immobile, (mi's side)

Immobile

Inside I fort Esmee but on the outside I stayed still and unmoving neither helping or hindering as she once again moved off of my bed closed the bedroom door and come to stand in front of me. I can not deny that I found the gesture threatening, it seemed so creepily familiar but I did not scream I did not ask her what she was doing and it in a way I couldn’t even make my self feel scared or angry, the sadness covered them all equally making everything black just like a covering of snow in winter bleached the whole world white for a while.

“I’m not going to hurt you Mi.” Esmee said gently kneeling down in front of me and taking my hand in hers erasing any suspicion that her previous action may have caused; she would do me no wrong.

“I am really sorry that you are feeling like this OK.” Esmee moaned softly as she threaded my wrists gently back though the long sleeves of my now vomit stained PJ top before getting to her feet and pulling it over my head then wrapping a towel over my shoulders to protect my modesty as best as she could.

“I am going to fight for you OK, you meds clearly aren’t working in the way they should be and it isn’t fair that they are making you so sick either, I will corner doctor Jordan today and if he doesn’t listen I will go above him to someone who will.” Esmee said gently before weaving my unresponsive arms into my bra straps and hocking it around my back.

I was fully aware I was being dressed by a nurse on a psyceatric word and my tears reflected that but no matter how much I yelled at my self to move, to react, to take over what should have been the very simple task of changing my clothes there was nothing I could do to actually do it. What did it matter any more if I let this happen? What difference would it make if I moved from my bed? Who cared if I faded to this forever?

“I didn’t mean to have so much time off Mi, in fact I hadn’t planed to have any more then a day but I got sick you see and I had to spend some time in the hospital.” I felt my muscles spasm in an invocatory response to what I was hearing her say. I Should of asked her why, what had happened and if she was better now. I should have asked her if there was anything I could do to help her or if she was in pain but nothing worked so I settled for letting the tears make me shiver as well.

“I am better now Mi,” Esmee said reading my reaction to my responding to it, “I wasn’t sick, sick just really over tired and in need of some rest. I feel a lot better now, probably better then I did before.” Esmee smiled one hand resting on the side of her belly for a second just before she helped me pull my top on over my head and hock my reluctant arms into the sleeves. I made an effort that time and tried to help her move them but they where so heavy and I was so week.

“But I am back now and hopefully wont be having any more mjour time off untill may time and hopefully by then you will be living with us anyway. Emmet has your room all ready, he spent most of last week painting and papering it and we have bought you a nice new bed as well because the other once was getting fairly old and tattered and I have picked some fairly cool bedding on the internet when I was resting too; i think you’ll like it. We really hope it wont be to much longer now until you move in but hay there’s no rush, there’s no point in being hasty when you are feeling so poorly right now, I will just have to see you here instead,”

My body began to get less heavier as she kept on talking and as she started on my bottom half of clothing I found little bursts of energy to help her like standing up when it was needed and lifting my own legs as she put my underwear and jeans on. I even managed to find enough life in my numbed fingers to do the button up on my jeans but Esmee had to put my cardigan on it seemed the simple button had zapped what was left of me.

“Would you like to brush your hair? Esmee asked gently as she picked up my dirty clothes and placed them in the basket at the end of my bed before picking up my brush and placing it beside me.

I did try, it took all my effort but I picked up my brush raised it to my head and pulled it through the tips of my hair twice before I let my had fall back down to my side. What was the point?

“That’s a good try; would you like me to finish it off?” Esmee smiled gently sitting down close to me on the side of the bed and rubbing my back gently.

I couldn’t say anything to answer her question then as once again I was fighting with the urge to start sobbing loudly again. Something about Esmee being close had always hurt me in the most glorious kind of way that it could never be explained. She kind of woke me up. Setting every nerve that I thought had long since died from all the damage that had been done alight. Her comfort made me real again, made me find some faith but of course all of this was excruciating and before I could stop it my bottom lip quivered out of control and my chest began to heave with heavy sobbing as I curled up in the foetal position on the bed almost screaming from how bad everything felt inside, my whole body jerking in time with the helpless crying.