Still stuck in the middle of icky writers block and extreem anxiaty for some reasion. I am so worried that what i am writing is crap it's almost upsetting me! Ugh!
So i hope these are OK. I loved writing them but am worried aboput the qulaty.
Do let me know, love vikki


bad way

“Hay honey, of course I came back.” Esmee whispered softly squeezing me in tight to her before realising me and looking into my eyes like by just one look she could evaluate everything that had happened when she had been away.

“Did you truly think I would leave you like that?” The question seemed stupid. Of course I could think that, hell I had even expect that and it wasn’t until much, much later that I discovered that Esmee and Emmet where very much unlikely to do that to me.

Unable to vocalise anything while I was looking at her I lowered my head again and let the tears become noisy, losing all the energy I had to control them. There seemed to be no point in hiding them, there was no point in pretending I wasn’t dying inside, there just wasn’t a point in anything.

“All right sweet heart, I get it, we’re in a bad way aren’t we.” Esmee said gently stepping forward and taking hold of my hand into hers “come on sweet heart let’s go and get you back to your room and ready for breakfast.”

“I have to clean up the floor.” I wheezed between my sobbing.

“No you don’t I can get someone else to sort that out.” Esmee said softly again hooking my black hair back over my ear so she could look at my face.

“Don’t panic, I’ll do it Ez,” Emmet said emerging from the bathroom door brandishing a mop and bucket. “Sorry I saw what happened and thought I could put my cleaning skills to good use.” Emmet smiled before looking over at me like he was torn somewhere between being scared and being sympathetic

“Thanks hon.” Esmee smiled gently to Emmet before turning to me tugging on my hand slightly like a mother would do to there child, “Come on honey lets get you sorted.”



I prayed

When I got back to my room I let go of Esmee’s hand and stumbled back over to my bed where I sat on the edge staring at the plain wall in front of me. My years had dried up now; there had been times in the last few weeks where I had sobbed but it never lasted long it simply took too much effort; staring at the wall simply took up less effort.

“Would you like me to gather your clothes together Mi?” Esmee asked gently but I ignored her more due to the fact that it felt like I couldn’t speak then the fact that I was being ignorant. I didn’t care about getting dressed, I didn’t care about eating I just wanted to fade away to nothing

“Ok honey I am going to get some jeans and a t shirt OK, any colours or styles you want… No, OK then I’ll choose.” Esmee said gently walking over to the wardrobe that was next to my bed opening the doors up and pulling some things off of the hangers. She chose jeans with sparkles on the pockets and a purple white green and black tunic type top that tied around the waist with a white long sleeve shrug to go over the top. The harsh summer had gone away as quickly as it had come giving into a harsher winter which meant every one was wrapping up warm.

“Are you going to get changed for me then Mi?” Esmee asked gently sitting down on the bed next to me after she grabbed a bra and some underwear out of the chest of draws. “I will wait for you outside if you want or I can go on down to breakfast and meet you there. I’m you partner for this meal.”

I knew what I was meant to do then and I did it inside of my head. In there I turned looked at her smiled and said everything was OK and that I would meet her there in the dinning room. I got changed quickly and brushed my hair before checking my self in the mirror and making my way down the stars but my physically body would not move so I just continued to look onwards staring through the wall like it wasn’t there. I had waited for her to come back because I thought she would make it feel better inside but nothing had changed my miracle cure had not worked.

“Do you need some help Mi?” Esmee asked gently again, putting her hand into my lap before sighing.” Do you need some help to get changed?”

I began to cry again then not loudly but deep rivers of water rushed down over my cheeks with no control before rolling off of the tip of my nose and chin before tumbling to the ground. It felt like nothing was ever going to be OK again. I wanted to die but I had no energy left to dress my self let alone kill my self so I did the last thing I could think of and for the first time since I was a very young child I prayed; I prayed to god to forgive all my sins and let me die. I prayed for death