and get the voice of Emmet to leave me, but as I opened my eyes he was still there, solid and real knelt down close at the side of my bed just like he had never left there at all. Like the three weeks of hell I had lived though never had happened, and even though I knew I was opening my self up to get torn apart all over again I couldn’t help it as I felt by body leaping off of the side of the bed towards him and onto his lap arms locked solidly around his neck as I sobbed heavily into his chest.
enjoy
Knives of ice and sweetness
Mi
Somewhere in the middle of the night my head found an uneasy sleep but it hadn’t lasted long and I woke again at about three in the morning. My head hurt and I felt sick as I always did these days but I did not move out of the bed. In light of my recant depression my anti- depressants had been upped again to what felt like an inhuman amount and now every morning before breakfast I had to swallow six bitter little pills. The constant sickness and nausea was cause by this but Dr. Jordan didn’t seemed to care much about side effects and prescribed yet more tablets to stop this and suggested that I kept same bowls in my room as I was mostly sick when I first tried to move in the mornings. He seemed to forget the fact that being sick was uncomfortable and draining not to mention horribly triggering.
The clocks had since gone back so the mornings where now brighter and the unit was soaked in an eyrie glow by 6am. Sometimes if I could find the energy in my self I would sit up pull back the icky speckled curtains and stair out onto the grounds. I used to hate the fact that the fence was so tall and the way the security lights flashed like they where on guard from where they sat proudly on top of it. I used to hate the fact the car park was nearly deserted apart from a few staff cars that would sit there as they worked the night shift in the unit but all those little things seemed not to matter any more. In fact I had become to welcome the enclosure at least in here you where safe from the crowds and demons that lurked out there.
Twice that morning I tried to persuade my body to get up and look out the window but the exercise of doing so had long become just another devise to torture my self with. Every morning I peeked down at the car park longing to see that gleaming red Nissan Note or that soft powder blue Honda Jazz looking back up at me but they where never there any more and it hurt too much to see there empty spaces in the head nurses bays.
As always the rest of the unit started to stir at about seven when the night staff where getting ready to go home at half past and the early shift where getting there bearings and taking there seats in the nurses station or by the doors of there sleeping ambers or reds like ghosts in the night, changing shifting and moving but always there somehow like magic or a curse.
More then once that morning I thought I heard Esmee’s soft and concerned voice asking questions about something or someone but this wasn’t so unheard of. My mind had fooled me and tricked me that she was there before and the same thing happened for Emmet as well. I could remember the day he first walked into my room at the unit and I was so scared of him and how now it seemed so stupid because if he was to walk in that door now I would run up to him, throw my arms around him and try never to let him go. Emmet was the closest thing I had ever felt to how a farther should be but I had lost him and I had lost another sister as well in Esmee. When would the world decide I had lost enough?
My body shook with silent sobbing as I remembered their faces and all the things they had done for me over the six short months I had known them. How they made me feel hope, how they had eased my hurting and how the fact I had allowed my self to become so intertwined with them that it could hurt this much when they where not here any more.
My crying lasted to 8am when the doors started banging open and nurses started calling out names to try and prise reluctant clients out of there beds. Some staff where loud and abrupt about it, smashing doors and pulling open curtains, some where funny and used tickling out of tune singing their favourite songs being Morning has broken and the sun has got his hat on and others where softer… well they used to be softer.
“Mi, come on Hun it’s time to get up and get ready for breakfast A soft deep voice whispered somewhere close to my bed when it was my turn for the wake up call and normally I would have shot up in seconds yanked open my curtains if they all ready hadn’t and scampered off to the bathroom with out saying a world but this morning I could not bring my self to prise my eyes open because for a moment I thought I had drifted back to sleep and for the first time in a long time a pleasant dream had found me. This was Emmet’s wake up call I remembered it so well and I wanted to hold on there for just a few more seconds in dream induced bliss.
“Come on sleepy head, it’s time to open them eyes; we’ve missed you.” I could feel my body tense as the sweet words drifted through me like knives of sweet ice stabbing somewhere into my chest and soon the tears had come back making my whole body shudder and shake as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter the tears dripping out from under my eye lashes and onto my all ready damp pillow.
“So your all ready awake, just can’t face seeing the world just yet then, well that’s OK you’ll get there.” The voice of Emmet said gently just before I felt the familiar hand on my shoulder and the tears came thicker faster and slightly noisier. This dream sequence had once again turned into a night mare. He was there but that hurt because it wasn’t really him and as always with my dreams they where not happy until I was screaming.
“Come on Mi, up you get. Let’s get you dressed and ready and we can have a chat after breakfast see if we can work out why you are feeling quite so down right now.”
Unable to bear it any more I opened my eyes to try and get the voice of Emmet to leave me, but as I opened my eyes he was still there, solid and real knelt down close at the side of my bed just like he had never left there at all. Like the three weeks of hell I had lived though never had happened, and even though I knew I was opening my self up to get torn apart all over again I couldn’t help it as I felt by body leaping off of the side of the bed towards him and onto his lap arms locked solidly around his neck as I sobbed heavily into his chest.
Friday, 11 November 2011
(Esmee) Nine (Mis side)
Nine
“So we have covered discharges and learnt some thing.” Emmet smiled gently giving me a wink as he tried to break the silence that had fallen over the office, “What about admissions.”
“Now this is where the fun starts,” Edward sighed rolling his eyes before pointing to the white board that was behind him and riddled with names and basic information. “We got three out and five in. “Looks like you have both been assigned to Madeline Jinx when she comes and Esmee to James Bryan and You have Peter Page with my self and Ava Emmet, so you best get reading up about them. The others are Thomas Walker and Rainy Waters.”
“Well that’s an unfortunate name.” Emmet smiled trying to hold back a giggle under his breath at the same time as me.
“You’re telling me,” Edward smiled
“Well we shouldn’t laugh,” I said snorting any way. “And that’s from someone coming who has had silly last name-itsu all their lives.”
“Your maiden name was worse then bear?” Edward joked just before Emmet went round to his side of the desk and bopped him playfully over his head with an exercise book before going over and giving Alice and giving her the same treatment who had given up on trying to write and now had her whole fist in her mouth trying to stop herself laughing a laugh.
“Well you got to tell us.” Alice prompted trying to keep a straight face
“I would say promise not to laugh but you will any way so I might as well just get on with it. It was monster.”
“So you where an Esmee monster?” Edward said his lips clenched in a thin line across his face before both Alice Emmet and him self burst out into hysterical laughing and I rolled my eyes going over the admissions board to have a closer look.
“Hay, Hay guys!” I shouted above the laughter trying to get there attention. “I think we got Madeline’s Date of birth wrong.” I called working out the numbers in my head twice to make sure I hadn’t got it wrong.
“Nope, we haven’t.”
“But this makes her …
“Nine. We know.” Edward said, “We are as surprised and unhappy about it as you are.”
“We are only licensed for ten and up though.” I said suppressed turning around and bumping into Emmet who had also come to have a closer look at the board.
“If you look she is ten next week and that is when she will be here.”
“So we have covered discharges and learnt some thing.” Emmet smiled gently giving me a wink as he tried to break the silence that had fallen over the office, “What about admissions.”
“Now this is where the fun starts,” Edward sighed rolling his eyes before pointing to the white board that was behind him and riddled with names and basic information. “We got three out and five in. “Looks like you have both been assigned to Madeline Jinx when she comes and Esmee to James Bryan and You have Peter Page with my self and Ava Emmet, so you best get reading up about them. The others are Thomas Walker and Rainy Waters.”
“Well that’s an unfortunate name.” Emmet smiled trying to hold back a giggle under his breath at the same time as me.
“You’re telling me,” Edward smiled
“Well we shouldn’t laugh,” I said snorting any way. “And that’s from someone coming who has had silly last name-itsu all their lives.”
“Your maiden name was worse then bear?” Edward joked just before Emmet went round to his side of the desk and bopped him playfully over his head with an exercise book before going over and giving Alice and giving her the same treatment who had given up on trying to write and now had her whole fist in her mouth trying to stop herself laughing a laugh.
“Well you got to tell us.” Alice prompted trying to keep a straight face
“I would say promise not to laugh but you will any way so I might as well just get on with it. It was monster.”
“So you where an Esmee monster?” Edward said his lips clenched in a thin line across his face before both Alice Emmet and him self burst out into hysterical laughing and I rolled my eyes going over the admissions board to have a closer look.
“Hay, Hay guys!” I shouted above the laughter trying to get there attention. “I think we got Madeline’s Date of birth wrong.” I called working out the numbers in my head twice to make sure I hadn’t got it wrong.
“Nope, we haven’t.”
“But this makes her …
“Nine. We know.” Edward said, “We are as surprised and unhappy about it as you are.”
“We are only licensed for ten and up though.” I said suppressed turning around and bumping into Emmet who had also come to have a closer look at the board.
“If you look she is ten next week and that is when she will be here.”
(Esmee) Never be the same (Mi's side)
Never be the same.
I went back to work on the Monday for the early shift as well as Emmet. Ava he been half heartedly trying to keep us in the know how about what was going on but mostly she just refused to talk about it saying I was off of work or a reason. She had even refused to tell me anything about Mi other then she had managed to prise the glass off of her with the help from Bella, Summer and Connor and she had been safe ever since so was now on Entry level observations. My heart had leapt when I heard this because I knew what it meant. Her first visit to our house would be immanent now with the out look of discharging her somewhere in the next four months.
We arrived to work nearly three hours early knowing there would be reams and reams of files to go through before we could get back into the swing of things not to mention any new admissions or changes in condition and when we let our self’s into the office at five that morning we much to the surprise of Alice and Edward who where writing up the night time notes we where glad we had as both white boards where littered with client information and files where day books where strewn all over the place with out much order. It appeared in our absence lots had happened.
“Well you two are a sight for sore eyes even if you are ridiculously early.” Edward said looking up from a day book that he was writing in. “This place really has been a mess with out you. Want the low down?” He smiled at the same time as letting out a sigh.
“Of course. How is every one?
“Well let’s start with Discharges. We have lost Ella, Conner and Jack,” Edward smiled. Discharges because of progress where happy things and these had been in the pipe line for a while. Ella had spent fifteen months with us and was long overdue to be going back home again. Of course with Ella there was always a chance we would be seeing her again as she was a frequent patient in apple gate house but we where always hopeful that one day she would remain well. Jack had been with us for just over six moths and we all saw his anxiety was now under control and he was doing well and Connor had always been a personal favourite of mine. He was hurt badly by his obsessive compulsion to touch hot things and his life had been controlled to the point of self destruction for the need to be clean and for things to be in odd numbers. He had come to us depressed and broken a part nearly a year ago but we saw him come alive and now he did not belong with us any more though a part of me would miss him sorely for a few days.
“No update on Bella’s discharge yet then?” I asked sighing. Her discharge had been planed for almost six weeks earlier but that was before we had found out what she was doing. At first it looked like after almost twelve months of trying she had beaten her eating disorder. She had reached her target weight and maintained it well and it had been a long time since we had to use her PEG or even give her the Ensure. Her move on meetings where good and she had a place lined up for her in a moving on eating disorders rehabilitation unit where the support would be minimal but there in case she needed it but then when I was doing weigh in one morning Everything fell apart.
“Afraid not Ez, like you said she had been on a slippery slope since you found out what she was doing.” Edward sighed before spinning around on his chair and pointing up at the notice board for today’s tasks, the top one being “insertion of NG tube for Bella Reynolds,” Her PEG had been removed in prep for her discharge and in a celebration of it not being needed, it seemed now the choice had been made prematurely.
“I will do it after breakfast.” I said sadly going over to the board and putting my initials beside the task before turning to Emmet to see if he would help. I didn’t have to say anything before he gave a small nod and I wrote his initials next to mine.
“Poor kid, she must still be mortified by what happened.” I moaned softly.
“To be perfectly honest I’m still not sure why she let it get that bed.” Alice said her voice floating in from know where as she pushed one book aside and started on another. I caught the name Mia written on the front and had to restrain my self to stop me throwing my self across the table at it. I was not looking forward to reading what our absence had done to her; or Connors discharge but at least when I new I could start to rebuild some of the rope bridges I had all ready made.
“She was water loading.” I said simply to Alice trying to pull my eyes away from the book she was writing.
“I know she was water loading but water loading or not if I was that desperate to pee I would have just gone. Surly that would have been better then just standing there and wetting your self in front of a nurse. I mean she knew you where going to think something was up if she did that any way. I’m sorry I just don’t get it.” Alice said sharking her head in disbelief which was mimicked by Edward. God these people needed educating.
“Well I get it.” I answered back trying to keep the slight irritation out of my voice.
“Well are you going to let us in on it then?” Alice asked looking up from the book again.
“Just put your self in her shoes. I said as I scanned my eyes down over the rest of the list before coming to the bottom one that read, Try and get Mi to talk, I was confused but quickly wrote Emmet and my self’s initials after it any way I wanted an excuse to spend some time with her.
“The trouble is Esmee none of us have ever been in her shoes have me and there is only so much stuff role play can teach us, to be there would be different and well we just haven’t been.” Alice smiled sadly
“I have.” I responded quietly not sure weather I really wanted her to here me or not. My past at work was unknown to even the staff with the exception of Jean who had only found out recently. It wasn’t because I was purposefully trying to hide it for I was not ashamed of it but in the current times and workings of apple gate house it wasn’t really important and no one had ever asked anyway.
“You have pissed you self in front of a weigh in nurse?” Alice asked simply while she laughed unperturbed by exactly how judgmental and harsh her words sounded against my ears on how if I was weaker she would have brought me to my knees.
“And there it is Alice right there,” I smiled turning away from the board to face her, she needed to learn this lesson now or in years she would turn into a Crystal junior. With out the occasional archer it was very easy to become numb to the suffering around you after years on the job and Alice had been there long enough now to not to care any more. As head nurse it was my job to make sure she did not lose her humanity for all of our sakes.
“There’s what?”
“In that one sentence there you made me feel about three inches tall and completely worthless. Yes I have water loaded and yes I have wet my self in front of the weigh in nurse because that morning I hadn’t calculated it right and drank too much just a little bit too early.” I stated in a matter of fact tone even though in reality right then it felt like I was trying to face the world alone. Alice just stared me like I had announced to them I was actually a man and was going to give up my nursing job to strip in a transgender night club.
“I… I mean… What…I?” Alice babbled her face lighting up in a brilliant red as she fumbled with the book in front of her trying to hide her face behind her hand.
“Look, Alice its fine and I’m sorry, don’t get upset or embarrassed about this I am just trying to help you understand like you asked me too.” I said grabbing a spare chair that was behind one of the desks and pulling it up closer to her sitting down my self.
“Well I feel like an idiot.”
“Don’t your learning and that’s all part of it here,” I smiled putting my hand on her shoulder. “I know that it is easy to make judgments about someone or something they do it’s a natural thing and we all do it all the time; I bet for a second when I said that you thought I was crazy. The thing is you know me better then that right and respect me for what I am now so that’s why your now embarrassed.”
“You just seem like the most unlikely person. Or are you just saying this to make me think?”
“I’m not lying. I came here when I was 16 and I left about a year later,” I said gently but Alice still looked unconvinced.
“Look Emmet will you drive the point home here.” I asked over my shoulder to Emmet who seemed to be standing on guard behind me like I had expected him to be. His protectiveness had gone into overdrive since he found out I was pregnant and this would have been a subject he would of like to have avoided me bringing up on my first day back to work. I was never all that good at talking about my past and at times it had upset me and he knew this as most of the time it had been him I was talking to.
“She was here,” He said stiffly, confirming what I was saying while putting a hand on my shoulder. I nuzzled it gently with my cheek trying to tell him I was OK and moved along with the conversation.
“Besides it doesn’t really matter if I was here or not. What you got to think of is Bella is a human and not just a product of this place and she is ill. All she has heard about for the last few months is her progress, which means all she has seen and heard is everybody now thinks she is fat and she feels bloody horrible about her self yet she hasn’t told any of us because after over 12 months here she wants out so she has found a way to lose the weight and found a deceive to deceive the scales and us in the process so she runs with it and before she knows it she is stuck so deep in the middle of it all she had no idea how to get out and there is no one she feels like she can turn to that wont resort in her stay here being extended so she carries it on. So one morning you have done the same trick as you usually do but as you are getting thinner you obviously have to drink more and more to compensate the weight loss and you realise half way though the weigh in that you really have to go but if you ask the nurse and leave she is going to want a urine sample to make sure your not water loading which would be confirmed when you come back any way because your weights going to have dropped a good few pounds or you weight sit it out and hope that she gets on with it quickly, after all you have been doing this for weeks and you have always made it to the loo before.
So you sit there and it’s uncomfortable and it hurts and quite frankly you feel like crying because of it all until finally she calls you over to the scales you get up and it all happens and once and there is nothing you can do abut it apart from stand there and pee your self in front of everyone and try not to cry from the embarrassment of it all but that isn’t even the worse thing, the worse thing is in the end it would all be for nothing as well because with that your game is up and it will be common knowledge to every one that you are losing weight. Lets be honest here Alice, poor old Bella didn’t have a chance that morning.” I said trying to smile even though somewhere at the back of my eyes I could feel the tears sit. What I had just described was one of my worse times in the unit and t had shoved another four months on my stay. I hated my self for days after it happened and I could never again look at any of the staff with out wanting to run away for each of then had known what happened and in the back of my head I knew when they where copped up in this office together some of them would have been picking fun at it and others would have been shaking there heads in mute disbelief. I felt a shiver go down the back of my spine.
“I think I get it now.” Alice said softly and next to her Edward nodded his approval. They both wore kind and understanding faces but mostly I just felt patronized by them. I had no idea if what I had just done helped Bella or shot my integrity as a nurse up the ass. All I knew is I would now never look the same to Alice and Edward again in the same way as Bella would always look just a little different to me weather I liked to admit it or not.
I went back to work on the Monday for the early shift as well as Emmet. Ava he been half heartedly trying to keep us in the know how about what was going on but mostly she just refused to talk about it saying I was off of work or a reason. She had even refused to tell me anything about Mi other then she had managed to prise the glass off of her with the help from Bella, Summer and Connor and she had been safe ever since so was now on Entry level observations. My heart had leapt when I heard this because I knew what it meant. Her first visit to our house would be immanent now with the out look of discharging her somewhere in the next four months.
We arrived to work nearly three hours early knowing there would be reams and reams of files to go through before we could get back into the swing of things not to mention any new admissions or changes in condition and when we let our self’s into the office at five that morning we much to the surprise of Alice and Edward who where writing up the night time notes we where glad we had as both white boards where littered with client information and files where day books where strewn all over the place with out much order. It appeared in our absence lots had happened.
“Well you two are a sight for sore eyes even if you are ridiculously early.” Edward said looking up from a day book that he was writing in. “This place really has been a mess with out you. Want the low down?” He smiled at the same time as letting out a sigh.
“Of course. How is every one?
“Well let’s start with Discharges. We have lost Ella, Conner and Jack,” Edward smiled. Discharges because of progress where happy things and these had been in the pipe line for a while. Ella had spent fifteen months with us and was long overdue to be going back home again. Of course with Ella there was always a chance we would be seeing her again as she was a frequent patient in apple gate house but we where always hopeful that one day she would remain well. Jack had been with us for just over six moths and we all saw his anxiety was now under control and he was doing well and Connor had always been a personal favourite of mine. He was hurt badly by his obsessive compulsion to touch hot things and his life had been controlled to the point of self destruction for the need to be clean and for things to be in odd numbers. He had come to us depressed and broken a part nearly a year ago but we saw him come alive and now he did not belong with us any more though a part of me would miss him sorely for a few days.
“No update on Bella’s discharge yet then?” I asked sighing. Her discharge had been planed for almost six weeks earlier but that was before we had found out what she was doing. At first it looked like after almost twelve months of trying she had beaten her eating disorder. She had reached her target weight and maintained it well and it had been a long time since we had to use her PEG or even give her the Ensure. Her move on meetings where good and she had a place lined up for her in a moving on eating disorders rehabilitation unit where the support would be minimal but there in case she needed it but then when I was doing weigh in one morning Everything fell apart.
“Afraid not Ez, like you said she had been on a slippery slope since you found out what she was doing.” Edward sighed before spinning around on his chair and pointing up at the notice board for today’s tasks, the top one being “insertion of NG tube for Bella Reynolds,” Her PEG had been removed in prep for her discharge and in a celebration of it not being needed, it seemed now the choice had been made prematurely.
“I will do it after breakfast.” I said sadly going over to the board and putting my initials beside the task before turning to Emmet to see if he would help. I didn’t have to say anything before he gave a small nod and I wrote his initials next to mine.
“Poor kid, she must still be mortified by what happened.” I moaned softly.
“To be perfectly honest I’m still not sure why she let it get that bed.” Alice said her voice floating in from know where as she pushed one book aside and started on another. I caught the name Mia written on the front and had to restrain my self to stop me throwing my self across the table at it. I was not looking forward to reading what our absence had done to her; or Connors discharge but at least when I new I could start to rebuild some of the rope bridges I had all ready made.
“She was water loading.” I said simply to Alice trying to pull my eyes away from the book she was writing.
“I know she was water loading but water loading or not if I was that desperate to pee I would have just gone. Surly that would have been better then just standing there and wetting your self in front of a nurse. I mean she knew you where going to think something was up if she did that any way. I’m sorry I just don’t get it.” Alice said sharking her head in disbelief which was mimicked by Edward. God these people needed educating.
“Well I get it.” I answered back trying to keep the slight irritation out of my voice.
“Well are you going to let us in on it then?” Alice asked looking up from the book again.
“Just put your self in her shoes. I said as I scanned my eyes down over the rest of the list before coming to the bottom one that read, Try and get Mi to talk, I was confused but quickly wrote Emmet and my self’s initials after it any way I wanted an excuse to spend some time with her.
“The trouble is Esmee none of us have ever been in her shoes have me and there is only so much stuff role play can teach us, to be there would be different and well we just haven’t been.” Alice smiled sadly
“I have.” I responded quietly not sure weather I really wanted her to here me or not. My past at work was unknown to even the staff with the exception of Jean who had only found out recently. It wasn’t because I was purposefully trying to hide it for I was not ashamed of it but in the current times and workings of apple gate house it wasn’t really important and no one had ever asked anyway.
“You have pissed you self in front of a weigh in nurse?” Alice asked simply while she laughed unperturbed by exactly how judgmental and harsh her words sounded against my ears on how if I was weaker she would have brought me to my knees.
“And there it is Alice right there,” I smiled turning away from the board to face her, she needed to learn this lesson now or in years she would turn into a Crystal junior. With out the occasional archer it was very easy to become numb to the suffering around you after years on the job and Alice had been there long enough now to not to care any more. As head nurse it was my job to make sure she did not lose her humanity for all of our sakes.
“There’s what?”
“In that one sentence there you made me feel about three inches tall and completely worthless. Yes I have water loaded and yes I have wet my self in front of the weigh in nurse because that morning I hadn’t calculated it right and drank too much just a little bit too early.” I stated in a matter of fact tone even though in reality right then it felt like I was trying to face the world alone. Alice just stared me like I had announced to them I was actually a man and was going to give up my nursing job to strip in a transgender night club.
“I… I mean… What…I?” Alice babbled her face lighting up in a brilliant red as she fumbled with the book in front of her trying to hide her face behind her hand.
“Look, Alice its fine and I’m sorry, don’t get upset or embarrassed about this I am just trying to help you understand like you asked me too.” I said grabbing a spare chair that was behind one of the desks and pulling it up closer to her sitting down my self.
“Well I feel like an idiot.”
“Don’t your learning and that’s all part of it here,” I smiled putting my hand on her shoulder. “I know that it is easy to make judgments about someone or something they do it’s a natural thing and we all do it all the time; I bet for a second when I said that you thought I was crazy. The thing is you know me better then that right and respect me for what I am now so that’s why your now embarrassed.”
“You just seem like the most unlikely person. Or are you just saying this to make me think?”
“I’m not lying. I came here when I was 16 and I left about a year later,” I said gently but Alice still looked unconvinced.
“Look Emmet will you drive the point home here.” I asked over my shoulder to Emmet who seemed to be standing on guard behind me like I had expected him to be. His protectiveness had gone into overdrive since he found out I was pregnant and this would have been a subject he would of like to have avoided me bringing up on my first day back to work. I was never all that good at talking about my past and at times it had upset me and he knew this as most of the time it had been him I was talking to.
“She was here,” He said stiffly, confirming what I was saying while putting a hand on my shoulder. I nuzzled it gently with my cheek trying to tell him I was OK and moved along with the conversation.
“Besides it doesn’t really matter if I was here or not. What you got to think of is Bella is a human and not just a product of this place and she is ill. All she has heard about for the last few months is her progress, which means all she has seen and heard is everybody now thinks she is fat and she feels bloody horrible about her self yet she hasn’t told any of us because after over 12 months here she wants out so she has found a way to lose the weight and found a deceive to deceive the scales and us in the process so she runs with it and before she knows it she is stuck so deep in the middle of it all she had no idea how to get out and there is no one she feels like she can turn to that wont resort in her stay here being extended so she carries it on. So one morning you have done the same trick as you usually do but as you are getting thinner you obviously have to drink more and more to compensate the weight loss and you realise half way though the weigh in that you really have to go but if you ask the nurse and leave she is going to want a urine sample to make sure your not water loading which would be confirmed when you come back any way because your weights going to have dropped a good few pounds or you weight sit it out and hope that she gets on with it quickly, after all you have been doing this for weeks and you have always made it to the loo before.
So you sit there and it’s uncomfortable and it hurts and quite frankly you feel like crying because of it all until finally she calls you over to the scales you get up and it all happens and once and there is nothing you can do abut it apart from stand there and pee your self in front of everyone and try not to cry from the embarrassment of it all but that isn’t even the worse thing, the worse thing is in the end it would all be for nothing as well because with that your game is up and it will be common knowledge to every one that you are losing weight. Lets be honest here Alice, poor old Bella didn’t have a chance that morning.” I said trying to smile even though somewhere at the back of my eyes I could feel the tears sit. What I had just described was one of my worse times in the unit and t had shoved another four months on my stay. I hated my self for days after it happened and I could never again look at any of the staff with out wanting to run away for each of then had known what happened and in the back of my head I knew when they where copped up in this office together some of them would have been picking fun at it and others would have been shaking there heads in mute disbelief. I felt a shiver go down the back of my spine.
“I think I get it now.” Alice said softly and next to her Edward nodded his approval. They both wore kind and understanding faces but mostly I just felt patronized by them. I had no idea if what I had just done helped Bella or shot my integrity as a nurse up the ass. All I knew is I would now never look the same to Alice and Edward again in the same way as Bella would always look just a little different to me weather I liked to admit it or not.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
( Esmee) Moving forward and accepting. (Mi's side)
Moving forward and accepting.
Leo had lied. I spent six nights in the hospital and he had only later told me that in reality he had been expecting that length of time. After I left I was eager to get on with things but Emmet had had other ideas that mostly involved me sitting on my ass and twiddling my fingers which I did with out moaning for a few days until after three weeks of watching day time TV and sleeping over twelve hours a day I thought I was going to scream or go completely crazy so I put my foot down and told Emmet I would be returning to work.
The weeks had been good to me no matter how tedious they where and in general I was feeling better then Ever. I had been sleeping well and had cut out the exercise. I was also with out question eating better and taking Vitamins and Folic acid to try and help my pregnancy along as much as I could and so far against all the odds that where stacked up against the little one growing somewhere inside of me my pregnancy was progressing in the normal and healthy way. Routine blood tests had come back absolutely fine and through the means of an ultrasound scan Emmet and my self had heard the tiny heart that we had created together beating away defying every odd against it. By this time in my previous pregnancy’s I had lost three of my five babies, the first one ending at seven weeks, the second at eight and my forth at one day off of nine weeks. Baby three had reached week 10 though he had threatened miscarriage in the seventh week and that only left Mia who was now are bouncy, sticky button know as Mia.
With the news that I was pregnant my symptoms emerged as well which could be tiresome but carried there own joys in a certain way. There was something that was OK even good about having a bucket under my chair at the table for it had become common knowledge that I would puke almost exactly one minute after I finished my breakfast, and I also didn’t mind the fact that I also found my self vomiting at any point during the morning with only a few minutes warning either. I did not mind the fact that I now apparently had the bladder of an ant which sent me running to the low every few hours and I even cared very little about the fact I had not made it to the bathroom on more then one occasion. In fact it caused much hilarity to Emmet as we where also trying to potty train Mia and during breakfast he would bets on about who would Pee them self more that day. Was all of this embarrassing? Completely but it also didn’t matter for with only one other pregnancy had o experienced these kind of symptoms and that was Mia’s If my tiny little baby was causing these things they did not matter in the slightest because it was because of her and my heart all ready ached with the love I felt for it. Of course the most exciting of all the new pregnancy developments was the bump. I was early on and the bump was little but Emmet and my self could see it there and countless hours where spent talking singing and rubbing it. Of course we know the reality that probably waited for this bump but that is what made it all the more important for we both know at any moment on any day it could all slip away again. It would kill us inside we would cry a lot but we would and could move on again. We had Mia and we had each other if it happened it wouldn’t feel like enough but it was.
Esmee
Leo had lied. I spent six nights in the hospital and he had only later told me that in reality he had been expecting that length of time. After I left I was eager to get on with things but Emmet had had other ideas that mostly involved me sitting on my ass and twiddling my fingers which I did with out moaning for a few days until after three weeks of watching day time TV and sleeping over twelve hours a day I thought I was going to scream or go completely crazy so I put my foot down and told Emmet I would be returning to work.
The weeks had been good to me no matter how tedious they where and in general I was feeling better then Ever. I had been sleeping well and had cut out the exercise. I was also with out question eating better and taking Vitamins and Folic acid to try and help my pregnancy along as much as I could and so far against all the odds that where stacked up against the little one growing somewhere inside of me my pregnancy was progressing in the normal and healthy way. Routine blood tests had come back absolutely fine and through the means of an ultrasound scan Emmet and my self had heard the tiny heart that we had created together beating away defying every odd against it. By this time in my previous pregnancy’s I had lost three of my five babies, the first one ending at seven weeks, the second at eight and my forth at one day off of nine weeks. Baby three had reached week 10 though he had threatened miscarriage in the seventh week and that only left Mia who was now are bouncy, sticky button know as Mia.
With the news that I was pregnant my symptoms emerged as well which could be tiresome but carried there own joys in a certain way. There was something that was OK even good about having a bucket under my chair at the table for it had become common knowledge that I would puke almost exactly one minute after I finished my breakfast, and I also didn’t mind the fact that I also found my self vomiting at any point during the morning with only a few minutes warning either. I did not mind the fact that I now apparently had the bladder of an ant which sent me running to the low every few hours and I even cared very little about the fact I had not made it to the bathroom on more then one occasion. In fact it caused much hilarity to Emmet as we where also trying to potty train Mia and during breakfast he would bets on about who would Pee them self more that day. Was all of this embarrassing? Completely but it also didn’t matter for with only one other pregnancy had o experienced these kind of symptoms and that was Mia’s If my tiny little baby was causing these things they did not matter in the slightest because it was because of her and my heart all ready ached with the love I felt for it. Of course the most exciting of all the new pregnancy developments was the bump. I was early on and the bump was little but Emmet and my self could see it there and countless hours where spent talking singing and rubbing it. Of course we know the reality that probably waited for this bump but that is what made it all the more important for we both know at any moment on any day it could all slip away again. It would kill us inside we would cry a lot but we would and could move on again. We had Mia and we had each other if it happened it wouldn’t feel like enough but it was.
All that i know is i'm breathing (Mi's side)
All that I know is I’m breathing
Three weeks past in what seemed like a world I had become detached from. Like somehow I was watching my self float around with the others on the unit but inside I wasn’t really there. Esmee or Emmet had not come back the day I fort with the glass under the bed or the next day, or the next…or the next. For the first few days I was inconsolably sad and brutally angry but the numbing dispersion set in after that turning everything gray. I had asked after them to every member of staff especially Ava and Jean but I always got the same shit shoved back into my face about personal problems. There had been times where I nearly yelled out that Esmee was my sister and I deserved to know but that would have been breaking a trust she had installed in me.
Even though I was sad I had not attempted to hurt my self and as a result for the first time in a very long time I was on the two hourly entry level observations which was OK by me. Most mornings I got up ate then went into the day room curling up on the sofa and letting the silent tears trickle down over the side of my face. Sometimes an odd member of staff tried to comfort me, even Crystal in an odd moment of Compassion had rested her hand on my shoulder and offered to make me a cup of tea but as always I refused and she walked away. Summer and Bella spent most of the morning taking there own kind of shifts sitting with me and letting me know that they know that they thought it sucked too and for the first few days Conner wouldn’t leave my side but the hits come heard and as always they came in pairs and by the end of the first week I learnt that Conner was to be discharged on the Monday and before I new it I was watching him driving off with his mother as Edward tried to hold me upright when all my body wanted to do was collapse in on it’s self. Conner had told me he would wait for me and pressed a piece of paper with a mobile number on it and had asked for mine in return but I could not even find the energy to raise my head or grip my pen to write the numbers so in the end he said it didn’t matter and he would find me but inside me I knew it would be the last time I ever saw him or felt the magic he had brought alive in me.
After Conner left I almost completely lost the ability to sleep. My mind would not shut down and when it did I was plagued by old and new nightmares until I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and the night staff came running. It became so bad that every night I was forced to take a sedative but even the sedative couldn’t keep the bad dreams away completely and more often then not I found my self trapped inside them with out the ability to scream them away.
Inside my head I was making graphic and hideous plans on how to kill my self or self harm and I saw them play out inside my head over and over again as clearly as if I was just watching my self get on with it on the other side of the room but when It came to the act of actually doing it I was always just that little bit to tired. I had made my self sick a few times but it granted me no release any more and neither did anything else. There where times when I was laying there that I nearly screamed from the despair that floated inside of me but at these times I just closed my eyes clenched my fists and counted in my head until the numbers faded into sleep. I had reached into the millions, even the hundred millions each one a seconded that had passed since I had been left again.
I had always known of course that Esmee and Emmet would walk away from me in the end but they had had so many times before and they didn’t and they gave me hope; I began to dream again. Maybe I had become to attached but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I though them every step of the way because I had always known that it would hurt like hell when this day come but there had been nothing or no one that could have prepared me for the darkness I was plunged into
When I wasn’t feeling abandoned there was the other heart ranching fear that took hold of me inside. Esmee had always acted strong but in her eyes I had seen her break so many times before and her skin told a story like mine. What if it had become too much? What if she had fallen into a pit that she could not get out of and what if she was now like me face down on an itchy blue Sofa in a unit somewhere with her tears making a stain on the cushions. What of she needed a sister? What if she needed a friend?
All I knew was I was breathing, in and out in and out my chest rising and falling from the lungs that she had brought back to life and I also knew that I could and would cry forever but she was never coming back.
Mi
“Storm is coming but I don’t mind,
People are dying I close my blinds,
All that I know is I’m breathing now.
I want to change the world, instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more then you and me.
All that I know is I’m breathing
All that I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing, now”
Keep breathing
Ingrid Michaelson
Three weeks past in what seemed like a world I had become detached from. Like somehow I was watching my self float around with the others on the unit but inside I wasn’t really there. Esmee or Emmet had not come back the day I fort with the glass under the bed or the next day, or the next…or the next. For the first few days I was inconsolably sad and brutally angry but the numbing dispersion set in after that turning everything gray. I had asked after them to every member of staff especially Ava and Jean but I always got the same shit shoved back into my face about personal problems. There had been times where I nearly yelled out that Esmee was my sister and I deserved to know but that would have been breaking a trust she had installed in me.
Even though I was sad I had not attempted to hurt my self and as a result for the first time in a very long time I was on the two hourly entry level observations which was OK by me. Most mornings I got up ate then went into the day room curling up on the sofa and letting the silent tears trickle down over the side of my face. Sometimes an odd member of staff tried to comfort me, even Crystal in an odd moment of Compassion had rested her hand on my shoulder and offered to make me a cup of tea but as always I refused and she walked away. Summer and Bella spent most of the morning taking there own kind of shifts sitting with me and letting me know that they know that they thought it sucked too and for the first few days Conner wouldn’t leave my side but the hits come heard and as always they came in pairs and by the end of the first week I learnt that Conner was to be discharged on the Monday and before I new it I was watching him driving off with his mother as Edward tried to hold me upright when all my body wanted to do was collapse in on it’s self. Conner had told me he would wait for me and pressed a piece of paper with a mobile number on it and had asked for mine in return but I could not even find the energy to raise my head or grip my pen to write the numbers so in the end he said it didn’t matter and he would find me but inside me I knew it would be the last time I ever saw him or felt the magic he had brought alive in me.
After Conner left I almost completely lost the ability to sleep. My mind would not shut down and when it did I was plagued by old and new nightmares until I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and the night staff came running. It became so bad that every night I was forced to take a sedative but even the sedative couldn’t keep the bad dreams away completely and more often then not I found my self trapped inside them with out the ability to scream them away.
Inside my head I was making graphic and hideous plans on how to kill my self or self harm and I saw them play out inside my head over and over again as clearly as if I was just watching my self get on with it on the other side of the room but when It came to the act of actually doing it I was always just that little bit to tired. I had made my self sick a few times but it granted me no release any more and neither did anything else. There where times when I was laying there that I nearly screamed from the despair that floated inside of me but at these times I just closed my eyes clenched my fists and counted in my head until the numbers faded into sleep. I had reached into the millions, even the hundred millions each one a seconded that had passed since I had been left again.
I had always known of course that Esmee and Emmet would walk away from me in the end but they had had so many times before and they didn’t and they gave me hope; I began to dream again. Maybe I had become to attached but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I though them every step of the way because I had always known that it would hurt like hell when this day come but there had been nothing or no one that could have prepared me for the darkness I was plunged into
When I wasn’t feeling abandoned there was the other heart ranching fear that took hold of me inside. Esmee had always acted strong but in her eyes I had seen her break so many times before and her skin told a story like mine. What if it had become too much? What if she had fallen into a pit that she could not get out of and what if she was now like me face down on an itchy blue Sofa in a unit somewhere with her tears making a stain on the cushions. What of she needed a sister? What if she needed a friend?
All I knew was I was breathing, in and out in and out my chest rising and falling from the lungs that she had brought back to life and I also knew that I could and would cry forever but she was never coming back.
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
(Esmee) Somewhere a door slams (Mi's side)
Somewhere a door slams
“WHAT!” both Emmet and my self shouted at the same time as I tried to get the words to make a real meaning inside me head.
“Your pregnant, I would say about six weeks.” Leo shouted clapping his hand and jumping up and down on the spot his face awash with tears of joy. He new we had always wanted more the one child and…and… I was pregnant.
“OK I’m going to throw up now.” I moaned the gagging starting somewhere in the back of my throat. I was pregnant.
“Wow, wow, hang on.” Leo shouted stopping jumping before springing into action and grabbing a bowl that was somewhere in the corner on the room before holding it under my chin just in time as the bile exited through my mouth somewhere in between trying to get the words to make sense and my mind to stop whirling as I was now in a sitting up position.
“Well this is good news right!”
I was pregnant… Some where inside my womb a tiny heart fluttered with new life Emmet’s and my life in a tiny little creation and it was nestled within me somewhere and I was keeping it safe, I was keeping it warm what I fed my self passed to it. My blood bringing its blood to life but this happened. A tiny beating heart had pumped inside me five times before at this stage and in the space of a month four of them had stopped leaving me with no words but just the bitter reason that if I had ate more, if I had been better, if I tried heard I would be a mother of five and now six. The odds where against this one.
Defeated from my thumping brain I put my head in my hands and started to cry. The doctor’s words still echoed in my brain like they had all the times before. “You have lost two, three, four babies now Esmee, it looks like your body just isn’t up to carrying a child.” The thing is I wasn’t up for losing any more and what real chance did this one have since I had been restricting food, exercising too much and god knows what else for the last few months. I wanted to scream.
“Are you sure?” I herd Emmet ask softly before getting up and wrapping me in his arms me, my face resting against his chest where my tears left a damp spot against his heart. He was now being strong for me but even through my tears I could see the dread somewhere in the back of his eyes. Another miscarriage would tear everything apart and I knew I was all ready fragile.
“Ok I must say this isn’t really I was the reaction I was expecting, am I just missing the inner whoops of joy?” Leo asked shocked and for a small moment I felt bad. If it held on, if I held on in months I could see it on the surface feel it moving and be able to listen to new life.
“It’s not as simple as that really Leo.” Emmet said gently pressing his lips to the top of my head, “we have lost four before and the specialist didn’t hold out much hope for Esmee to be able to successfully carry a baby.” Emmet said softly like maybe if he was soft it might not hurt me so much but of course it did. Every miscarriage could have been a son or daughter delivered onto my chest.
“I’m sorry Emmet.” I whined turning my face so it was buried into him “I’m going to kill this one too aren’t I?” I wept instinctively my hand cupping over my stomach that I had stood in front of the mirror and insulted just the day before.
“Oh Honey don’t think like that baby, you didn’t kill them sweet heart, it just wasn’t meant to happen for us then and maybe it wont this time either but maybe we will be blessed and she will grow healthy and strong and she will love you as much as I do.” Emmet smiled even though his face didn’t really hold much hope before he slid his hand down and placed it over mine.
“Thank you, but you know as well as I do that I haven’t been treating my self well enough to support a baby, I mean I have actually lost weight. I healthy pregnant mother dose not lose weight,” I moaned mournfully.
“That kind of brings me around to my second thing Esmee. How much have you been eating lately?” Leo asked the hummer in his voice gone which was never a good sign when it come to Leo. “Have you been counting the calories? He asked gently.
“No,” I whispered honestly as I had been putting up and extra effort not to, “I have been cutting back a bit though and exercising more.” The whole point of it was empty now when I had been concerned with control and vanity I might have been killing my unborn child.
“How about purging?” He asked almost sadly kicking a chair over by my side and sitting down taking my spare hand into his. “ Your not ill, ill exactly but still our tests are a bit worrying my love,” he said gently “ Everything is down in your boots, blood sugar, blood count, platelets and your anaemic. They would suggest that you are absolutely exhausted and verging on malnourished and that obviously wont help the baby. Do you think you can start eating a bit better?” He asked reaching up one hand wiping off one tear from the side of my cheek the Emmet hadn’t caught
“I’m sorry ok.” I whispered my heart breaking somewhere inside of me, “I didn’t mean to hurt my baby. If I know I would have eat better, taken folic acid, rested more, like I did with all the rest of them.” I moaned
“Well I’m going to admit you at least over night maybe a bit longer and your going to hate this but I need you to think of that little cub growing inside of you, so I am going to put you on a rescue feed drip for 24 to 48 hours. It will give everything a boost and it will make you feel better and give baby a better chance. It will also help you to get some rest which if your working like you normally do you could really do with, OK?”
“Of course, I said my insides someplace cold as I tried to get the thoughts of my body restrained to the bed as I screamed against the calories that where being forced into me through a drip, it was heard to thing that so many years later the same drip that I hated would be the very thing to try and keep my baby alive.
“I will request a side room and Emmet will have opening visit times as I know this will be very trying for you but it really is the best.” Leo said softly before picking up my wrists strapping on two ID bands. I swore at the same time I heard a heavy door slamming closed and an infant crying.
“WHAT!” both Emmet and my self shouted at the same time as I tried to get the words to make a real meaning inside me head.
“Your pregnant, I would say about six weeks.” Leo shouted clapping his hand and jumping up and down on the spot his face awash with tears of joy. He new we had always wanted more the one child and…and… I was pregnant.
“OK I’m going to throw up now.” I moaned the gagging starting somewhere in the back of my throat. I was pregnant.
“Wow, wow, hang on.” Leo shouted stopping jumping before springing into action and grabbing a bowl that was somewhere in the corner on the room before holding it under my chin just in time as the bile exited through my mouth somewhere in between trying to get the words to make sense and my mind to stop whirling as I was now in a sitting up position.
“Well this is good news right!”
I was pregnant… Some where inside my womb a tiny heart fluttered with new life Emmet’s and my life in a tiny little creation and it was nestled within me somewhere and I was keeping it safe, I was keeping it warm what I fed my self passed to it. My blood bringing its blood to life but this happened. A tiny beating heart had pumped inside me five times before at this stage and in the space of a month four of them had stopped leaving me with no words but just the bitter reason that if I had ate more, if I had been better, if I tried heard I would be a mother of five and now six. The odds where against this one.
Defeated from my thumping brain I put my head in my hands and started to cry. The doctor’s words still echoed in my brain like they had all the times before. “You have lost two, three, four babies now Esmee, it looks like your body just isn’t up to carrying a child.” The thing is I wasn’t up for losing any more and what real chance did this one have since I had been restricting food, exercising too much and god knows what else for the last few months. I wanted to scream.
“Are you sure?” I herd Emmet ask softly before getting up and wrapping me in his arms me, my face resting against his chest where my tears left a damp spot against his heart. He was now being strong for me but even through my tears I could see the dread somewhere in the back of his eyes. Another miscarriage would tear everything apart and I knew I was all ready fragile.
“Ok I must say this isn’t really I was the reaction I was expecting, am I just missing the inner whoops of joy?” Leo asked shocked and for a small moment I felt bad. If it held on, if I held on in months I could see it on the surface feel it moving and be able to listen to new life.
“It’s not as simple as that really Leo.” Emmet said gently pressing his lips to the top of my head, “we have lost four before and the specialist didn’t hold out much hope for Esmee to be able to successfully carry a baby.” Emmet said softly like maybe if he was soft it might not hurt me so much but of course it did. Every miscarriage could have been a son or daughter delivered onto my chest.
“I’m sorry Emmet.” I whined turning my face so it was buried into him “I’m going to kill this one too aren’t I?” I wept instinctively my hand cupping over my stomach that I had stood in front of the mirror and insulted just the day before.
“Oh Honey don’t think like that baby, you didn’t kill them sweet heart, it just wasn’t meant to happen for us then and maybe it wont this time either but maybe we will be blessed and she will grow healthy and strong and she will love you as much as I do.” Emmet smiled even though his face didn’t really hold much hope before he slid his hand down and placed it over mine.
“Thank you, but you know as well as I do that I haven’t been treating my self well enough to support a baby, I mean I have actually lost weight. I healthy pregnant mother dose not lose weight,” I moaned mournfully.
“That kind of brings me around to my second thing Esmee. How much have you been eating lately?” Leo asked the hummer in his voice gone which was never a good sign when it come to Leo. “Have you been counting the calories? He asked gently.
“No,” I whispered honestly as I had been putting up and extra effort not to, “I have been cutting back a bit though and exercising more.” The whole point of it was empty now when I had been concerned with control and vanity I might have been killing my unborn child.
“How about purging?” He asked almost sadly kicking a chair over by my side and sitting down taking my spare hand into his. “ Your not ill, ill exactly but still our tests are a bit worrying my love,” he said gently “ Everything is down in your boots, blood sugar, blood count, platelets and your anaemic. They would suggest that you are absolutely exhausted and verging on malnourished and that obviously wont help the baby. Do you think you can start eating a bit better?” He asked reaching up one hand wiping off one tear from the side of my cheek the Emmet hadn’t caught
“I’m sorry ok.” I whispered my heart breaking somewhere inside of me, “I didn’t mean to hurt my baby. If I know I would have eat better, taken folic acid, rested more, like I did with all the rest of them.” I moaned
“Well I’m going to admit you at least over night maybe a bit longer and your going to hate this but I need you to think of that little cub growing inside of you, so I am going to put you on a rescue feed drip for 24 to 48 hours. It will give everything a boost and it will make you feel better and give baby a better chance. It will also help you to get some rest which if your working like you normally do you could really do with, OK?”
“Of course, I said my insides someplace cold as I tried to get the thoughts of my body restrained to the bed as I screamed against the calories that where being forced into me through a drip, it was heard to thing that so many years later the same drip that I hated would be the very thing to try and keep my baby alive.
“I will request a side room and Emmet will have opening visit times as I know this will be very trying for you but it really is the best.” Leo said softly before picking up my wrists strapping on two ID bands. I swore at the same time I heard a heavy door slamming closed and an infant crying.
Monday, 7 November 2011
(Esmee) results (mi's side)
OK hello! anyone there? I think you have all gone away and left me :-( well if you havent exciting chapter!!!! :-)
Results
A&E was busy so it was further three hours before any of the results from my tests where ready however somehow between patients, writing notes and responding to crash calls in resus he managed to keep popping back in to see if we where OK and to apologize about the waiting around.
Leo was an amazing man and had been Emmet’s best friend ever since school, so naturally he became mine too. He was worked off of his feet normally having only been qualified for a few years but in amongst all the mayhem he still found time to come around and see us and spoil Mia. He was always there in an emergency, always willing to baby sit if he could fit it in around work and always understanding of any issues that I may have had over the years. He had been Emmet’s best man at our wedding and made an excellent god parent to Mia, not to mention stand in god parent to any fist child that floated through her house.
“I have news!” Leo shouted as he busted in around the curtain before jumping up and down on the spot barely containing the excitement that was all over his face.
“Well I am glad my sudden illness makes you so happy.” I said sleepily from my bed
“Your not sick!” He shouted again before bounding over and kissing me on the side of my face his eyes welling up with tears as he regarded me and Emmet.
“Leo,” I growled, “what the hell is going on?”
“The bears are expecting a cub!”
Results
A&E was busy so it was further three hours before any of the results from my tests where ready however somehow between patients, writing notes and responding to crash calls in resus he managed to keep popping back in to see if we where OK and to apologize about the waiting around.
Leo was an amazing man and had been Emmet’s best friend ever since school, so naturally he became mine too. He was worked off of his feet normally having only been qualified for a few years but in amongst all the mayhem he still found time to come around and see us and spoil Mia. He was always there in an emergency, always willing to baby sit if he could fit it in around work and always understanding of any issues that I may have had over the years. He had been Emmet’s best man at our wedding and made an excellent god parent to Mia, not to mention stand in god parent to any fist child that floated through her house.
“I have news!” Leo shouted as he busted in around the curtain before jumping up and down on the spot barely containing the excitement that was all over his face.
“Well I am glad my sudden illness makes you so happy.” I said sleepily from my bed
“Your not sick!” He shouted again before bounding over and kissing me on the side of my face his eyes welling up with tears as he regarded me and Emmet.
“Leo,” I growled, “what the hell is going on?”
“The bears are expecting a cub!”
Sunday, 6 November 2011
(Esmee) find my way back to you, My man on the front line and thrown a rope (Mi's side)
I am not sure about triggers but i could imagine that there could be and even if ther isn't i think it could in it's self be classed as upsetting, but there again i am sensative right now as i am not doing so well, so just a warning, love vikki
Find my way back to you
A few moments later the nurse who had took my hand over notes pulled back the curtains to the compartment I was in with a swoosh before stepping inside in side of course in her eyes making the cubical sound proof.
“Hello my love,” the nurse said in a voice that once again was far louder then needed for someone right beside of her though saying that she had to shout over the doctor that was two compartments down who was trying to explain to a stone deaf Margret that she had broke her hip.
“I’m going to have to ask you to get changed into a gown for me if that’s OK, I have to do an ECG and things, I can see you are in a bit of a state though so maybe you would like to clean your self up a bit before I do all of this.” In short this was polite for her saying Esmee you absolutely wreak and if I touch you like you are now I may have to wear a peg on my nose.
“How are you feeling any way? Any more light headedness?”
“No I’m Ok when I’m lying down its vertical I have a problem with.” I smiled gripping my fingers tighter around Emmet’s hand just to make sure he had no ideas of letting me go.
“All right my love, I will go and get you some soap and water and things then I will come back and give you a hand to get cleaned up if you want one, then I can do your ECG and things and by that time the doctor should be ready to see you.” The nurse smiled again sweetly swinging the curtains open as she left letting the active world of an A&E majors department into great me.
I had no idea how Emmet had pulled off so many years of working in this place everything was always so busy and there was no time to sit and work out what the next step of action was, it was all machines chest compressions and tea making with a fair amount of shouting thrown in for good measure yet he said he loved it while he was here just not as much as apple gate house and that wasn’t to mention the pay for an A&E nurse was even more abysmal then are wages.
“Will you help me out rather then her?” I asked Emmet as I tried to drag my eyes away from the whole other world that seemed to play out at the bottom of my bed, “I mean I usually am fine with washing my self and all but I have this whole vertical issue right now.”
“Esmee, you have always had a vertical issue.” Emmet smiled his face now somewhat recovering from the pain lines that had been there only a few moments ago. Even though it was not back to it’s normal self completely it was now resembling my Emmet’s face more and more and not the monster I had put there in his place and more then ever before I tried to burn the image of it into the back of my mind in case it ever went away again.
“You’re intolerable,” I joked smiling up at him. “You know what I meant.”
“It won’t be the first time I have washed and dressed you and I am sure it won’t be the last; I think I can manage.” Emmet smiled leaning forward to kiss me on the fore head.
“Ewww Emmet I covered in vomit; you don’t want to kiss me.”
“I don’t care, it feels like its been years since I kissed you last, and to think I may have never felt this again.” Emmet said his voice pained as an involuntary shiver went up his spine.
“Don’t; your just torturing you self. I promise I will never do that again. I will never argue with you or treat you wrong.”
“Don’t be a plank Esmee of course we will argue, probably several million time before are life’s are at a close but all that matters is at the end of them I will always find my way back to you.”
My man on the front line
About five minutes later the same nurse rolled a bowl of soapy water and towels into my cubical on a table with weals and put a hospital gown on the edge of my bed before leaving Emmet and my self to get me into a more suitable state.
Very gently Emmet propped the head of bed up and my head span slightly as I tried to get accustomed to sitting up again.
“Are you feeling faint again?” Emmet asked gently leaning my head down a bit more though I still wasn’t flat.
“Don’t worry about it, it will pass, soon, I’m probably coming down with a virus or something, I’m fine.”
“Yeah well they will be able to tell us that wont they.” Emmet said gently pulling my top up over my head before trying with out much success to undo my bra.
“You know you bloody hopeless,” I said putting one had behind my back and unclipping the fasten on my bra before pulling it off of my shoulders and passing it to Emmet to put on my pile of cloths before shivering as I caught sight of my naked body lying on the bed. I had never been a huge fan of my body, well Julie had first drawn my attention to it when I was about 10 and from then on I had never been comfortable sitting in my own skin. On the face of it in all honestly it really wasn’t that much different from someone else’s. In fact the shape might have been something people longed after. I was not fat even though sometimes I felt fat and no longer was I the five stone Sterlington that I had become. My tummy was flat-ish and my hips where not particularly wide and after I gave birth to Mi I had been blessed to have c breasts which where surprisingly big for a diminutive women like my self but something about it repulsed me. The shape the feel, the scars and right there I felt disgusted and worthless.
“I kind of feel hideous right now.” I admitted gently to Emmet, covering up my scared breast with my even more badly scared arms before looking away from Emmet as unexpected tears found my eyes. A man like Emmet deserved a sun kissed goddess of beauty and I at best was broken. “I’m so flawed.” I moaned swallowing heard against the lump of tears in my throat
“You’re beautiful.” Emmet said firmly but in a kind tone as he removed my arms from over my breast and looked at my naked top half for a while which almost made me feel nauseous. I new that he saw a woman he desired but I felt awful and his eyes burned as he scanned the contours of my body.
“I know you don’t feel that right now but I wish there was a way you could see you’re self though my eyes and then you would know that I’m not just making that up.” Emmet said in an almost whisper as he gently started to sponge the vomit off of my face neck and chest while his soft fingertips traced over the long raised white raised scars that criss-crossed over every patch of skin the worse ones being on my breast.
Emmet had always hated the scars on my breasts the most and when I was younger and still cut there theses where also the ones he had the most trouble excepting as he tried to wash them off and path me up. I had asked him why once and he said he wasn’t sure exactly but he felt like it was something to do with bar the vagina in was one of the most delicate and sensitive parts of the woman’s anatomy and it must of hurt like hell every time I ripped them apart. All my self harm hurt him but this seemed to effect him the worse and I remember the one time he had found out I had crossed that line even more and cut my vagina I heard him sobbing in the bathroom after he had dealt with it and that was the last time I ever abused that part of my body.
“I don’t think your flawed either,” Emmet said again gently after a few moments of what looked like deep thinking. “I think you’re hurt, but definitely not flawed, that would imply you are less then perfect and you’re perfect to me.” He confirmed.
“I can’t see that, please don’t get mad at me but I just can’t see it when I look at my self and now I just feel stupid, completely embarrassed and ugly.” I moaned as Emmet took of my Jeans and underwear before starting to sponge down my legs with the warm soapy water, his fingers once again brushing over the newer red scars on the top of my thighs.
“Why would I get mad at you, I know you cant see it and I think right now, you are struggling with your eating disorder and you have been for a while even though you have only just realized it your self.” Emmet said once again very softly as he finished with my legs and helped put my arms into the sleeves of the hospital gown, lying my bed down again once he had finished.
“If I really have got an eating disorder again Emmet, a war is coming. Can you really do that again?” I asked for my own reassurance, if he didn’t think he could do it I knew I wouldn’t have been able too.
“For you I would stand on the front line a million times.” Emmet soothed wiping the tears off of my cheeks with his thumb before pressing his lips against mine; giving me the reassurance that I so needed then. That any fights I would face would not be fort alone.
Thrown a rope
“Well if it isn’t the Bears!” A doctor by the name of Leo said after he had closed the curtains behind him and opened his arms to receive a hug by Emmet before he come over and kissed me on the cheek.
“Well if it isn’t Emmet’s worst man.” I laughed pecking Leo back on the cheek before he grabbed one of the chairs in the room and straddled it backwards glancing over the monitor that I had been strapped up to with many leads that all got tangled around me.
“So how are we both, it must have been what five days since I saw you both last, I tell you, it’s a travesty I must see my god daughter at least every day or I suffer cute withdraw you know! So any way why do we have your lovely wife wired up to the national grid right now Emmet?” Leo laughed picking him self off of the chair to press some of the buttons on the monitor that made the blood pressure cuff blow up again.
“Umm the lovely wife is lying here you know Leo, you could always just ask me.” I suggested.
“Well go on then tell me all about it. What can my mad doctoring skills help you with today?” Leo laughed.
“I fainted a few times when I was out and Emmet panicked. other then that I have a few grazes on my knees and a cut on my arm that could probably do with a few steri- strips but that aside, I am all good so can I go home now?” I asked smiling.
“I would like to see you walk out of here.” Leo said after checking the results of my blood pressure “I reckon you would be flat on the floor before you even got out of the cubical.” He said again before tilting the bed so my legs where hoisted up into the air.
“Well this is dignified, what with my being in a gown and all!” I moaned trying to arange a blanket so it sat over my legs.
“Ah I have always wanted to get your legs in the air,” Leo winked.
“Ohy! What have I said about shamelessly flirting with my wife?” Emmet joked slapping him in the back. “If it wasn’t for that fact you had a boyfriend at home I would have to deck you, you know that right… How is Lenny by the way?”
“Lens good.” Leo responded before taking a seat next to me again and pulling my right arm over to him which had the burns on them examining each one with interest and before I new it I begin to feel my new found calmness escalate back into despair making the heart monitor I was on moan in annoyance to my new bounding heart rate and my breath come quicker in my throat as I stared panic stricken into Leos face like a bunny would into headlights.
“Hay, calm it down Esmee, it’s me your dealing with here, and it’s going to be OK.” Leo said gently placing his hand on the top of my arm his whole personality switching to concerned in the space of moments and here in this change was classic of what self harm did, changed everything for the worse; in the space of seconds it could have your would tumbling down around you.
“So what are these burns from then?” Leo asked even though he, like every one else new and for a moment I hated him because it felt like he was mocking me. He was meant to be our friend, why was he making it worse?
“Leo, you know…” I started to say but he grabbed hold of the top of my arm again and gave me a small wink out the corner of his eye before asking what the burns where from again and at that moment I realised he was not mocking; he was throwing me a rope.
“I was frying eggs,” I said quickly with out even hesitating, “and well you know what they are like, they spat at me and I got burnt.” I smiled before mouthing thank you at him and giving his hand a squeeze.
“Well I think they are fine and wont need any further treatment OK, just keep them clean, and Emmet,” Leo said turning his attention away from me to Emmet, “when you see that frying pan again, give it a kick up the ass for me.”
Find my way back to you
A few moments later the nurse who had took my hand over notes pulled back the curtains to the compartment I was in with a swoosh before stepping inside in side of course in her eyes making the cubical sound proof.
“Hello my love,” the nurse said in a voice that once again was far louder then needed for someone right beside of her though saying that she had to shout over the doctor that was two compartments down who was trying to explain to a stone deaf Margret that she had broke her hip.
“I’m going to have to ask you to get changed into a gown for me if that’s OK, I have to do an ECG and things, I can see you are in a bit of a state though so maybe you would like to clean your self up a bit before I do all of this.” In short this was polite for her saying Esmee you absolutely wreak and if I touch you like you are now I may have to wear a peg on my nose.
“How are you feeling any way? Any more light headedness?”
“No I’m Ok when I’m lying down its vertical I have a problem with.” I smiled gripping my fingers tighter around Emmet’s hand just to make sure he had no ideas of letting me go.
“All right my love, I will go and get you some soap and water and things then I will come back and give you a hand to get cleaned up if you want one, then I can do your ECG and things and by that time the doctor should be ready to see you.” The nurse smiled again sweetly swinging the curtains open as she left letting the active world of an A&E majors department into great me.
I had no idea how Emmet had pulled off so many years of working in this place everything was always so busy and there was no time to sit and work out what the next step of action was, it was all machines chest compressions and tea making with a fair amount of shouting thrown in for good measure yet he said he loved it while he was here just not as much as apple gate house and that wasn’t to mention the pay for an A&E nurse was even more abysmal then are wages.
“Will you help me out rather then her?” I asked Emmet as I tried to drag my eyes away from the whole other world that seemed to play out at the bottom of my bed, “I mean I usually am fine with washing my self and all but I have this whole vertical issue right now.”
“Esmee, you have always had a vertical issue.” Emmet smiled his face now somewhat recovering from the pain lines that had been there only a few moments ago. Even though it was not back to it’s normal self completely it was now resembling my Emmet’s face more and more and not the monster I had put there in his place and more then ever before I tried to burn the image of it into the back of my mind in case it ever went away again.
“You’re intolerable,” I joked smiling up at him. “You know what I meant.”
“It won’t be the first time I have washed and dressed you and I am sure it won’t be the last; I think I can manage.” Emmet smiled leaning forward to kiss me on the fore head.
“Ewww Emmet I covered in vomit; you don’t want to kiss me.”
“I don’t care, it feels like its been years since I kissed you last, and to think I may have never felt this again.” Emmet said his voice pained as an involuntary shiver went up his spine.
“Don’t; your just torturing you self. I promise I will never do that again. I will never argue with you or treat you wrong.”
“Don’t be a plank Esmee of course we will argue, probably several million time before are life’s are at a close but all that matters is at the end of them I will always find my way back to you.”
My man on the front line
About five minutes later the same nurse rolled a bowl of soapy water and towels into my cubical on a table with weals and put a hospital gown on the edge of my bed before leaving Emmet and my self to get me into a more suitable state.
Very gently Emmet propped the head of bed up and my head span slightly as I tried to get accustomed to sitting up again.
“Are you feeling faint again?” Emmet asked gently leaning my head down a bit more though I still wasn’t flat.
“Don’t worry about it, it will pass, soon, I’m probably coming down with a virus or something, I’m fine.”
“Yeah well they will be able to tell us that wont they.” Emmet said gently pulling my top up over my head before trying with out much success to undo my bra.
“You know you bloody hopeless,” I said putting one had behind my back and unclipping the fasten on my bra before pulling it off of my shoulders and passing it to Emmet to put on my pile of cloths before shivering as I caught sight of my naked body lying on the bed. I had never been a huge fan of my body, well Julie had first drawn my attention to it when I was about 10 and from then on I had never been comfortable sitting in my own skin. On the face of it in all honestly it really wasn’t that much different from someone else’s. In fact the shape might have been something people longed after. I was not fat even though sometimes I felt fat and no longer was I the five stone Sterlington that I had become. My tummy was flat-ish and my hips where not particularly wide and after I gave birth to Mi I had been blessed to have c breasts which where surprisingly big for a diminutive women like my self but something about it repulsed me. The shape the feel, the scars and right there I felt disgusted and worthless.
“I kind of feel hideous right now.” I admitted gently to Emmet, covering up my scared breast with my even more badly scared arms before looking away from Emmet as unexpected tears found my eyes. A man like Emmet deserved a sun kissed goddess of beauty and I at best was broken. “I’m so flawed.” I moaned swallowing heard against the lump of tears in my throat
“You’re beautiful.” Emmet said firmly but in a kind tone as he removed my arms from over my breast and looked at my naked top half for a while which almost made me feel nauseous. I new that he saw a woman he desired but I felt awful and his eyes burned as he scanned the contours of my body.
“I know you don’t feel that right now but I wish there was a way you could see you’re self though my eyes and then you would know that I’m not just making that up.” Emmet said in an almost whisper as he gently started to sponge the vomit off of my face neck and chest while his soft fingertips traced over the long raised white raised scars that criss-crossed over every patch of skin the worse ones being on my breast.
Emmet had always hated the scars on my breasts the most and when I was younger and still cut there theses where also the ones he had the most trouble excepting as he tried to wash them off and path me up. I had asked him why once and he said he wasn’t sure exactly but he felt like it was something to do with bar the vagina in was one of the most delicate and sensitive parts of the woman’s anatomy and it must of hurt like hell every time I ripped them apart. All my self harm hurt him but this seemed to effect him the worse and I remember the one time he had found out I had crossed that line even more and cut my vagina I heard him sobbing in the bathroom after he had dealt with it and that was the last time I ever abused that part of my body.
“I don’t think your flawed either,” Emmet said again gently after a few moments of what looked like deep thinking. “I think you’re hurt, but definitely not flawed, that would imply you are less then perfect and you’re perfect to me.” He confirmed.
“I can’t see that, please don’t get mad at me but I just can’t see it when I look at my self and now I just feel stupid, completely embarrassed and ugly.” I moaned as Emmet took of my Jeans and underwear before starting to sponge down my legs with the warm soapy water, his fingers once again brushing over the newer red scars on the top of my thighs.
“Why would I get mad at you, I know you cant see it and I think right now, you are struggling with your eating disorder and you have been for a while even though you have only just realized it your self.” Emmet said once again very softly as he finished with my legs and helped put my arms into the sleeves of the hospital gown, lying my bed down again once he had finished.
“If I really have got an eating disorder again Emmet, a war is coming. Can you really do that again?” I asked for my own reassurance, if he didn’t think he could do it I knew I wouldn’t have been able too.
“For you I would stand on the front line a million times.” Emmet soothed wiping the tears off of my cheeks with his thumb before pressing his lips against mine; giving me the reassurance that I so needed then. That any fights I would face would not be fort alone.
Thrown a rope
“Well if it isn’t the Bears!” A doctor by the name of Leo said after he had closed the curtains behind him and opened his arms to receive a hug by Emmet before he come over and kissed me on the cheek.
“Well if it isn’t Emmet’s worst man.” I laughed pecking Leo back on the cheek before he grabbed one of the chairs in the room and straddled it backwards glancing over the monitor that I had been strapped up to with many leads that all got tangled around me.
“So how are we both, it must have been what five days since I saw you both last, I tell you, it’s a travesty I must see my god daughter at least every day or I suffer cute withdraw you know! So any way why do we have your lovely wife wired up to the national grid right now Emmet?” Leo laughed picking him self off of the chair to press some of the buttons on the monitor that made the blood pressure cuff blow up again.
“Umm the lovely wife is lying here you know Leo, you could always just ask me.” I suggested.
“Well go on then tell me all about it. What can my mad doctoring skills help you with today?” Leo laughed.
“I fainted a few times when I was out and Emmet panicked. other then that I have a few grazes on my knees and a cut on my arm that could probably do with a few steri- strips but that aside, I am all good so can I go home now?” I asked smiling.
“I would like to see you walk out of here.” Leo said after checking the results of my blood pressure “I reckon you would be flat on the floor before you even got out of the cubical.” He said again before tilting the bed so my legs where hoisted up into the air.
“Well this is dignified, what with my being in a gown and all!” I moaned trying to arange a blanket so it sat over my legs.
“Ah I have always wanted to get your legs in the air,” Leo winked.
“Ohy! What have I said about shamelessly flirting with my wife?” Emmet joked slapping him in the back. “If it wasn’t for that fact you had a boyfriend at home I would have to deck you, you know that right… How is Lenny by the way?”
“Lens good.” Leo responded before taking a seat next to me again and pulling my right arm over to him which had the burns on them examining each one with interest and before I new it I begin to feel my new found calmness escalate back into despair making the heart monitor I was on moan in annoyance to my new bounding heart rate and my breath come quicker in my throat as I stared panic stricken into Leos face like a bunny would into headlights.
“Hay, calm it down Esmee, it’s me your dealing with here, and it’s going to be OK.” Leo said gently placing his hand on the top of my arm his whole personality switching to concerned in the space of moments and here in this change was classic of what self harm did, changed everything for the worse; in the space of seconds it could have your would tumbling down around you.
“So what are these burns from then?” Leo asked even though he, like every one else new and for a moment I hated him because it felt like he was mocking me. He was meant to be our friend, why was he making it worse?
“Leo, you know…” I started to say but he grabbed hold of the top of my arm again and gave me a small wink out the corner of his eye before asking what the burns where from again and at that moment I realised he was not mocking; he was throwing me a rope.
“I was frying eggs,” I said quickly with out even hesitating, “and well you know what they are like, they spat at me and I got burnt.” I smiled before mouthing thank you at him and giving his hand a squeeze.
“Well I think they are fine and wont need any further treatment OK, just keep them clean, and Emmet,” Leo said turning his attention away from me to Emmet, “when you see that frying pan again, give it a kick up the ass for me.”
(Esmee) starting to see (Mi's side)
Starting to see
“Emmet, I still love you,” I moaned softly though my tears as Emmet settled him self on the chair next to my bed but refused to look at me, “Emmet talk to me at least!” I pleaded as once again my pledge of love for him went unnoticed.
“What can I say Esmee, tell me what the hell you want me to say?” Emmet said turning his face towards me that was now once again covered in tears. “You don’t love me, you just found a note, and now you feel like you have to stay.” Emmet crocked, “and I much rather turn you down here and now Esmee then have you stay with me because you feel you have too.”
“Don’t be stupid, I let you go Emmet because I thought I was doing you a favour, I thought that with out me holding you back and bringing you down you would have a beautiful and amazing life. There is no reason on this earth for you to chose to love me, you could take the pick of all women and they would all fall down to there knees and worship you so why the hell did you chose scared, stupid and completely insane me?” I yelped somewhere in between tears hyperventilation and shouting. I understood that I hurt him but why couldn’t he see that uttering all the shit about not loving him had broke me apart inside too.
“Emmet I will do whatever it takes to make you see I am telling the truth here and to make you love me again, I know I had done you wrong and I have let you down but I am so sorry. I will change, I will get better for you Emmet, it will be like I am a whole different person.” I stuttered the tears that streamed down over my face leaving a damp patch on my pillow. “I can be whoever you want me to be,” I whispered.
“You still don‘t get it though,” Emmet whined his voice strained but faint as he tried to keep it even over his own sorrow that had etched it’s self onto its face making him look old way beyond his years as he tried to blink away all his own tears. “I don’t what you to change. I want you healthy and happy but I don’t want you to hide away from me when you are sick. I love every one of those scars because they are apart of you and guess what there is even a part of me that loves Amy as well as she is also a part of you. I don’t want any other women other then exactly what you are, and I don’t want any one to worship me. When I could spend my life worshiping you.” Emmet said his voice wobbling from the passion that came with his tears and his love for me that I was slowly beginning to see was real, for in the reflection of his tears I saw my own and we both wept for the love we might have lost.
“I am not something to be worshiped Emmet, but I can see you love me and maybe I will never understand that but I will try if you come back to me. I will try and except that for some reason I am the luckiest woman alive to be love by a man like you.” I crocked trying to maintain my voice above my crushing sadness.
“But you sounded so sure that you didn’t love me any more Esmee even when I was begging you, you looked away and then throw your rings out of the window like the day I put them there didn’t matter to you any more. It seemed so simple for you to throw away my love,” Emmet moaned.
“You through yours first, I had to do it to show that I was willing to let you go even though inside my heart braking apart.”
“But I didn’t throw mine.” Emmet said gently his teary jade eyes burning though me as he put his hand into his pocket and pulled out the gold wedding band that I though he had thrown away forever.
“Maybe you should look closer at my hand.” I said gently my bitter tears turning to happy one as Emmet caught sight of my Eternity, wedding and engagement rings still staked neatly upon my finger and he come over and placed his hand In mine before wiping his tears away with the back of his spare hand and whispering the words it felt like I had been waiting forever to here,
“I love you too.”
“Emmet, I still love you,” I moaned softly though my tears as Emmet settled him self on the chair next to my bed but refused to look at me, “Emmet talk to me at least!” I pleaded as once again my pledge of love for him went unnoticed.
“What can I say Esmee, tell me what the hell you want me to say?” Emmet said turning his face towards me that was now once again covered in tears. “You don’t love me, you just found a note, and now you feel like you have to stay.” Emmet crocked, “and I much rather turn you down here and now Esmee then have you stay with me because you feel you have too.”
“Don’t be stupid, I let you go Emmet because I thought I was doing you a favour, I thought that with out me holding you back and bringing you down you would have a beautiful and amazing life. There is no reason on this earth for you to chose to love me, you could take the pick of all women and they would all fall down to there knees and worship you so why the hell did you chose scared, stupid and completely insane me?” I yelped somewhere in between tears hyperventilation and shouting. I understood that I hurt him but why couldn’t he see that uttering all the shit about not loving him had broke me apart inside too.
“Emmet I will do whatever it takes to make you see I am telling the truth here and to make you love me again, I know I had done you wrong and I have let you down but I am so sorry. I will change, I will get better for you Emmet, it will be like I am a whole different person.” I stuttered the tears that streamed down over my face leaving a damp patch on my pillow. “I can be whoever you want me to be,” I whispered.
“You still don‘t get it though,” Emmet whined his voice strained but faint as he tried to keep it even over his own sorrow that had etched it’s self onto its face making him look old way beyond his years as he tried to blink away all his own tears. “I don’t what you to change. I want you healthy and happy but I don’t want you to hide away from me when you are sick. I love every one of those scars because they are apart of you and guess what there is even a part of me that loves Amy as well as she is also a part of you. I don’t want any other women other then exactly what you are, and I don’t want any one to worship me. When I could spend my life worshiping you.” Emmet said his voice wobbling from the passion that came with his tears and his love for me that I was slowly beginning to see was real, for in the reflection of his tears I saw my own and we both wept for the love we might have lost.
“I am not something to be worshiped Emmet, but I can see you love me and maybe I will never understand that but I will try if you come back to me. I will try and except that for some reason I am the luckiest woman alive to be love by a man like you.” I crocked trying to maintain my voice above my crushing sadness.
“But you sounded so sure that you didn’t love me any more Esmee even when I was begging you, you looked away and then throw your rings out of the window like the day I put them there didn’t matter to you any more. It seemed so simple for you to throw away my love,” Emmet moaned.
“You through yours first, I had to do it to show that I was willing to let you go even though inside my heart braking apart.”
“But I didn’t throw mine.” Emmet said gently his teary jade eyes burning though me as he put his hand into his pocket and pulled out the gold wedding band that I though he had thrown away forever.
“Maybe you should look closer at my hand.” I said gently my bitter tears turning to happy one as Emmet caught sight of my Eternity, wedding and engagement rings still staked neatly upon my finger and he come over and placed his hand In mine before wiping his tears away with the back of his spare hand and whispering the words it felt like I had been waiting forever to here,
“I love you too.”
Saturday, 5 November 2011
(esmee) Nothing Is fine (Mis side)
Nothing Is fine
“This is not self harm.” I said turning on my award winning smile as I searched my head for a suitable excuse of the marks on my arms. Of course all of them would be would be far fetched nothing left perfect circular burns like the ones on my fore arm but I would fight them any way, they could not take me back into hell with out a fight.
“I was cooking eggs and you know how they spit, well they caught me awkward, Emmet can vouch for me, he was there.” I had no idea what his reaction was going to be but I had to have trust in him somewhere, before all this he loved me, before I opened my mouth he would of lied for me and maybe he would just one more time.
“I saw her do it, she’s right.” Emmet said forcing a smile for the paramedic before looking away from me again; it seemed extended eye contact hurt him to mush.
“Well I still want to take you in OK make sure there is no underlying reason for why you had the faint, and you blood pressure is still quite a bit lower then I would like it to be If I was going to leave you here.” The paramedic said looking like Emmet and my self may have been planning world domination behind his back. He had not believed my excuse about the burns and why should he have? I would have to of had super powers to make any one believe this one.
“I will go to the hospital, I don’t want to but if you think it is best of course I will,” I smiled again trying to find the despair that was somewhere inside of me, inside I knew there was little hope of me coming through this one with anything that mattered still intact, I was going to lose my husband possibly my job and my foster sun in the space of a few hours; suddenly the world span again and I could feel the blackness try and tug me under as the nausea rose in my through making me swallow heard.
“Are you feeling Ok my love, you don’t look so well any more.” The paramedic asked the form of his face floating somewhere in front of my eyes. I tried to focus on him but I could hardly stop my eyes from rolling in the back of my head.
“Esmee Honey!” The paramedic shouted shaking my shoulders heard as I began to feel my body falling again, “Esmee I’m going to lie you down OK and prop your legs up see if we can make you feel a bit better.” The paramedic yelled as he helped me down to a lying position and the other paramedic held my legs up and immediately I started to feel a bit better. My blood pressure must have been shot.
“It’s all right Esmee, everything will be fine.” The paramedic said gently as he put the oxygen back over my face again but of course that was where he was wrong; nothing was fine.
“This is not self harm.” I said turning on my award winning smile as I searched my head for a suitable excuse of the marks on my arms. Of course all of them would be would be far fetched nothing left perfect circular burns like the ones on my fore arm but I would fight them any way, they could not take me back into hell with out a fight.
“I was cooking eggs and you know how they spit, well they caught me awkward, Emmet can vouch for me, he was there.” I had no idea what his reaction was going to be but I had to have trust in him somewhere, before all this he loved me, before I opened my mouth he would of lied for me and maybe he would just one more time.
“I saw her do it, she’s right.” Emmet said forcing a smile for the paramedic before looking away from me again; it seemed extended eye contact hurt him to mush.
“Well I still want to take you in OK make sure there is no underlying reason for why you had the faint, and you blood pressure is still quite a bit lower then I would like it to be If I was going to leave you here.” The paramedic said looking like Emmet and my self may have been planning world domination behind his back. He had not believed my excuse about the burns and why should he have? I would have to of had super powers to make any one believe this one.
“I will go to the hospital, I don’t want to but if you think it is best of course I will,” I smiled again trying to find the despair that was somewhere inside of me, inside I knew there was little hope of me coming through this one with anything that mattered still intact, I was going to lose my husband possibly my job and my foster sun in the space of a few hours; suddenly the world span again and I could feel the blackness try and tug me under as the nausea rose in my through making me swallow heard.
“Are you feeling Ok my love, you don’t look so well any more.” The paramedic asked the form of his face floating somewhere in front of my eyes. I tried to focus on him but I could hardly stop my eyes from rolling in the back of my head.
“Esmee Honey!” The paramedic shouted shaking my shoulders heard as I began to feel my body falling again, “Esmee I’m going to lie you down OK and prop your legs up see if we can make you feel a bit better.” The paramedic yelled as he helped me down to a lying position and the other paramedic held my legs up and immediately I started to feel a bit better. My blood pressure must have been shot.
“It’s all right Esmee, everything will be fine.” The paramedic said gently as he put the oxygen back over my face again but of course that was where he was wrong; nothing was fine.
Friday, 4 November 2011
from her past (Emmet's side)
From her past
“If that is the case you will have to think of a way to make it right.” Esmee smiled slapping me gently on the leg and getting to her feet as the clock on the wall caught her attention.
“Do you think they are any closer to perfecting the time machine yet?” I groaned trying to wipe the tears out of my clogged up eyes before she caught sight of them. My tears hurt her the same as her’s hurt me and I had no business hurting her, even more so after what happened last night.
“Every one of us makes mistakes Emmet, we all go into each day not having a clue what will happen or weather we will be able to deal with what is thrown at us and guess what we all fall on are faces now and again. It’s not about the mistakes we make; it about how we put them right.” She smiled again trying to cover a wince as her jeans moved over the tops of her legs. They where causing her more trouble then she would ever let on.
“You have been in there Esmee as a patient how is she feeling right now?”
“How am I meant to know, I’m not her, she won’t be felling the same as I did when I was in there.”
“Then tell me how you felt?” I begged
“Completely terrified and completely alone; like no one in the world cared.” Esmee said her voice stiff with sadness as her eyes glazed over for a moment she was back in that room, alone and cold, feeling like no one cared.
“Esmee I’m sorry.” I said softly crossing the room and putting my hand on her shoulder making the flash back retreat into her past and her eyes become alive again. I always asked too much of her and regretted it every time I took her experience for granted and called upon it to help me out however I always seemed to do it.
“it’s OK Emmet, if I can help be reliving it that makes it worth while and as I said Mi isn’t me so I can’t tell you what she is feeling, but I felt so alone in there, and so scared, she needs someone in there with her and yes she will probably swear and rant at you but it’s just because she’s angry as well as sad and that’s hard to understand. In short it’s a storm, weather it with her Emmet,” Esmee said gently wiping the solitary tear off of the side of her cheek before smiling warmly at me again making it feel like the light had been aloud back into the room,
“I have to go; I got obs and you know what to do Em; if any one can help her it’s you.”
“If that is the case you will have to think of a way to make it right.” Esmee smiled slapping me gently on the leg and getting to her feet as the clock on the wall caught her attention.
“Do you think they are any closer to perfecting the time machine yet?” I groaned trying to wipe the tears out of my clogged up eyes before she caught sight of them. My tears hurt her the same as her’s hurt me and I had no business hurting her, even more so after what happened last night.
“Every one of us makes mistakes Emmet, we all go into each day not having a clue what will happen or weather we will be able to deal with what is thrown at us and guess what we all fall on are faces now and again. It’s not about the mistakes we make; it about how we put them right.” She smiled again trying to cover a wince as her jeans moved over the tops of her legs. They where causing her more trouble then she would ever let on.
“You have been in there Esmee as a patient how is she feeling right now?”
“How am I meant to know, I’m not her, she won’t be felling the same as I did when I was in there.”
“Then tell me how you felt?” I begged
“Completely terrified and completely alone; like no one in the world cared.” Esmee said her voice stiff with sadness as her eyes glazed over for a moment she was back in that room, alone and cold, feeling like no one cared.
“Esmee I’m sorry.” I said softly crossing the room and putting my hand on her shoulder making the flash back retreat into her past and her eyes become alive again. I always asked too much of her and regretted it every time I took her experience for granted and called upon it to help me out however I always seemed to do it.
“it’s OK Emmet, if I can help be reliving it that makes it worth while and as I said Mi isn’t me so I can’t tell you what she is feeling, but I felt so alone in there, and so scared, she needs someone in there with her and yes she will probably swear and rant at you but it’s just because she’s angry as well as sad and that’s hard to understand. In short it’s a storm, weather it with her Emmet,” Esmee said gently wiping the solitary tear off of the side of her cheek before smiling warmly at me again making it feel like the light had been aloud back into the room,
“I have to go; I got obs and you know what to do Em; if any one can help her it’s you.”
(Esmee) game over (mis side)
Game over.
I did not take the ambulance long to arrive and the only way they could of looked more conspicuous as they being lead through the train station by a guard was if they stopped and did a hero pose while people blew fog into the faces. I shrank back into my self hoping that I may have been able to turn into the invisible woman.
“Hello my love have we had a fall?” One of the paramedics hollered as soon as he reached me almost blowing my head off of my shoulder with how load he spoke and this for a moment made Emmet chuckle to him self and my whole body lit up as I saw it, like someone had come and started to gently warm me up and for a few seconds I could laugh to as I remembered the same inside joke Emmet had.
The joke of course was that the extra loud voice that the older greying paramedic had just used was what we used to call the cures of the A&E team.
You could go to work in the morning as quiet as a mouse and time you got home in the evening it was guaranteed that you will be taking a good few decibels louder then what was needed, and this is due to the fact that at any given time A&E could be filled with over 90% older people, older people that where heard of hearing, older people that where heard of hearing and had a hearing aid but refused to wear the damn thing so the only way to communicate was by shouting and a series of ill though out inappropriate hand gestures. According to Emmet there is certain etiquette for miming vomiting and diarrhoea.
“Did you take a tumble my love?” The paramedic shouted again this time louder and accompanied my a little mime that would have made him a champion at charades.
“My hearings impeccable. For once there is no need to shout and, and no I didn’t fall, I am completely fine now.” I grumbled rolling my eyes as the paramedic basically ignored what I was saying and pressed his two fingers to the back of my wrist before writing 128 on the back of his glove.
“Your pulse it hammering away, what’s your name my love?” The paramedic asked again,
“Esmee and I told you I’m fine I just need to go home and calm down.” I grumbled even though the other paramedic had all ready got an oxygen monitor out of his bag and was busy attaching it to my finger and the same time as trying to do my blood pressure.
“She fainted, come round a few minutes later after the sternum rub, she has been fully aware ever since but her pulse is still a little high.” Emmet chirped brushing away my view of the situation while sounding more like a doctor then my husband and something inside me tensed again, that was why he was still there, because he was a nurse and he felt like he had to be; not because he loved me.
“Oxygen is between 96 and 97.” The paramedic with the oxygen monitor said before turning his attention to my blood pressure.
“Now that’s just impossible I was hyperventilating a few minuets ago and that is why I passed out. There is no way it can be that low” why was I arguing with a machine?
“Why where you hyperventilating?”
“Panic attacks, I have always had then and that guy there who has given you the low down is not just a nurse he is my husband and knows that!” I snapped
“Well if he is a nurse maybe you should trust his opinions more, after all have you been to uni and done all the training?”
“Yes.” probably more then this paramedic had
“What?”
“I’m also a nurse, and we both specialize in psychiatry so in reality none of us really know what we are doing… and I do not need oxygen!” I snapped turning my head away as the paramedic tried to attach a mask over my face as I ranted at him.
“Well as you have just said you don’t know what you are doing maybe you should let me decide that.” The paramedic smiled before attaching the mask over my face as I rolled my eyes at him while supporting a pout my two year old would have been proud of.
“Well my dear, I think you are going to be just fine but I would like to take you to the hospital and get you checked out by a doctor if that is ok. I am a little bit worried about these burns on your arms as well to be honest.” My insides went cold:
“Why, they are only just second degree burns, they will heal soon enough.” I stammered the fight suddenly falling out of me as the nausea settled somewhere high in the back of my throat. How had Emmet not put my sleeve down when I had been out? Why hadn’t he directed them towards my other arm where the non self inflicted cut was? There would have been a time when he would have. There would have been a time when I wouldn’t have been propped up against the railing when he stood over me, but in his warm arms cradled into him. There would have been a time when he told me that it was all going to be OK and not talked like he had just found me passing over the bridge before I passed out. There was a time when he loved me.
“I’m not to worried about the burns them self Esmee, more the fact of how they got there. I can tell by all these scars that you are no stranger to self harm my love.”
Game over.
I did not take the ambulance long to arrive and the only way they could of looked more conspicuous as they being lead through the train station by a guard was if they stopped and did a hero pose while people blew fog into the faces. I shrank back into my self hoping that I may have been able to turn into the invisible woman.
“Hello my love have we had a fall?” One of the paramedics hollered as soon as he reached me almost blowing my head off of my shoulder with how load he spoke and this for a moment made Emmet chuckle to him self and my whole body lit up as I saw it, like someone had come and started to gently warm me up and for a few seconds I could laugh to as I remembered the same inside joke Emmet had.
The joke of course was that the extra loud voice that the older greying paramedic had just used was what we used to call the cures of the A&E team.
You could go to work in the morning as quiet as a mouse and time you got home in the evening it was guaranteed that you will be taking a good few decibels louder then what was needed, and this is due to the fact that at any given time A&E could be filled with over 90% older people, older people that where heard of hearing, older people that where heard of hearing and had a hearing aid but refused to wear the damn thing so the only way to communicate was by shouting and a series of ill though out inappropriate hand gestures. According to Emmet there is certain etiquette for miming vomiting and diarrhoea.
“Did you take a tumble my love?” The paramedic shouted again this time louder and accompanied my a little mime that would have made him a champion at charades.
“My hearings impeccable. For once there is no need to shout and, and no I didn’t fall, I am completely fine now.” I grumbled rolling my eyes as the paramedic basically ignored what I was saying and pressed his two fingers to the back of my wrist before writing 128 on the back of his glove.
“Your pulse it hammering away, what’s your name my love?” The paramedic asked again,
“Esmee and I told you I’m fine I just need to go home and calm down.” I grumbled even though the other paramedic had all ready got an oxygen monitor out of his bag and was busy attaching it to my finger and the same time as trying to do my blood pressure.
“She fainted, come round a few minutes later after the sternum rub, she has been fully aware ever since but her pulse is still a little high.” Emmet chirped brushing away my view of the situation while sounding more like a doctor then my husband and something inside me tensed again, that was why he was still there, because he was a nurse and he felt like he had to be; not because he loved me.
“Oxygen is between 96 and 97.” The paramedic with the oxygen monitor said before turning his attention to my blood pressure.
“Now that’s just impossible I was hyperventilating a few minuets ago and that is why I passed out. There is no way it can be that low” why was I arguing with a machine?
“Why where you hyperventilating?”
“Panic attacks, I have always had then and that guy there who has given you the low down is not just a nurse he is my husband and knows that!” I snapped
“Well if he is a nurse maybe you should trust his opinions more, after all have you been to uni and done all the training?”
“Yes.” probably more then this paramedic had
“What?”
“I’m also a nurse, and we both specialize in psychiatry so in reality none of us really know what we are doing… and I do not need oxygen!” I snapped turning my head away as the paramedic tried to attach a mask over my face as I ranted at him.
“Well as you have just said you don’t know what you are doing maybe you should let me decide that.” The paramedic smiled before attaching the mask over my face as I rolled my eyes at him while supporting a pout my two year old would have been proud of.
“Well my dear, I think you are going to be just fine but I would like to take you to the hospital and get you checked out by a doctor if that is ok. I am a little bit worried about these burns on your arms as well to be honest.” My insides went cold:
“Why, they are only just second degree burns, they will heal soon enough.” I stammered the fight suddenly falling out of me as the nausea settled somewhere high in the back of my throat. How had Emmet not put my sleeve down when I had been out? Why hadn’t he directed them towards my other arm where the non self inflicted cut was? There would have been a time when he would have. There would have been a time when I wouldn’t have been propped up against the railing when he stood over me, but in his warm arms cradled into him. There would have been a time when he told me that it was all going to be OK and not talked like he had just found me passing over the bridge before I passed out. There was a time when he loved me.
“I’m not to worried about the burns them self Esmee, more the fact of how they got there. I can tell by all these scars that you are no stranger to self harm my love.”
Game over.
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
The punishment for her tears. (Emmets side)
i felt Emmets side needed reviving. So he's back!
The punishment for her tears.
It’s a fucking mess that’s what it is Esmee; the whole thing is a mess.” I moaned walking away from her and flumping down on one of the generic blue arm chairs my heart dropping as Esmee mentioned Mi again; I was regretting my decision to but her into the ECA more and more by the second and soon I would have to go in there and face her.
“I must say I have been glancing throw her file and she seems pretty messed up however her past is full of shady black spots to be honest, the whole thing shouts of chronic abuse of all kinds. She’s going to be a tough one that’s for sure.” Esmee concluded coming over and sitting on the chair opposite me. “So who’s with her now?”
“I am.” I groaned putting my head into my hands “Well at least I will be when I can find the will to go in there. At the moment I am somewhere between quitting and crying again.” I moaned once again feeling sorry for my self.
“Well don’t cry because whatever this fucking mess is we can sort it out and if you really can’t go back in there I will and you can do Rebecca’s obs, I’m a fresh face to all of this it may help.”
“I wouldn’t bet on it, there is one thing I can assure you and that is right now she hates us all with a passion.”
“Of course she does, but it is only fear and lack of trust. She see’s us all as the enemy because from what I can tell she had never had anyone on her side. So how has she come to be In the ECA anyway, it’s unlike Crystal to use that RRA for a genuine reason.” Esmee smiled leaning over and kissing my cheek which made me smile to. It felt almost impossible to feel down when she was so close to me and slowly she was making me feel like I could face the world again; including the teenager who I had just so badly betrayed.
“Well I didn’t want to put her there and in hindsight I shouldn’t off but at the time everything was a mess and I needed to think of a solution fast. I mean Crystal said she had tried to attack her and you know the rules on paper as well as I do Esmee if a client tries to hurt a member of staff it it’s right off to the ECA. What Else could I have done?”
“What, besides making a banner, buying one of those epic foam gloves and cheering her on?” Esmee laughed slipping off of the arm so she was sat on my lap fully before she reached over and gave me another peck on the cheek which made my lips curl up playfully at the edges.
“Emmet you’re not a bad person nor are you bad at your job if you put Mi in the ECA there had to be some ground for doing that.”
“I wish there was Esmee I really do but I keep replying that situation over and over again in my head and there really wasn’t. All she did was cry and I through her into a padded cell.”
The punishment for her tears.
It’s a fucking mess that’s what it is Esmee; the whole thing is a mess.” I moaned walking away from her and flumping down on one of the generic blue arm chairs my heart dropping as Esmee mentioned Mi again; I was regretting my decision to but her into the ECA more and more by the second and soon I would have to go in there and face her.
“I must say I have been glancing throw her file and she seems pretty messed up however her past is full of shady black spots to be honest, the whole thing shouts of chronic abuse of all kinds. She’s going to be a tough one that’s for sure.” Esmee concluded coming over and sitting on the chair opposite me. “So who’s with her now?”
“I am.” I groaned putting my head into my hands “Well at least I will be when I can find the will to go in there. At the moment I am somewhere between quitting and crying again.” I moaned once again feeling sorry for my self.
“Well don’t cry because whatever this fucking mess is we can sort it out and if you really can’t go back in there I will and you can do Rebecca’s obs, I’m a fresh face to all of this it may help.”
“I wouldn’t bet on it, there is one thing I can assure you and that is right now she hates us all with a passion.”
“Of course she does, but it is only fear and lack of trust. She see’s us all as the enemy because from what I can tell she had never had anyone on her side. So how has she come to be In the ECA anyway, it’s unlike Crystal to use that RRA for a genuine reason.” Esmee smiled leaning over and kissing my cheek which made me smile to. It felt almost impossible to feel down when she was so close to me and slowly she was making me feel like I could face the world again; including the teenager who I had just so badly betrayed.
“Well I didn’t want to put her there and in hindsight I shouldn’t off but at the time everything was a mess and I needed to think of a solution fast. I mean Crystal said she had tried to attack her and you know the rules on paper as well as I do Esmee if a client tries to hurt a member of staff it it’s right off to the ECA. What Else could I have done?”
“What, besides making a banner, buying one of those epic foam gloves and cheering her on?” Esmee laughed slipping off of the arm so she was sat on my lap fully before she reached over and gave me another peck on the cheek which made my lips curl up playfully at the edges.
“Emmet you’re not a bad person nor are you bad at your job if you put Mi in the ECA there had to be some ground for doing that.”
“I wish there was Esmee I really do but I keep replying that situation over and over again in my head and there really wasn’t. All she did was cry and I through her into a padded cell.”
(Esmee) in time, under the train (mi's side)
In time
I screamed his name at the top of my voice making every one around me jump and stare like I had lost my mind. In fact it seemed that the entire population of platform one might have heard me except one and that was the only person I was trying too get to notice me.
The speeding train was getting closer now and I noticed Emmet give a quick glance round before he casually put one leg up on the bottom run of the fence pretending to do up his shoe lace when in facet he was preparing his self to volt the fence; I had seconds.
Shrieking at the top of my voice I pushed my tired body through my dizzy haze and sprinted towards the stares trying to take them two at a time before I misplaced my footing half way up and my body fell down to smack against the stairs, bruising my shins and grazing my knees and hands as I tried to save my self at the same time as ripping my arm open against something sharp on the railings.
Once again concerned people stopped and tried to see if I was OK but I was back on my feet before any of them had chance to trey and help me and I was running again the train was really close now and Emmet would be ready to jump down to great it as it rushed past.
“Emmet! I shrieked again as I reached the top of the stair and span madly around the corner to get to the bridge almost knocking over a young man that called me a “fucking stupid cow” before growling and walking off
“Emmet stop! Emmet don’t! Emmet!” I Cried, and Catching his name just in time he stopped and looked at me as the train past underneath us in a whirl.
I had never seen his face like I saw it then, the grief upon it made my soul ach and his eyes where red from his still falling tears. His whole body looked like he had just been beaten up and he stood like someone had sucked every last ounce of happiness and strength out of him.
“Emmet I whispered again,” Trying unsuccessfully to catch my breath as I made my body move the rest of the way to him. “I found your note,” I squeaked before the blackness swirled around me and my body fell down to meat the floor.
Under the train
“Esmee! Esmee, can you here me? Esmee! Will someone call me an ambulance?”
“Is she all right mate?”
“Dose she look all right? Call me an Ambulance!”
“And tell them what?”
“”To get the arses here now! Just call me a fucking ambulance!
“All right, all right, you’re an ambulance” I moaned trying to pull my eyes back open away from the thick blackness that surrounded me even though I didn’t want to. Suddenly I was tired and for a few seconds I felt my self drift again before painful knuckles rubbed under my collar bone and Emmet shouted again;
“Esmee! Stay with me, Esmee keep taking to me! Open your eyes!”
“I still love you,” I crocked managing to get my lips to smile just before I finally managed to persuade my eyes to flicker open as well. I wanted to see his face again, no more then a few hours could of passed between the time that I had made the biggest mistake of my life that almost killed us both and where we where now but it felt like years sine I saw his face up close or felt his arms around me and I wanted that more then anything else.
The world around me spun fast as I tried to get my eyes to focus onto Emmet who was hunched over next to me his face up close next to mine so he could here my jumbled speech.
“I still love you.” I whispered out again hoping that he hadn’t responded last time because he hadn’t heard me properly but he did not respond again, instead his eyes glazed over with tears; he didn’t believe me and there was no way I could make him.
“You’re extremely tachy.” Emmet moaned his two fingers pressed over the back of my wrist.
“Oh thanks,”
“I meant you heart rate,”
“I know what you meant Emmet,” I moaned turning my head away from him, “I was trying to be funny.”
“Do you think this is funny?”
“Oh for fuck sake, I fainted that’s all, I was hyperventilating and I fainted I’m fine now just let me get up and we can go home, problem over.”
“I’m not sure I live there any more.” Emmet sighed looking away from me as he went about trying to dab the blood away from the grazes on my knees and the cut on my arm but I moved them away in defiance.
“I still love you Emmet.” I moaned even though I had given up on him saying that he loved me too, after all I asked for this, this is what I wanted when I had chose to tell him that I didn’t love him any more however I hadn’t planed to live this long with out him by my side; it should have been me under that train.
I screamed his name at the top of my voice making every one around me jump and stare like I had lost my mind. In fact it seemed that the entire population of platform one might have heard me except one and that was the only person I was trying too get to notice me.
The speeding train was getting closer now and I noticed Emmet give a quick glance round before he casually put one leg up on the bottom run of the fence pretending to do up his shoe lace when in facet he was preparing his self to volt the fence; I had seconds.
Shrieking at the top of my voice I pushed my tired body through my dizzy haze and sprinted towards the stares trying to take them two at a time before I misplaced my footing half way up and my body fell down to smack against the stairs, bruising my shins and grazing my knees and hands as I tried to save my self at the same time as ripping my arm open against something sharp on the railings.
Once again concerned people stopped and tried to see if I was OK but I was back on my feet before any of them had chance to trey and help me and I was running again the train was really close now and Emmet would be ready to jump down to great it as it rushed past.
“Emmet! I shrieked again as I reached the top of the stair and span madly around the corner to get to the bridge almost knocking over a young man that called me a “fucking stupid cow” before growling and walking off
“Emmet stop! Emmet don’t! Emmet!” I Cried, and Catching his name just in time he stopped and looked at me as the train past underneath us in a whirl.
I had never seen his face like I saw it then, the grief upon it made my soul ach and his eyes where red from his still falling tears. His whole body looked like he had just been beaten up and he stood like someone had sucked every last ounce of happiness and strength out of him.
“Emmet I whispered again,” Trying unsuccessfully to catch my breath as I made my body move the rest of the way to him. “I found your note,” I squeaked before the blackness swirled around me and my body fell down to meat the floor.
Under the train
“Esmee! Esmee, can you here me? Esmee! Will someone call me an ambulance?”
“Is she all right mate?”
“Dose she look all right? Call me an Ambulance!”
“And tell them what?”
“”To get the arses here now! Just call me a fucking ambulance!
“All right, all right, you’re an ambulance” I moaned trying to pull my eyes back open away from the thick blackness that surrounded me even though I didn’t want to. Suddenly I was tired and for a few seconds I felt my self drift again before painful knuckles rubbed under my collar bone and Emmet shouted again;
“Esmee! Stay with me, Esmee keep taking to me! Open your eyes!”
“I still love you,” I crocked managing to get my lips to smile just before I finally managed to persuade my eyes to flicker open as well. I wanted to see his face again, no more then a few hours could of passed between the time that I had made the biggest mistake of my life that almost killed us both and where we where now but it felt like years sine I saw his face up close or felt his arms around me and I wanted that more then anything else.
The world around me spun fast as I tried to get my eyes to focus onto Emmet who was hunched over next to me his face up close next to mine so he could here my jumbled speech.
“I still love you.” I whispered out again hoping that he hadn’t responded last time because he hadn’t heard me properly but he did not respond again, instead his eyes glazed over with tears; he didn’t believe me and there was no way I could make him.
“You’re extremely tachy.” Emmet moaned his two fingers pressed over the back of my wrist.
“Oh thanks,”
“I meant you heart rate,”
“I know what you meant Emmet,” I moaned turning my head away from him, “I was trying to be funny.”
“Do you think this is funny?”
“Oh for fuck sake, I fainted that’s all, I was hyperventilating and I fainted I’m fine now just let me get up and we can go home, problem over.”
“I’m not sure I live there any more.” Emmet sighed looking away from me as he went about trying to dab the blood away from the grazes on my knees and the cut on my arm but I moved them away in defiance.
“I still love you Emmet.” I moaned even though I had given up on him saying that he loved me too, after all I asked for this, this is what I wanted when I had chose to tell him that I didn’t love him any more however I hadn’t planed to live this long with out him by my side; it should have been me under that train.
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