Ditto (Mi's side)

Ditto
“That doesn’t give me much hope to be honest.” I moaned bleakly rubbing my eyes with my hands as the sun got it them. “I will be on suicide watch forever.”

“You got to stop trying to off your self Mi, I don’t know you all that well it’s true but you seem like a really cool kind of girl. Issues yeah, but any one who says they haven’t got a few of those deserves to be in the room right next to use because they are deluded. Every one has their own private wars that they fight, why are you trying to kill the only person that can truly fight your corner?” Summer asked curiously letting her arms come to a rest beside her eyes scanning the aertex in the ceiling and smiling at something only she could see.

“I am more against me than any one else. These days people are mostly trying to save me.”

“How about throwing them a rope then? Giving them a helping hand?”

“Have you never felt like giving up Summer?”

“ Of course, how do you think I came to end up in here? I polished off a couple packets of pain killers and washed them down with vodka. You have no judgment from me Mi I’m just thinking aloud really. It just seems so funny how so many people would be happy to kill themselves but devastated if any one else did the same thing. Suicide is terrible unless you’re the one attempting it apparently.”

“I truly can’t believe you would try and commit suicide Summer. Your just fantastic.” I said allowing my self to smile as I place my hand on Summers Knee.

“Ditto.”

can you help me? Sorry no story just babbel

Hi there people Still engoying the storys? Sorry about the constant updates im just down and when i am down i like to write.

Anyway. I was wondering what peoples favourite quote was from either of the two storys. (If you have one) So i can use it on the front of one of my journals. I like to write journals and i decorate the front my self and i always name them with a quote that i like.

So far i have two, the first one name is All pleasure, all pain are one and the second is Be safe. i though for my third a quote from my story would be great but i don't know what one to use. So maybe you could give me a hand and tell me the ones you like the most.
Thanks, Love vikki

Just a bunch of symptoms (Mi's side)

Just a bunch of symptoms
The intensity of the outside hit me hard. The natural sunlight poring through the window the smooth paint of the walls that where hard and cold like they should be was almost strange and I squinted like someone had just turned a light on first thing in the morning.

“How are you doing?” Emmet asked gently placing a hand on my shoulder as he stepped out of the ECA behind me. “I will take you down then your free.” He added pushing my almost reluctantly towards the stares. “Doctor Jordan want’s to see you in an hour. Jacob is going to go with you.”

I couldn’t get any words to answer him so I just followed silently down the stares my fingers gliding along the shiny varnish of the banister towards the main entrance hall where I glances over at the shabby chairs where I first sat as Jean did my induction. I had lost count how many days it had been since then but I guessed it must have been coming up the four month mark.
“I will be checking every 10 minutes OK.” Emmet said gently as he led me though the door into another corridor where the day room and dining room where.

“You no the deal by now you sty in here until after lunch then you can go where you want except Thursday Fridays and the weekends.”

It felt like I had never really stuck to that rule some crises or another always kept me out of the way of the downstairs in fact I was sure I was probably more used to the shiny white walls of the clinic then the communal rooms.

“I will be around if you need me. Come and find me or any one else will help you too OK you just need to ask them if you feel unsafe.”

I offered Emmet a smile before I turned away and walked into the day room where most people had seemed to have gathered doing there various things. I had no idea where I was going fit into all of this. I lacked any concentration to read. I was hardly social enough to play board games and I am sure I would brake the computer if I was aloud within a few yards of it. So I decided the best thing to do would be to sit down and be still hoping that maybe I would camouflage into the shabby sofas behind.

“Where the hell have you been now!” Summer suddenly shouted throwing her self down onto the sofa next to me making me jump half way up to meet the ceiling.
“I am starting to think you are just a part of my imagination.” She laughed speeding her self out across the sofa like a cat stretching.

“I have been in apple gates exclusive.” I said smiling as I watched Summer playfully potted at the dust moats that danced in the sunlight.

“That sucks! How did you get banged up in there? To happy? To sad? Just plane mad? Don’t worry I will probably end up there soon enough. Apparently these days I can’t just be in a good mood I have to be manic. They have me on 10 minute checks just to make sure I don’t jump out the window because I think I can fly.”

“So you think you can fly?” I asked playfully relaxing a bit against the sofas stretching my legs out across the floor.

“No I can’t fly. As I said I am not manic just in a good mood. The trouble is once you get a diagnoses you can never be anything but a bunch of symptoms. So I am not summer any more I am Bi polar girl and I can no longer be happy with out being manic apparently.

All that i am, all the i will ever be (Emmets side)

All that I am, all that I will ever be.
“I Really liked this damn top to.” Esmee said growling as she through her cloths in the pile next to her.

“Esmee, hon.…”

“Mia is going to nursery tomorrow as well so I will have to go and get her bag packed.” Esmee shouted over my voice again as she held her hands up to the side of her face.

“Esmee, Esmee..”

I have to bandage up my leg as well.” she moaned looking down at her self as she grabbed the dirty laundry into her arms.

“Esmee, Stop. Esmee.” I soothed striding over the room to her pulled the luandy out of her hands and wraped my arms around her tiny body her head close to my chest.

“Emmet I’m sorry.” Esmee sobbed her body going limp in my arms “I am so, so sorry .” She sobbed her body convulsing with the tears that echoed around her body as she pressed her hands screwed up into my chest pressing her body closer to mine burying her face into my tee shirt.

“Oh my baby.” I soothed pulling her up closer to me planting kisses all over her head. “My love is all I have Esmee. I can give you nothing else but I will always love you. Your perfect every cell of you. I love every strand of hair and every bloody scar. You have nothing to be sorry for. You made the world bright. You made the air I breath taste sweeter. You made me see, you made me hear and you made me feel. You made me all that I am and all that I will ever be.”

Always perfect to me (Emmets side)

I loved writing this chapter. I am not sure why. I thik the meaning behind that one sentance at the end is amazing. Sorry i am blowing my own trumpet a bit here. Tell us what you think.

Always perfect to me
There was a part of me that didn’t want to go back to Esmee. It was a bad part and I could never listen to it but her distress was hart destroying and the bit in me that didn’t like pain told me to hide into the bathroom until it was over. For Esmee would eventually sort her self out I new if I waited an hour or two she would have changed the sheets changed her clothes and bandaged her leg and tucked her self into bed but I could never let her do that when inside she was braking apart. I would change the bedding, help change her clothes, bandage her wounds and then hold her until she found sleep.

Slowly I walked back down the corridor pausing breathily at Mia’s nursery door permitting my self to have a peek. Mia was perfect, sprawled out in the biggest shape she could in a plain white all in one with Mia written in the corner in bright pink. Her hair a mix match of her mothers deep red and my brown made it an off ginger and it was now sprawled behind her like an open fan.

“I love you sweet heart.” I whispered before closing her door again and continuing my journey back to Esmee.

Esmee was now flying around the bed pulling at the sheets throwing them into a pile on the floor.
“I got blood all over the sheets.” She muttered glancing at me before she turned back to the job at hand. “I have to get them into cold water before they stain.” She said moving faster as she yanked the duvet cover off.

“Esmee…”

“Or is it hot water?” She interrupted me still wrestling with the sheet
“Es…”

“I have to have a shower too I have it all over me as well and then I have to clean the bathroom"

“Esmee bab…”

“Of course I have to get out of this bloody stuff as well." she interrupted again pulling her top off over her head before unclipping her bra and then pulling down her underwear so she stood naked in front of me.

Of course naked Esmee to me had always been stunning. The same as clothed Esmee and any other Esmee that was presented to me but her body none the less told a less then beautiful story.

Her arms where covered in the raised white and red scars that sat as a jagged patchwork quilt to her skin, She must have had nearly more stitches in her then a patchwork quilt at some point and these scars had the little dots left next to the wound where the needle had gone in.
Her breast where covered in the same kind of scars though she had promised the day that she found she was pregnant with Amelia that she would never hurt them again.

“Being able to feed my child is the beigest gift I can give.” She had said to me and till this day Mia still got the occasional feed and she also donated breast milk to help other peoples baby’s who needed it the most. Esmee was truly born to care. Her compassion was without limits.

Esmee’s stomach also bared scares of battle. The biggest one being the cercal where her PEG had finally gone after the damage to her oesophagus that had nearly killed her and the other was the giant world “Fat” That she had carved deeply into her skin and now sat there against her perfect body taunting me daily. This was the only one of Esmee’s scars I truly hated and the only redeeming thing was the fact she had gone with me to a tattoo parlour and trusted me enough to let me decide the tattoo she would have done. So underneath the writing in an elegant black scroll the words “always perfect to me” sang out crushing the word above it. She was always perfect to me.

Stained forever (Emmets side)

to me it would be safe but it could trigger i supose so be carefule.

Stained forever
I was sick until bile hit the basin before I decided it was time I should stop. It would have been very easy to stay there and let my body continue to dry heave over as it tried to bring up bile but Esmee was the one it troube. I loved her but she couldn’t stand my love but what else did I have that I could give her. I could check her pulse or give her an ECG. I could give her a blood test or set up an IV with my eyes closed and my training meant I could giver some convincing stitches but she could do all that as well all I had was love for her and that in turn hurt her.

With still shaking hands and barely noticing what I was doing I cleaned my vomit up from the sink before turning my attention to the blood that was dripped onto the floor and smeared against the toilet seat before finally I picked up the small metal blade from the floor which now had my wife’s blood speared all over it.

“You cur my wife you shit head.” I growled at it crushing it in half between my two fingers before wrapping it up in toilet roll and placing it in my pocket.

When the bathroom was clean again an I got to my feet and examined my work you would never of know the horror that had just unfolded in therein there. Water and bathroom cleaner washed it clean away from the surfaces it touched but upon Esmee and my self this moment would stain forever. A moment that I would never be able to wash off of me.

I can't stand your love (Emmets side)

I can’t stand your love
With out really thinking what I was doing I bundled her up into my arms and carried her down the corridor to are bedroom before placing her onto the bed where I sat next to her and pulled her shaking body into my arms running my fingers through her hair and kissing every inch of her body I could easily get my lips to but still her body convulsed with the crying. It was not enough to ease her pain.

“Honey it’s Ok. It’ all right. It has been years and you have done so well and you fort that so hard. I could tell you did. No one could of tried harder then that and no one could of asked for more.”
“It’s never enough.” Esmee stuttered through chattering teeth caused by her deep painful tears “Stupid, Stupid, stupid peace of worthless shit.” She muttered to her self.

Every world drove though me like a knife biting into my flesh my organs and then worse the very core of me like someone was trying to cut my very soul away and for a second I thought I was going to sob to from the pain of hearing her insult her self with such passion.

“Stop, please don’t.” I begged my whole body feeling limp at the words. Did she have no idea how much she meant to me. How passionately and unconditionally I loved every cell of her. Did she really not know to me she was the most perfect of all gods creations. That I needed her more then I needed the air I breathed how if she ever left me I would leave to as I refused to live in a world where she didn’t. Did she have no idea that she and she alone was all that mattered.

“I. Cut. My. Self.” Esmee muttered her words firm and malicious. “How the hell could I possibly be to hard on my self Emmet?” She hissed scrambling away from me to the other side of the bed where she curled her body back up into a tight ball. “I don’t deserve your Comfort or your compassion where is your hatred and you anger? Where are all the emotions I deserve.”

With out her in my arms it felt they where burning me like someone had come and plunged tem into a lake of lava and her cool soft skin was the against them was the only thing that would put it out.

“Hate you?” I gulped the tears making my voice brake to a breathless squeak “I could never hate you baby.” I whispered crossing over to the side of the bed so I could embrace her against me again but she scooted away leaving a trail of red across the sheets.
“Don’t touch me.” She mumbled again “I…I can’t stand it…I can’t stand your love…. I don’t understand it.”

With that it was too much and I got to my feet in a daze stumbling back out of the door bashing my arm against the door handle before tripping up the corridor and into the bathroom where I grabbed hold of the side of the sink and retched my guts up into the basin.

Exactly her words (Mi's side)

If you arn't exactly sure waht the end of this chapter is about can i recomend rereading Esmee's fash back while she is talking to Emmet It should make better sence then. Enjoy.   :-)

Exactly her words
Edward and Ava left the room with a flick of there card keys the padded door once again slamming behind them encasing me in my padded prison which in turn somewhere made my heart rip some more, a sickening pain making my stomach retch and another sob to escape from my lips though I pressed them tightly closed.

“Hay, baby it’s OK.” Emmet said gently tracing circles into my back with his index finger”
“I can’t stand it in here.” I moaned “It’s like I am in a petting zoo or something and I know if you wanted at any second you could use that fucking magic piece of plastic you got and walk out of here and never come back again and what I hate the most is that really scares me. I never needed anyone until I come to this place being alone never scared me like it does now.” I sobbed unable to hide the pain that rippled through me.

“Shhhh, I wont leave you honey. I am going to stay here with you I promise I won’t go anywhere.”

“Trusting you is hard.” I squeaked. I did trust him I just had to wrestle with my self constantly to do it. Not trusting him would be easier and less demanding but with out my trust in him I had no one I was alone.

“I will just have to keep earning it then wont I.” Emmet said gently moving his big clumsy body onto the floor in a laying position next tm me so he could look into my face before he pulled the elastic of the mask over my head holding it in place and with both is hands he picked up mine and squeezed them tightly around it.

“Are the meds not taking the edge off of things at all?” Emmet asked quietly his eyes looking sympathetically into mine that silently misted over over again as I shook my head gently. Nothing helped.

“Do you feel worse?” He asked again squeezing my hand even tighter as the tears fell from my eyes and onto the outside of the mask.

“It has always been unbearable.”

“What is the feeling can you describe it to me?”

“ Rock bottom is a myth, you can always go lower. It hurts so much I have lost self preservation. As humans we are taught to fear and fight death but I would welcome it . Dying is not the worst thing Emmet, for me dying is good. For me it means an end to the hurting. I said softly allowing my face to smile as I thought about the end of everything I felt.. That was the only thing that would stop it now, my death.

“Exactly her words.” Emmet whispered to him self before he swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes tightly shut one single tear making a lonely track down the side of his face.

Realization (Emmets side)

Containes highly triggering content,

Realization
Her face wasn’t her own as she sat back her eyes closed against the cool toilet system as she smudged the bleeding lines with her index finger. She had changed in front of me and once again I had to support my self on the door frame and steady my breathing to stop me vomiting. I was not disgusted with Esmee but I was disgusted with the creature that now inhabited her mind and body and I was scared. Terrified that she may never come back. Petrified that she would leave me.

I had no words to say as I watched my wife spread the blood around her leg and then take the razor to her skin again causing another perfect line of red liquid to appear. She was young and fragile again. She was 16 year old Esmee. The Esmee that slashed her wrists in front of me and didn’t give it a second thought The Esmee that had given up.

Then in a blink of an eye it happened with the forth cut. It was deeper then the others causing the skin to split open and it hurt more. It was this pain that made her come back, it was the sudden pumping blood that dripped off of the side of her leg and onto the bathroom floor with little pops that made her eyes open in horror and her face to turn even paler then it all ready was.

“No. No.” Esmee stammered as she saw the blade posed in her hand and the blood dripping from her legs. “no.” She whined her panic rising as she dropped the razor to the floor and into the pool of blood with a soft ping.

It took me a while to learn how to move again to arrange my legs so they could stand independently with out the help of the door frame but she needed me right then and no matter how much she scared me her fear was worse, a thousand times worse.

“It’s OK.” I soothed drooping to my knees in front of her pulling a towel from the rail and pushing it to her leg. “It’s ok.” I promised though the tears seeped out of my eyes involuntarily.

“Emmet. Emmet tell me I didn’t, tell me this wasn’t me right, Right?” Esmee begged as she placed her blood stained hands onto my cheeks forcing me to long up into her tear filled eyes.

I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t her own fair had that had caused these wounds on her body. I wanted to ease her pain somehow but she new the truth all ready and I could never lie to her so I closed my eyes and looked away back to the towel that was slowly turning red.

“No!” Esmee shrieked her grief swallowing her whole as she drew her legs away from me and up onto the toilet seat wrapping her arms around them as she sobbed huge uncontrollable tears into her legs.
“No she wailed again making her ball tighter blocking out everything and everyone including me.

It's too late (Emmets side

Very very triggering.

It’s too late.
Esmee was a self harmer. Of course I new this and for a long time in are younger days I would spend to much of my time cleaning up the aftermath of a cutting session as she ravished her beautiful body with what ever she could find. She got infections almost weekly from using dirty tools before in the end I came to the very reluctant choice to by her some sterile blades. I hated doing that more then anything I had done in my life it felt like I was taking the blade to her skin my self but the infections where bad and this would stop them. I couldn’t stop her cutting her self hell I had tried, but I could stop the pain of an infection and fever ripping though her body making her vomit and scream in agony.


So yes Esmee was a self harmer but it had been years. Her scars where exactly that now, scars, a history of past abuse. There where no angry new cuts on her body these days that would make her cry out when ever I touched her or the fabric of her clothes brushed past them. She had recovered but here she was shivering and crying with a razor posed at her skin,

.“Emmet leave.” She hissed from behind clenched teeth her breath ragged and barley controlled. I new she was fighting hyperventilation. That’s what she wanted to do breath rapid and fast because she told me once when she got to this stage it felt like her chest was being squeezed closed and she felt like she couldn’t breath.

“No. No.” I babbled shaking me head feebly as I wondered if I could jump forward grab the bade and if I had to restrain her. It was selfish but I couldn’t clean her up again I couldn’t watch her pain. I had to save her.

I don’t want to do this in front of you.” Esmee stuttered pushing the blade in a little deeper to her leg. I grabbed the door frame for support. I didn’t know if I could stay there and watch her do it. I would try because to leave her when she was like this would be the most selfish act of my life.

“Then don’t.” I pleaded as the tears welled up in both my eyes. “Please, please don’t” I croaked. I new what I was saying where not the right things. I had talked teenagers down off of bridges and charmed razors out of there hands before in my job, but she wasn’t my job. She was Esmee. She was my life and my soul. My training wouldn’t fit here.

“I. need. To.” Esmee stated her breathing raising to hyperventilation now. the pain that must have been raging inside her now must have been almost unbearable and I wondered who long she had been fighting this urge. Since she left work. While she was in work before then and could I of changed it if I wasn’t late home. If I had been with her could I have helped before this stage?


“No you don’t. You know you don’t. This is a week moment. I get that. But we fort this Esmee and you won. We can fight it again.” I said my breath almost as frantic as hers as I took one more step closer to her.

“It’s too late.” Esmee moaned softly shaking her head as she pressed the blade into her pale skin and dragged it back causing a line of thick bright red blood to appear. Esmee breathed deeply than her body ceasing to shake as she picked up the blood stained blade and made another identical line of blood underneath hissing as the pain of the cut drove though her.

Trigger warning

Working late.
I worked late that night spending every second of it with Mi. It was that or I had to ECA her. The decision had been made to amber her for a number of reasons. She was scared, new, a self harmer, she also had little to no use of one of her hands and the fact she had fainted once made her a fall risk. I would of liked to disagree with crystals dishing but it would have been unprofessional too, if anything her risk should have had her at an red arms length but Crystal was lenient. Not something you saw all that often.

Finally at ten o’clock a whole two hours after the end of my shift I took Mi back to her room from the dinning hall waited outside with my foot in the door while she changed in pyjamas that where much too big for her and reassured her that I would be back tomorrow after lunch for the late shift and told her to ask if there was anything that she needed then left before my instinct as a farther kicked in and made it impossible for me not “to tuck” her in. Esmee probably would of and then finished it off with a round of her lullaby her maternal instincts where stronger then any one’s I new.

Going into the office the first thing I saw was the note on the white board written in Esmee’s cute writing. Her I’s dotted with happy faces and to many swirls on the letters that had tails. From any one else it would have been annoying after the long day I had. From her it simply made me smile.

Emmet,

I know you are really busy with Mi.

I do hope she is Ok

I was going to wait but my mother called and she wanted to go out

So she came and got me so I could take Mia.

We all ready miss you, try not and be too late home

All my love, Esmee. Xxx

My heart ached to just turn right back around again walk out the door jump in my car and go home to her where I could just sit on the sofa with her, her head on my lap with her thumb in her mouth and watch what ever DVD she wanted to. Or maybe she would want an “early night” together. However I had been the person to spend the most time with Mi and her folder as expected was waiting on the desk ready for me to fill out.

I took me nearly an hour to fill out Mi’s folder and time I got to the car it was pushing 11, so much for me not being too late home. I of course would of understood if Esmee was angry with me, but I new she never would be. She would praise me for being so caring to someone that needed my help.

At around quarter past 11 I finally pulled my car out side of the house and practically ran up the drive to the front door . Making my usual mistake after a day at work I tried and of course failed to open the door with my card key before realising the big traditional front door key would probably do a better job.

“ Esmee.” I whispered as loud as I could knowing that Mia would now be in bed. I tip toed into are front room expecting to find her on the sofa her feet up either napping or watching something that had caught her eye as she sucked on her thumb where I could swoop over and place a kiss on her lips and she would smile that amazing breath taking smile. Or if she was soundly sleeping I would scoop her into my arms and carry her up the stairs tucking her into bed.
 “Esmee?” I muttered confused as the colours of the picture of the TV flashed lighting the room but she was not on the sofa.

Realising she must have gone to bed and just left the TV on or she was attending to Mia I headed to the stairs and crept up them. When I first reached the landing I first heard her. Her soft little sobs of pain. She was crying, alone and in pain.

“Esmee! Esmee.” I shouted much louder now in panic racing up the corridor. “Esmee darling where are you.? What’s the matter? Esmee!” I shouted pushing open are bedroom door to find nothing then I went into the bathroom next door that wad alight with a soft glow the door agar with my little crying angel inside.

“Esmee.” I shouted throwing open the door ready to buddle her into my arms and carry her to the bedroom where I could hold her properly, but I didn’t do that, what I saw made me froze still. Panic sweeping over me and nausea gripping at my stomach. Esmee sat on the toilet seat in just her underwear one of the cases of my safety Razors smashed open at her feet and in her shaking had pressed between her thumb and middle finger she held a tiny silver Razor to the top of her leg.

No good byes (Mi's side)

No good byes
“Ava is friends with me OK Mi. Esmee and my self see her lots out side of work as well and she baby sits for little Mia all of the time and you know she means the world to us. She wont hurt you.” Emmet encouraged gently placing the oxygen mask back over my face again.
“Can you tell me why you are crying so much? Esmee said you where quite anxious last night but you didn’t seem upset, what changed?”

She left and I was abandoned that is what changed. I went to sleep and she disappeared like so many other things in my life, one minute they where there and the next minute they where gone. Most where OK, most of them I could live though most of them kicked me in the chest once and it was over with but this was like being repeatedly ran over by a car. The thought that I might not see her again that there where no good byes…

I struggled out of the mask and dry heaved into my hands the muscles in my stomach contracting into my thought. Me legs bracing them self’s up against my chest.

“OK Mi can we try and get you sitting up I don’t want you chocking if you are sick.” Emmet soothed putting his hands under my elbows and rocking me to an upright position making my head spin and black dots explode in front of my eyes making me sway forward as I fainted for half a second.
“Wow Ok maybe that was a bad idea. Emmet said as he caught me by the shoulders and my head snapped back in the opposite direction my eyes breathily rolling inside my head.
“Ok Mi I am going to lay you back down again if you think your going to be sick let us know though OK, and I really want you to try and let me keep this on your face it will really help." He reassured gently lying me back down and pulling me to my side facing him before he pressed the oxygen back to my face coving my mouth and nose.
“You have got your self in a right state my dear.” He said gently pulling my hair back out of my face so he could look directly into my eyes which made me close them his eyes where too kind it felt like they burned me.

“Have you got this Emmet?” I am meant to be doing morning med and I am all ready late.” Ava asked

“Yeah that’s no problem.”


“I am meant to be CCTV as well.” Edward said timidly.

“I’m fine here, I am free for a couple of hours now.” Emmet answered. “If I need you I will just dance for the camera.” Emmet laughed.

“If your sure I am sure I can get someone to cover.” Edward offered his hand coming to rest on the small of my back again.
“It’s fine. I am free for a couple of hours and then I’m doing the green obs, which will include Mi here I think Doctor Jordan said if every one was happy I could green her to 10 minutes at 11 and get out of here.”

Mi isn't safe (Mi's side)

Mi isn’t safe
I breathed deeply at the oxygen that werled around the mask before finding it’s way into my lungs but still I could not stop the tears. I wasn’t sobbing no more, my body couldn’t produce the sobs with out my head feeling like it was going to rip apart so it simply stopped though I wasn’t ready to give them up completely, I still wanted to scream because at least then it felt like I was rebelling against the depression that was swallowing me whole. At least I was screaming at it to go away.

“Deep breaths.” Ava encouraged gently as she watched my chest rise and fall still to rapidly and effect of the left over crying.
“Try and stay controlled. Ava added going to an almost wired hypnotic softness. Like somehow she was trying to lure me in before she attacked ripping at my flesh with her fingers and tarring me apart. I winced away scratching the mask off of my face so I could curl up with my head tucked in.

“Ava’s safe. Edwards safe, I am safe. Emmet said clumsily inching his way forward closer to me and gently pulling at my scrunched up limbs.
“Remember what I said about barricades.” He whispered again gently stroking my still sweaty hair behind my ear.

“There safe.” I argued

“Who are you scared of Mi?” Emmet asked gently again as he wiped the cold cloth towel back across my hair.
“You know Edward and you know my self well. Is it Ava? You can tell us Ava has worked here long enough not to take it personally."

I nodded slightly not willing to admit the real predator in the room. The one that scared me the most and that was the person curled up in the ball on the mattress. Emmet was right, he was always right, Edward was safe, Ava was safe and so was he but he forgot to mention the one person that I feared the most. Myself.

The colour is purple (Mi's side)

The colour is purple
Edward did come back as he promised along with a tall thin nurse in her early twenties. She had long Ash blond hair that went down to the middle of her back in tight ringlets and an oval shaped face. Her eyes where no distinctive colour but resembled a greyish blue she also wore golden eye shadow and a shiny clear lip gloss the made her plump lips stand out . I had seen her around the unit before but had never really had much to say to her always avoiding being with her for observations.

“Edward told me you weren’t doing so well.” She said sweetly in her velvet childish voice that would of suited a child as she bent down beside me placing the oxygen cylinder with mask all ready attached next to her before pulling the oxygen monitor out of her pocket and clipping it onto my finger the beeping of my fast pulse filling up of the room with life, my life. With out this pulse the pain wouldn’t exist. The void wouldn’t matter, there was no reason to stay. No mother who loved me, no farther to stay, no son to cherish, no Arabella.

“I’m Ava.” The nurse said sweetly interrupting the thumping of my pause around the room. “You seemed to have got your self in quite the pickle here. She had all the features of a paediatric care bare, she would of fitted well in the bright colours of the skylight ward even her tee shirt had a sketchy drawing of Bambi on it from the Disney film. If she hadn’t worked here in the middle off all this madness and desperation I would of swore that she never new mental illness existed.
“Esmee said that you had a rough night too.”

My stomach lurched as I heard her name and I wasn’t sure why but I couldn’t stop the retching noise rippling up my throat.

“Edward can you do me a favour and grab a dish from the bathroom just in case.” Ava asked sweetly as she twisted a knob on the top of the oxygen cylinder and placed the mask subtly by my chin, it had obviously made it into my notes somewhere that I acted irrationally towards the masks being over my face.

“This will make you feel a lot better at least physically if you let me hold this properly to your face Mi. All the crying is really giving your body a work out and your lugs are struggling to keep up.” Ava smiled showing her teeth that where neatly concealed behind a layer of train track braces.
“Maybe you could hold this mask to your face or let me or Edward if you would prefer I know you know him a little better then my self.”

I grimaced at the thought of the supple plastic sucking it’s self to my cheek bones at the slight anti septic taste the air tasted like as it swirled in my mouth and made tracks down into my greedy lungs. I had been told before by my parents that my lungs where greedy they wanted more then there fair share of the world around me and that I didn’t deserve it. To breath was a luxury that I didn’t deserve unless I paid for it by performing for daddy and his friends.
I wailed harder as the desperate confusion mingled in red with the deep blue depression that swirled in my stomach making one thick deep purple monster. I wanted the oxygen I wanted it because I new it would make the pain in my head and chest better, I new it would make the sickness fade but I didn’t want to pay for it and that made me selfish. I didn’t want to take up more then my fair share of the oxygen in the ECA in fact I wanted to take less, I wanted to be little and small and hardly there at all.

“Please.” Edward asked gently as he picked the mask up in his had and hovered it close under my chin.

“It coast to much!” I shouted pulling the OK that had tried to slip over my lips back into my mouth.
“They said that I breathed to much and that I had to pay! It coast to much what they want from me! I howled pressing my hands close to my face.

“Mi, they are wrong.” Said another voice entering into the room before scooting his giant body in between Ava and Edward his Emerald eyes looking directly into mine.
“trust me he added.” and immediately I removed my hands away from my face and let him press the mask up against my face.

Left alone (Mi's side)

Left alone
With out really realising I had gone to sleep I woke up curled up in a tight ball at the top of the mattress. I looked around the room for Esmee but she was not there, I was alone again in the windowless prison of egg box foam with nothing more then a dim night light aglow in the centre casting an eerie shadow over the room making me fear the corners that where cast in complete darkens.

Loneliness and a sense of abandonment throbbed like a hollow void in my stomach making my muscles tighten in agony until I felt like I would throw up over the floor. I would of done anything to have her just sat in the corner of the room again.

Unable to stop my self I sobbed loudly at the pain curling my self up into the same ball and rocking backwards and forwards my whole body shaking in the rhythm of my uncontrolled sobbing as my soul drowned in the deepest blackness and the nausea clenched at my stomach. There was no way of knowing what time it was or who was on shift but I new no one would come no matter who hard I cried. The person in the CCTV could simply turn off the sound.
There was no let up at the internal torture that ripped up savaging my body and I cried unstoppably even though my throat was sore and my head felt like it would explode from the tension that pulled across my fore head. If anything the more my head hurt the more I sobbed because I couldn’t take the pain.

I tore at the skin under my pyjamas with my finger nails but because I was known to use them as a weapon weekly they whey where clipped down so they could do no damage and even if they could of ripped open the skin it wouldn’t of made any durance. This pain was beyond the healing powers of cutting only everlasting sleep could calm me.

There was a beep of a card key opening the door and the main lights blinked into lighting illuminating the room around me causing the gray textured foam to become more prominent.
“Mi.” Edward said gently placing his hand on the small of my back which only cause my sobbing to intensify.

“It’s breakfast OK. Do you want some orange juice or something?” Edward asked softly going down to his knees beside the mattress.
“Is there something I can do to help?” He asked again gently like he was addressing a frightened abandoned puppy.
I shock my head feebly against the plastic of the water resistant mattress. That my hot sticky body clung to like a suction cup to a window.
“Can I just sit with you for a bit then, just for some company?”
This time I nodded I didn’t think I could stand him walking out and the heavy padded door of the swinging shut behind him leaving me alone again.
“OK. Should I sit here or go over by the wall Mi? What’s going to make you feel safe?” Edward asked again in the same gentle tone as he reached forward and pulled back the hair that was sticking to the sides of my face.

“He…here.” I stuttered loudly in between the waves of tears that consumed me still. I prayed for them to end but they seemed to not stop. Like there was a never ending supply of them backed up somewhere like I would cry forever.

Edward sat down on the floor close to my curled up body and looked over me not speaking just watching me closely as I pulled my hands up over my face and hid behind them, I really didn’t want to be left yet crying like this in front of someone was too embarassing.
“So, did something trigger this?”
I shook my head my breath shuddering in my chest.
“Well you are obviously very upset Mi,” Edward commented again. He said leaning forward and taking hold of one of my hand while resting his other hand over my fore head.
“Your boiling .” He said gently removing his had and getting up and walking over to the door to the bathroom In the ECA swiping his card key making the door swing open to reveal the shining white behind it. Grabbing some bathroom tiles from the dispenser he ran them under the water before returning to me and pressing the cool wet towels to my fore head. His face in a soft kind smile.

“I need you to try and calm down OK and I cam going to ask one of the staff nurses to give you some Oxygen try and make breathing a bit easier for you.” He soothed again before brushing his fingers through my hair again.

“Don’t leave me,.” I begged the panic rising in my thought at the thought of his back leaving into the sunlight and the padded door swinging shut behind him with a menacing click.
“I won’t leave you for long, I am literally going to get a nurse and come back with them OK.” Edward soothed getting gently to his feet before swiping his card key once more and slipping out of the door the click resounding behind him encaging me in my prison.

Amelia's song (Mi's side)

I hope this is OK, Enjoy

Amelia’s song
Dr. Jordan left me in the ECA for 48 hours for observation. He had said he found my behaviour concerning. I had protested and I had screamed feebly hitting my wrists against the padding of the walls and trying to burst out through the door but of course there was nothing I could really do he had all the power over me now. He was effectively god in the walls of apple gate house. I spent hours crying after my screaming had passed but eventually that passed as well and there was nothing.


I sometimes hard the faint calls of other patients in the hall way and the groaning of the food trolley. No one came to see me through out the days unless it was to open up the little bathroom at the end of the ECA so I could use the loo or to syringe feed down the tube in my nose after I refused the liquidised meal that was presented to me in a plastic cup. Apparently there was a chance of me trying to choke my self if I was given solid food.


Esmee started her night shifts the second night I was in the ECA where she spent the entire night in the corner of the room writing in folders and trying to talk to me but I had nothing to say. I felt completely destroyed and the dispersion had taken me to a whole new level, it appeared that rock bottom was actually a myth, something people used as a form of hope, but there was no rock bottom. Despair and depression where actually bottomless pits.


“You need to sleep MI.” Esmee said getting up from her position in the corner and approaching me I had been pacing the room for what felt like hours counting the steps in my head. I had got to 10,013 when Esmee took hold of my hand stopping me causing me to spin round and stare at her like she had just electrocuted me with her touch. Tears welled up and spilled down my cheeks at the sight of her gentle features but they didn’t really have any feeling with them I had not stopped crying inside any way.
“Your shattered baby girl and you need to sleep.” Esmee repeated gently raising up one hand and wiping the tears off of the side of my face.
“your body needs sleep to heal, with out it your not even giving it a chance. Let me get you some Zopliclone to take.”


I shook my head biting hard on the bottom of my lip before dragging my eyes away from her so I could keep pacing the room counting was the only thing I had left now.


“Come on, that’s enough Mi.” Esmee said forever persistent as she took hold of me by the shoulders and headed me towards the mattress that occupied the corner of the room and pushed me down onto it where I instantly started to rock back and forth.
“Lie down for me, come on.” Esmee said even more softly as she sat down on the mattress next to me and uncurled my limbs before pulling my body down to a lying position with my head rested in her lap. I tried to resist but my body had no strength left to fight. She could of done anything she wanted to me there and then and there would have been nothing I could do about it. I was once again someone else’s dolly.


Esmee smoothed her fingers over my tangled hair with one hand while she held on to my hand with the others tracing her finger tips over the scars that where on them while she sand very gently under her breath a beautiful lullaby that she had obviously made up for her daughter.

“Hush little Mia, don’t you cry For mummy is here tight by your side

For even when the world seems scary and big

And the ground begins to move form under your feet

I will be here to hold you tight and pull down the stars for your night light

So hush little Mia don’t you cry for mummy is here right by your side"

my love (Emmets side)

I apologize about the wierdness of the lay out but this is the best i could do the blog keeps scrambling it and it has taken me over an hour to get it to somthing readable. So i am sorry but try to enjoy i kind of like this chapter.
My loveI hated the summer heat. I also hated being cold. In fact I hated all weather and was annoyed that I had gone into collage instead of staying at home in front of my very large fan and drinking cheap pop from the bottle mostly because in my student house of testosterone filled boys no one new how to do dishes or every one was to tired to do dishes. What was worse was when I got my ass to class all i found was a big note saying that Mr. Montana was off with a summer cold.

I had just decided to give up with walking and turn into a well air conditioned cafeteria for a glass of pop from a clean glass when the sight in front of me stopped me in my tracks erasing all thoughts of cheap pop and giant very non energy efficient fans left my head. In the gutter was a girl, a very small very frightened little girl that was covered in blood and intent of causing more as she sliced into her tiny thin arms with a dirty used beer bottle from the gutter.

 I breathed deeply trying to steady my self and looked around helplessly for someone else to step in to save me from what I was seeing in front of me. The girl was thin to thin. The sickening kind of thin that Eating disorder awareness campaigns’ would stick in the middle of magazines and on pin boards to try and show what thy could do to people and I am sure this would of done the trick. With a trembling hand I pulled my mobile out of my pocket and dialled a number I had never really wanted to dialled from it. 999. I tried to remain calm as I spoke to the operator on the phone and looked around franticly for some inspiration as to what damn street I was on.

 “Is she violent Sir?” The smarmy woman who sounded like she should have been working at an air port check in rather then an ambulance call room asked down the phone in between chewing her gum.
“I don’t know she looks to ill to violent to be honest and besides I am about four times the size of her I am sure I can control it OK.”
 “OK sir I am going to send the police as well do not approach her but keep an eye on her and wait for us to get there.”
“Yeah fine, just hurry up.” I snapped snapping my phone shut and going slightly closer to the girl before bending down behind her and secretly wishing I had all ready done my on the job training at the psyceatric unit all ready, I had a feeling being book smart was not going to help here. For a start it looked like the last thing she would once right now was to be offered a cup of tee and a donut.” “Wow, honey, stop hurting your self. Give me that bottle OK, your bleeding a lot and I have to help you. Whatever it is I can help OK. Well I will try but you have to give me that glass.” I said gently slowly extending my hand out to take the bottle which she snatched away from me with a growl and hovered it over the main exposed arteries in the back of her wrist. I shifted back holding up my hands in a surrender.
“Go away unless you want the same fate as Ryan.” The girl snarled her hand with the glass in shaking violently just before she dragged the bottle hard down across the thin blue lines causing a jet of deep red liquid to spurt from the wounds spraying herself and myself and in the process. I gasped A s I looked down at my arms that where now covered in her blood and had to compose my mind. I had no idea with want to do.“I want to die OK!” the girl spluttered clearly
shocked by the extent of her bleeding but trying not to show it.I am not going back to that place!
"I don’t know where your from are who you are Honey but I have called an ambulance to come and give you some help. One because I am a student nurse and I am not going to lose a young girl before I even get my licence OK. Now I have to put pressure on that wrist and you have to tell me why you are throwing blood up all over the pavements and why the hell you are using a broken beer bottle to cut into your own skin!” I babbled talking to fast to make much sense but she seamed to understand as she dropped the glass onto the floor and scooted up on the curb to let me sit next to her.
Not sure what else to do because A I was not In a Sterile hospital with almost unlimited supply
and B because I had only every done this in before in a fake emergency with my class mates using fake vampire blood from the joke shop which me landed up eating because it tasted like strawberry I gripped the bleeding wound in my left hand and threw her writ up into the air.
I could feel her warm blood pumping forcefully against the palm of my hand and seeping through my fingers before dripping like rain drops onto the gutter where it gathered into a puddle. 
 “I’m Emmet by the way.” I said softly as I could trying to disguise the utter panic that was floating around in my stomach. “ Is there any chance of you telling me yours?” I asked ripping the bottom of my tee shirt in a long strip and attaching it around the various wounds on her arms. Trust me to ware my favourite tee shirt today. I thought mournfully as the blood soaked through the cloth.
 “I am Esmee and I ran away.” The young girl sighed while gently lifting up her hand and placing it on top of mine sending a shot of electricity up through my body. Her touch was gentle and smooth against my skin.
“Ran away from where?” I asked mentally trying to shake my self off this was no time to start getting all gooey and it wasn’t like I should have any emotional connection to this girl any way, I met her three minutes ago.
“Apple gate house. You know the new child loony bin. I ran away because they made me fat Emmet. I had spent my life trying to get thin and pretty and perfect and they shove me in there for nearly seven months now and put tubes down my nose and they make me fat and nasty and horrible.”
 “You think your fat?” I stuttered unable to except what had just spilled out of her lips. If it was Suzie my closest friend I would of I would of slapped her hugged her then forced a sandwich down her throat of course Suzie wasn’t in the grips of severe Anorexia and didn’t really believe she was fat, nasty and horrible. Then the real problem with Esmee’s statement stuck me like a blast of wind almost knocking me off of my feat. “What?” A tube in your nose” Esmee you had an NG?” I Shouted gripping Esmee by the shoulder and spinning her around so I could look at her face properly hoping that I had just missed the tiny little tube coming out of her nose but there wasn’t and her nose was bleeding too not a good sign that the tube had been removed in a safe way.
 “Esmee there is no NG in you nose now what the hell happened? I shouted again making her cower slightly her perfect ebony coloured eyes squinting slightly, her thin lips turning down at the ends as she pulled her shoulders up to reach her chin making me instantly regret raising my voice.
 “I tore the stupid thing out OK!” Esmee suddenly yelled her eyes filling with moisture that that she forced back down also a line of bright red blood escaped over her lips causing her to cough more blood into the gutter which probably meant she had ruptured her oesophagus. Which I new really wasn’t good.
“because I am screaming OK!” Esmee suddenly shouted flinging her arms up into the air causing more blood to spurt out of the laceration on her wrist which I grabbed again quickly applying pressure“and I am screaming inside and I can’t stop and there is nothing else left in me and you know what I really want to do Emmet! I want to snuggle up in that over muscular chest of your and I want to cry until I have no more tears left in my body but I can’t do that A because you are one of the hottest men I have ever seen and I am a fat stupid loony child that has run away from the mental unit and B it has been so long since I actually cried I think I have forgotten how!” Esmee yelled before vomiting more blood which made her begin to choke. I glance around anxiously for the ambulance but there was no sign.
 “Right, Esmee shut the fuck up for a bit and open your gob!” I said leaning forward and trying to hock open her mouth with my finger so I could look down her throat.
 “What get the hell off of me!” Esmee yelled slapping my hand away from her which almost made me laugh, she was cute.
 Esmee Open your damn moth all ready! I need to check your throat if you have pulled your NG out you might of ruptured your oesophagus and you might be bleeding out which means you might die and I don’t want that to happen.” I stated as I felt the blood gently pool through my fingers.I sighed and ripped another strip off of my tee shirt and tied it tightly around Esmee’s fore arm just above the wrist trying to cut the blood supply off to that part of her arm as the pressure clearly wasn’t working.

"Well I am scared of you dying OK Esmee. I am really scared.” I said surprised by how my voice shock and my eyes filled with water that I had to push away. “You have an arterial bleed in you wrist, you could be slowly drowning in your own blood and there are wounds on your hips that go down to the bone which means you could die from an infection! Hell Esmee it will be a damn miracle if you don‘t die right now and I do not what you to die in my arms! You are what 14 years old, you are too young to die."
“16!” Esmee spluttered before sneezing which caused blood to start pouring out the end of her noise and the sides of her mouth. I ripped another piece of my tee shirt and tried to wipe the blood away from her face as the tears escaped over my eyes and down my cheeks.
“Well I am 19 OK a whole three years older then you and I am sure as hell too young to die so by default that makes you too young to die OK” I shouted panic crawling up my throat causing my breath to come shallow. “
Esmee sighed trying to comfort me as she rested her cheek against my chest.Emmet I have felt like I am dead inside for so long. Hell I am such an emotional freak now that I can’t even cry. So dying is not the worst thing Emmet, for me dying is good. For me it means an end to the hurting.”
 “You can not die Esmee OK! You just can’t!” I snapped unwilling tom let her go.
　"why?” Was the simple answer I got back as her bottom lip quivered like a puppy from a cartoon before a tear trickled down over her face. She was asking for a reason to fight, asking for a reason to stay and the only one I had would maybe not be enough. It was because I loved her, I loved her all ready, unconditionally, and I new that now I had found her I could not live in a world where she didn’t.
“Esmee do you believe in love at first sight?” I asked turning her body around in my arms so I could look into her sparkling onyx eyes.
 “Why? What has that got to do with me dying here?
“Everything!” I shouted unable to control my feelings any more, she had no idea how I felt for her“because I thought the whole idea was stupid and irrational and something designed to sell Hollywood movies but then I came across you sitting in the street and I see your face and those beautiful black eyes and all that changes in an instant because I do believe in it now. I believe in it because I have set my eyes on you and I love you Esmee! I love every damn part of you so that is why you are not aloud to die because I just know you are the half that will make me whole and with out you I never will be!”
“ The I will survive.” Esmee mumbled before her eyes closed in what looked like deep sleep and I burst into tears burying my face in her warm hair.  

Damaged (Emmets side)

Damaged.

“Mi, Mia! Open your eyes for me Mia!” I yelled as I bundled her body back up onto the doctors bench and smashed the RRA with my thumb causing the light to blink very fast telling me all over the unit people would be responding to their alarms.

I hated to say it but even with years training in the A&E I couldn’t help but feel panicked. There was a good chance of me having to do CPR Mi was a walking time bomb and I thought I had just witnessed her go off. I had preformed CPR on someone very underweight once before and it was the most disgusting terrifying thing that I ever had to do. CPR on TV is portrayed very badly as is any death seen. There is always a nice clean pale human lying on her back while some over good looking doctor presses lightly on the chest in his very clean crisp scrubs with not a hair out of place on his head.. In reality there is a team of people each sweating with scrubs covered in the patients Vomit, urine, poo and blood. Every person taking a turn on CPR as it is a tiresome thing. the idea of it is to manually pump the heart to keep blood flowing around the body and oxygen going to the brain. The heart however is under the ribs, so you have to go through the ribs, ever rib cracks and breaks as you but your whole body weight behind every compression on the chest to get past the ribs to the heart and your job is not to feel as you hear every one break as your hand pushes through them. This of course is worse on someone who has no fat or muscles covering their ribs because every rib that is broken deforms and can be seen and felt through the skin. There is no doubt about it. CPR may save a patients life but it would leave them broken and Mi was all ready to broken, to hurt and to fragile for my heavy hands to brake all of her delicate ribs too.

“Yep, I’m here.” Esmee yelled as she swiped the card key in the door and stuck her head around the corner “What can I do?” I looked as Esmee’s face and closed my eyes begging her for someway to save me from the situation I was in. I had frozen solid In my stupid panic when is should of been doing something.

“What Emmet? What?” Esmee shouted running in to the room faster then I had ever seen any one run before.

“Just help her, she collapsed and she needs to be helped.” I stuttered taking five steps back towards the cabinets on the other side of the clinic room.

“Collapsed?” Esmee yelled doing what I should of done and ran over to Mi who was still lying lifeless on the bed her eyes closed, she looked peaceful to peaceful and I hated it.
“Emmet can you get me an oxygen mask please.” Esmee asked sweetly as she stroked the hair back off of Mi’s face with one hand and checked her pulse with the other before smiling sweetly and lowering her head to her mouth listing to her breath.

“I was scared Esmee, So scared.” I stuttered griping onto the cabinets behind me just so there was something to hold onto. “I thought it was her heart, I mean look at her she is so fragile and then she just collapsed and I didn’t want to do CPR, to break her ribs and beat up her body like that…”

“Emmet.” Esmee said softly smoothing Mi’s hair once more before turning and coming towards me and placing her hand on my chest while looking up into my eyes with hers Her eyes where sparkling and stunning, they where also sedating and they melted my soul causing all the anxiety slip away.

“Emmet, she has fainted that’s all and she may look fragile but looks can be deceptive. Remember I was fragile once.”

“Esmee I watched you almost bleed to death in front of me, you where fragile, I almost lost you and that is one of the most scary things i will ever have to go through."

Shooting down santa (Emmets side)

I once again appologize for the wiered size of font and the lay out. I have tried to correct it but it just throws a paddy. Maybe i could sugest A magnafying glass? Sorry

Shooting down Santa

“So then where are we off to now?” I asked Mi trying to pull a happy smile across my face and making the offer of my company sound as tempting as possible because if she accepted it I wouldn’t have to inform her that my offer of company was actually something she couldn’t refuse. Weather it was right or wrong I had took the decision to raise Mi’s observations for a short while. “The others are probably in the lounge watching the soaps on the TV, Of course some might be in there rooms reading. Or there’s board games and crafty things down stares we could have a crack at. I don’t mind What do you like to do in the evenings?” I asked trying to give some instruction on what evenings in the unit where actually like and believe me I tried to make them more exciting then they actually where.

“What … I mean… What do you mean we?” Mi asked confused at the same time crushing the hope in me that I was going to be saved from having to crush her again. I didn’t want to crush her but I did want to do what was right for her, and more then anything in the world I wanted to keep her safe. Even if that meant protecting her from her self.


“Mi I have put you onto Amber Obs for an hour. It’s a constant observation. A member of staff will have to be with you at all times for the next hour. Watching you, and seems I’m on your obs that person is me. I essentially have to be weather you are.” Mi’s face now looked like I had shot down the tooth fair and the Easter bunny as well. All I would have to do now was announce that Mickey mouse was a man dressed up in a costume and I could of got my pitch fork out and descended to hell as the devil himself. I wanted to cry again.


“Oh come on!” Mi suddenly snapped as the deep despair on her face morphed into anger which caused my hand to inch towards RRA that glowed on my wrist before I reconsidered. Anger wasn’t neserceraly a bad thing. At least she was feeling something and letting it out rather then locking it up somewhere inside of her.

“Mi your going to hate me by the time the night shift comes on this evening.” I sighed and the look on Mi’s face dropped like a child’s face would if I went up to them on Christmas Eve and announced that Santa clause wasn’t real, I also felt as bad too. “I mean what the hell do you think I’m going to do!” “It’s not like I can do anything to my self! I was searched on arrival remember?” Mi snapped her face turning red.” I mean come on she took the belt off of my dressing gown! What else could happen? I mean wouldn’t it be just awful if I got a horrible disfiguring scar! Oh I forgot I all ready have one of those any way. I am ugly, I am fat! Which your all intent on making me fucking fatter! I have no use of one of my arms and, and I fucking hate my self. So I try to kill my self and I can’t even do that right, then to top it all off I end up here.” Mi roared clutching the bench below her so tight with the one hand she could that the fingers went a shiny white colour and her chest rose and fell unsteadily as she tried to get enough air back into her tiny body.


“Oh Mi Moo I wish I could make you feel better.” I said gently trying to offer any little comfort to her that I could, but I got the complete opposite. For the briefest Of seconds Mi looked up at me before her face lost all colour and her body swayed on the doctors bench.


“Mi, are you feeling…?” but there was no time to ask the question before her eyes flickered shut and her body went limp while toppling forward off of the hospital bed towards the floor.
“Mi!” I yelled once more shocked before I pulled my self together and as quick as lightning shot forward to catch her lifeless body in my arms. 　　
　　

For him I survived. (Mi's side) (Esmess POV flashback)

Ok So i know this is a bit wiered but i wanted to get a chapter like this in one of the storys somewhere and it seemed to slot in quite well here. So this is Mi's story but is Esmee's flash back so it is told from her point of view. I hope that makes sence and i hope that it is good, enjoy.


For him I survived (Esmee’s POV flashback)

My breath caught over and over again in my chest as I peered down in to my underwear there was no way I could be seeing what I was seeing. They still said I was thin. That I was very thin for what I should be. They changed the dressings on my hip bones every day because they told me if they didn’t they would become infected. They told me the only reason my hip bones needed the dressings where because there was no fat or muscles to protect the fragile bones underneath and the cotton on my trousers where rubbing away my lifeless flaking skin. They told me all the emergency drip feeds and Tubes up my nose where important just because with out them my fragile hart would stop beating. That the times where they kept me on one to one observations confined to a bed using a commode because even the little effort of me getting to the bath room would burn calories that I just couldn’t afford to lose was because those few calories where a matter of life and death. They said that I was tiny and little and that I was dying, that one day my heart would shudder and die because there was nothing left to keep it going any more but here was the thing that chewed me up inside, they where all lying. Very thin people didn’t have a menstrual cycle. Dangerously thin people didn’t get periods. I was fat. They had lied and I was to hurt to bounce back from it.

I screamed silently into my hands. I wanted the tears to flow. The ones that where forever stuck in my soul eroding everything that I could hold onto. The ones that where forever stuck there and no matter how hard I tried I could never cry them out either because I didn’t want to or it had been so long I had forgotten how.

Shaking I grabbed a tampon out of my bag and with shaking hand inserted it causing pain to ripple up through my entire body. Retching with the pain I fell to the sink and hold on for dear life so I didn’t fall to my knees screaming.
It was then that I saw it sneering at me from the stupid unbreakable mirror in front of me. The tube that crept up my nose and hung over my left ear the white surgical tape criss crossed just under my eye.

Anger seeped through ever part of me replacing the pain that had once been there. The tub was what had done this to me what had turned me even fatter then I all ready was. The tube had ruined everything, because of that tube I would not die from malnutrition because of that tube I was falling apart inside and there was no hope of me dying to escape the pain. The tube had to go.

With shaking hands I ripped the tape off of my face and yanked down on the tube making the the splitting pain come back again but I didn’t care I was doing what I should of done a long time ago. I was talking back my controle. I pulled again this time harder which started the gagging but I kept on going untill the last of the tube was out and lying bloody in the sink in front of me and then came the sickness the heavy retching sckness where I spat more blood then I had ever seen before into the sink in front of me.

“Little Monster. I am coming in little monster you know there is no way I can stay out here and let you make your self sick. Do you want to land up on bed rest again.”

“I am called Esmee!” I shreakled wiping the blood of of my face but only smeered it worse as the blood began to drip out of my nose as well.

“Just because my last name is monster doesn’t mean you get to make up stupid nick names.!” I screamed as the keys rattled and Ryan one of the staff nurse came stumbling through the door tripping over his own feet in the process.

“Esmee. Yor bleeding lots OK, you need to let me help you.” Ryan said stopping completely still in the door way holding his hands in the air like I had a huge gun drawn and ready to fire at him if he moved any closer.

“No!” I shouted my hands shaking as I leant over to puke more blood all over the floor and onto my feet. Nearly falling over as the agony struck again.
“I am leaving right now.” I stammered before regaining my composure. “I hate this OK. I hate this unit and all you creepy nurces so why don’t you just hand me your damn keys so I can get out the damn front door and away from here! They told me that Apple gate house was a bright and shiney new unit to help people like me and guess what it hasn’t Ok. It have been here over half a year now and nothing has changed! so I am leaving Ok. So give me your fucking keys!” I yelled thrusting my hand out in ryans direction so he could hand over his keys.

“You know I can’t let you do that little monster. I have to stop you.” Ryan said heading towards me ready to pull me down to the ground but I had been there to log. I had done it far to often and I new where to hit a man the hardest and With out thinking I thrashed out with my legs and landed a kick right in the crouch.

“You little bitch!” Ryan yelled at me as he fell to the floor curling up into the fetel position on the floor so I took my opportunity to grab his keys and head for the front door. I new the key they all used for the front door and once I was out there was nothing stopping me I was free and I new what I needed to. I needed this to be the end.

Breathing fast I tripped to the top of the stares before vomiting two more huge mouth fulls of blood over the new carpet. Then I stumbling down the stares leaving a trail of blood as I weant. I new my desternation and I new why I had to get there but everything moved to slowly, there where two many stares and I couldn’t run as fast as I should to get to the front door.
“Esmee. Esmee stop you are bleeding badly and we need to take a look at it.” Ignoriing the chiming Of Mandys voice that was now heading closer to my direction I rattled through the keys with shaking hands. They where all kept together on a big metal ring, the kind of keys that presions guards taunted their prisoners with by spinning them around on there fingers just outside of their reach and the nurces did this all the time to their patients in here too. They treated us like animals that they could lock up and release when they wanted to. We where nothing but there toys.

From behind me a hand came forward over my shoulder and grasped the hands around the keys before trying to tug them out of my hands which made the sharp edges of the keys dig into the flesh on the palms.

“Get off of them! Get off! I shouted

“Esmee you arnt aloud toi have these keys and I can’t let you leave the unit.” Mandy growled before tugging the keys one finel time causing them to cut big lines into my flesh before they left my hands.

With out thinking what I was doing I reacted and punched out hard landing a blow right in the middle of Mandys nose which caused a crack and blood to spurt from it in all directions. She also dropped the keys onto the floor so she could swear loudly and cup her hands over her heavily bleeding nose.

“I’m sorry OK.” I mumbled going to my kness and grabbing the keys from the floor “I don’t like to hurt people, but I have had enough and I need those keys. Mandy and I couldn’t let you ruin that, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt it to badly and I’m sorry.” I moaned trying yet another key in the door the only diffrance was this one let the lock lose with a satisfying click before opening and letting the world outside flood in the door.

I recoiled back into my self at all the sounds and the smells of the out side world come up to smack me right in the face I had been inside too long. Inside a prison where the windows opened just a crack and the staff talked to you like you where likely to respond by dribbling and a series of one syllable sounds. The strange thing was though there was a part of me at that moment that considered closing the door with me still back inside the building. It almost seemed to scary.

“It’s Esmee! Yes little monster Esmee! She has keys! She is bleeding!” Shouted the staff behind me to each other as Mandy tried to make a grab for my ankle.

“the little monster is leaving.” I whispered taking one last look over my shoulder before pushing my body out of the door and into the heat of the July sun running.

My body didn’t want to run, I felt far to week to run and every time my feet hit the floor my stomach clenched and I vomited more blood down over my front onto the pavement but I run anyway. I new the staff wouldn’t take long to compose them self’s and I new they would try to catch me, I also new I didn’t want to be caught. I could not deal with the pain any more.
The two dressing pads on my hips pulled at my skin and with every step I felt the skin rub off and the blood start to drip down onto my underwear but still I kept on running. I needed to keep on running. I didn’t know where I was going or how I was going to get there but there was no way I could get caught again, there was no way I could just go back there and let them shove more drips in me, let them keep me confined to a bed where they could make me even fatter then what I had all ready become.

After I ran for what felt like a long time my body came to a stop before my mind wanted to and I bent over into the gutter throwing up over and over again spraying blood over my self and the gray gravel underneath. Every part of my body hurt and I could barley breath from the blood that gathered in my throat but it hurt to much to keep expelling it over the floor. This time I was really drowning in my own blood, in my own panic, that was when I saw the sharp edges of the broken beer bottle looking up at me from the gutter and I new what to do. With stumbling bloody hands I reached out and grabbed at the bottle. It had always helped me before and what did it matter if I didn’t right now there was nothing else left anyway it all ready felt like I was drowning in my own blood, if the cuts killed me it would be a relief. If the suffering would just disappear for one tiny minute it would be worth it. I was done. It was over.

The glass cut deep into the thin skin on my arms and the blood flowed quickly out onto the pavement and over my clothes but still there was nothing more I could do apart from keep cutting longer and deeper cuts into my arm with every cut the pain slipped away With every long deeper cut the feeling that I wanted and grew to love took over my senses and all I new was I wanted more. Needed more.


“Wow, honey, stop hurting your self. Give me that bottle OK, your bleeding a lot and I have to help you. Whatever it is I can help OK. Well I will try but you have to give me that glas" 

“Go away unless you want the same fate as Ryan, I growled slicing the bottle hard down on the inside of my wrists causing a jet of deep red blood to spurt out across the gravel and into my eyes. “I am not going back to that place! I want to die OK.”

“I don’t know where your from are who you are Honey but I am calling an ambulance and I am going to get you some help. One because I am a student nurse and I am not going to lose a young girl before I even get my licence OK. Now I have to put pressure on that wrist and you have to tell me why you are throwing blood up all over the pavements and why the hell you are using a broken beer bottle to cut into your own skin!” The same man said gently before crouching down next to me and squeezing his hands hard against the gapping wound in my wrists but the blood kept pumping out any way trickling through the cracks in his fingers like sand through a fist.

“I’m Emmet by the way.” The man said softly before ripping the bottom of his tee shirt and making make shift bandage around the wounds on my arms. “Is there any chance of you telling me yours?”

“I’m Esmee and I ran away.” I sighed everything crushing down on my chest as I placed my good hand over the top of Emmet’s hand.

“Ran away from where?”

“Apple gate house. You know the new child loony bin. I ran away because they made me fat Emmet. I had spent my life trying to get thin and pretty and perfect and they shove me in there for nearly seven months now and put tubes down my nose and they make me fat and nasty and horrible.”

“You think your fat?” Emmet asked shocked. “What! A tube in your nose! Esmee you had an NG!” Emmet yelled spinning me around to face him. “Esmee there is no NG in your nose now, what the hell happened?” Emmet shouted shaking me roughly by the shoulder like she was trying to rattle the words out of me.

“I tore the stupid thing out OK!” I yelled causing more blood to escape out the corners of my mouth.
"because I am screaming OK! I am shouting and I am screaming inside and I can’t stop and there is nothing else left in me and you know what I really want to do Emmet! I want to snuggle up in that over muscular chest of your and I want to cry until I have no more tears left in my body but I can’t do that A because you are one of the hottest men I have ever seen and I am a fat stupid loony child that has run away from the mental unit and B it has been so long since I actually cried I think I have forgotten how! I yelled shaking Emmet’s hand of my shoulder before coughing up more blood onto the floor in front of me.

“Right Esmee shut the fuck up for a bit and open your gob!” Emmet shouted over me as he tried to hock open my mouth with one of the fingers on his three hand.

“What? Get the hell off of me!”

“Open your damn moth all ready! I need to check your throat if you have pulled your NG out you might of ruptured your oesophagus and you might be bleeding out which means you might die and I don’t want that to happen.” Emmet said firmly trying to make a tourniquet out of the rest of his shirt to stop the blood pumping so fast out of my wrist and into the gutter next to me.

“I am not scared of dying Emmet, in fact I would quite like it.” I soothed letting me lips curl up into a smile before I puked more blood onto the gutter in front of me making me feel like my chest was actually tearing in half from the pressure.

“Well I am scared of you dying OK Esmee. I am really scared.” Emmet said his voice shaking as he used one of his fingers help remove the congealed vomit out of my mouth and onto the street while I slumped back heavily into his body unable to support my own weight any more.

“You have an arterial bleed in you wrist, you could be slowly drowning in your own blood and there are wounds on your hips that go down to the bone which means you could die from an infection! Hell Esmee it will be a damn miracle if you don‘t die right now and I do not what you to die in my arms! You are what 14 years old?"

“16!” I spluttered sneezing causing blood to pore out the end of my nose and mouth making the world spin around me a little more.
“Well I am 19 OK a whole three years older then you and I am sure as hell too young to die so by default that makes you too young to die OK” Emmet shouted in a panic before throwing my arm up into the air as the blood pumped through his make shift bandage and the cracks in his fingers. His breath was shallow and his face had become red in his panic. He seemed generally scared for me and I had no idea why. I was nothing to him just a poor little freak he found bleeding on the streets and I he was nothing to me yet with my last ounce of strength to fight I tried to comfort him.

“Emmet I have felt like I am dead inside for so long. Hell I am such an emotional freak now that I can’t even cry. So dying is not the worst thing Emmet, for me dying is good. For me it means an end to the hurting.”

“You can not die Esmee OK! You just can’t! Emmet snapped.

“Why?” I shouted Exasperated

“Esmee do you believe in love at first sight?” Emmet asked he voice suddenly less shaky and a lot more passionate as he once again spinned my body so he could look into my eyes and I could look into his.

His eyes where blue and sparkling and deep as the ocean and they did something amazing they made mine fill with tears and my bottom lip quiver they made me cry and hell I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly.

“Why?” I stuttered a single tear falling down over my cheek. “What has that got to do with me dying here.”

 “Everything! Because I never did OK. because I thought the whole idea was stupid and irrational and something designed to sell Hollywood movies but then I came across you sitting in the street and I see your face and those beautiful black eyes and all that changes in an instant because I do believe in it now. I believe in it because I have set my eyes on you and I love you Esmee! I love every damn part of you so that is why you are not aloud to die because I just know you are the half that will make me whole and with out you I never will be!”