Like a jumper i'm mended (Mi's side)

Like a jumper I’m mended

Immensely proud of me. The words seemed so stupid. What had I done to be proud of? It felt like I had no choice to cut myself but I knew even as I was doing it I was ruining everything. I had never before not wanted to cut  but that had made no difference really, I still had and Esmee still had by blood drying into the contours of her hands as she pulled me up the corridor towards the clinic room.

“How can you be proud of me?” I finally squawked as I sat down on the bench in the clinic. The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. I hadn’t wanted to ask her. I told myself to graciously except her praise but how could I when the rest of my body screamed at me that I didn’t deserve it? How could I when I so desperately hated myself all over again?

“There are lots of reasons.” Esmee said calmly smiling at me before she helped me to pull my Hoddie off over my head and her face fell into a grimace that she tried to hide. Three cuts were deep. The others not so bad but still bleeding proudly however my joy and lust for the blood had gone now leaving me hallow.

“I tried,” I whispered as Esmee pressed a wad of gauze down over the wounds to try and stop the bleeding. “I did try not to. I didn’t want to cut, I really didn’t. I just had too.” I moaned my voice cracking under tears again. “I wanted to stop and then you would love me and be proud of me. I’m a shit sister.”

“Mi, I could not love you anymore then I already do There is only one other girl in my life that means as much to me as you do and that is my daughter and I will always be proud of you. You have been through so much.”

“ I don’t want you to be proud of me because I was abused. It suggests that I can’t do any better then be the girl that was raped as a kid.” I moaned rubbing the tears out of my eyes. I was so tired of crying, so tired of everything falling through the cracks.

“That’s why I’m proud. For so long Mi you told us all that you were evil and deserved everything that happened to you. Raped or abuse was so far away from your mind it was impossible to even suggest it to you. I’m proud because you really tried this time not to cut yourself. I am proud because you came to find help. I’m proud because your body’s now healthy and I’m proud because now we hardly ever have to use your tube. You have come so far honey! Just over two months ago I was pulling you out of a bath tub. Two months ago I thought you were never going to wake up and now look at you. You’re a good weight. Your attitude about everything is amazing. You haven’t cut yourself in weeks and thats all you. We haven’t had to restrain you once.” Esmee exclaimed her smile bigger then I had ever seen it across her face and for the very first time I could see what she meant in some ways. I was not the Mi I was when I entered into this building. I was growing, I was changing and I was surviving. I didn’t seek for my death anymore, I fort after my future and it resided in a brighter place then the walls of apple gate house. Bella had once told me to keep being magnificent and I intended to be. However I still couldn’t shake the rain that hung over me in its cartoon cloud. I had still used my blades that I had horded.

“I still cut Esmee.” I moaned the rain chasing away all the sunshine that Esmee had tried to set ablaze inside me.

“That’s nothing, it’s mended with a needle and thread, like a jumpers is. It’s how you move on from this is that counts.”