Getting to a new life can be tricky

Getting to a new life can be tricky

Esmee’s care air freshener was overpowering and stuffy as I crawled into the back of her Jazz and did my seatbelt up at about ten past ten the next morning. Esmee was excited and Jumpy. Emmet seemed to be almost proud as he overlooked me that morning somehow getting my breakfast down me. I just felt sick somewhere in the pit of me and prayed that the nausea would stay there and not rise unexpectedly when we were driving. There was no way I wanted to throw up in the back of Esmee’s car.

“This really is nothing to worry about.” Esmee said from the front seat in her bouncy voice her eyes glancing into her review mirror as the back of her head bumped up and down in front of me as she maneuverered her car over the uneven floor of apple gate houses car park. “You look as white as a ghost. You’re just going to be having a look around the house and your new room really. You must treat it as your home.” Her words made the nausea roll more in the insides of my tummy. She meant every word. She thought that it was going to be easy. That I was just going to magically fit in there like it was where I was meant to be. I wanted to cry. I was going to disappoint her. I always did. I couldn’t be perfect for her or anyone else.

I stared out the window and watched as we drove past places that I knew and shops that I had been in including the little pharmacy at the end of a road of shops a few streets away from where my mother now lived alone in her council flat drinking away her life and sleeping with strange men. That pharmacy used to be my place where I got all my tools. Razor blades and tablets all of which I looked for hope in. Now I was meant to be going to look for hope in a different place, somewhere where people loved me.

People moved so fast in and out of the places that they were going, different colour coats going about their lives, buying all the things they needed to go on. Christmas shoppers looking for presents and kids in prams bouncing up and down so quickly it made my head hurt, none of them new me or each other. None of them cared. All alone in streets full of people the whole world went by. None of them knew this would be one of the biggest days of my life. My tummy whirled harder and tears stung my eyes. I wanted to run away and get lost amongst them I couldn’t take it. I knew I should have been happy but I felt sick and I was aching and in pain. A yelp escaped from my lips as the tears tried to take over and Esmee turned out of the busy main road and down two quite residential looking streets.

“What’s the matter my love?” Esmee asked glancing once again into her mirror so she could see me “We are almost there now.” I yelped again the panic rising with the nausea inside of me as my skin began to crawl and itch. Blood solidifying inside of me, I bounced my legs up and down against the floor of the car and allowed my body to rock ever so slightly. Suddenly I wasn’t just worried. I was terrified and panicked and completely crazy and I wasn’t even there yet.