(Esmee) find my way back to you, My man on the front line and thrown a rope (Mi's side)

I am not sure about triggers but i could imagine that there could be and even if ther isn't i think it could in it's self be classed as upsetting, but there again i am sensative right now as i am not doing so well, so just a warning, love vikki


Find my way back to you

A few moments later the nurse who had took my hand over notes pulled back the curtains to the compartment I was in with a swoosh before stepping inside in side of course in her eyes making the cubical sound proof.

“Hello my love,” the nurse said in a voice that once again was far louder then needed for someone right beside of her though saying that she had to shout over the doctor that was two compartments down who was trying to explain to a stone deaf Margret that she had broke her hip.

“I’m going to have to ask you to get changed into a gown for me if that’s OK, I have to do an ECG and things, I can see you are in a bit of a state though so maybe you would like to clean your self up a bit before I do all of this.” In short this was polite for her saying Esmee you absolutely wreak and if I touch you like you are now I may have to wear a peg on my nose.

“How are you feeling any way? Any more light headedness?”

“No I’m Ok when I’m lying down its vertical I have a problem with.” I smiled gripping my fingers tighter around Emmet’s hand just to make sure he had no ideas of letting me go.

“All right my love, I will go and get you some soap and water and things then I will come back and give you a hand to get cleaned up if you want one, then I can do your ECG and things and by that time the doctor should be ready to see you.” The nurse smiled again sweetly swinging the curtains open as she left letting the active world of an A&E majors department into great me.

I had no idea how Emmet had pulled off so many years of working in this place everything was always so busy and there was no time to sit and work out what the next step of action was, it was all machines chest compressions and tea making with a fair amount of shouting thrown in for good measure yet he said he loved it while he was here just not as much as apple gate house and that wasn’t to mention the pay for an A&E nurse was even more abysmal then are wages.

“Will you help me out rather then her?” I asked Emmet as I tried to drag my eyes away from the whole other world that seemed to play out at the bottom of my bed, “I mean I usually am fine with washing my self and all but I have this whole vertical issue right now.”

“Esmee, you have always had a vertical issue.” Emmet smiled his face now somewhat recovering from the pain lines that had been there only a few moments ago. Even though it was not back to it’s normal self completely it was now resembling my Emmet’s face more and more and not the monster I had put there in his place and more then ever before I tried to burn the image of it into the back of my mind in case it ever went away again.

“You’re intolerable,” I joked smiling up at him. “You know what I meant.”

“It won’t be the first time I have washed and dressed you and I am sure it won’t be the last; I think I can manage.” Emmet smiled leaning forward to kiss me on the fore head.

“Ewww Emmet I covered in vomit; you don’t want to kiss me.”

“I don’t care, it feels like its been years since I kissed you last, and to think I may have never felt this again.” Emmet said his voice pained as an involuntary shiver went up his spine.

“Don’t; your just torturing you self. I promise I will never do that again. I will never argue with you or treat you wrong.”

“Don’t be a plank Esmee of course we will argue, probably several million time before are life’s are at a close but all that matters is at the end of them I will always find my way back to you.”



My man on the front line

About five minutes later the same nurse rolled a bowl of soapy water and towels into my cubical on a table with weals and put a hospital gown on the edge of my bed before leaving Emmet and my self to get me into a more suitable state.

Very gently Emmet propped the head of bed up and my head span slightly as I tried to get accustomed to sitting up again.

“Are you feeling faint again?” Emmet asked gently leaning my head down a bit more though I still wasn’t flat.

“Don’t worry about it, it will pass, soon, I’m probably coming down with a virus or something, I’m fine.”

“Yeah well they will be able to tell us that wont they.” Emmet said gently pulling my top up over my head before trying with out much success to undo my bra.

“You know you bloody hopeless,” I said putting one had behind my back and unclipping the fasten on my bra before pulling it off of my shoulders and passing it to Emmet to put on my pile of cloths before shivering as I caught sight of my naked body lying on the bed. I had never been a huge fan of my body, well Julie had first drawn my attention to it when I was about 10 and from then on I had never been comfortable sitting in my own skin. On the face of it in all honestly it really wasn’t that much different from someone else’s. In fact the shape might have been something people longed after. I was not fat even though sometimes I felt fat and no longer was I the five stone Sterlington that I had become. My tummy was flat-ish and my hips where not particularly wide and after I gave birth to Mi I had been blessed to have c breasts which where surprisingly big for a diminutive women like my self but something about it repulsed me. The shape the feel, the scars and right there I felt disgusted and worthless.

“I kind of feel hideous right now.” I admitted gently to Emmet, covering up my scared breast with my even more badly scared arms before looking away from Emmet as unexpected tears found my eyes. A man like Emmet deserved a sun kissed goddess of beauty and I at best was broken. “I’m so flawed.” I moaned swallowing heard against the lump of tears in my throat

“You’re beautiful.” Emmet said firmly but in a kind tone as he removed my arms from over my breast and looked at my naked top half for a while which almost made me feel nauseous. I new that he saw a woman he desired but I felt awful and his eyes burned as he scanned the contours of my body.

“I know you don’t feel that right now but I wish there was a way you could see you’re self though my eyes and then you would know that I’m not just making that up.” Emmet said in an almost whisper as he gently started to sponge the vomit off of my face neck and chest while his soft fingertips traced over the long raised white raised scars that criss-crossed over every patch of skin the worse ones being on my breast.

Emmet had always hated the scars on my breasts the most and when I was younger and still cut there theses where also the ones he had the most trouble excepting as he tried to wash them off and path me up. I had asked him why once and he said he wasn’t sure exactly but he felt like it was something to do with bar the vagina in was one of the most delicate and sensitive parts of the woman’s anatomy and it must of hurt like hell every time I ripped them apart. All my self harm hurt him but this seemed to effect him the worse and I remember the one time he had found out I had crossed that line even more and cut my vagina I heard him sobbing in the bathroom after he had dealt with it and that was the last time I ever abused that part of my body.

“I don’t think your flawed either,” Emmet said again gently after a few moments of what looked like deep thinking. “I think you’re hurt, but definitely not flawed, that would imply you are less then perfect and you’re perfect to me.” He confirmed.

“I can’t see that, please don’t get mad at me but I just can’t see it when I look at my self and now I just feel stupid, completely embarrassed and ugly.” I moaned as Emmet took of my Jeans and underwear before starting to sponge down my legs with the warm soapy water, his fingers once again brushing over the newer red scars on the top of my thighs.

“Why would I get mad at you, I know you cant see it and I think right now, you are struggling with your eating disorder and you have been for a while even though you have only just realized it your self.” Emmet said once again very softly as he finished with my legs and helped put my arms into the sleeves of the hospital gown, lying my bed down again once he had finished.

“If I really have got an eating disorder again Emmet, a war is coming. Can you really do that again?” I asked for my own reassurance, if he didn’t think he could do it I knew I wouldn’t have been able too.

“For you I would stand on the front line a million times.” Emmet soothed wiping the tears off of my cheeks with his thumb before pressing his lips against mine; giving me the reassurance that I so needed then. That any fights I would face would not be fort alone.

Thrown a rope

“Well if it isn’t the Bears!” A doctor by the name of Leo said after he had closed the curtains behind him and opened his arms to receive a hug by Emmet before he come over and kissed me on the cheek.

“Well if it isn’t Emmet’s worst man.” I laughed pecking Leo back on the cheek before he grabbed one of the chairs in the room and straddled it backwards glancing over the monitor that I had been strapped up to with many leads that all got tangled around me.

“So how are we both, it must have been what five days since I saw you both last, I tell you, it’s a travesty I must see my god daughter at least every day or I suffer cute withdraw you know! So any way why do we have your lovely wife wired up to the national grid right now Emmet?” Leo laughed picking him self off of the chair to press some of the buttons on the monitor that made the blood pressure cuff blow up again.

“Umm the lovely wife is lying here you know Leo, you could always just ask me.” I suggested.

“Well go on then tell me all about it. What can my mad doctoring skills help you with today?” Leo laughed.

“I fainted a few times when I was out and Emmet panicked. other then that I have a few grazes on my knees and a cut on my arm that could probably do with a few steri- strips but that aside, I am all good so can I go home now?” I asked smiling.

“I would like to see you walk out of here.” Leo said after checking the results of my blood pressure “I reckon you would be flat on the floor before you even got out of the cubical.” He said again before tilting the bed so my legs where hoisted up into the air.

“Well this is dignified, what with my being in a gown and all!” I moaned trying to arange a blanket so it sat over my legs.

“Ah I have always wanted to get your legs in the air,” Leo winked.

“Ohy! What have I said about shamelessly flirting with my wife?” Emmet joked slapping him in the back. “If it wasn’t for that fact you had a boyfriend at home I would have to deck you, you know that right… How is Lenny by the way?”

“Lens good.” Leo responded before taking a seat next to me again and pulling my right arm over to him which had the burns on them examining each one with interest and before I new it I begin to feel my new found calmness escalate back into despair making the heart monitor I was on moan in annoyance to my new bounding heart rate and my breath come quicker in my throat as I stared panic stricken into Leos face like a bunny would into headlights.

“Hay, calm it down Esmee, it’s me your dealing with here, and it’s going to be OK.” Leo said gently placing his hand on the top of my arm his whole personality switching to concerned in the space of moments and here in this change was classic of what self harm did, changed everything for the worse; in the space of seconds it could have your would tumbling down around you.

“So what are these burns from then?” Leo asked even though he, like every one else new and for a moment I hated him because it felt like he was mocking me. He was meant to be our friend, why was he making it worse?

“Leo, you know…” I started to say but he grabbed hold of the top of my arm again and gave me a small wink out the corner of his eye before asking what the burns where from again and at that moment I realised he was not mocking; he was throwing me a rope.

“I was frying eggs,” I said quickly with out even hesitating, “and well you know what they are like, they spat at me and I got burnt.” I smiled before mouthing thank you at him and giving his hand a squeeze.

“Well I think they are fine and wont need any further treatment OK, just keep them clean, and Emmet,” Leo said turning his attention away from me to Emmet, “when you see that frying pan again, give it a kick up the ass for me.”