Heaven can wait

Heaven can wait

 “Right, I’m all done, I think.” Esmee said smiling as she pulled her chair back away from me and observed the neatly placed bandage on my fore arm. It had taken eight stitches to pull the skin on my arm back together again and about fifteen minutes in time. The pain it caused was minimal and a crisp white bandage concealed the wounds away. Over; forgotten with. Everything was calm for a while and back in its place. I could go on with life now.

“Mi you know I’m going to have to search you and your room right.” Esmee said gently reaching out and touching my hands with hers. The blue sadness swirled somewhere inside of me and bashed on the outsides of the fences I created with its fists wanting to be let in to overwhelm me again. However I knew this was the most likely outcome. Good things never really came from the side of a razor blade. I would have to pay the price for my few minutes of release.

“I could have guessed as much.” I moaned, my shoulders slumping into my body as the blue mist got through the gates and swirled around inside my head and down over my limbs making them heavy. I would need to take another pink pill to make them all go away.

“I’m sorry Mi, please don’t look so hurt.” Esmee moaned back her shoulders slumping into the same position as mine. “If you were living with me things would be different Mi I promise but here I have to follow the procedures and think of everyone on the unit. Some people aren’t as safe as you and if they found a razor blade.”

Red swirled into meat the blue and I bucked my posture up. The purple created a different feeling, Maybe it was a blue pill I needed to make it all go away. Maybe I needed both. Maybe I just needed a whole bunch of them at the same time. Maybe I just needed to get out of life after all. It would be more peaceful when I was cold, there would be no fight and I could see them all again and there smiling face. The blue was winning, I was falling and so did the tears.

“I am sorry honey, please don’t cry. It will be really quick and I will be the one to search you which means you can be confident that I have seen it all before, and then it’s over, and tomorrow I can take you home. There you can see your future and what it will be like when you are away from the hospital. Work with me and your observations can stay the same and nothing will change.” Esmee said her voice pleading with me.

Her voice worked well. It was a yellow colour like the sun and drove into my head and made all the other colours start to back away For a second it was a mess. For a second I thought I was going to drown and I yelped but soon she was the only thing there. Suicide meant leaving her and that was now too hard. Arabella, Bella and Oscar were up there but they always would be. They could wait for me. Beside Esmee was where I belonged for. I would live for all of them