Looking after family

“All right Mi try and stay nice and calm for us and I will pull over when I can Ok.” Esmee said gently scanning around for car parking spaces as she noticed my panic from behind her. “It’s all right Mi you’re just having a panic attack just calm yourself down.” I didn’t want to calm down. I wanted to open the door and roll out onto the streets and away from everything. I burst into tears scratching my fingernails into the skin underneath my jeans as I bounced up and down the nausea pushing up towards my gag reflex were I would have no option but to throw it up.

“Stop the car Esmee you got no one behind you and I can go back and help calm her.” Emmet said as he bended his arm back between the two seats and rested it on the top of my knee.  

“It’s all right there’s a parking space there, I will pull in.”

As soon as the car stooped vomit rose in the back of my mouth and I flung open the car door puking into the gutter just before Emmet come around and crawled in beside me from the other side rubbing big circles into my back as I continued to puke my guts up into the gutter my whole body shaking as I heaved.

“It’s going to be OK. It’s all going to be OK. You’re just a bit nervous; it’s all a natural response. You’re OK.”  Emmet soothed his voice solid and calm against all the panic that was inside of me. “You’re not staying with us tonight Mi.  It’s just to have a look around and see what goes on inside out house. There’s no need to be scared, you control the time and what we do. It is all in your control. We stay when we want to and we leave back for the unit when we want to.” Emmet continued his voice a continuing stream of reassurance that slivered over my body and into my veins turning my sold blood to a gently flowing red, making the snakes that slivered around inside my stomach turn to the gentle wings of butterfly’s. My future belonged with him. To lose him forever would kill me. This was my real life. My solid life I was going to live with Emmet where he could make my running world stand still for a bit and that was OK. It had to be.

“You will destroy them. You will destroy the, this loving family and you will destroy them completely.” I winced at the voice in the back of my head the one trying to make the panic rise like deep purple whirling around the surface. she wanted me to feel bad

“Stay with me Emmet, please stay with me.” I asked as I leant my body back inside the door and rested my head back up against the headrest of the car seats.

“Of course I will, it’s bound to be scary Mi, but we are all looking out for your best interests here Mi.” Emmet smoothed my sticky hair off of my sweaty face and gently whipped the corners of my mouth of with a tissue from his pocket.

“You’re too kind to me.” I moaned

“Your part of my family Mi, I look after my family.”