Out of breath Mi's side

Out of breath

 “You’re not alone honey.” Emmet said speaking the words gently and moving his hands in a liquid fashion to match. I wished he would stop talking. I didn’t need the words. I couldn’t hear them over all the buzzing and whooshing inside my head and also he didn’t know a thing. I was alone. They had found every last one of them and it was like going back to the beginning when I was new and bladeless in the unit, when I was falling apart, When I wasn’t strong.

“You found all my blades.” I signed moving my hands in a blur of panic and fear as my throat began to close over and my Belly sat somewhere just under my gag reflex again. I urged onto my hand once trying to budge the vomit that was stopping me breathing. “I can’t breathe,” I moaned, “I feel sick and I can’t breathe.”

“All right Mi, it’s OK.” Emmet said gently, advancing towards me quickly and grabbing me hold by the shoulders “It’s all right, you’re having a panic attack that’s all. It will be OK.”

“It’s not OK nothing will be OK now!” I yelped my breathing now in hyperventilation which sent my head whirling around making the floor dangerously close to coming hitting me in the face again. He said it would be OK but he had no idea. I needed something to hold onto from my past. I was changing so fast and there was no sense to it. They were taking away the last bit of me that I could understand.

“I’m going to take her out all right guys.” I heard Emmet say to the lest of the room before he turned around to me and said “Come on,” with a quick flick of his hands before he pulled me out of my upside down bedroom pulled me in close to his side and practically carried me down the two flights of stairs into the clinic room were the anti-septic smell hit me like a wrecking ball and my tummy pushed upwards, Acid vomit burning up my throat into my mouth.

“I’m going to be sick.” I signed even though my hands were so stiff and shaking now I couldn’t get my fingers to go into the right position. Emmet got the idea though because as quick as lightning he pushed me down onto the doctors bench and throw a bowl into my lap just in time for acid to fall into the bottom of it, burning my mouth and lips as the pain gripped at my sides an cramped up my arms and legs until I had no choice but to cry out.

“All right honey, it’s all right.” I understand it’s painful but it won’t go away until you can slow this breathing down.” Emmet said gently, rubbing my back in big circular movements. “You know how to do it, in through your nose, out through your mouth. Big deep breaths.”

I couldn’t take big deep breaths; I couldn’t even take little ones. There was nothing I could do. The fact that I was pushing any air in and out of my lungs at all seemed like a miracle and he made it sound like it was easy.

“I can’t slow it down,” I wined with my hands even though they were so stiff now I could hardly get the shapes to form. “I can’t breathe.”

“You can, your lungs are completely clear and your oxygen stats are at one hundred, they can’t get any better than that.” Emmet said gently yet firmly again as he pointed down to the oximeater that flashed at 100. “You’re feeling like shit because the balance of Oxygen and Carbon dioxide in your body is out off, you need to calm down to get it in proportion because you carry on like this you will faint..”

“I can’t calm down!” I signed again banging my fists down against the mattress in frustration making Emmet leap forward and grab them into his. I growled, he sighed.

“Look how about we try it this way.” Emmet said letting go of my hands and going over the one of the cabinets and bringing out a white paper bag.