Maybe i had won

Maybe I had won

“All right, come on sweet. Come on lets go,” Esmee said taking my hand into her and pulling me up into standing. I did not want to stand. I didn’t want to face whatever was waiting for me. A part of me wished for the unit. For the w3alls and the fences and security. There no razors where allowed and if you had them they would be taken off of you. Here they were there all I had to do was ask. It was strange to my hospital mind.

Esmee directed my sluggish body towards the stairs that lead to my room and I forced my legs to go up them on at a time, she went up them first. A barrier to a bad but she would let me have them I knew that. So was she was easy penetrated. 

The air was thick as she opened my crisp white bedroom door and let herself in and went over to my bed picking the blades delicately one by one off of my bed. I wanted them. I really did but I did not move to take them I did not make a noise instead I turned my back on her and them and everything that I could.

“I am going to go and put these into the sharps bin.”

I thanked god it wasn’t a question that would have been to hard maybe she knew that already though. Maybe she was trying her best to save me. I slid past her are Pjs touching each other in the breeze we created between us, I did not want her to leave however I let her go anyway leaving everything empty.

I sat on the edge of the bed pulling the tips of my toes through the white fluffy rug that was beside my bed. I tried to concentrate on breathing. I wanted to keep it level even though it was in danger of running away from me. I am not sure what I was panicking I don’t think it was for the blades it was just for me for my world for everything falling down the rabbit hole. I did not want to be alone. In this world. In this room. Inside myself.

My breathing sped up in spite of my best efforts. I could feel my heart thumping against my rib cage. My hands where sweaty and my tummy squeezed.   

“Mi, its Emmet sweat, would you like me to come in?” it’s like they new

Ye…yeah if you want.” I had tried so hard not to stutter but the words where stuck. Breathing had to come first above it all or I was scared I would stop completely.

“It’s all right. Breath with me,” Emmet instructed kneeling down in front of me on the rug and taking my hands into his. He looked tiered but his lips were in a soft smile, his cheeks lose and calm, his moth ever so slightly parted so you could see the tips of his white teeth brushing the pink flesh of his lips. His calmness calmed me. It’s like he wouldn’t let me get sucked into the vortex.

I forced my breath to mimic his. For my chest to rise and fall as his did and my world cantered again just in time for Esmee to walk back in the door her hands now empty. She smiled at us for the corner of the room before coming over and sitting on the bed next to me. She nuzzled me with her cheek in a playful way and I smiled.

“You look tiered my sweet.” Esmee said gently tucking a strand of my hair behind my hair. I was tiered more tiered then I wanted to admit, it felt like I had been to war and maybe I had but maybe that was ok, because maybe in a way I had won.    

Keep me safe. Mi

Keep me safe

I tried to concentrate on my breathing for a few seconds before I spoke again. Vomit fluttered in a ball inside me but it seemed to be contented to stay down for now.

“Here you go sweet,” Emmet said holding a damp towel to my forehead. “You look a bit hot my dear. Do you also want to rinse you mouth out with some water try and get rid of the taste.”

I got unsteadily to my feet with the help of Emmet and went over to the sink before scooping water up with my hands into my mouth. I also enjoyed the spray hitting me in the face I could have stayed there for hours but I pulled myself away and turned the taps off.

“Why don’t you go back out and sit with Esmee for a bit and I will get rid of this.” He said referring to the bucket of sick. “She will look after you.”

I left the room again still in a particle daze. I am not sure what had happened where the anger in my veins had retreated to. It just niggled now. I could have cut. Maybe I still even wanted to in a part of me, it would have still been easy. It would have still be a release. I no longer needed to though. There was a tiny part that was surviving without blades, blood and bandages. I was also, very suddenly, very tiered like I could have slept for days, however I knew what awaited me when I wondered back up those stares. They would be waiting and they would probably destroy me.

“How are you feeling now Honey?” Esmee asked signalling for me to sit down next to her on the bed. “I am going to be very nursey and ask you on a scale of one to ten.”

“And I am going to be very annoying and not answer,” I smiled “I’m Ok. I feel better. Just tiered as I bet you are.” 

“I’m fine hon, we both are, but if you are wanting to go back to bed that’s fine too.”  

“I am too scared,” I admitted. “I don’t think I am strong enough right now to face what is waiting for me. I never have been able to give up a blade and they are up there waiting on my bed.”

“I can get rid of them for you sweet. All you have to do is say that’s ok.”

“I wish I could do that. I wish I was that strong.” I sighed leaning back on the bed on one arm. The mattress tried to drag me into it. Inviting me to stay there, and I wanted to. I didn’t want Esmee to leave I felt a little stronger in her presence.

“How about you and I go up to your room together. The blades will still be there yes and you could still use them however you would have to cut in front of me.”

I wanted to cry again there was no answer that I liked the sound of. There was part of me, a desperate part that wanted the control to be removed. I wanted someone to march up to my bedroom remove the blades and tell me that I would not be cutting myself.  Maybe that as what I still needed. If I was in the walls of Apple gate that is what they would have been doing. It was hard to see them past the front of nurse. I loved them like family but perhaps I still needed a nurse.

“Please don’t let me use them Esmee” I whined before putting my face in my hands “Please keep me safe.”  

They're worth all of it. Mi

They’re worth all of it

Mi

My body hurt. It was cold and hot and in pain. I had no idea what I was doing. The pain could have been over by now. Emmet nor Esmee or anyone else would have had to none about it. Before Apple gate house, before nurses or Lorazepam injections or restraints where I couldn’t breathe I had been an expert. I had been a cutter a good cutter. I hid it under sleeves and I had never needed stitches and even if I did I had sorted it. A master at my craft. I was good with cutting it had helped me but now, for some strange reason I had chosen against it. I had chosen this pain, this complete hell.

“Try to relax,” Esmee instructed trying to fit her arms around me better but my bones where like shards of glass cutting into the mattress and her arms and breaking my lings making it feel like my chest was filling with blood. I was drowning on dry land. Vomit and bile glued itself inside my stomach. I wanted to vomit but I couldn’t. I wanted so much.

“Is there anything I can do more to help Emmet asked throwing a tee shirt on before sitting on bottom edge of the bed by my feet, they still trembled stiffly the muscles hurting as they arched in towards the toes.

I smiled at him through the pain. I could think of a hundred things to be done but it didn’t want to hurt them more. That had changed to. Cutting never cared and neither had I, It didn’t matter who I had taken down but now I had to care about them. Cutting till didn’t and I think that’s why it hurt because I knew in my heart I shouldn’t cut any more not even if I really needed to.

“I feel a bit sick I swallowed my eyes screwed shut. I tied to feel Esmee more than see her. I wanted to concentrate on the softness of her arms and the scent of her skin and hair. Strawberries and a sweat perfume they had called me before they had made me whole when I wasn’t.

“Do you think you’re going to vomit?” Emmet asked getting to his feet and touching my arm gently. It felt like electric shocks setting my skin on fire. Not so much powerful but awakening. The nausea rolled up to my mouth.

“Bathroom.” I choked out scrabbling out of Esme’s arms and to my feet my hand pressed over my mouth my tummy muscles heaving upwards.

“Come on, quick, threw here,” Emmet said grabbing my elbow and towing me throw the door at the end of their bedroom the led to a small but cozy en suit. “Here.” Emmet handed me a bucket under the sink and pushed me down to sit on the toilet seat. I vomited forcefully almost missing the bucket as Emmet took my hair and held it back over my shoulders.

“All right, good girl,” He soothed as I heaved uncomfortably my eyes and nose running. My stomach pushing upwards. It was somewhat helping to vomit like I was getting something out of me, something I could see it wasn’t the same as cutting it wouldn’t defeat the demons but it was always better to be empty after all this time.

“I’m sorry,” I moaned wiping my eyes with the back of my hands.

“Not your fault honey. What did I say if your sick we will clean it up no big deal,” He smiled taking the bucket off of my lap and handing my some tissue so I could wipe my nose and mouth. I smiled again. He was worth fighting for he was worth going through the pain for he was worth living for

hold her until it's gone

Hold her until it’s gone

“What a good brave choice to make, now how would you like to approach this or would you like me to choose?”

“I have no idea. I’m trusting you remember.”

“Come on then, let’s go down stares for a bit. Esmee will come to.”

I got to my feet and followed as Emmet held one of Mis had and put the other one on her waste to try and steady her as she went down over the stares and into the kitchen flicking on the blinding bright light making Mi cover her eyes or a second or two before Emmet sat her down on one of the kitchen chairs. I allowed myself to approach her now. I wanted to hold her. She was no longer sobbing but she shock and her teeth chattered. Her face was bright red with tears. Her breathing come in shuddering burst her arms cradled up to her chest her eyes hovering over the kitchen cupboards and work surfaces. I was glad we had already removed the knives and put them in a cupboard with child lock. I had no doubt she would have gone for them is she could see them.

“It’s OK. I tried to sooth. Grabbing my own chair and sitting opposite her my legs speed out to go around hers so I could be close enough to touch her. “I know it feels like hell,” I said placing my hand on her shoulder while smoothing her hair behind her ear. I brushed my fingers over her cheeks to remove the fresh tears that fell as she rocked her body forward and backward, her feet tapping the floor.

“Would you like some Lorazepam Mi?” Emmet asked not concentrating as he grabbed a mixing bowl out on of the cupboards before diving into the freezer grabbing out two trays of ice cubes.

Mi shock her head. Roughly dragging her hands across her face before growling slightly before ripping the skin on her arms with her finger nails.

“Try not to sweetheart. You are doing so well,” I soothed again forcing myself not to grab at her hands. Sometime unit life was easier. Sometimes it was more than hard to watch someone slipping away and it was one of those times. 

Mi squeaked but removed her hand as she bent over in the chair her head almost touching my legs, Het back arching uncomfortable as new tears pulled her muscles upwards. “I feel sick.” She moaned.

I got to my feet and went over to the cupboard under the sink and pulled out a bucket that we used for Mia when she was sick before going back to Mi and placing it at her feet. “Just in case,” I reassured just before Emmet came over to us with his bowl of cold water and ice cubes.

“Mi sit up for me a minuet,” He encouraged placing a hand on her back. Mi sat up unsteadily and Emmet put the bowl on her lap.

“Here,” I said taking her hand and placing mine and hers into the freezing water. It was painful but I didn’t care. If this is what she needed this is what she would have. I would have done anything, been anyone, and gone anywhere to make her feel just the teeniest bit more comfortable.

Mi did not react to the ice her body still rocked and her tears still fell if it had given her the shock of pain we were hoping for she did not show it. If it was helping it didn’t register on her tortured face but she did not protest either as her finger curled and uncurled around an ice cube however it did not last long and very suddenly she took her hands out of the water almost spilling it on the floor, passing it over to me so she could get up and pace the kitchen floor tiles. It wouldn’t help she would be crawling time the end and I couldn’t stand it. There was nothing I could do part from watch her fail and watch her fall farther away and I couldn’t catch her.

“Make it stop,” Mi plead to anyone that would listen “I want to cut so badly!” She sobbed “but I want to stay here with u. I love you!”

Emmet moved before I could and without a word of warning scoped Mi up off the floor and into his arms like a baby. Mi sobbed harder but did not protest as she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face deep into his still bear chest.

I got the doors from him as he mover her from the kitchen back up the flight of stairs to our bedroom again. “Lay down Esmee.” He said to me and I did I was told not really sure what his pan was, then gently laid Mi on the bed next to me her back to mine. “Just hold her,” He whispered to me.

He didn’t have to ask me twice that is exactly where I wanted her. Inside my arms. Close and as safe as I could make her.

“It all going to be all right baby,” I whispered close to her ear as I pulled her in so her back was up against me chest and my arms around her as tight as I could get them, my legs twisted around hers where she curled herself into a ball. “I’m right here my little darling. I’m right here and I promise I’m going to make it go away.    

take my hand

Take my hand.

 “Ok. It’s OK, try and calm yourself down a little bit. Now have you cut yourself? You’re not stupid and you’re not in trouble if you have but like always one of us will need to see and treat them.” Emmet said offering Mi his hand as I released her from my grip. If she had hurt herself there was no evidence of it. Her arms where clean of new wounds and there was no blood on her cloths or mine however my insides still twisted uncomfortably. I knew what it meant if she had harmed herself. It meant more months inside the unit. More observations and the end to any leave that she had. Worse than all of that I felt like that in some ways I could have prevented it. If I had checked on her at the time I was thinking about doing it a few hours ago I may have prevented her from going so far. It was bad enough seeing her like this knowing that she had had no intervention while she was feeling so “poorly” but if she had actually broke under it that would have made it so much harder to bare.

“No, but I want to. I really want to. I don’t think I can stop myself any longer. It’s too much inside of me. It’s like I’m burning up inside and there is no way out. It is so stupid and I am so sorry but I think I have to. I really can’t stop myself I shouldn’t have woken you up. I should have just got on with it. I would have been Ok then.”

Mi was on her feet and too the door fully sobbing again before either myself or Emmet could stop her. My heart pounded in my chest. I wasn’t really sure why. I wanted to stop her from going. Every part of me wanted to run after her and knock her to the floor. Restrain her until the storm had passed. Hold her tight to me until she had no more tears to cry or feeling to grip at her. I wanted to beg her. Pled her, but I couldn’t. I knew that that would be wrong. We were not in the unit anymore. My responsibilities as a sister, as a parent where a lot different to those as a nurse. I had always promised her things would be different once she was a part of us and I had no intention to go back on my word but I was going through the pits of hell stopping myself. So much so I couldn’t even find words to give her. I was going to let her walk back to her room and cut herself if that was the only way she thought she could manage.

“Mi. You don’t have to go. We are here. We don’t mind staying with you all night if we have too. You don’t have to do this alone at all. We can try things. Distraction. Simulated injury and anything else you can think of,” Emmet said softly getting to his feet but not approaching her as she shock in the hall way just outside our room.

 I could see the war inside her. The urge to flee was immense. I could feel her need; her utter longing to see blood. To feel pain. To stop the burning but she did not run. she remained on the spot swaying slightly from side to side her chest heaving up and down her hands crawling over her arms to find something to hold onto.

You’re not going to stop me?”

“No. You know the agreement. You should have gave the blades to us as soon as you got them. You know you could have always asked for one and we would have obliged but that’s neither here nor there now. You have blades and you have a choice. We will check on you every five to ten minutes if you chose to cut. Then we will sort them out and we will take you back to the unit. I’m sorry but we have no choice about the last bit but you need to know, no matter what you think. You have a choice.”

 

“I don’t… You don’t understand. You try but you don’t know what it’s like. I want it all to go away. Please make it go away.” Emmet moved then. No longer able to restrain himself to the spot and walked towards her. I couldn’t trust myself to move yet I was still far too close to demanding her not to. I knew in a way I was being selfish

. Emmet held his hand out to her as he reached her side but did not make a move to take hers.

“What if I’m sick?” Mi asked looking at Emmet's out stretched hand. She was desperate to take it but it wasn’t easy. “What if I can’t stop shaking? What if I pass out?”

“All those things can be sorted. You vomit we will clear it up. You pass out you will come round and we will keep you safe while you’re out and you will stop shaking. This will get better. You trust me remember.”

And with a nod of her head she took his hand.    

Trust her. (Esmees side)

Trust her  

Esmee

“Emmet. Are you sleeping?” I asked gently from my pillow as the numbers on the bedside clock ticked over from 12 59 to 1am. We had both been in bed for about an hour and Mi for two hours as she said she was tired and wanted to have a shower in a shower that had an opaque shower curtain for the first time in seven months. We had had a wonderful Christmas Eve all in all. There had been a few tears as we had placed the tiny new-born baby into her arms as she arrived into the house but she was soon captivated by the tiny little bundle like me and Emmet where. It wasn’t that she didn’t like babies she told us she loved them but she missed one in particular she could never get back and I felt her pain. Somethings with Mi went so deep I couldn’t believe her resilience. We had played games and watched Children’s Christmas DVD and she had helped me bath Mia and put her to bed with me at seven thirty. Mi was happy but still I couldn’t sleep.

“What’s the matter princess?” Emmet Asked rolling over to face me with a stretch. He had obviously been able to get some more sleep then I had, he wasn’t threating and I knew that neither should I but something was niggling at the pit of my stomach. Mi was brilliant at lying and on her best days she succumbed to darkness I had heard her say she was fine before. Fifteen minutes later I was pulling her unconscious body out of a bath.

“I’m worried and I can’t sleep. I want to check on her but I know I shouldn’t. There has to be an element of trust on both sides if this is going to work and she knows where we are and that she can come and get us any time. I mean your even wearing pyjama bottoms Emmet,” I laughed pressing the palm of my had up against his bare chest before letting my smile drop, but… she could also be dead.”

 

“We have to trust her darling. Or else she will never move on form the unit. I’m worried to. Honestly I am but it feels like we are braking something good if we go and check on her. I believe in her. You should to. I see so much of her in you and look at you now. The prettiest…” Emmet leant over and kissed my neck… “Most perfect woman on the planet. There again you always where to me.”

“You’re right. You’re always right. I love you.”    

******

The next time I looked at the clock it was three am. A tapping coming the corner of the room and somehow interrupted my dreams after I had dropped off after feeding the baby at 1 30 and changing her nappy. It appeared Emmet had heard it too as he turned over to face me one again

“What in the living hell is that?” He asked me his eyes still half closed

“Beats me.” I said turning on the bedside light and swinging my leg out of bed rubbing my eyes. I’m going to go and check on Mia make sure it isn’t her she’s been making escape attempts from her cot recently.”

“No you stay there I go.” Emmet said as the tapping got slightly louder. Emmet stretched as he got out of bed and gave a yawn before going over to the door and opening it before jumping a little hop backwards in surprise.

“I’m…I’m sorry.” I heard Mi stutter before her voice broke into sobbing just outside the bedroom door. The taping had been her knocking the door god knows for how long. She sounded desperate and unhappy like her world was falling apart and some and had been for some time.

I jumped out of bed in one fluid motion instantly no longer sleepy and went over to the door beside Emmet.

“It’s all right. It all right, Give me your hands,” Emmet said gently taking both her hands into his and leading her into the room. “Come and sit down on the bed for us sweetheart, come on.” Mi’s whole body trembled as she allowed Emmet to very slowly lead her over to the bed where she sat down.

 “Try and calm down for me, big breaths.” Emmet went down onto his knees in front of her and took Mi by the hands gently trying to look at her red blotchy soaking wet face. “Come on breath with me. In… out… in… out. That’s a good girl. How long have you been knocking sweet heart?”

“Abo… about… twenty… twenty minutes. I didn’t… didn’t want to disturb… you but… but… i…i…i… I really need your help.”

“Don’t be silly. You should have knocked harder and hollered if that didn’t get out attention. Never feel like that again if you need us you need us that’s what we are there for sweet heart.”

 “You’re… you’re not my nurses tonight.”

“No, we are your parents which is all the more reason for us to be there for you. Now tell me what’s going on.”

This seemed to be too much for Mi and she burst back into tears again. Her body rocking backwards and forwards on the bed. Her whole body shivering. I went over to the bed next to her after shutting the door and sat down wrapping my arms around her body where she clung onto me and Emmet got back to his feet so he could sit on the other side. It was heart breaking to see her like it in our own home even if I had seen her like it thousand times in the unit. It was meant to be a magical time it was Christmas and we loved her but it wasn’t enough and she was falling apart anyway and who new for what reason.

“I… I need to tell you something,” Mi whimpered her head pressed into my shoulder. “But you are going to be so angry with me.”

“Tell us sweetheart. I promise we won’t be angry,” I whispered gently fearing the worse all ready.

“Have you taken something Sweetie?” Emmet asked confirming that he was thinking along the same lines as me. “Swallowed something? Do we need to go to the hospital?”

“No. I bought razor blades while I was out though. I… I got them in my room… and…and I can’t stop myself from cutting. I’m… I’m so stupid.”  

Can i have a miracle?

Can I have a miracle?

I got back to the car just inside my twenty minutes after spending a good ten minutes on a bench outside of the teddy bear shop trying to calm my breath as it vibrated uncomfortably in my chest. I could have done it there and then a few small cuts. One for the pain, one for the anxiety, one for the joy. Just small cuts would have done no arteries needed to be breached. No stitches needed for the skin. I just wanted to see the blood. I wanted to know that I was truly me. Alive on this day at this year and going… home.

“Good timing. Two minutes to spare and all in one peace. Well done. Did you have fun?” Emmet asked. I nodded not trusting myself with words. It would have been easy to scream at them in that moment. I already felt on the verge of a full blown panic attack as my body trembled. Esmee’s eyes grew suspicious as she looked back over the car seat while I slipped myself into the back seat of the car.  

“Are you Ok?” I nodded again still not trusting speech but I made my gestures more enthusiastic. I swallowed hard at the nausea that come from panic and lying to someone who would have never lied to me.

Esmee scowled at me her eyebrows coming into meet at the middle. “Are you safe?”

“Yep all good just out of breath a bit. It’s the weather,” I said in a rush realizing that being mute wasn’t really going to be an option if I didn’t want to alert them. I also smiled showing my teeth even though it hurt to. I was so desperate to give up the blades to them I wanted to go back in time and un-buy them but I couldn’t I just wanted them so much. Just to be there just so I could own them. They were so oddly appealing to me. Like diamonds

.

Emmet Jumped out of the driving seat of the car before I had done talking and jumped in the back seat next to me

“Move seat Es big legs here,” He chirped as his les come up to hit his chin before Esmee slid her seat forward. And he relaxed fumbling around in his pocket for something. “Deep breaths Mi,” he said finding my blue inhaler.

I didn’t need it, My asthma was fine my chest wasn’t tight and I wasn’t wheezing but it was a good excuse for my fast breathing and I played along taking the inhaler twice. Emmet put his hand on my leg as he watched my chest rise and fall intently. I tried to calm myself. It was ok if I didn’t use the blade I would just be the stronger one and it wasn’t like I was trying to kill myself I wasn’t even certain I was going to harm myself. They were just there.

“Better?” He asked.

“Lots.” I said almost successfully pretending to myself that what I done was ok. “Thanks for that. I got what I needed. I’m ready for Christmas now.”

“Good well let’ get you home I know Mia is looking forward to seeing you and Esmee’s mum is going to be exhausted looking after her and a baby. She isn’t used to it,” Emmet laughed and I smiled. It had to be Ok after all it was Christmas and miracles happened.