Knives of ice and sweetness (Mi's side)

Ahh i so loce writing this i have no idea why. This chapter is happy and sad so as always safty first
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Knives of ice and sweetness

Mi

Somewhere in the middle of the night my head found an uneasy sleep but it hadn’t lasted long and I woke again at about three in the morning. My head hurt and I felt sick as I always did these days but I did not move out of the bed. In light of my recant depression my anti- depressants had been upped again to what felt like an inhuman amount and now every morning before breakfast I had to swallow six bitter little pills. The constant sickness and nausea was cause by this but Dr. Jordan didn’t seemed to care much about side effects and prescribed yet more tablets to stop this and suggested that I kept same bowls in my room as I was mostly sick when I first tried to move in the mornings. He seemed to forget the fact that being sick was uncomfortable and draining not to mention horribly triggering.

The clocks had since gone back so the mornings where now brighter and the unit was soaked in an eyrie glow by 6am. Sometimes if I could find the energy in my self I would sit up pull back the icky speckled curtains and stair out onto the grounds. I used to hate the fact that the fence was so tall and the way the security lights flashed like they where on guard from where they sat proudly on top of it. I used to hate the fact the car park was nearly deserted apart from a few staff cars that would sit there as they worked the night shift in the unit but all those little things seemed not to matter any more. In fact I had become to welcome the enclosure at least in here you where safe from the crowds and demons that lurked out there.

Twice that morning I tried to persuade my body to get up and look out the window but the exercise of doing so had long become just another devise to torture my self with. Every morning I peeked down at the car park longing to see that gleaming red Nissan Note or that soft powder blue Honda Jazz looking back up at me but they where never there any more and it hurt too much to see there empty spaces in the head nurses bays.

As always the rest of the unit started to stir at about seven when the night staff where getting ready to go home at half past and the early shift where getting there bearings and taking there seats in the nurses station or by the doors of there sleeping ambers or reds like ghosts in the night, changing shifting and moving but always there somehow like magic or a curse.

More then once that morning I thought I heard Esmee’s soft and concerned voice asking questions about something or someone but this wasn’t so unheard of. My mind had fooled me and tricked me that she was there before and the same thing happened for Emmet as well. I could remember the day he first walked into my room at the unit and I was so scared of him and how now it seemed so stupid because if he was to walk in that door now I would run up to him, throw my arms around him and try never to let him go. Emmet was the closest thing I had ever felt to how a farther should be but I had lost him and I had lost another sister as well in Esmee. When would the world decide I had lost enough?

My body shook with silent sobbing as I remembered their faces and all the things they had done for me over the six short months I had known them. How they made me feel hope, how they had eased my hurting and how the fact I had allowed my self to become so intertwined with them that it could hurt this much when they where not here any more.

My crying lasted to 8am when the doors started banging open and nurses started calling out names to try and prise reluctant clients out of there beds. Some staff where loud and abrupt about it, smashing doors and pulling open curtains, some where funny and used tickling out of tune singing their favourite songs being Morning has broken and the sun has got his hat on and others where softer… well they used to be softer.

“Mi, come on Hun it’s time to get up and get ready for breakfast A soft deep voice whispered somewhere close to my bed when it was my turn for the wake up call and normally I would have shot up in seconds yanked open my curtains if they all ready hadn’t and scampered off to the bathroom with out saying a world but this morning I could not bring my self to prise my eyes open because for a moment I thought I had drifted back to sleep and for the first time in a long time a pleasant dream had found me. This was Emmet’s wake up call I remembered it so well and I wanted to hold on there for just a few more seconds in dream induced bliss.

“Come on sleepy head, it’s time to open them eyes; we’ve missed you.” I could feel my body tense as the sweet words drifted through me like knives of sweet ice stabbing somewhere into my chest and soon the tears had come back making my whole body shudder and shake as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter the tears dripping out from under my eye lashes and onto my all ready damp pillow.

“So your all ready awake, just can’t face seeing the world just yet then, well that’s OK you’ll get there.” The voice of Emmet said gently just before I felt the familiar hand on my shoulder and the tears came thicker faster and slightly noisier. This dream sequence had once again turned into a night mare. He was there but that hurt because it wasn’t really him and as always with my dreams they where not happy until I was screaming.

“Come on Mi, up you get. Let’s get you dressed and ready and we can have a chat after breakfast see if we can work out why you are feeling quite so down right now.”

Unable to bear it any more I opened my eyes to try and get the voice of Emmet to leave me, but as I opened my eyes he was still there, solid and real knelt down close at the side of my bed just like he had never left there at all. Like the three weeks of hell I had lived though never had happened, and even though I knew I was opening my self up to get torn apart all over again I couldn’t help it as I felt by body leaping off of the side of the bed towards him and onto his lap arms locked solidly around his neck as I sobbed heavily into his chest.