For him I survived. (Mi's side) (Esmess POV flashback)

Ok So i know this is a bit wiered but i wanted to get a chapter like this in one of the storys somewhere and it seemed to slot in quite well here. So this is Mi's story but is Esmee's flash back so it is told from her point of view. I hope that makes sence and i hope that it is good, enjoy.


For him I survived (Esmee’s POV flashback)

My breath caught over and over again in my chest as I peered down in to my underwear there was no way I could be seeing what I was seeing. They still said I was thin. That I was very thin for what I should be. They changed the dressings on my hip bones every day because they told me if they didn’t they would become infected. They told me the only reason my hip bones needed the dressings where because there was no fat or muscles to protect the fragile bones underneath and the cotton on my trousers where rubbing away my lifeless flaking skin. They told me all the emergency drip feeds and Tubes up my nose where important just because with out them my fragile hart would stop beating. That the times where they kept me on one to one observations confined to a bed using a commode because even the little effort of me getting to the bath room would burn calories that I just couldn’t afford to lose was because those few calories where a matter of life and death. They said that I was tiny and little and that I was dying, that one day my heart would shudder and die because there was nothing left to keep it going any more but here was the thing that chewed me up inside, they where all lying. Very thin people didn’t have a menstrual cycle. Dangerously thin people didn’t get periods. I was fat. They had lied and I was to hurt to bounce back from it.

I screamed silently into my hands. I wanted the tears to flow. The ones that where forever stuck in my soul eroding everything that I could hold onto. The ones that where forever stuck there and no matter how hard I tried I could never cry them out either because I didn’t want to or it had been so long I had forgotten how.

Shaking I grabbed a tampon out of my bag and with shaking hand inserted it causing pain to ripple up through my entire body. Retching with the pain I fell to the sink and hold on for dear life so I didn’t fall to my knees screaming.
It was then that I saw it sneering at me from the stupid unbreakable mirror in front of me. The tube that crept up my nose and hung over my left ear the white surgical tape criss crossed just under my eye.

Anger seeped through ever part of me replacing the pain that had once been there. The tub was what had done this to me what had turned me even fatter then I all ready was. The tube had ruined everything, because of that tube I would not die from malnutrition because of that tube I was falling apart inside and there was no hope of me dying to escape the pain. The tube had to go.

With shaking hands I ripped the tape off of my face and yanked down on the tube making the the splitting pain come back again but I didn’t care I was doing what I should of done a long time ago. I was talking back my controle. I pulled again this time harder which started the gagging but I kept on going untill the last of the tube was out and lying bloody in the sink in front of me and then came the sickness the heavy retching sckness where I spat more blood then I had ever seen before into the sink in front of me.

“Little Monster. I am coming in little monster you know there is no way I can stay out here and let you make your self sick. Do you want to land up on bed rest again.”

“I am called Esmee!” I shreakled wiping the blood of of my face but only smeered it worse as the blood began to drip out of my nose as well.

“Just because my last name is monster doesn’t mean you get to make up stupid nick names.!” I screamed as the keys rattled and Ryan one of the staff nurse came stumbling through the door tripping over his own feet in the process.

“Esmee. Yor bleeding lots OK, you need to let me help you.” Ryan said stopping completely still in the door way holding his hands in the air like I had a huge gun drawn and ready to fire at him if he moved any closer.

“No!” I shouted my hands shaking as I leant over to puke more blood all over the floor and onto my feet. Nearly falling over as the agony struck again.
“I am leaving right now.” I stammered before regaining my composure. “I hate this OK. I hate this unit and all you creepy nurces so why don’t you just hand me your damn keys so I can get out the damn front door and away from here! They told me that Apple gate house was a bright and shiney new unit to help people like me and guess what it hasn’t Ok. It have been here over half a year now and nothing has changed! so I am leaving Ok. So give me your fucking keys!” I yelled thrusting my hand out in ryans direction so he could hand over his keys.

“You know I can’t let you do that little monster. I have to stop you.” Ryan said heading towards me ready to pull me down to the ground but I had been there to log. I had done it far to often and I new where to hit a man the hardest and With out thinking I thrashed out with my legs and landed a kick right in the crouch.

“You little bitch!” Ryan yelled at me as he fell to the floor curling up into the fetel position on the floor so I took my opportunity to grab his keys and head for the front door. I new the key they all used for the front door and once I was out there was nothing stopping me I was free and I new what I needed to. I needed this to be the end.

Breathing fast I tripped to the top of the stares before vomiting two more huge mouth fulls of blood over the new carpet. Then I stumbling down the stares leaving a trail of blood as I weant. I new my desternation and I new why I had to get there but everything moved to slowly, there where two many stares and I couldn’t run as fast as I should to get to the front door.
“Esmee. Esmee stop you are bleeding badly and we need to take a look at it.” Ignoriing the chiming Of Mandys voice that was now heading closer to my direction I rattled through the keys with shaking hands. They where all kept together on a big metal ring, the kind of keys that presions guards taunted their prisoners with by spinning them around on there fingers just outside of their reach and the nurces did this all the time to their patients in here too. They treated us like animals that they could lock up and release when they wanted to. We where nothing but there toys.

From behind me a hand came forward over my shoulder and grasped the hands around the keys before trying to tug them out of my hands which made the sharp edges of the keys dig into the flesh on the palms.

“Get off of them! Get off! I shouted

“Esmee you arnt aloud toi have these keys and I can’t let you leave the unit.” Mandy growled before tugging the keys one finel time causing them to cut big lines into my flesh before they left my hands.

With out thinking what I was doing I reacted and punched out hard landing a blow right in the middle of Mandys nose which caused a crack and blood to spurt from it in all directions. She also dropped the keys onto the floor so she could swear loudly and cup her hands over her heavily bleeding nose.

“I’m sorry OK.” I mumbled going to my kness and grabbing the keys from the floor “I don’t like to hurt people, but I have had enough and I need those keys. Mandy and I couldn’t let you ruin that, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt it to badly and I’m sorry.” I moaned trying yet another key in the door the only diffrance was this one let the lock lose with a satisfying click before opening and letting the world outside flood in the door.

I recoiled back into my self at all the sounds and the smells of the out side world come up to smack me right in the face I had been inside too long. Inside a prison where the windows opened just a crack and the staff talked to you like you where likely to respond by dribbling and a series of one syllable sounds. The strange thing was though there was a part of me at that moment that considered closing the door with me still back inside the building. It almost seemed to scary.

“It’s Esmee! Yes little monster Esmee! She has keys! She is bleeding!” Shouted the staff behind me to each other as Mandy tried to make a grab for my ankle.

“the little monster is leaving.” I whispered taking one last look over my shoulder before pushing my body out of the door and into the heat of the July sun running.

My body didn’t want to run, I felt far to week to run and every time my feet hit the floor my stomach clenched and I vomited more blood down over my front onto the pavement but I run anyway. I new the staff wouldn’t take long to compose them self’s and I new they would try to catch me, I also new I didn’t want to be caught. I could not deal with the pain any more.
The two dressing pads on my hips pulled at my skin and with every step I felt the skin rub off and the blood start to drip down onto my underwear but still I kept on running. I needed to keep on running. I didn’t know where I was going or how I was going to get there but there was no way I could get caught again, there was no way I could just go back there and let them shove more drips in me, let them keep me confined to a bed where they could make me even fatter then what I had all ready become.

After I ran for what felt like a long time my body came to a stop before my mind wanted to and I bent over into the gutter throwing up over and over again spraying blood over my self and the gray gravel underneath. Every part of my body hurt and I could barley breath from the blood that gathered in my throat but it hurt to much to keep expelling it over the floor. This time I was really drowning in my own blood, in my own panic, that was when I saw the sharp edges of the broken beer bottle looking up at me from the gutter and I new what to do. With stumbling bloody hands I reached out and grabbed at the bottle. It had always helped me before and what did it matter if I didn’t right now there was nothing else left anyway it all ready felt like I was drowning in my own blood, if the cuts killed me it would be a relief. If the suffering would just disappear for one tiny minute it would be worth it. I was done. It was over.

The glass cut deep into the thin skin on my arms and the blood flowed quickly out onto the pavement and over my clothes but still there was nothing more I could do apart from keep cutting longer and deeper cuts into my arm with every cut the pain slipped away With every long deeper cut the feeling that I wanted and grew to love took over my senses and all I new was I wanted more. Needed more.


“Wow, honey, stop hurting your self. Give me that bottle OK, your bleeding a lot and I have to help you. Whatever it is I can help OK. Well I will try but you have to give me that glas" 

“Go away unless you want the same fate as Ryan, I growled slicing the bottle hard down on the inside of my wrists causing a jet of deep red blood to spurt out across the gravel and into my eyes. “I am not going back to that place! I want to die OK.”

“I don’t know where your from are who you are Honey but I am calling an ambulance and I am going to get you some help. One because I am a student nurse and I am not going to lose a young girl before I even get my licence OK. Now I have to put pressure on that wrist and you have to tell me why you are throwing blood up all over the pavements and why the hell you are using a broken beer bottle to cut into your own skin!” The same man said gently before crouching down next to me and squeezing his hands hard against the gapping wound in my wrists but the blood kept pumping out any way trickling through the cracks in his fingers like sand through a fist.

“I’m Emmet by the way.” The man said softly before ripping the bottom of his tee shirt and making make shift bandage around the wounds on my arms. “Is there any chance of you telling me yours?”

“I’m Esmee and I ran away.” I sighed everything crushing down on my chest as I placed my good hand over the top of Emmet’s hand.

“Ran away from where?”

“Apple gate house. You know the new child loony bin. I ran away because they made me fat Emmet. I had spent my life trying to get thin and pretty and perfect and they shove me in there for nearly seven months now and put tubes down my nose and they make me fat and nasty and horrible.”

“You think your fat?” Emmet asked shocked. “What! A tube in your nose! Esmee you had an NG!” Emmet yelled spinning me around to face him. “Esmee there is no NG in your nose now, what the hell happened?” Emmet shouted shaking me roughly by the shoulder like she was trying to rattle the words out of me.

“I tore the stupid thing out OK!” I yelled causing more blood to escape out the corners of my mouth.
"because I am screaming OK! I am shouting and I am screaming inside and I can’t stop and there is nothing else left in me and you know what I really want to do Emmet! I want to snuggle up in that over muscular chest of your and I want to cry until I have no more tears left in my body but I can’t do that A because you are one of the hottest men I have ever seen and I am a fat stupid loony child that has run away from the mental unit and B it has been so long since I actually cried I think I have forgotten how! I yelled shaking Emmet’s hand of my shoulder before coughing up more blood onto the floor in front of me.

“Right Esmee shut the fuck up for a bit and open your gob!” Emmet shouted over me as he tried to hock open my mouth with one of the fingers on his three hand.

“What? Get the hell off of me!”

“Open your damn moth all ready! I need to check your throat if you have pulled your NG out you might of ruptured your oesophagus and you might be bleeding out which means you might die and I don’t want that to happen.” Emmet said firmly trying to make a tourniquet out of the rest of his shirt to stop the blood pumping so fast out of my wrist and into the gutter next to me.

“I am not scared of dying Emmet, in fact I would quite like it.” I soothed letting me lips curl up into a smile before I puked more blood onto the gutter in front of me making me feel like my chest was actually tearing in half from the pressure.

“Well I am scared of you dying OK Esmee. I am really scared.” Emmet said his voice shaking as he used one of his fingers help remove the congealed vomit out of my mouth and onto the street while I slumped back heavily into his body unable to support my own weight any more.

“You have an arterial bleed in you wrist, you could be slowly drowning in your own blood and there are wounds on your hips that go down to the bone which means you could die from an infection! Hell Esmee it will be a damn miracle if you don‘t die right now and I do not what you to die in my arms! You are what 14 years old?"

“16!” I spluttered sneezing causing blood to pore out the end of my nose and mouth making the world spin around me a little more.
“Well I am 19 OK a whole three years older then you and I am sure as hell too young to die so by default that makes you too young to die OK” Emmet shouted in a panic before throwing my arm up into the air as the blood pumped through his make shift bandage and the cracks in his fingers. His breath was shallow and his face had become red in his panic. He seemed generally scared for me and I had no idea why. I was nothing to him just a poor little freak he found bleeding on the streets and I he was nothing to me yet with my last ounce of strength to fight I tried to comfort him.

“Emmet I have felt like I am dead inside for so long. Hell I am such an emotional freak now that I can’t even cry. So dying is not the worst thing Emmet, for me dying is good. For me it means an end to the hurting.”

“You can not die Esmee OK! You just can’t! Emmet snapped.

“Why?” I shouted Exasperated

“Esmee do you believe in love at first sight?” Emmet asked he voice suddenly less shaky and a lot more passionate as he once again spinned my body so he could look into my eyes and I could look into his.

His eyes where blue and sparkling and deep as the ocean and they did something amazing they made mine fill with tears and my bottom lip quiver they made me cry and hell I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly.

“Why?” I stuttered a single tear falling down over my cheek. “What has that got to do with me dying here.”

 “Everything! Because I never did OK. because I thought the whole idea was stupid and irrational and something designed to sell Hollywood movies but then I came across you sitting in the street and I see your face and those beautiful black eyes and all that changes in an instant because I do believe in it now. I believe in it because I have set my eyes on you and I love you Esmee! I love every damn part of you so that is why you are not aloud to die because I just know you are the half that will make me whole and with out you I never will be!”