(Esmee) I wil remember (Mi's side)

I will remember

I had no plan to the way in witch I would end my life. All I new was it had to be quick with no waiting around and it had to be a sure fire way. People found you with overdoses and cut wrists. Hanging was a good bet but I had no where to go it that wasn’t in public view and diving off of high things had the same problem. All I did know was I had one stop to make before I left. I had one goodbye that I could not do with out saying. My mum and dad needed to know that I loved them and I needed to see there face just one more time so I could make sure I remembered every detail about them. I wanted to see Mia too but I new if I set my eyes on my perfect daughters face I wouldn’t be able to follow with the rest of my plan and I had all ready made up my mind. She would be OK. She had the most amazing farther in the world and though I wouldn’t be there, a mummy who loved her to the ends of the earth. Also there was no need to see her again to remember her face properly. Her picture was permanently tattooed onto my heart, it belonged to her.

I got to my parents house quickly and stood outside trying to catch my breath. I wanted to enter composed and OK I wanted them to think that I was just passing by and I was popping in to say hello, not popping in to say good bye. I would have to find a way while I was in there to tell them that I loved them and that they made the best parents in the whole world, that they gave me everything and what I was going to do was not there fault. I also had to find a way of telling them that I was sorry, because I was, more sorry then they would ever know.

I scanned my eyes over the front of the house and tried to draw it as a picture in my head. This was my first proper home and I wanted to remember every little bit of it because here is where I would remember every one being. Remember the good bits. Like all the last two Christmases where we all sat in their little front room together, mum and dad on the sofa and Emmet in the chair with myself draped over him. Little Mia was there too of course the first time round in her swinging crib as she was just two months old , the second In a big box on the floor buried under a mound of Christmas paper and her third sat on top of Emmet’s head bashing him over and over with a toy drum stick. It pained me slightly to think of this years as I new I wouldn’t be there. Saying that there had only ever been enough seating for three, and i didn't belong so fully in Emmets arms any more.

Not bothering to knock on the front door because I always got told off if I did anyway I twisted the handle and let my self into the familiar sunshine yellow hall way my face in an uncomfortable smiling mask; I wouldn’t be able to stay long, it would hurt to much.

“hi, mum, Hi dad” I called up the hall so I didn’t startle them. It was good that t it was one of the days that dad didn’t work. the plan would worke better if they where both there, that way they could comfort each other whne it happened, remind each other of their daughters last words, so they remembered that i loved them. I know it woul still hurt them, but maybe not as much.

“Esmee, darling!” Mum shouted as she emerged into the hall way, her arms out stretched to embrace me but the soon fell back to her sides like she had seen a ghost. “Esmee…What on earths that matter?” She asked taking one look at my face before running up to me and placing her hands on my shoulders.

I hadn’t realised it till now but as I had been running to get here I must have been crying as well. I had been aware of a wet and sticky annoyance on my face but hadn’t made the connection to what it was. It now became obvious that they where tears and there aftermath on my face had betrayed me.

“I’ve left him mum.” I squeaked the tears coming back to clog up my throat.

“Left who?” My mum asked confused, it seemed completely ridicules to her, it would seem completely ridicules to most, every one said we where the most in love couple that they new and I suppose in a way that was true still. I had trapped him for to long though; I had to set him free.

“Emmet mum.” I said my voice braking as the same pain whipped up through my body again. “I have trapped him for to long and I’m not good enough for him. I have been to much for him.” I wept holding my face in my hands my soul crushing it’s self.

“Plus I don’t think he really loves me any more.” I stuttered almost wailing.

I wanted my mother to lean forward and wrap her arms around me. I wanted her soft voice, I wanted her passion. I wanted her to tell me that it was OK and that we would get through it. I wanted her to tell me that my life was still worth living. That it would be possible to survive with out him. I know it was stupid after I had so fully made up my mind to die but I wanted her to tell me to live, but this did not happen and my whole body went ridged as her voice became sterner instead of softer,
“Oh Esmee.” She huffed you know that isn’t true, You silly girl.”