(Esmee) Somewhere a door slams (Mi's side)

Somewhere a door slams

“WHAT!” both Emmet and my self shouted at the same time as I tried to get the words to make a real meaning inside me head.

“Your pregnant, I would say about six weeks.” Leo shouted clapping his hand and jumping up and down on the spot his face awash with tears of joy. He new we had always wanted more the one child and…and… I was pregnant.

“OK I’m going to throw up now.” I moaned the gagging starting somewhere in the back of my throat. I was pregnant.

“Wow, wow, hang on.” Leo shouted stopping jumping before springing into action and grabbing a bowl that was somewhere in the corner on the room before holding it under my chin just in time as the bile exited through my mouth somewhere in between trying to get the words to make sense and my mind to stop whirling as I was now in a sitting up position.

“Well this is good news right!”

I was pregnant… Some where inside my womb a tiny heart fluttered with new life Emmet’s and my life in a tiny little creation and it was nestled within me somewhere and I was keeping it safe, I was keeping it warm what I fed my self passed to it. My blood bringing its blood to life but this happened. A tiny beating heart had pumped inside me five times before at this stage and in the space of a month four of them had stopped leaving me with no words but just the bitter reason that if I had ate more, if I had been better, if I tried heard I would be a mother of five and now six. The odds where against this one.

Defeated from my thumping brain I put my head in my hands and started to cry. The doctor’s words still echoed in my brain like they had all the times before. “You have lost two, three, four babies now Esmee, it looks like your body just isn’t up to carrying a child.” The thing is I wasn’t up for losing any more and what real chance did this one have since I had been restricting food, exercising too much and god knows what else for the last few months. I wanted to scream.

“Are you sure?” I herd Emmet ask softly before getting up and wrapping me in his arms me, my face resting against his chest where my tears left a damp spot against his heart. He was now being strong for me but even through my tears I could see the dread somewhere in the back of his eyes. Another miscarriage would tear everything apart and I knew I was all ready fragile.

“Ok I must say this isn’t really I was the reaction I was expecting, am I just missing the inner whoops of joy?” Leo asked shocked and for a small moment I felt bad. If it held on, if I held on in months I could see it on the surface feel it moving and be able to listen to new life.

“It’s not as simple as that really Leo.” Emmet said gently pressing his lips to the top of my head, “we have lost four before and the specialist didn’t hold out much hope for Esmee to be able to successfully carry a baby.” Emmet said softly like maybe if he was soft it might not hurt me so much but of course it did. Every miscarriage could have been a son or daughter delivered onto my chest.

“I’m sorry Emmet.” I whined turning my face so it was buried into him “I’m going to kill this one too aren’t I?” I wept instinctively my hand cupping over my stomach that I had stood in front of the mirror and insulted just the day before.

“Oh Honey don’t think like that baby, you didn’t kill them sweet heart, it just wasn’t meant to happen for us then and maybe it wont this time either but maybe we will be blessed and she will grow healthy and strong and she will love you as much as I do.” Emmet smiled even though his face didn’t really hold much hope before he slid his hand down and placed it over mine.

“Thank you, but you know as well as I do that I haven’t been treating my self well enough to support a baby, I mean I have actually lost weight. I healthy pregnant mother dose not lose weight,” I moaned mournfully.

“That kind of brings me around to my second thing Esmee. How much have you been eating lately?” Leo asked the hummer in his voice gone which was never a good sign when it come to Leo. “Have you been counting the calories? He asked gently.

“No,” I whispered honestly as I had been putting up and extra effort not to, “I have been cutting back a bit though and exercising more.” The whole point of it was empty now when I had been concerned with control and vanity I might have been killing my unborn child.

“How about purging?” He asked almost sadly kicking a chair over by my side and sitting down taking my spare hand into his. “ Your not ill, ill exactly but still our tests are a bit worrying my love,” he said gently “ Everything is down in your boots, blood sugar, blood count, platelets and your anaemic. They would suggest that you are absolutely exhausted and verging on malnourished and that obviously wont help the baby. Do you think you can start eating a bit better?” He asked reaching up one hand wiping off one tear from the side of my cheek the Emmet hadn’t caught

“I’m sorry ok.” I whispered my heart breaking somewhere inside of me, “I didn’t mean to hurt my baby. If I know I would have eat better, taken folic acid, rested more, like I did with all the rest of them.” I moaned

“Well I’m going to admit you at least over night maybe a bit longer and your going to hate this but I need you to think of that little cub growing inside of you, so I am going to put you on a rescue feed drip for 24 to 48 hours. It will give everything a boost and it will make you feel better and give baby a better chance. It will also help you to get some rest which if your working like you normally do you could really do with, OK?”

“Of course, I said my insides someplace cold as I tried to get the thoughts of my body restrained to the bed as I screamed against the calories that where being forced into me through a drip, it was heard to thing that so many years later the same drip that I hated would be the very thing to try and keep my baby alive.

“I will request a side room and Emmet will have opening visit times as I know this will be very trying for you but it really is the best.” Leo said softly before picking up my wrists strapping on two ID bands. I swore at the same time I heard a heavy door slamming closed and an infant crying.