(Esmee) Never be the same (Mi's side)

Never be the same.

I went back to work on the Monday for the early shift as well as Emmet. Ava he been half heartedly trying to keep us in the know how about what was going on but mostly she just refused to talk about it saying I was off of work or a reason. She had even refused to tell me anything about Mi other then she had managed to prise the glass off of her with the help from Bella, Summer and Connor and she had been safe ever since so was now on Entry level observations. My heart had leapt when I heard this because I knew what it meant. Her first visit to our house would be immanent now with the out look of discharging her somewhere in the next four months.

We arrived to work nearly three hours early knowing there would be reams and reams of files to go through before we could get back into the swing of things not to mention any new admissions or changes in condition and when we let our self’s into the office at five that morning we much to the surprise of Alice and Edward who where writing up the night time notes we where glad we had as both white boards where littered with client information and files where day books where strewn all over the place with out much order. It appeared in our absence lots had happened.

“Well you two are a sight for sore eyes even if you are ridiculously early.” Edward said looking up from a day book that he was writing in. “This place really has been a mess with out you. Want the low down?” He smiled at the same time as letting out a sigh.

“Of course. How is every one?

“Well let’s start with Discharges. We have lost Ella, Conner and Jack,” Edward smiled. Discharges because of progress where happy things and these had been in the pipe line for a while. Ella had spent fifteen months with us and was long overdue to be going back home again. Of course with Ella there was always a chance we would be seeing her again as she was a frequent patient in apple gate house but we where always hopeful that one day she would remain well. Jack had been with us for just over six moths and we all saw his anxiety was now under control and he was doing well and Connor had always been a personal favourite of mine. He was hurt badly by his obsessive compulsion to touch hot things and his life had been controlled to the point of self destruction for the need to be clean and for things to be in odd numbers. He had come to us depressed and broken a part nearly a year ago but we saw him come alive and now he did not belong with us any more though a part of me would miss him sorely for a few days.

“No update on Bella’s discharge yet then?” I asked sighing. Her discharge had been planed for almost six weeks earlier but that was before we had found out what she was doing. At first it looked like after almost twelve months of trying she had beaten her eating disorder. She had reached her target weight and maintained it well and it had been a long time since we had to use her PEG or even give her the Ensure. Her move on meetings where good and she had a place lined up for her in a moving on eating disorders rehabilitation unit where the support would be minimal but there in case she needed it but then when I was doing weigh in one morning Everything fell apart.

“Afraid not Ez, like you said she had been on a slippery slope since you found out what she was doing.” Edward sighed before spinning around on his chair and pointing up at the notice board for today’s tasks, the top one being “insertion of NG tube for Bella Reynolds,” Her PEG had been removed in prep for her discharge and in a celebration of it not being needed, it seemed now the choice had been made prematurely.

“I will do it after breakfast.” I said sadly going over to the board and putting my initials beside the task before turning to Emmet to see if he would help. I didn’t have to say anything before he gave a small nod and I wrote his initials next to mine.

“Poor kid, she must still be mortified by what happened.” I moaned softly.

“To be perfectly honest I’m still not sure why she let it get that bed.” Alice said her voice floating in from know where as she pushed one book aside and started on another. I caught the name Mia written on the front and had to restrain my self to stop me throwing my self across the table at it. I was not looking forward to reading what our absence had done to her; or Connors discharge but at least when I new I could start to rebuild some of the rope bridges I had all ready made.

“She was water loading.” I said simply to Alice trying to pull my eyes away from the book she was writing.

“I know she was water loading but water loading or not if I was that desperate to pee I would have just gone. Surly that would have been better then just standing there and wetting your self in front of a nurse. I mean she knew you where going to think something was up if she did that any way. I’m sorry I just don’t get it.” Alice said sharking her head in disbelief which was mimicked by Edward. God these people needed educating.

“Well I get it.” I answered back trying to keep the slight irritation out of my voice.

“Well are you going to let us in on it then?” Alice asked looking up from the book again.

“Just put your self in her shoes. I said as I scanned my eyes down over the rest of the list before coming to the bottom one that read, Try and get Mi to talk, I was confused but quickly wrote Emmet and my self’s initials after it any way I wanted an excuse to spend some time with her.

“The trouble is Esmee none of us have ever been in her shoes have me and there is only so much stuff role play can teach us, to be there would be different and well we just haven’t been.” Alice smiled sadly

“I have.” I responded quietly not sure weather I really wanted her to here me or not. My past at work was unknown to even the staff with the exception of Jean who had only found out recently. It wasn’t because I was purposefully trying to hide it for I was not ashamed of it but in the current times and workings of apple gate house it wasn’t really important and no one had ever asked anyway.

“You have pissed you self in front of a weigh in nurse?” Alice asked simply while she laughed unperturbed by exactly how judgmental and harsh her words sounded against my ears on how if I was weaker she would have brought me to my knees.

“And there it is Alice right there,” I smiled turning away from the board to face her, she needed to learn this lesson now or in years she would turn into a Crystal junior. With out the occasional archer it was very easy to become numb to the suffering around you after years on the job and Alice had been there long enough now to not to care any more. As head nurse it was my job to make sure she did not lose her humanity for all of our sakes.

“There’s what?”

“In that one sentence there you made me feel about three inches tall and completely worthless. Yes I have water loaded and yes I have wet my self in front of the weigh in nurse because that morning I hadn’t calculated it right and drank too much just a little bit too early.” I stated in a matter of fact tone even though in reality right then it felt like I was trying to face the world alone. Alice just stared me like I had announced to them I was actually a man and was going to give up my nursing job to strip in a transgender night club.

“I… I mean… What…I?” Alice babbled her face lighting up in a brilliant red as she fumbled with the book in front of her trying to hide her face behind her hand.

“Look, Alice its fine and I’m sorry, don’t get upset or embarrassed about this I am just trying to help you understand like you asked me too.” I said grabbing a spare chair that was behind one of the desks and pulling it up closer to her sitting down my self.

“Well I feel like an idiot.”

“Don’t your learning and that’s all part of it here,” I smiled putting my hand on her shoulder. “I know that it is easy to make judgments about someone or something they do it’s a natural thing and we all do it all the time; I bet for a second when I said that you thought I was crazy. The thing is you know me better then that right and respect me for what I am now so that’s why your now embarrassed.”

“You just seem like the most unlikely person. Or are you just saying this to make me think?”

“I’m not lying. I came here when I was 16 and I left about a year later,” I said gently but Alice still looked unconvinced.

“Look Emmet will you drive the point home here.” I asked over my shoulder to Emmet who seemed to be standing on guard behind me like I had expected him to be. His protectiveness had gone into overdrive since he found out I was pregnant and this would have been a subject he would of like to have avoided me bringing up on my first day back to work. I was never all that good at talking about my past and at times it had upset me and he knew this as most of the time it had been him I was talking to.

“She was here,” He said stiffly, confirming what I was saying while putting a hand on my shoulder. I nuzzled it gently with my cheek trying to tell him I was OK and moved along with the conversation.

“Besides it doesn’t really matter if I was here or not. What you got to think of is Bella is a human and not just a product of this place and she is ill. All she has heard about for the last few months is her progress, which means all she has seen and heard is everybody now thinks she is fat and she feels bloody horrible about her self yet she hasn’t told any of us because after over 12 months here she wants out so she has found a way to lose the weight and found a deceive to deceive the scales and us in the process so she runs with it and before she knows it she is stuck so deep in the middle of it all she had no idea how to get out and there is no one she feels like she can turn to that wont resort in her stay here being extended so she carries it on. So one morning you have done the same trick as you usually do but as you are getting thinner you obviously have to drink more and more to compensate the weight loss and you realise half way though the weigh in that you really have to go but if you ask the nurse and leave she is going to want a urine sample to make sure your not water loading which would be confirmed when you come back any way because your weights going to have dropped a good few pounds or you weight sit it out and hope that she gets on with it quickly, after all you have been doing this for weeks and you have always made it to the loo before.

So you sit there and it’s uncomfortable and it hurts and quite frankly you feel like crying because of it all until finally she calls you over to the scales you get up and it all happens and once and there is nothing you can do abut it apart from stand there and pee your self in front of everyone and try not to cry from the embarrassment of it all but that isn’t even the worse thing, the worse thing is in the end it would all be for nothing as well because with that your game is up and it will be common knowledge to every one that you are losing weight. Lets be honest here Alice, poor old Bella didn’t have a chance that morning.” I said trying to smile even though somewhere at the back of my eyes I could feel the tears sit. What I had just described was one of my worse times in the unit and t had shoved another four months on my stay. I hated my self for days after it happened and I could never again look at any of the staff with out wanting to run away for each of then had known what happened and in the back of my head I knew when they where copped up in this office together some of them would have been picking fun at it and others would have been shaking there heads in mute disbelief. I felt a shiver go down the back of my spine.

“I think I get it now.” Alice said softly and next to her Edward nodded his approval. They both wore kind and understanding faces but mostly I just felt patronized by them. I had no idea if what I had just done helped Bella or shot my integrity as a nurse up the ass. All I knew is I would now never look the same to Alice and Edward again in the same way as Bella would always look just a little different to me weather I liked to admit it or not.