Mi
Sighing I got off of my second hand bed and pulled out my sketch book from the small pile of personal things piled in the corner of my room next to the wardrobe. When I was younger I had liked drawing a lot but as with everything else the passion went away as I grew older and people got meaner. Arabella had always told me that I had an amazing talent and asked me to draw her over and over again but she always said I was good at everything where in reality I wasn’t really good at anything and I gave up drawing, however apple gate house was boring and some subjects had kindled my imagination and after all it wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t show anyone.
“It still smells of you in here you know.” I moaned addressing one of the many badly sketched outlines of his face. The form was there but not the eyes I had spent hours sketching him but the eyes where never right and how the hell could they be. His eyes where universes.
“I miss you as well you know, and how the hell did that happen? I never miss anyone ever, apart from you, and them of course and to top it all off I get the room that smells of you still.” I groaned pushing my sketch book off of the bed so the pages turned to a almost finished picture of Esmee and Emmet in an embrace their heads so close together that there noses touched but still there eyes where wrong., they where so shallow and meaningless when in reality The blackness of Esmee’s eyes went deeper then I had ever seen and Emmet’s where so full of love it was infinite.
“Did you draw these?” A voice asked behind me and I jumped twenty foot into the air before rolling in a bunch of arm and legs off of the bed in a tied up ball.
“Hay hay, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you Doctor Jordan smiled holding out a hand to help me back up onto the bed.
“Its fine, it’s fine. What have I done this time?” I groaned glancing up a doctor Jordan at the same time as wiping the evidence of the tears the drawings of Connors had caused.
“That’s nice, every time you see me you think you have done something wrong or you are going to be told off. That’s not exactly a healthy relationship to have with your doctor. I have said it over and over again Mi you are not here for punishment your in here because I knew you needed help and if you remember rightly in a round about way you asked for that too.
“So what have I done wrong this time. “ I smiled “I may not be here for punishment but the only reason you have ever come in my rook to tell me something is if you are angry, want to up my obs or medication or want to insert a tube into one of my many body parts; so what one is it this time?” I asked sighing before gesturing for him to sit on the side of my bed.
“Well I have no plans for anymore tubes to be put in you. Though I wouldn’t mind taking a look at the one you got at some point just to make sure that everything is in place.” Doctor Jordan smiled gently, “but that can wait right now, I’m not here for anything in particular to be honest I was just doing a round of the hospital and I saw you in here alone and maybe a little upset and while I wasn’t doing anything I wanted to make sure that you where OK and feeling safe, if not I wanted to know weather there is anything I can do to help you; maybe send someone up to sit with you.”
“No I’m OK,” I said gently. “All of this,” I said gesturing at the walls of my still alien new room “I am kind of getting used to. I’m not sure why and I’m not even sure I want to but I am, maybe I accept it now. I am here and that is damn sure not going to change, I am alive and there is damn sure no way you or any other one of the staff are going to let me change that so I am here and the months are ticking on and even though they promised me a nice foster home with two nice people I am sure I am more likely to be in a room like this for the rest of my life.” Well a least it wouldn’t smell of him forever, if I closed my eyes real tight and wished it away I am sure it would leave eventually.
“Mi there are no planes for you to move to another unit after this one at the moment as you know. Yes we did mention a long term inpatient centre as an option but that was only if you showed no sign’s of improvement and all or if there was no other options. As It stands your foster placement with the Bears is still solid and stable and you are simply awaiting discharge into there care which I will more then happily sign when I am happy with your progress.
Now I was here to tell you that I have two placement visits all lined up for you in the view to an overnight visit over the Christmas period however something you have just said concerned me and I have to act on that before anything else. From what you just said I have to assume that you are suicidal and I can’t just let that go, so it’s time to open up Mi.”
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