Different arms ,Esmee's confession, tough love, Another confession (Mi's side) Trigger warning

Sorry i promised tio stop writing for a while because of my mood affecting the story but i just can't stop. When i am like this i want to write all the time even if i am producing rubbish. It's kind of like my therapy.
So if this is terrable and not up to standered please let me know. I can't judge very well right now.

There is triggering and graphic content in the next few updates, please as always be safe.


Different arms
“I am sorry.” I mumbled rubbing my hands roughly over my tear streaked face trying to remove the Incriminating evidence that I had been crying yet again, that I wasn’t hard as stone. That I was broken.

“Why?” Esmee asked pulling my body up closer to her like Emmet had me before. They where obviously getting to know me too well. They new that I was still hurting and I was no longer a good enough actress to hide it from them.

“Because I am a wimp. I mean look at me Esmee I have been crying into your husbands chest for god knows how long.” I shouted exasperated burying my face into my hands breathing deeply trying to get my self back under control again. What the hell was wrong with me?

“Every one cry’s sometimes Mi. Hell the number of times I have cried into his chest he is used to it by now.” Esmee smiled stroking my hair behind my ears and looking into my eyes with hers. I swallowed hard Twisting the fingers on my plastered hand.

“Can’t I have a hug as well then Mi or are they all reserved for Mrs Haberdasher over here today.” Esmee smiled opening her arms and dragging me into wards her where my tears spilled over the edges again. Where the hurt tried to seap away.

Esmee’s Confession
“I have to go now Ok Mi but I am going to leave you with Esmee and I am going to get someone Else to come in as well. I will make sure I come and say goodbye before I go home OK, I am back tomorrow afternoon and Esmee is starting on nights from tomorrow night.” Emmet said gently gripping my shoulder.

“Thanks Emmet.” I whispered as he swiped his card key in the door and walked out into the corridor leaving me wrapped in the arms of Esmee.

“So what happened then?” Esmee asked soothingly as she gently pulled her fingers through my hair while I silently wept into her shoulder. “All these tears, I have seen you cry before of course but these seam sadder somehow. More desperate. Can’t you tell me what happened Mi.”

“I.. I should be stronger then this.” I sniffed breathing in the scent of Esmee’s strawberry hair. While I twirled the end of one of her curls absent mindedly around my finger.

“Mi the things that bring one person to there knees in pain will make another stand up and fight. There are no simple fears, Mi. If something hurts you and it makes you want to cry. If something brings you to your knees screaming out Mi you should not be stronger then it but you should let someone know what it is because then they can help bring you back to your feet. They can fight the pain that you can not.” Esmee soothed pulling me closer to her so I was sitting in her lap like I was with Emmet and in that movement the sleeve of her blouse became unbuttoned revealing the raised purple and white scars underneath.

Gently I brushed my fingers over the raised purple scars and sighed. These scars did not belong on her arms they where the sign of self hatred and cruelty. Every muscle pulled in my body and I whimpered as I imagined Esmee dragging the edge of razor blade back across her own skin. As I imagined the panic in her breathing and the tears on her checks as she fumbled to try and release the blade from the inside of it’s safety razor. As she sinked to her last resort to ease her pain.

“Shhh, it’s Ok.” Esmee soothed again holding me a little tighter against her shoulder as she felt the tightening of my muscles and I whimpered more curling my fingers as tight as they would go into the fabric of her blouse. The pain in just the vision in my head was enough to make me never want to let her go.

“Esmee tell me to fuck off if you want to but I have to ask.” I said realising my grip on Esmee. “ What did it make you feel like when you did this to your skin? I asked softly tracing my hand over the scars on her arms that where still on show.

“Cutting was like breathing again. It was like I was drowning and the blade across my skin was coming up for air.” Esmee said softly placing her hand on top of my had that was smoothing across her scars. She seemed indifferent about the feeling now. Like it was far away, it was like she was hiding.

“I know that feeling.” I sighed reaching up and pulling down her sleeve back over her scars and doing the button up for her. “Are you ashamed of them? You always have them covered.” I observed

“I’m not ashamed. I cover them when I at work one because I am told two just like Doctor Jordan is told to cover his and two because like I did to you just yesterday when you where sat in that freezing shower I triggered you into wanting to hurt your self and I never ever want to be responsible for doing that, However, when I am With Emmet and out in town with my friends I wear short sleeves like any one else. These scars are not a bad thing Mi. These scars made me who I am today.

“So you don’t regret cutting your self Esmee? “

“Now Mi here is where I contradict my self but both statements are true in their own way, I am not making it up.” Esmee sighed before bending down and kissing me on the for head and smiling.
“I will never regret anything more in my entire life then the first time I took a razor to my skin.” Esmee said softly holding me a little tighter, this time for her benefit and not mine.

Tough love
“I wish I never started either.” I admitted softly pulling at a lose thread from the plaster cast on my wrist that Esmee had put on the night before.
“I…”

“Mi? You can tell me anything Ok honey. You can trust me. You know that.”
“Will you laugh at me?” I mumbled

“Oh honey.” Esmee said sounding slightly hurt before sighing and once again tightening the grip around my body. “Anything that could hurt you like this couldn’t possibly be funny.” Esmee said into my hair as she sub consciously rocked the top half of my body like she would if she was trying to rock her daughter back to sleep after a nightmare.

“It seems stupid I haven’t never really talked about it before either and, oh forget it.” I said pulling my body away from Esmee’s defeated from the internal battle with my self.

“Talk to me. Please.” Esmee almost begged crossing the distance across the floor to me again the sent of her strawberry shampoo following her.

“I started my period this morning Esmee.” I sighed to my self waiting for the laughter in her voice to brake me apart. It seemed even more stupid aloud then what it did in my head. Hell most females had a period every month and didn’t go all psychotic in the process.

“I see, that’s really hard. I wish you could of just told us both sooner though. You know like before we thought you had had a psychotic break and threw up over my hands while nearly chocking you self in the process.” Esmee smiled.

“It means I’m fat.” I groaned punching at my stomach making Esmee cross back to me in a flash grabbing both of my wrists in her hands and holding them down to my knees. I sighed exasperated pulling my hands Into tight fists even though even after all this time the one of them was considerably weaker then the other. I growled again even more frustrated.

“Come on, I wasn’t done with my hug yet Miss Dorado.” Esmee said letting go of my hands and tapping her lap for me to come and curl back up on it.

“I want to hurt my self Esmee. I said breathing uneasy. I want to punch every inch of unsightly fat on my body and…” I stopped the breath coming faster in my chest, “and I am starting to drown Esmee.”

“That is why Mi I need to you crawl over here now and sit in my lap and let me hold you tight while I do some breathing exercises with you."

“It. Won’t. work.” I growled as my body slipped further under the waves in my head and I started to fight for my breath. I needed the water surface, I needed to breath again and I new how to find it if only Esmee would let me get to it.

“Mi, how do you think I stopped?  Do you think one day I just woke up and didn’t feel like I was drowning any more. Do you think I got better all by my self one day Mi, because I didn’t Ok. I plunged my hands into bowls of ice, I snapped elastic bands against my wrists, I dyed my skin with food colouring and I went cold turkey. I cried for Hours into Emmet’s chest and Emmet watched completely powerless as I spent hours shaking and shivering clutching onto a washing up bowl where I was sick over and over again because I needed to cut, because I was drowning under the waves in my head. Now Mi get your ass over here into my arms and try!

Another confession
My body shook as I crawled unsteadily across the floor towards Esmee’s arms and she bundled me up in to them.

“Now Mi I need you to take deep breaths with me OK.” Esmee said her voice smoother and less harsh now.

“I…I…I can’t.”

“Yes you can. Now breath in through your nose with me and then breath out through your mouth as well ok.” Esmee soothed in almost a singing voce as she breathed with me and she rocked me rhythmically back and forth in her arms like I was an overgrown two year old.

I tried hard, I really did but every breath got caught in my mouth and my hands shook uncontrollably. I kicked with all my might towards the surface of the water that was drowning me but there was no let up, there was no brake. I was going to drown.
“This is stupid!” I growled at my self between my teeth before punching at my stomach again before Esmee could make a grab for my arms. To stop me.
“I can’t OK! I can’t fight and I can’t breath! I am not like you Esmee I am not strong!”

“Mi!" Esmee shouted to try and get over the top of my panicing "Mi, When I first got my period back after two years of weighing less then you do now and being force fed through a series or drips and NG tubes I went insane. I pulled my NG tube out rupturing my oesophagus in four different places. I kicked one male staff nurse in the crotch and I broke a female nursing assistance nose before stealing their keys skipping the hospital and cutting my arms so badly I needed a full blood transfusion and over one hundred stitches. So what do you think Mi. Do you think I felt strong back then? Or do you think maybe like everything in life. I learnt to be strong?"