All that i know is i'm breathing (Mi's side)

All that I know is I’m breathing

Mi

“Storm is coming but I don’t mind,

People are dying I close my blinds,

All that I know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world, instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more then you and me.

All that I know is I’m breathing

All that I can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing, now”

Keep breathing

Ingrid Michaelson

　

Three weeks past in what seemed like a world I had become detached from. Like somehow I was watching my self float around with the others on the unit but inside I wasn’t really there. Esmee or Emmet had not come back the day I fort with the glass under the bed or the next day, or the next…or the next. For the first few days I was inconsolably sad and brutally angry but the numbing dispersion set in after that turning everything gray. I had asked after them to every member of staff especially Ava and Jean but I always got the same shit shoved back into my face about personal problems. There had been times where I nearly yelled out that Esmee was my sister and I deserved to know but that would have been breaking a trust she had installed in me.

Even though I was sad I had not attempted to hurt my self and as a result for the first time in a very long time I was on the two hourly entry level observations which was OK by me. Most mornings I got up ate then went into the day room curling up on the sofa and letting the silent tears trickle down over the side of my face. Sometimes an odd member of staff tried to comfort me, even Crystal in an odd moment of Compassion had rested her hand on my shoulder and offered to make me a cup of tea but as always I refused and she walked away. Summer and Bella spent most of the morning taking there own kind of shifts sitting with me and letting me know that they know that they thought it sucked too and for the first few days Conner wouldn’t leave my side but the hits come heard and as always they came in pairs and by the end of the first week I learnt that Conner was to be discharged on the Monday and before I new it I was watching him driving off with his mother as Edward tried to hold me upright when all my body wanted to do was collapse in on it’s self. Conner had told me he would wait for me and pressed a piece of paper with a mobile number on it and had asked for mine in return but I could not even find the energy to raise my head or grip my pen to write the numbers so in the end he said it didn’t matter and he would find me but inside me I knew it would be the last time I ever saw him or felt the magic he had brought alive in me.

After Conner left I almost completely lost the ability to sleep. My mind would not shut down and when it did I was plagued by old and new nightmares until I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and the night staff came running. It became so bad that every night I was forced to take a sedative but even the sedative couldn’t keep the bad dreams away completely and more often then not I found my self trapped inside them with out the ability to scream them away.

Inside my head I was making graphic and hideous plans on how to kill my self or self harm and I saw them play out inside my head over and over again as clearly as if I was just watching my self get on with it on the other side of the room but when It came to the act of actually doing it I was always just that little bit to tired. I had made my self sick a few times but it granted me no release any more and neither did anything else. There where times when I was laying there that I nearly screamed from the despair that floated inside of me but at these times I just closed my eyes clenched my fists and counted in my head until the numbers faded into sleep. I had reached into the millions, even the hundred millions each one a seconded that had passed since I had been left again.

I had always known of course that Esmee and Emmet would walk away from me in the end but they had had so many times before and they didn’t and they gave me hope; I began to dream again. Maybe I had become to attached but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I though them every step of the way because I had always known that it would hurt like hell when this day come but there had been nothing or no one that could have prepared me for the darkness I was plunged into

When I wasn’t feeling abandoned there was the other heart ranching fear that took hold of me inside. Esmee had always acted strong but in her eyes I had seen her break so many times before and her skin told a story like mine. What if it had become too much? What if she had fallen into a pit that she could not get out of and what if she was now like me face down on an itchy blue Sofa in a unit somewhere with her tears making a stain on the cushions. What of she needed a sister? What if she needed a friend?

All I knew was I was breathing, in and out in and out my chest rising and falling from the lungs that she had brought back to life and I also knew that I could and would cry forever but she was never coming back.