My war

My war

Watery pain broke through every paper wall I had been putting up around me since the car and took me from each side bashing me into the rock face and I cried. Noise wailed out from my very soul and scrapped at the surface of me making my heart crumbling into dust all over again. It was insane all of this happening was crazy and Emmet and Esmee did it like it was my right to be there and I didn’t I had hurt her, I had lived a life in walls of faded greys and stupid NHS colours and they had given me a purple dream world. I had given them blood and puke and suicide attempts and even though I was better than I was I had more to come. I still couldn’t see myself properly when I looked into the mirror I still heard the voices and I still cut into my skin with razors and had planned to do more and more. I was not a princess made for rose furniture. I was more cheap plastic.

Unable to stand anymore from the weight that pushed down upon me I crumpled down to the floor, my knees hitting the deck hard. I felt sick and I was dizzy and the purple whirled around me with the water from my eyes, everything hurt and my limbs ached more along with my stomach as my tube pulled against my jeans as I scrunched myself up as far as I could go. I was stupid/fat/ugly/stupid/bad/nasty, I was good/nice/friendly/hopeful/better/stronger and I deserved some good things, I deserved nothing.

“Stop!” I screamed at the whirling scenery around me as I grabbed at my limbs to pull them closer to my body so the war inside me would brake me apart but nothing helped, there was no one there to save me and even if they were there was a good chance they wouldn’t be able to talk me down. I needed something to centre myself. So with my last ounce of sanity and energy I pulled myself across the room and into the en suite bathroom where I through myself over the toilet and jammed my fingers down my throat, Making me stupid/fat/ugly/stupid/bad/nasty for sure.