Cruch (Mi's side)

Ok i am pretty sure i am down to something like two readers now but hay ho here is another update!!!



Cruch

It felt like the bottom of my stomach slipped out from with under me as my heart jumped up to start drumming in my mouth; how had I caused this, how had I managed to haunt her and cause the pain I could so clearly see in her eyes for though I had made mistakes I had never meant to cause her any pain.

“You told me you where OK that night Mi, you smiled and you joked around and all the time you had that blade on you somewhere, you had it all planed out in your head and you could of told me, I would of tried to have helped you Mi but you just threw it away; took me for a fool.” Esmee sighed closing her eyes against the tears that tried to force there way out of them.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered unable to get anything else out of my mouth though on the insides big lengthy explanations formed to try and put her mind at rest. I wanted to tell her that she had been in my mind as I slid into the water and she had been on my mind as I dragged the blade back across my wrists. I wanted to tell her that the time we had talked before I tried to take my life in the tub i had got closer then I had ever been before at choosing life and telling her all of my plans. In short I wanted to tell her that she meant the world to me but instead I remained silent.

“I found you in that bath, I knocked on the door and you didn’t answer and something inside me knew I was going to walk into a scean from one of my very worse nightmares and I wasn’t wrong of course because there you where under the water; dead. I thought you where dead Mi, did you not think what that would do to the person who found you? Did you think I would just shake it off and go back to work the next day after telling Emmet over the breakfast table?” Esmee asked her eyes still closed as her tone turned from sad to frustrated

“Yes actually that is exactly how I thought it was going to work.” I said honestly recoiling slightly at how accurate Esmee’s words where to how I imagined the aftermath of my suicide; “I never new anyone cared about me so why would it effect them after I had died?”

“You mean that don’t you?” Esmee said opening her eyes and allowing two big tears to slip delicately down over her high cheek bones and off her face. It seemed my answer had brought her back from the brink of anger to a placid all be it bitter understanding of my actions.

“I did think of you Esmee, and Emmet. Every time. Every time I do something to my self lately you have both been floating though my head and there is a part of me that would rather talk to You both then do what my head tells me but it is so heard to take the help. I mean if you had been suffering with a broken leg for sixteen years with no help at all then all of a sudden someone came along and gave you a cruch to help you get around would you know how to use it right away or would you still find it easier the old way? I am sorry that I hurt you though Esmee I really never meant to do that; I’m so sorry.” sighed lacing my fingers back through hers.

“I know my baby, I know.”